An A to Z guide to coping with Christmas when suffering with anxiety and depression.

This time of year can be challenging for most people but for those with a propensity to being more sensitive than others it can be very difficult.  Love it or hate it, it’s everywhere you look and on everything you listen to. It’s unavoidable unless you can escape to a place with no internet, tv or radio so I have compiled a list of coping strategies to help get you through the holiday time.

Acceptance.

It’s here, it’s unavoidable and it’s in your face. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest option. If we fight something it can often make it worse than ‘going with it’. There’s a myriad of emotions attached to this time of year which can make it exceptionally hard to deal with so burdening ourselves with fighting the ‘christmas cheer’ can lead to further feelings of depression and anxiety.

As the saying goes 'resistance is futile’. If christmas cheer or adverts wind you up then take a step back and ask ‘why’? Is that others appear happy? is it that you feel jealous? Learn to deal with these feelings and explore why you feel this way rather than ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

Accept that it’s a part of life for this time of year and you are halfway there to getting through it.

Bravery.

It takes a heck of a lot of courage and determination to make it through one day at a time when feeling depressed or anxious or both. We are brave, courageous beings in that we get ourselves through each minute, hour or day and are still alive and breathing. That take a lot of power to be able to do. Be proud of yourself. 

Care.

Be consistent with how you are caring for yourself over this time. Ensure time for yourself when needed. It can be overwhelming. Sleep when you can and even cancel plans if you feel you need timeout. But try not to hide away either. Sometimes when you feel you cannot possibly be bothered with doing a social event then you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy the event. Beware of comedown though and learn how to cope with suddenly finding yourself alone after having a good time. Self care is extremely important.

Digestion.

The digestive system can be extremely sensitive to upset and emotionally changes. This time of year it can be overworked with sugary products, alcohol and large amounts of food; foods that can also trigger digestive problems. Studies are showing a direct correlation between gut inflammation and depression and anxiety. Gut inflammation  can be responsible for pain, irritable bowel, indigestion and many other symptoms including feelings of anxiety and depression. It won’t hurt to take a good quality probiotic during this time if you are overindulging. They don't have to be expensive but make sure they aren’t cheap ones off the supermarket shelf. Getting one from a health food shop is probably best but don’t be persuaded to part with lots of money for one. There’s no need. Pro-30 Max by Natures Aid is a good one to try but if the strength is too much then take one with less bacteria in. Take it first thing on rising when acid is low in the stomach and not with a hot drink as this can kill the bacteria in the capsule.

Exercise.

Groan…….exercising can be a difficult one to achieve. It’s particularly difficult when feeling depressed or anxious in my experience. Getting out can be anxiety provoking and being depressed can lead to lack of motivation and energy. However, if the adverts or constant references to christmas on the TV or radio are getting on your nerves a good walk can clear your head. Or if a walk isn’t your thing, how about a swim? It doesn't have to be tens of lengths, a few will do. I have yet to discover that exercise releases endorphins and I have participated in many strenuous exercising regimes but I know a good walk sometimes is all that’s needed to blow some cobwebs away.

Forgiveness.

Forgive yourself! You’re doing great. Stop chastising yourself for things you think you are guilty of. If you cannot find the strength or energy to do something which you think needs doing or you should be doing then stop. You are important too and if the thing you think should be done doesn't get done then so what? Not everything has to be perfect it just has to be done to the best of your ability. 

Gratitude.

We live in a society where it is thrust upon on us most days how much people have. Fancy cars, big houses or money for example but how many of us say thanks for the basics in life such as a roof over our heads or that we have had a few hours sleep, as apposed to none? Do we wake up and be thankful we had a bed to sleep in at all or focus on the fact that it’s cold and dark when we get up? It’s a habit I think a lot of us have gotten into.

I was out walking some dogs the other day and was tired and felt heavy, wanting to be home with my feet up when I saw a young man in a wheel chair and instantly felt guilty that I had been feeling sorry myself. I’m fortunate enough not to have to rely on a wheel chair to get about and should be thankful for the legs that carry me about and allow me to do the job I do with ease. I’m sure the guy in the wheel chair is probably far more grateful for things than I am! It takes work to practice it but you can master it. Just look at how good you are at making negative thoughts really important!

Help.

Ask for it if you think you need it. Ask friends and family to help out if you feel things are getting too much for you. Yes, it’s busy time of year for some but for others it may not be and they may be willing to help out with whatever it is you need, even if it’s just wrapping presents or doing a shop. If you don’t ask then people won’t know you need help but I know only too well that I don’t ask for fear of rejection. This is tough one and another thing to conquer. Maybe ask acharity that is designed to help those with mental health problems? That’s what they are there for. Whether it’s advice, someone to talk to or practical help (within reason).

Insomnia.

Wanting to sleep and being unable is a bitch. It can send even the most stable person insane. It’s very underestimated. Not only are you depressed being awake during the day or want some respite from being anxious all the time then our bodies then decide to keep us awake all night or from the early hours. I still suffer a little from early morning waking and disturbed sleep but it’s manageable. But I remember the days of being awake at silly o’clock until the early hours and managing about 3 hours at a time. It was torture. You’ll probably be finding concentration difficult as well and extremely frustrated. If you are fortunate enough to have access to on demand films or tv then storing up programmes could be an option or a new series on netflix? It’ll be hard enough avoiding christmas movies and re runs at this time of year as it is. Or maybe try and read something? Or even start a blog? Blue light doesn’t help sleep, which is omitted from TV’s and kindle devices but in my experience I fall asleep watching a film rather than lying trying to sleep tossing and turning.

Have some sleep aids in stock too such as nytol. They do chemical and herbal versions for short term relief so always worth a try especially if you just want to sleep and try and forget as much of this time of year as possible and try and avoid it all together.

Joy.

There’s a lot of pressure to feel joy at christmas time but if we aren’t feeling it, then we aren’t feeling it. It can’t be forced. So don’t try to. Be aware of your emotions and examine how you feel and reflect on it but never try to force it. Using the technique to not encourage the bad thoughts and feelings and practice letting in the good thoughts and feelings. If you do feel joy however brief embrace it wholeheartedly.

Kindness. 

Give and receive it. I have to practice this most days as I can be grumpy but no-one deserves that. Receiving can be equally hard at times but accept it when it’s given. The world would be a much better place with more kindness in it.

Loneliness.

We feel loneliness if we are not content within ourselves. Christmas highlights being on your own 100% whether it is because a spouse has died or a relationship breakdown or family live far away; it feels more acute at this time of year. I was fortunate to be in a job where I could work Christmas to avoid people I didn't want to see but also avoid being alone. This may not be possible for many people. If I were to find myself alone at Christmas now I would be tempted to occupy myself somehow probably by volunteering for the homeless or an animal charity on christmas and boxing day. 

There is no antidote to loneliness only distraction and working towards loving oneself. Some activities can highlight it and some quash it. It may well be outside your comfort zone to volunteer but there are so many deserving charities out there that desperately need help this time of year. See also ‘people’.

Motivation.

I don’t know about you but this is something I seriously lack any time of year let alone when I’m up against a time scale. What do I do to counteract this? I pace myself. I start early and do things at quiet times when I can. A little bit, often. Not always possible I know. There is nothing more off putting than shopping at the very last minute to put a wet blanket over any motivation you have managed to summons up. No rushing allowed! No last minute dashing about. 

No.

One word and learn how to say it. Without explanation. There’s no need to elaborate. That’s no one else business but yours.

Overkill.

The holiday time might span for a couple of weeks but really it’s only a couple of days and it can be a huge let down and comedown once it’s over. That’s why it’s important not to go overboard. Getting into debt and stressing yourself out for what? Two days. It really isn’t worth it. Like I have said in other points, it really is not worth it to stress yourself out so much and spend money you don’t have to appear to have the ‘perfect’ time. Do what you feel capable of and don’t push yourself to destruction.

People.

Being around people is forced upon us at this time of year just because it’s this time of the year. And people can be really bloody irritating. Being with the ones we want to is an option and if we can’t then don’t settle for just anyone but if being alone and lonely is not the best option then chose as wisely as possible. 

Avoid crowds at the shops. People scrabbling for a bargain can be a real pain in the arse. If you are already feeling tired and irritable or depressed and anxious this will be exacerbated. 

However, people can be uplifting and a great source of comfort. Just having a chat in the street with a neighbour can help lift our spirits. Even if we feel we want to avoid people sometimes an exchange with another person can lift us out the funk we might be stuck in.

Quiet time.

As with self care take some time out for yourself and have some quiet time. Be it a walk or off to bed for an hour if it all gets too much or overwhelming. People with depression and anxiety are much more sensitive to their surroundings, environment and energy. Know when you are reaching your limit and take time out before it gets too much for you.

Relatives

Whether it be having to see those we don’t want to or missing those that are not with us any longer or not being able to be with those we love. And even the death of a much loved pet.

It’s painful to miss those we no longer have in our lives for whatever reason. My mother died over 20 years ago and I still miss her. But time does make it easier. Old and boring cliche. But the truth. A first christmas without someone special can be atrocious so again the best thing to do is distraction until it’s all over by any means possible except drugs and alcohol! The come down from either makes the pain ever more acute and it’s just not worth it. It’s going to be hard, there’s no two ways about it. Keep going through the day every minute or hour at a time. Whatever it takes to get you through. 

Here are some great tips for coping with grief and loss at any time.

If it’s having to see relatives you really don’t want to then simply- don’t do it. It’s your time to do with what you wish. Don’t feel guilty. If you want to stay home with a partner all day or home alone and not go visiting then do it. If you really feel bad about not seeing those people then arrange to see them before or after christmas and don’t let people guilt trip you into seeing them. My brother would do this and I have spent many christmas’ uncomfortable and fed up being made to stay when I wanted to go home and relax and watch what I wanted on TV not play horrendous board games or watch what he wanted to on TV. It spoilt my day and made me angry so i refused to do it anymore. I was called boring and miserable but I started to value myself and my feelings more than his or his words.

Suicidal thoughts.

These seem to be more prominent and determined around this time of year when people are more vulnerable or cannot face the time ahead. What to do when these awful beasts strike? Tell someone for a start. If you feel you have no one to talk to reach out to someone or failing that go to a hospital accident and emergency department. What you must not do is act out on those awful thoughts as they are not real. Write them down and leave them there in the book. Disown them.

It is absolutely beyond heinous feeling suicidal but it is driven by our thoughts. Interrupt them and tell them ‘I know you are there but I’m not going to listen to you so be quiet’. This takes practice but you have to beat them down and not allow them the power to reap havoc and destruction on your and your loved ones lives.

You are worth it and you are valued even if you don’t believe it. Suicide leaves behind a trail of destruction. The thoughts also do come and go and if they come, they can go so be brave and hang on until you get respite from them. 

Time.

Most people I know seem to be in rush and there is ‘no time’. Why? What are you doing that makes you so busy? I’ve had periods of time when I’ve been really busy but not all the time. It seems to be the people who like everything perfect that are the busy ones. Why does everything have to be ‘perfect’? Constant cleaning and having to do things a certain way just creates more stress none of us need. If it means planning a little more in advance, after all there’s been a year since the last one then just do things a little sooner. Don’t stretch yourself to the limit. It’s only a few days out of the year. So what if the toilet doesn’t get cleaned or you didn’t get that certain present you wanted for your loved one that you really wanted tot get? So what if you don’t send any cards. Do it electronically if you must send a greeting. Nothing is ever that important and it will not make the world end, however running yourself ragged will result in frustration, exhaustion and further feelings of inadequacies or deepening depression and exacerbation of anxiety.

Unload.

Take a load off yourself. Unload and unburden yourself. Write a journal. Do some yoga. Dance round your front room to One Direction. Release the tension with a hot bath an lavender oil or a good old rant to the mirror addressing the person we feel may have irritated us or wronged us or write them a letter that never gets sent. Take that big pile of shit and dump it out!

Volunteering.

Something to consider if you find yourself with days to spare for whatever reason over the holiday season. It can lift the spirits and give us a massive sense of purpose and helps out those less fortunate to boot. Win win! It can be one hour or many days.

Worry.

Generally goes hand in hand with anxiety. Often worry is unfounded and unhelpful. Write your worries down and put them in a box along with the feeling attached to them and let them go. Practice imagining the worries leaving your body and floating away. This could be a concept that you might find hard to grasp but it’s a hell of a lot better than carrying those worries about. What are you worried about? Are they real worries? Could they actually happen? Are they unfounded? Put them into perspective.

Xxxxxx

Some kisses for you because you deserve them.

You.

It’s all about you. No one else feels what you are feeling at any given time. They can’t change you or be responsible for you. Only you can do that. So take control and be responsible for yourself. Your time and energy are important as anyones else so be careful with it. Use it wisely and be frugal with it!

Zzzzzz.

Get plenty of these, if you can. It’s a great way to recoup and recharge.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 6.

My husband eventually moved out as I had pets so renting would be tricky and also I had moved in and out that many times I couldn't face doing it again. Our daughter used to have lot of friends round in the holidays and my husband wouldn't allow them in the house so it was better I was there. I promised not to stitch him over the money that could be left over should we sell the house.

In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.

I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.

I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.

The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.

My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.

It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.

I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.

I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.

The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.

My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.

I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.

Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.

But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.

Coping with suicidal feelings of a loved one.

Having a loved one suffering form suicidal feelings can be distressing, exhausting both mentally and physically and confusing. If you have never experienced any kind of feelings like this it can be hard to understand and comprehend. Its difficult to describe these feelings to someone who has never experienced them.

From personal experience the feeling can be like a pit of blackness. A very dark and painful place. Suicidal feelings can lead to physical pains and feelings. A heaviness that is impossible to shake off. It's debilitating and robs us of all feelings other than feeling dreadful. It can leave a person unable to move and confined to bed. It can go hand in hand with physical illness and the two can be confused as to which came first.

Depending on the circumstances of your loved ones illness, depends on how to approach helping them. But generally speaking offering a supportive and caring environment is the least you have to do. Some people may find this a challenge as they fail to see where the suicidal loved one is coming from but all you need to do is not try to understand but offer a safe and supportive place where your loved one can feel sheltered from the outside world, which may be a very scary place when feeling so vulnerable.

Offer love and affection if they can cope with it but do not withhold it as a punishment because you lack understanding of the feelings. The same goes the other way, do not force affection on someone if they feeling vulnerable. You may think of course no one would do that but it has been known and can lead to further feelings of inadequacy and anger.

Encourage the sufferer to self care or help with their care. Wash, brush teeth, run them a bath, offer to wash their hair for them. This may seem as making the sufferer take on a child like role but when feeling utterly helpless the last thing they could be capable of is self care. Depression and suicidal feelings are part of an illness. If your loved one had cancer or a chronic physical illness you would do the same for them with a blink of the eye. Depression can be very physically debilitating and lack of self care can lead to further feelings of inadequacy.

Talk openly with your loved one. Encourage them to open up about their feelings. They may be painful for you to hear and cope with but you are in a greater position to deal with them than the sufferer. If you are finding it hard to deal with what you have been told then find an avenue of help. It could be writing a journal, counselling, talking to a confident or your GP. But be careful who you share your story to, you are very vulnerable as well and you need to find help in the right place but equally do not hold your feelings in. It can be very hurtful to yourself to allow that to happen.

Telling the sufferer how they are making you feel may help them realise that they need to get help and that you are suffering too, however, it may be a hard confession for them to deal with. Only you will be able to gage when is an appropriate time to share that you are suffering also. Therefore it may be more appropriate to seek counselling yourself rather than burden the sufferer even more.

Gently remind the sufferer of the good things in life. How much they are loved by their family and friends. But don't tell them they are selfish feeling the way they do for thinking of ending their own lives. It will only serve to make them feel worse. Reminding them they are loved isn't a ploy at 'snapping them out of it'. It's just to get them to see a little light in the darkness. But be aware it can make them feel even more guilty that they feel that way. It is a case of treating every situation and individual as unique.

Go to their appointments with them if they are having therapy. If they are happy for you to accompany them. You don't have to sit in the room with them as therapy is a very private and personal experience but if you have the time and they appreciate the sentiment, go with them.

The whole experience can be just as exhausting for you. So make sure you take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty about doing something for yourself. If your loved one is expressing that they want to hurt themselves then you cannot physically be there 24/7 to stop them doing what they feel compelled to do. You are the wall between them and the outcome but if they are determined they will do it anyway. You cannot take responsibility for that. They need professional help and maybe even hospitalisation. Be prepared that a hospital stay may be needed. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It could save your loved ones life.

If your loved one is obsessing over suicidal ideation then action needs to be taken. Encourage the person to seek help immediately as it is out of your realms of capability to ensure their safety. If you find them actively hurting themselves you can call emergency services or get them to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible.

Keeping objects of potential harm out the way can prevent a knee jerk reaction to hurting themselves but not always practical. With the best will in the world you cannot remove everything out of the way. If this is the case then they need to be in hospital on suicide watch. People can find ways to hurt themselves in the unlikeliest objects even if they are on suicide watch. If you find that you cannot cope with the situation anymore then seek help immediately before you become depressed yourself. It's quite possible you can suffer from reactionary depression due the stress and pressure you may feel under keeping everything together.

Just know that none of it is your fault and it's not your loved ones fault either. And suicidal feelings do not last. They may come and go but they don't last forever.

Do whatever you can to look after yourself and do not feel guilty about self care. It may only be needed for a short while. Have a massage or go out for coffee with a good friend, whatever it takes to make yourself feel good and better about the situation. It is your right be happy and healthy.

Unsupportive partners.

I met and married my ex husband with a year.I did this for various reasons but I knew in my heart and soul I had made a mistake but decided to go with it as undoing it seemed so much harder.
We met in the July and by the November  we were living in my house, which I had rented out whilst travelling. Within days I realised this guy wasn’t going to be one for helping round the house. I did lots of washing in the first month as he didn’t have a machine in his flat and when we knew we were moving he stopped using the launderette. Fair enough. But then when we had a machine, he didn’t do any laundry either. I kept thinking  ‘he’ll start to help soon’ but he never really did.
Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant and I was suffering horrendous pre natal depression, because of work and lack of support in the home and long days I was exhausted. I was chronically fatigued but not diagnosed and was bitter about not getting my maternity pay so ended up in a downward spiral and became severely depressed. I was so tired I couldn’t even wash my own hair. My husband, rather than helping a little couldn’t handle it and retreated into a shell. I felt very alone but I also imagine I was very difficult to live with. It was a very hot summer and sometimes all I wanted to do was go swimming to cool off but he’d get home and do anything to avoid going with me. I was suffering from paranoia at the time so going alone was difficult plus I wanted someone with me to talk to whilst there. Not much to ask eh?
Depression has always been hanging around in my life for years and it rears it’s ugly head when I am so exhausted I can’t go on and have to be off sick. These cycles went on for years before I was married and whilst I was married.
But now I am in a very supportive partnership, and I mean partnership as we are a team, I no longer have those times of complete frustration and apathy. I have days when I’m more tired than others but my partner is brilliant and does everything for me.
I hear so many women saying how unsupportive their partners are and I was once one of those women. I can’t speak for men as I don’t really know that many men and those I do, except my partner, are the ones who aren’t supportive.
My friends complain about their men not doing anything in the house or helping out when needed or taking the kids off their hands so she can just take a quiet bath or something like that. I’ve seen women so tired and stressed raising a child and/or children and working that they have been really ill. Yes. we want to be independent but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Some women can. Good for them.
I used to be so tired I’d let my daughter get away with things, just for a quiet life. Surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a lot of the time as I worked nights and developed insomnia. Yes, he was there to do the school run and let me sleep in sometimes but only when it was convenient to him. He would sometimes, although not often, come home late, say by an hour and I would be desperate to sleep as I’d be awake for 30 odd hours and he’d just say ‘oh I went to get my hair cut’ or something. I loved being with my daughter but I can’t remember the times I went for a haircut or a smear without a toddler or child in tow.
Women carry so much guilt not being with their kids. Men ‘babysit’ their children. Men most don’t bat an eyelid. I know it’s a genetic thing but genetics don’t dictate our role in the house or as caregivers.
When he lost his job I didn’t get any help aside from him looking after our daughter before and after school. I was ill again and spent 3 months getting better and when I had the energy did the house work. After 3 months of neglect it took me a good couple of weeks to catch up. In the time I’d been laid up, he had hardly done any housework except for the basics. I’m no clean freak but I kept on top of things when I was well despite the tiredness. Once when I was bitching about him never cleaning the bathroom, he said ‘well it looks like you don’t even do it’ my reply was ‘it would look a whole lot worse if I didn’t bother at all’.
He never experienced the tiredness and fatigue I did but because he was working full time and I was part time then it was my duty to do everything else. My brother had the same mind-set when he lived with me and I worked nights, because I was home all day then I could do the chores. He didn’t lift a finger and often left a note (in the days before mobiles) saying when the washing was done, could I put another load of his on? Seriously?
Now my ex is in a relationship with someone who does work full time so he does housework as they are a ‘team’ but neither does he run his web site anymore or have his loft to go work in either. It used to get to me that he thought so little of me that he could be so helpful with another woman but I know we weren’t suited or meant to be and the anger I felt was pointless, I was only hurting myself.
It appears depression related to lack of support from partners in women is quite common. Whether it be with children, illness or housework, it’s common place and I hear it all the time.
I think we know why it happens. Men aren’t cut out for domestic chores, apparently! Some do it so we know it can be done by a man. Men are the hunter gatherers so bring in the wage? Not always, they may work full time but still might not be bread winners. So what stops them lifting a finger when they get home? Who the hell knows.
In an article in the Guardian today about  men doing chores in return for sex apparently. I tried it. It doesn’t work and why shouldn’t a guy mop the floor without expecting sex? Why should a woman have sex with a guy because he tidied up? I want to have sex when we both feel like it and are in the mood for it. At end of the day some guys just don’t think housework is their work. It’s women’s work, as is raising the children and yes you still have to work otherwise you won’t have any money for yourself!
I don’t agree with not standing for your partner not doing his fair share, although this lady gets a high five off me! I also do not agree that they should be given a list and asked to do things. They should know what needs doing and do it for the family, for you and for themselves. It drives me insane!
My partner just gets on with things and as we only live in a small place and he’s home a lot, he just does it rather than sitting with his laptop searching for stuff on ebay or disappearing for the weekend ‘with the lads’. But he always says he has a lot more energy than me and he doesn’t mind doing anything so just cracks on with it so maybe some guys just don’t have the energy but don’t like to admit it?
But even if we lived in a bigger place and he worked away a lot, he would still spend time cleaning and tidying or whatever. And because I appreciate this immensely I don’t resent him so I enjoy the time we have together much more and I also respect him because he respects me. It leads to a very contented life.
So what is the answer? Personally for me I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have any respect for a guy who had so little respect for my daughter and I and pestering for sex, I deserved better. Plus, I didn’t love him so no brainer really but splitting a family apart hasn’t been without it’s problems.
I was scared to be alone and I had always struggled to keep my daughter in check and this was realised when I left. She got even worse with not going to bed or doing anything I asked. Her dad would only have her on the nights I worked so I hardly got a night to myself. I was either at work or had  my daughter. He was going to parties with the girls he was meeting or at the cinema seeing films I wanted to see. Plus I wondered how he could afford it all as he hardly earned much and as a result gave me hardly anything for child support. He was also keeping our martial home spotless and even ironing bedding! He hadn’t changed the sheets, let alone ironed them whilst we were together.
I managed for a year alone before I moved back in with him, into the spare room, I naively though he must be a changed man. My daughter wanted her mum and dad back together and I wanted a rest. Not the smartest idea because whilst we were apart and seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman, but it didn’t last when I moved back in. The housework stopped getting done by him and left to me but he did do the shopping for himself and our daughter, as I used to spend too much.
Needless to say it didn’t last and we separated.
I suppose the other solution is learning to live with it. That’s a humungous task but if you’re up to it then you probably aren’t bothered your guy isn’t supportive anyway otherwise I think you’ll maybe need a great deal of patience and willpower!
I see some friends and acquaintances and feel so angry their guys don’t lift a finger. But that is their journey, their life. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just have to listen and understand and hope one day it’ll change for them.
I also warn my daughter that there are things she needs to not accept when she lives with a guy and that is that if he doesn’t pull his weight then get the hell out of there. She’s still young but if it sticks in her head and finds a guy that does his fair share then I’ll be happy. To have her in a relationship where she is ground down by work, chores and childcare would leave me with a very heavy heart.
She deserves better. We all do. And it’s not much to ask.
I doubt there will be any guys who fit the ‘no chores’ category will be reading this and if they are I doubt it will make them change their minds about supporting their partners. So it’s up to the girls to not stand for it before it’s too late and being stuck with it for years.

                                 

24 hours in one day.

I can't believe only 24 hours has passed. Yesterday felt like days ago. I slept ok and woke feeling ok but guess my mood was low as I felt guilty about my sickness and wish I could just put it to one side and get on with my life. I'm sick of it rearing it's ugly head. I was reading another blog 'depression marathon' www.depressionmarathon.blogspot.com and Etta talks about borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and I can relate to it totally. I asked my husband if the traits sounded like me and he said yes to all them! Explains a lot although I would not want the diagnosis and it is a massive leap from depression to borderline personality disorder. What does that even mean? It's a bit of a 'non' name for an illness and a bit of a scary label but then that's because I have only met one person with that diagnosis and she had multiple problems and hung herself. Whilst depression is a mental illness stepping into the realms of what people would maybe class as 'severe mental illness' would worry me. It's hard enough getting people to understand being depressed let alone anything else. It feels like a massive uphill battle as it is without the prejudice and stigma of adding another label onto it.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms I could an absolute yes to all of them except 'severe dissociative symptoms'. I do get paranoid though.

And I didn't think I did until my husband pointed it out. Well, I know I am but not as bad as he said I actually am. The chronic feelings of emptiness is me to a T. I could not believe it when I read that I thought it was just me! I have had that feeling for years.A lonely, empty pit in my stomach, which was much worse when my mum died and I take away the feeling by eating, Self harming, drinking, taking drugs, smoking or, as I did when I was younger, have a one night stand or even get into a relationship that was totally unsuitable for me just to be with someone.

I remember a few years ago, before my daughter was born, coming home drunk after a night out and my husband getting me upstairs to bed and all I kept saying was 'I want to go home' my husband said 'you are home' nut that's not what I meant. I wanted to be home in my heart. Being married didn't do it, having my daughter didn't do it, fundraising hasn't done it. The one and only thing that filled the void that I can remember is being with my lover but he was totally wrong for me and lied to me so many times and caused me a hell of a lot of anguish so why did he make me feel fulfilled? I have no idea. I thought he was the love of my life as we had history and we both felt the same way about each other but he couldn't deliver what I wanted and led me on a wild goose chase trying to get it. Telling me one thing and doing another. He completely screwed my heart,soul and mind up. Yet without him I felt empty again.

I do get into relationships quite quickly and 'fall in love' quickly and then am totally heartbroken when it ends and end up getting off my face or self harming. God knows why. I had my first session of hypnotherapy today and hopefully it will put some ghosts to rest. It bought a lot of things up and a couple of memories were pretty painful and I cried, which I didn't expect. I don't think there is anything buried there I don't know about. I'm sure there isn't. Who knows, maybe I'll find out. I hope so.