An A to Z guide to coping with Christmas when suffering with anxiety and depression.

This time of year can be challenging for most people but for those with a propensity to being more sensitive than others it can be very difficult.  Love it or hate it, it’s everywhere you look and on everything you listen to. It’s unavoidable unless you can escape to a place with no internet, tv or radio so I have compiled a list of coping strategies to help get you through the holiday time.

Acceptance.

It’s here, it’s unavoidable and it’s in your face. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest option. If we fight something it can often make it worse than ‘going with it’. There’s a myriad of emotions attached to this time of year which can make it exceptionally hard to deal with so burdening ourselves with fighting the ‘christmas cheer’ can lead to further feelings of depression and anxiety.

As the saying goes 'resistance is futile’. If christmas cheer or adverts wind you up then take a step back and ask ‘why’? Is that others appear happy? is it that you feel jealous? Learn to deal with these feelings and explore why you feel this way rather than ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

Accept that it’s a part of life for this time of year and you are halfway there to getting through it.

Bravery.

It takes a heck of a lot of courage and determination to make it through one day at a time when feeling depressed or anxious or both. We are brave, courageous beings in that we get ourselves through each minute, hour or day and are still alive and breathing. That take a lot of power to be able to do. Be proud of yourself. 

Care.

Be consistent with how you are caring for yourself over this time. Ensure time for yourself when needed. It can be overwhelming. Sleep when you can and even cancel plans if you feel you need timeout. But try not to hide away either. Sometimes when you feel you cannot possibly be bothered with doing a social event then you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy the event. Beware of comedown though and learn how to cope with suddenly finding yourself alone after having a good time. Self care is extremely important.

Digestion.

The digestive system can be extremely sensitive to upset and emotionally changes. This time of year it can be overworked with sugary products, alcohol and large amounts of food; foods that can also trigger digestive problems. Studies are showing a direct correlation between gut inflammation and depression and anxiety. Gut inflammation  can be responsible for pain, irritable bowel, indigestion and many other symptoms including feelings of anxiety and depression. It won’t hurt to take a good quality probiotic during this time if you are overindulging. They don't have to be expensive but make sure they aren’t cheap ones off the supermarket shelf. Getting one from a health food shop is probably best but don’t be persuaded to part with lots of money for one. There’s no need. Pro-30 Max by Natures Aid is a good one to try but if the strength is too much then take one with less bacteria in. Take it first thing on rising when acid is low in the stomach and not with a hot drink as this can kill the bacteria in the capsule.

Exercise.

Groan…….exercising can be a difficult one to achieve. It’s particularly difficult when feeling depressed or anxious in my experience. Getting out can be anxiety provoking and being depressed can lead to lack of motivation and energy. However, if the adverts or constant references to christmas on the TV or radio are getting on your nerves a good walk can clear your head. Or if a walk isn’t your thing, how about a swim? It doesn't have to be tens of lengths, a few will do. I have yet to discover that exercise releases endorphins and I have participated in many strenuous exercising regimes but I know a good walk sometimes is all that’s needed to blow some cobwebs away.

Forgiveness.

Forgive yourself! You’re doing great. Stop chastising yourself for things you think you are guilty of. If you cannot find the strength or energy to do something which you think needs doing or you should be doing then stop. You are important too and if the thing you think should be done doesn't get done then so what? Not everything has to be perfect it just has to be done to the best of your ability. 

Gratitude.

We live in a society where it is thrust upon on us most days how much people have. Fancy cars, big houses or money for example but how many of us say thanks for the basics in life such as a roof over our heads or that we have had a few hours sleep, as apposed to none? Do we wake up and be thankful we had a bed to sleep in at all or focus on the fact that it’s cold and dark when we get up? It’s a habit I think a lot of us have gotten into.

I was out walking some dogs the other day and was tired and felt heavy, wanting to be home with my feet up when I saw a young man in a wheel chair and instantly felt guilty that I had been feeling sorry myself. I’m fortunate enough not to have to rely on a wheel chair to get about and should be thankful for the legs that carry me about and allow me to do the job I do with ease. I’m sure the guy in the wheel chair is probably far more grateful for things than I am! It takes work to practice it but you can master it. Just look at how good you are at making negative thoughts really important!

Help.

Ask for it if you think you need it. Ask friends and family to help out if you feel things are getting too much for you. Yes, it’s busy time of year for some but for others it may not be and they may be willing to help out with whatever it is you need, even if it’s just wrapping presents or doing a shop. If you don’t ask then people won’t know you need help but I know only too well that I don’t ask for fear of rejection. This is tough one and another thing to conquer. Maybe ask acharity that is designed to help those with mental health problems? That’s what they are there for. Whether it’s advice, someone to talk to or practical help (within reason).

Insomnia.

Wanting to sleep and being unable is a bitch. It can send even the most stable person insane. It’s very underestimated. Not only are you depressed being awake during the day or want some respite from being anxious all the time then our bodies then decide to keep us awake all night or from the early hours. I still suffer a little from early morning waking and disturbed sleep but it’s manageable. But I remember the days of being awake at silly o’clock until the early hours and managing about 3 hours at a time. It was torture. You’ll probably be finding concentration difficult as well and extremely frustrated. If you are fortunate enough to have access to on demand films or tv then storing up programmes could be an option or a new series on netflix? It’ll be hard enough avoiding christmas movies and re runs at this time of year as it is. Or maybe try and read something? Or even start a blog? Blue light doesn’t help sleep, which is omitted from TV’s and kindle devices but in my experience I fall asleep watching a film rather than lying trying to sleep tossing and turning.

Have some sleep aids in stock too such as nytol. They do chemical and herbal versions for short term relief so always worth a try especially if you just want to sleep and try and forget as much of this time of year as possible and try and avoid it all together.

Joy.

There’s a lot of pressure to feel joy at christmas time but if we aren’t feeling it, then we aren’t feeling it. It can’t be forced. So don’t try to. Be aware of your emotions and examine how you feel and reflect on it but never try to force it. Using the technique to not encourage the bad thoughts and feelings and practice letting in the good thoughts and feelings. If you do feel joy however brief embrace it wholeheartedly.

Kindness. 

Give and receive it. I have to practice this most days as I can be grumpy but no-one deserves that. Receiving can be equally hard at times but accept it when it’s given. The world would be a much better place with more kindness in it.

Loneliness.

We feel loneliness if we are not content within ourselves. Christmas highlights being on your own 100% whether it is because a spouse has died or a relationship breakdown or family live far away; it feels more acute at this time of year. I was fortunate to be in a job where I could work Christmas to avoid people I didn't want to see but also avoid being alone. This may not be possible for many people. If I were to find myself alone at Christmas now I would be tempted to occupy myself somehow probably by volunteering for the homeless or an animal charity on christmas and boxing day. 

There is no antidote to loneliness only distraction and working towards loving oneself. Some activities can highlight it and some quash it. It may well be outside your comfort zone to volunteer but there are so many deserving charities out there that desperately need help this time of year. See also ‘people’.

Motivation.

I don’t know about you but this is something I seriously lack any time of year let alone when I’m up against a time scale. What do I do to counteract this? I pace myself. I start early and do things at quiet times when I can. A little bit, often. Not always possible I know. There is nothing more off putting than shopping at the very last minute to put a wet blanket over any motivation you have managed to summons up. No rushing allowed! No last minute dashing about. 

No.

One word and learn how to say it. Without explanation. There’s no need to elaborate. That’s no one else business but yours.

Overkill.

The holiday time might span for a couple of weeks but really it’s only a couple of days and it can be a huge let down and comedown once it’s over. That’s why it’s important not to go overboard. Getting into debt and stressing yourself out for what? Two days. It really isn’t worth it. Like I have said in other points, it really is not worth it to stress yourself out so much and spend money you don’t have to appear to have the ‘perfect’ time. Do what you feel capable of and don’t push yourself to destruction.

People.

Being around people is forced upon us at this time of year just because it’s this time of the year. And people can be really bloody irritating. Being with the ones we want to is an option and if we can’t then don’t settle for just anyone but if being alone and lonely is not the best option then chose as wisely as possible. 

Avoid crowds at the shops. People scrabbling for a bargain can be a real pain in the arse. If you are already feeling tired and irritable or depressed and anxious this will be exacerbated. 

However, people can be uplifting and a great source of comfort. Just having a chat in the street with a neighbour can help lift our spirits. Even if we feel we want to avoid people sometimes an exchange with another person can lift us out the funk we might be stuck in.

Quiet time.

As with self care take some time out for yourself and have some quiet time. Be it a walk or off to bed for an hour if it all gets too much or overwhelming. People with depression and anxiety are much more sensitive to their surroundings, environment and energy. Know when you are reaching your limit and take time out before it gets too much for you.

Relatives

Whether it be having to see those we don’t want to or missing those that are not with us any longer or not being able to be with those we love. And even the death of a much loved pet.

It’s painful to miss those we no longer have in our lives for whatever reason. My mother died over 20 years ago and I still miss her. But time does make it easier. Old and boring cliche. But the truth. A first christmas without someone special can be atrocious so again the best thing to do is distraction until it’s all over by any means possible except drugs and alcohol! The come down from either makes the pain ever more acute and it’s just not worth it. It’s going to be hard, there’s no two ways about it. Keep going through the day every minute or hour at a time. Whatever it takes to get you through. 

Here are some great tips for coping with grief and loss at any time.

If it’s having to see relatives you really don’t want to then simply- don’t do it. It’s your time to do with what you wish. Don’t feel guilty. If you want to stay home with a partner all day or home alone and not go visiting then do it. If you really feel bad about not seeing those people then arrange to see them before or after christmas and don’t let people guilt trip you into seeing them. My brother would do this and I have spent many christmas’ uncomfortable and fed up being made to stay when I wanted to go home and relax and watch what I wanted on TV not play horrendous board games or watch what he wanted to on TV. It spoilt my day and made me angry so i refused to do it anymore. I was called boring and miserable but I started to value myself and my feelings more than his or his words.

Suicidal thoughts.

These seem to be more prominent and determined around this time of year when people are more vulnerable or cannot face the time ahead. What to do when these awful beasts strike? Tell someone for a start. If you feel you have no one to talk to reach out to someone or failing that go to a hospital accident and emergency department. What you must not do is act out on those awful thoughts as they are not real. Write them down and leave them there in the book. Disown them.

It is absolutely beyond heinous feeling suicidal but it is driven by our thoughts. Interrupt them and tell them ‘I know you are there but I’m not going to listen to you so be quiet’. This takes practice but you have to beat them down and not allow them the power to reap havoc and destruction on your and your loved ones lives.

You are worth it and you are valued even if you don’t believe it. Suicide leaves behind a trail of destruction. The thoughts also do come and go and if they come, they can go so be brave and hang on until you get respite from them. 

Time.

Most people I know seem to be in rush and there is ‘no time’. Why? What are you doing that makes you so busy? I’ve had periods of time when I’ve been really busy but not all the time. It seems to be the people who like everything perfect that are the busy ones. Why does everything have to be ‘perfect’? Constant cleaning and having to do things a certain way just creates more stress none of us need. If it means planning a little more in advance, after all there’s been a year since the last one then just do things a little sooner. Don’t stretch yourself to the limit. It’s only a few days out of the year. So what if the toilet doesn’t get cleaned or you didn’t get that certain present you wanted for your loved one that you really wanted tot get? So what if you don’t send any cards. Do it electronically if you must send a greeting. Nothing is ever that important and it will not make the world end, however running yourself ragged will result in frustration, exhaustion and further feelings of inadequacies or deepening depression and exacerbation of anxiety.

Unload.

Take a load off yourself. Unload and unburden yourself. Write a journal. Do some yoga. Dance round your front room to One Direction. Release the tension with a hot bath an lavender oil or a good old rant to the mirror addressing the person we feel may have irritated us or wronged us or write them a letter that never gets sent. Take that big pile of shit and dump it out!

Volunteering.

Something to consider if you find yourself with days to spare for whatever reason over the holiday season. It can lift the spirits and give us a massive sense of purpose and helps out those less fortunate to boot. Win win! It can be one hour or many days.

Worry.

Generally goes hand in hand with anxiety. Often worry is unfounded and unhelpful. Write your worries down and put them in a box along with the feeling attached to them and let them go. Practice imagining the worries leaving your body and floating away. This could be a concept that you might find hard to grasp but it’s a hell of a lot better than carrying those worries about. What are you worried about? Are they real worries? Could they actually happen? Are they unfounded? Put them into perspective.

Xxxxxx

Some kisses for you because you deserve them.

You.

It’s all about you. No one else feels what you are feeling at any given time. They can’t change you or be responsible for you. Only you can do that. So take control and be responsible for yourself. Your time and energy are important as anyones else so be careful with it. Use it wisely and be frugal with it!

Zzzzzz.

Get plenty of these, if you can. It’s a great way to recoup and recharge.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 7.

The thing about chronic fatigue is it robs you of energy. Mixed with depression, you are robbed of energy and feeling good. If you are in a bad place with your mind and your body isn't willing to help your mind by distracting it with physical activity then it's a vicious circle.

I was working long days and nights mixed in, around looking after my daughter. I still didn't sleep after night shifts as the mood stabilisers rendered me unconscious sometimes and I was scared I wouldn't wake up in time to go and get my daughter and it would end up my ex finding out and using it against me, so I didn't take them. Whilst we were together, a couple of times I overslept and school would call me and I'd rush up there and get her form reception feeling terrible and apologising loads and my ex wouldn't bat an eyelid about it. But now that my ex was her named on her records I was bottom of the lists of contacts.

He had gone in to the school with the court order and changed the details of the first contact.With his gf as second contact. He had also told them about my suicide attempts and a couple times I had said I was going to fetch our daughter instead of her going to out of school club as she hated it. He had warned the school and they were on alert if I attempted to kidnap her. I was home and off work and I wasn't allowed to fetch her or they'd get the police involved.

I couldn't risk that as it wouldn't be fair on my daughter. No matter what I was, I wasn't a kidnapper. I was irrational and over emotional but I wasn't about to break the law. Plus she'd get so confused about days I was getting her if it wasn't a set day. One time she wanted to walk a little way home on her own with her friends so I waited halfway with the other mums and she forgot about it and she need up wandering around the playground not sure where she should be. She ended up going to out of school club and school called first my ex then his gf then my ex called me.

I was driving around the neighbourhood trying to find her and was panicking. I rang school and they said 'we've called her mum but she's in a meeting'. I was furious. This is what happens when you have a mental health problem and work shifts. You get shut out of your child's life. My ex called me and said not to worry as his gf was on her way to get her. You can guess what I said to him. I drove to the club and was made to stand on the doorstep so they could ring my ex to make sure I was allowed to pick her up. They had been alerted also that I was 'mentally unstable'. The thing was I was the one who enrolled her in the club and spent half a day there with her and now I was the baddy.

It was amazing in a few months I had gone from her main carer to being hardly involved in her life. There was no middle ground. I was now the estranged dad of the family. It was like my ex had been taken over by aliens. He had never been a bad father but now he was father of the year. The ex friend who slated me before had said that the group of friends we had been part of had always said that our daughter should be with my ex as he was a far better parent.

The thing was in public he appeared to be a great dad but in private he was back to normal. I did everything. Whilst we were out in public he would focus his attention on looking after our daughter so he wouldn't have to talk to the adults. He'd already admitted he felt intimidated with my friends. He would even change nappies when she was younger and feed her. I took the opportunity to have time off from being solely responsible for her. It came back to bite me in the ass.

It felt like grief. I was in denial and angry. I didn't like some other woman and my ex telling me what was good for my daughter and what to do with her and when. It was a constant barrage of texts and arguments. My relationship with my daughter had also changed, she had become very awkward and hostile towards me and had started bad mouthing me to my ex and his gf. It is common when children go to live with their other parent. But it was still hard to cope with.

Things escalated when they decided to send he to the school close to my ex's go's house. That meant leaving all her friends behind and all I got off my daughter was tears and tantrums over it. I was scared about her going to high school anyway. Every time I picked her up she would cry about having to leave her friends. I argued with my brother and my sister in law over it as well as my ex and unbeknownst to me my brother was colluding behind my back with my brother.

When I had taken the OD my ex had alerted my brother to 'look out' for me. The last person I wanted to know what was going on was my brother. He was opinionated, judgemental and arrogant at the best of times. He reckoned he was concerned about me. But my brother and sister in law just aren't those kind of people. I didn't trust them as far as I could throw them and they went on to prove that in style later on.

I had found a little bit of peace inside me and finding some energy from somewhere I managed to work extra shifts as I was living alone and had all the bills to pay. My daughters move to high school went without too much drama and I started talking again o a guy I had been speaking to briefly a few months earlier.  I tried to keep him at arms length as I wasn't interested in a relationship at that moment. He persisted and we got to talking about things. He was a good listener. But still I kept him at arms length.

It took him a while to persuade me he wasn't the same as other guys. I could see that. I had asked for someone kind, considerate, caring, compassionate and understanding and here he was. I trusted him. And finally had someone on my side to see the shit I put up with everyday.

He became my other half (OH). I introduced him to my brother in December and immediately he didn't like his attitude. My brother was being his rude obnoxious self. We had a falling out in the summer over my daughter and which school she was going to and not attending my nephews birthday party and we got back in touch just before my niece was born but it had been awkward. That day he was showing his true colours and my OH wasn't impressed.

They have never been my kind of people. I'm still not sure how you would describe them either. I've always been a bit of hippy and not bothered with fancy clothes or fancy or labels or expensive stuff. My brother and sister in law have always been about what they have got and outdoing their mates. My brother had always been a bit of a bully towards me and on many occasion told me how to live my life and how to what and what to spend my money on etc. He hurt me quite frequently with things used to say to me. But I loved him so most of the time I let it churn me up inside but never said anything.

I think my brother knew that my OH wasn't going to stand any bull. Then came another blow.

I texted my sister in law to ask her what they were doing that weekend and I got a vey long text back in return. I knew something wasn't right. The gist of the text was that my brother and sister in law had bumped into my ex and his gf in town one day and got chatting and found they liked each other and as my daughter was going to be at my ex's most of the time they were going to forge a relationship with them so that they could see my daughter more. They were big on family.

I was of course very upset as they could see my daughter when she was with me and besides my daughter really wasn't bothered about them. When my ex and I were together we had gone to solicitor and nominated who should have her should anything happen to both of us. We didn't nominate my brother and sister in law that was for sure. He talked to her like crap most of the time. And neither I nor my ex ever stood up to him for speaking to her that way.

It did me a favour really, my oppressive brother was finally out of my life. The downside was I wouldn't see my niece and nephew again. They have since started to go on holidays together which I have come to accept is good for my daughter.

My ex had taken me to CSA (child support agency) late 2013 and quite frankly left me in the shit. But I also had no energy to work extra hours at that time. I had managed to work extra for a couple of months but the energy soon ran out and I was back to scraping myself through the days and just getting by. I tried to call it off with my OH as I wouldn't be able to afford to do anything with him or contribute to anything. But he wouldn't have it. I swear, although was a few issues with jealousy on his part, that if it wasn't for him I don't think I would have made it this far.

There were times when our relationship was difficult and I was down from all the shite I was getting on my ex and his gf and exhausted from work and his jealousy would just tip me over the edge and I would feel suicidal again. It just seemed I couldn't get any peace anywhere so for a while it was difficult. I went off sick from work again as I could barely get out of bed with exhaustion. It was't fantastic for him either having a new partner who was so poorly.

But we stuck at it and he worked through his jealousy and I got my strength back. Then came my divorce papers!!

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 6.

My husband eventually moved out as I had pets so renting would be tricky and also I had moved in and out that many times I couldn't face doing it again. Our daughter used to have lot of friends round in the holidays and my husband wouldn't allow them in the house so it was better I was there. I promised not to stitch him over the money that could be left over should we sell the house.

In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.

I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.

I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.

The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.

My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.

It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.

I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.

I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.

The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.

My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.

I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.

Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.

But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 5.

Embarking on an affair with a married man is one the stupidest things I ever did and I had no dignity for myself or respect for anyone involved. It nearly destroyed me several times.

I moved out of the marital home and into a rented house nearby. I strongly believe in feathers as a sign from people who have passed. I say it's my mum when I see a feather. The morning I rushed back from the school run to get paperwork to go and get a house rented out I saw feathers everywhere. 

But I told myself because the house I was getting was in the next street to the marital home (so our I wouldn't have to move our daughter away from her friends) and I could afford it that it was meant to be. 

I also thought having this house would mean that my married man would come to me. Just like going to New Zealand, it didn't work. I could write a whole book about the things that happened but I won't bore you with the details other than he acted like a married man. He was text book. Getting a second phone so he could text me, using business trips as a way of us going away for the night, pretending to go to work but seeing me all day. We would be skyping virtually all day when we couldn't see each other. 

I should have known, indeed I did know that it wasn't going to work by the fact that I'd gone on a trip abroad with a friend when we first got together and whilst I was away he told me he couldn't do it. I rang him and he cried but after a day started to text again and this was to be the pattern for many months to come.

On 3 occasions, he 'moved' in. Well, the first one he rang to say he was leaving his wife and could he live with me. I was shocked but allowed it. That night he seemed ok but the next day was acting a bit weird before he went to work. He texted me not long after he had left my house and said he needed to go and see his kids after work as they were upset. I said it was no problem and I'd see him later, then I went upstairs. The majority of the stuff he'd brought with him the night beforehand gone. He had left. 

I was furious. But I let him do this to me over and over again. Each time getting weaker and weaker in one way and stronger in another. 

I had started to work more hours working three nights a week and my husband would only have our daughter on the nights I worked. She had taken to getting up when I'd gone to bed and I'd find her watching TV all hours of the night plus she wouldn't go to bed for me and every night was stressful trying to get her to bed and to sleep. I was so tired from working all the time and barely getting any sleep. My husband was meanwhile doing all the things I wanted to do like going out, going to the cinema or having a meal. He seemed a changed man but he wouldn't leave me alone. If I didn't text him he sulked, if I did he would persuade me to see him once our daughter had gone to bed and do all the things he never did whilst we were together like cook a meal for us both and watch a movie together and even share a bottle of wine.

Wine had become a very good friend of mine at this time and I had started drinking a lot. It quelled the pain of hurt, loneliness, anger and bitterness. It also stopped the tears. I cried a hell of a lot during that time. I didn't know any other way of dealing with it. I didn't know half of what I know now of dealing with life than I do now. Maybe I wasn't in the right place to do it back then?

Whilst on a break from MM (married man) I started seeing someone else who liked to drink also. It was a dangerous mixture. I had told him about MM and he was understanding and even shared the texts with him MM would send me whilst we were together. I'd told MM to leave me alone as I was seeing someone else but he wouldn't leave me be and although I had ignored him for a short time when things went wrong with the guy I was back in touch and seeing MM again.

I would miss out on sleeping after my shifts in order to see MM and it was taking it's toll. I was getting very little sleep and was very stressed out. The thrill and excitement had gone but I was stuck with being dependant on this guy. It all came to a head when I'd not slept properly for days and he lied to me again about coming to be with me. It was all a bit too much and I took an overdose. I didn't really want to die, just sleep but stupidly I had done it whilst my daughter was with me. I don't know what I was thinking. The case was referred to social services and after I'd been discharged form hospital it was decided that I would move back into the marital home so that our daughter was safe and social services would be happy that I wasn't on my own with her. Little did I know that my husband would use this against me at a later date. 

I couldn't stay away from MM despite what I had been through and after a while back at home, in separate rooms, I saw him again or was at least in touch with him. Despite trying to give my marriage a go, my heart wasn't in it and I missed MM so much. My husband found out and I got kicked out again and went back to my rental place briefly. But after a short time I was back at the marital home. I can't exactly remember the sequence of events. It's all very fussy and confusing. 

My husband and I started to live sort of separate lives. So I did see MM now and again. He had moved out and sold his marital home and was living alone in a place I could have only ever dreamed of living. I thought perhaps this was it and we would finally be together but something wasn't right. He was acting very strangely. He wasn't keen on me staying overnight.  If I did he would have me out the house by the crack of dawn claiming he had meetings to go to. I never stood up to him or asked to be left in bed and I would let myself out later. When I was getting ready to leave he would scan the house and make sure I'd left nothing behind. He claimed was so his children didn't see anything so I bought it. 

Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. One night he said he was staying in and watching a movie. He hardly texted me that night and I knew he was lying so I drove to his house and his car wasn't there. Later that night when he started texting again I challenged him and he denied everything. He was good at doing that. He had done it a lot in the past and his wife had even confirmed some of my beliefs on a few things. I went round and he wouldn't open the door but when I started shouting he did as it was a small village and he had an appearance to keep up.

I threw the presents he had given me for christmas back at him and a necklace he had given me the christmas before and said good riddance. I badgered and badgered him on text after to tell me the truth about what had been going on and he still denied anything had. But eventually after banding insults backwards and forwards he admitted he'd been seeing a girl his sister worked with who lived int the village. That explained everything.

He still denied how long he'd been seeing her as he said it was only once but it had been weeks. I also found out that the liaison he'd had with a girl from the office before we had gotten together was more than a kiss in the carpark. I'm not saying I was in the wrong but jut that this was the type of person I really didn't need ever in my life.

I had the ability to attract the vultures of the vulnerable easily. One of my ex friends was one. I hadn't really wanted to be friends with her but she wouldn't leave me alone. I took it as flattery rather than what it was. A following for her. I kept the relationship up for years but when I had finished the relationship with MM and started to look at other avenues to occupy myself she slated everything I did. Apparently she had been having a go about me for a long time behind my back but it didn't come to light until I accidentally offended her on text then the proverbial hit the fan.

Ironically she did me a favour as she had reported me to social services for drinking too heavily and sleeping whilst our daughter was in the house so I stopped drinking and went to work weekends instead. I had taken on a challenge to keep my mind off MM so that gave me chance int he week to fundraise for it whilst my daughter was at school. 

My husband and I seemed to carry on after all the stuff with MM but I still struggled to be his wife. Sex was always begrudged and I never had any libido. We still had separate rooms because I found it annoying if I was fast asleep then he'd wake me up on coming to bed and then I wouldn't get back to sleep. I found a new lease of life in cycling though and training for a big bike ride in Africa. So things just bumbled along and I forgot about everyday life and just focused on fundraising and bike riding. 

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 2.

Be careful reading this it could possibly trigger some unwanted feelings.

Following my mothers death and a change of job, my BF (best friend) decided she was going travelling and their was no way she was going without me so I set about renting my house out and packing up to go. It seemed a complete turn around from spending months creating a home and buying things for it to packing it all up to go away.

I intended to go to Australia and never come back. I managed mostly quite well whilst over there. There was a lot of partying and long days working whilst we lived in Sydney. It wasn't without angst but mostly I felt in control and happy. That was until the guy I was seeing went away for christmas without me and I found I was pregnant. I started crying and could not stop.

To add to the the complications I'd had a one night stand whilst my boyfriend was away and turned out it was the one night stands baby. Despite using the morning after pill, which I was told didn't work in Australia. After I found this out I  decided I had no choice but to have a termination. Something I had been against anyone doing for years. It was my worst fear and it was happening to me and I was having to go through it. It was either that or face bringing up a child alone and I knew I wasn't capable of that.

Whatever your thoughts on abortion, please bare in mind that every circumstance is unique and individual. It was a difficult decision for me but I didn't have a choice. I had a one night stand because I got really drunk and got attention of a guy that was at the party and it seemed to ease the pain a little, temporarily. That's how I dealt with things. I would not recommend doing any other actions as a fix at all.

I didn't stop crying as we moved to Melbourne and I attended the clinic and it was all over very quickly. Then we moved to Adelaide and I was working but I was in a very bad place and my poor BF was relieved when I decided to go and stay with the guy I had been seeing in Sydney who was now living in a mining town called Kalgoorlie. I went to see a GP in Adelaide for antidepressants. He was a wonderful guy and told me that going to live with my 'boyfriend' was going to be a big mistake. I knew this in my heart and soul but I felt so relieved when he'd asked me to come and stay with him.

I stopped crying and my BF was relieved to be free of this crying mess and I got on a bus and headed to my boyfriends place where we stayed for 3 months before he decided he was going to head to Europe. Alone. I was devastated. I hung on for dear life. I followed him round like a lost child and the thought of going it alone was terrifying. I know very co-dependent. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. They tore me up inside.

We did go our separate ways whilst I went and travelled a bit more of the coast of Australia. But I struggled and muddled along. But I managed as I had seeing my boyfriend again to look forward to. We saw each other again in Ayers Rock and spent a great time travelling a bit but he soon left again and I somehow had to pick myself up and carry on.

I eventually went back home and arranged to meet my boyfriend back at my dads house. I joined him, his sister and her best friend on a journey in a camper van round Scotland. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I did it anyway. It was clear we weren't getting on then but we ended up in Ireland to see a guy we had been friends with and lived with in Sydney. Ireland turned out to be horrific for me.

I couldn't work as it was southern Ireland so went back to London to work for 18 days and got a terrible feeling whilst I was there. I could hardly get hold of my boyfriend and when I got back to Ireland things were very hard. Our mutual friend had picked up some photos and purposely gave them to me to look through and there was a photo of my boyfriend lip locked with our mutual friends cousin. It floored me. I was already very fragile but this was the moment of no return and I had no choice, after many arguments and drunken melt downs, I decided to leave so I headed, in a mess, back to my dads house.

I got a job again and tried to move on and my BF came back from travelling too so we shared a room in a shared house for a couple of months. I was just starting to get myself back to some semblance of normality when my ex turned up and threw the whole can of worms open again. No sooner had he turned up than he decided I wasn't what he wanted and left within a couple of days. I was once again thrown into turmoil.

I couldn't work, I couldn't stop crying. I went back to the doctor and got some anti depressants which gave me horrendous nightmares and made me feel awful so I knocked them on the head and decided to go to New Zealand. I planned it without anyone knowing. Almost like a suicide, I planned to leave without telling anyone and left notes for my dad and best friend but she knew something as wrong so I told her.

My plan was that if I was in New Zealand my ex, who was from there, would come rushing back to me as he would see how dedicated I was to him. He'd sent me a letter whilst I was in Nottingham and kind of declared his love to me. This was after he'd been to stay with me. It was a weird situation. I was convinced we were meant to be together.

Needless to say I was very down and it was very lonely place to be when you are not in a good place. You can travel all over the world and still feel lonely inside. I could not find peace at all. I was having terrible nightmares, felt dreadful and very lonely. I ended up going back to my dads again, in a lot of debt and feeling lost.

I threw myself into work and paid off my debts and felt better. There was pattern forming. Periods of feeling really down and unable to do much and crying a lot to then slowly getting back on track and elevating to going out all the time and working all hours and feeling brilliant. I didn't know it then but  I was having hypomania's. It would be years before I realised this was what was actually happening and broach the subject with mental health care team. I went on like this for years.

I felt, at this time, great. things were going really well and for the first time in my dating history, I had   several guys that were interested in me so there was no shortage of dates and fun. It's always when you are like this and content with yourself that you find someone you really like and want to be with.
I was 26 by this time so was thinking that this would be a good time to settle down.

My relationship with my husband to be flowed pretty well and we moved into my house that I rented out whilst I'd been travelling. We had only been seeing each other a few weeks when we decided to get married. He was smitten and I was bowled over. But upon moving into the house together things weren't quite as rosy as they had been or I thought they were.