Kinesiology.

I have been suffering more and more with my stomach and last week was in agony; so much so I nearly went to hospital with suspected appendicitis.

I had been wanting to go to a kinesiologist for a while but finally decided to book an appointment a few weeks ago and get myself sorted. I know why I put it off as I feared what would come up in the testing.

Kinesiology

Kinesiology is in layman's term muscle testing to find what is affecting our bodies. There are several different arms of kinesiology. Practitioners can specialise in emotional, nutritional, muscular or classical or applied kinesiology which is all three. Applied kinesiology is what iI had done today.

Diane, the practitioner asked me my history, which gives an idea of what to look for then on the couch lying down she finds a muscle that is workable, in this case she used my arm. She asks the body questions of where to start by doing something with her fingers placed on my arm, I couldn't see what but my arm was weak at certain points as she could push it down easily.

Ileo-cecal valve.

There is a lot going on in my body so the session was an 'emergency' fix. The first thing that came up was my ileo-cecal valve (ICV) wasn't functioning properly. This is located in the lower right abdominal area half way between the hip and navel, it is the valve between the large and small bowel and stops the back up of waste into the small bowel. If the valve is malfunctioning, waste can back into the small intestine where it can get re-absorped and cause horrendous symptoms as you can imagine. I had been having terrible pains in my right lower stomach along with indigestion, bloating in my upper stomach, a feeling of being poisoned, regurgitation and irritable bowel. Diane told me that there is a close link to chronic fatigue syndrome and ileo-cecal valve problems and that she could help me with that. I cried!

I was so relieved that someone could help me with this problem. Diane carried out a few tests to find out what would help me with it which included her releasing the ICV by pressing on it and releasing it. It was painful! She carried out the same thing on the other side, which was less painful.

Self-management for ICV problems include:-

•  Drinking plenty of water throughout the day between meals. Up to 1/4 hour before eating and an hour after eating.
• Avoiding stimulants like coffee and alcohol.
• Avoid irritants such as spice foods like curries.
• Chewing properly to aid digestion. 
• Avoid too much roughage (bran/fibre) for a couple of weeks as it irritants the bowel.
• Take moderate exercise to stimulate the bowel.
• Take good pro-biotic such as one from bio-care, which is made of human strain bacteria.
• Avoid allergens such as gluten or dairy. You can easily see which one or both affect you by avoiding one at a time for a few days and noting the difference then reduce or avoid the other one completely. 
• The ICV is located in the right inguinal area. Massage this after eating and after a bowel movement.

The Houston Valve.

The Houston valve is located in the left inguinal region of the bowel and stops the large bowel emptying rapidly. Getting this valve to function correctly again is important to stop diarrhoea. 

Here is a video that shows how to get your large bowel valves working properly again.

Candida.

Candida (thrush) problems can also affect the ICV so Diane tested what would be helpful for candida, which is an overgrowth of thrush in the guts. It can lead to horrendous symptoms such as fatigue, aching of the muscles and joints, brain fog, indigestion and pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) amongst other things. I have always had a problem with candida but largely chose to ignore it but could no longer as my symptoms were too bad.

An anti-candida diet isn't for the faint hearted.  I love sugar (of course I do, I have candida) and drinking, or at least I did drink rather heavily but recently not so much. I'm known for my love of cake and booze! So this is going to be a hard one. I did the diet for a week before but I need to do t for a long time this time as I have leaky gut too. I'll talk about that later.

Basically on a anti-candida diet the best things to do are:-

• Eat fresh veg, preferably organic as having candida usually means your body is full of toxins form malabsorption.
• Eat good quality protein at each meals. Again preferably organic.
• Cut out sugary foods and drinks, yes that means alcohol.
• Cut out yeasty or fungal foods like mushrooms and vinegar. 
• Cut out gluten as the is an allergen which most candida sufferers are sensitive to. 
• Cut out processed foods.
• Drink plenty of water.
• Cut down on foods like potatoes as they act like sugars in the gut. 
• Cut down on diary as this can inflame the gut.
• Cut down on hydrogenated fats or out altogether. Especially fried foods.

Leaky gut

This causes the gut, as it suggests, to leak toxins into the blood stream and cause all sorts of problems. A lot of the problems are similar to candida. It can cause IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), PMS, allergies, skin problem, depression and chronic fatigue. 

Leaky gut, candida and ICV incompetence are all interlinked. I think mine started with gluten intolerance which caused leaky gut which in turn became colonised with candida. But that is just my point of view. 

Healing leaky gut is a long, slow process and requires dedication and perseverance. 

Supporting supplements.

Diane uses a combination of acupressure point stimulation, bach flower remedies, dietary changes, vitamins, minerals and herbal preparations to support your body whilst it recovers. 

Bach flower remedies.

She advised me to get two Bach flower remedies. Bach flower remedies were discovered by Dr  Edward Bach a Harley Street doctor who believed the mind plays a great role in illness so developed 38 remedies for each negative state of mind. 

My body responded to Olive, which is for complete mental and physical exhaustion. Pretty accurate description for the state of my body at the mo! 

This remedy show total exhaustion of mind and body after a great strain or nursing the sick.

LOWERED KIDNEY FUNCTION is seen and LOWERED OXYGEN LEVELS IN THE BLOOD as well as TOXIC INTESTINAL FLORA and ALCOHOLISM. The Olive state is always a call to humility, and a challenge to deal with one's vital energy as well. This remedy will help to deal with stress with stamina and joy. The remedy belongs to the group LACK OF INTEREST IN PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES along with CLEMATIS, HONEYSUCKLE, WILD ROSE, WHITE CHESTNUT, CHESTNUT BUD, and MUSTARD. There is weariness of mind, body, and emotions, and rest and recuperation are called for. Apathy can be present, one starts a task and doesn't finish it. Those in social services or suffering from prolonged illness.

I also responded to impatiens, which as the name suggests is to treat impatience. 

The personality is irritable, tense, and driven. There is loneliness like HEATHER and WATER VIOLET.

The state creates NERVOUS TENSION and CARDIOVASCULAR STRAIN. Inner tension mounts out of concern for others. NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. The individual is efficient with lots of skill and ability. They are leaders with short tempers, and are arrogant, intimidating and self centered. There is also a problem with impulse control and the remedy restores a balance of mind over emotions. A feeling of self mastery is achieved as with HOLLY and CHERRY PLUM AND VERVAIN. These individuals can experience HOT FLASHES, and are QUICK THINKING and NATURAL EXTROVERTS, and can suffer from SKIN RASHES.

I'm definitely impatient that's for certain and tense but driven I'm not sure about.

As for being 'arrogant, intimidating and self centred' I'm not sure I would say that about myself and I'm definitely not a leader. 

...is, as its name suggests, the remedy for impatience and the frustration and irritability that often go with it. Anyone can get into this state of mind, but there are also genuine Impatiens types, who live life at a rush and hate being held back by more methodical people. To avoid this irritation they prefer to work alone: the Impatiens boss is the one who sends staff home early so she can get the job finished quicker.

The remedy helps us be less hasty and more relaxed with others. It is also an ingredient in Dr Bach's original crisis formula, where it helps calm agitated thoughts and feelings.

Dr Bach's description 

Those who are quick in thought and action and who wish all things to be done without hesitation or delay. When ill they are anxious for a hasty recovery. They find it very difficult to be patient with people who are slow, as they consider it wrong and a waste of time, and they will endeavour to make such people quicker in all ways. They often prefer to work and think alone, so that they can do everything at their own speed.

I much prefer this description but I don't think I would have picked it out for myself. That's what is great about going to a kinesiologist, they can find what out what the body is craving for. 

We shall see if it helps with my irritability and impatience!

Herbal supplements.

For the herbal supplements my body responded to vitamin c and liquorice for adrenal fatigue. Licorice root extract is a good herb for mood lifting and yeast infections. It it instrumental in assisting the adrenals produce cortisol, which is the main function of the adrenals. Cortisol is the stress hormone and when the body experiences great, prolonged stress the production of cortisol is altered leading to adrenal fatigue. 

Vitamin C is needed by the adrenals when working overtime. As soon as the adrenals are called into action, vitamin C is rapidly used up.

Pomegranate is the third supplement shown by my body to be of benefit and it's action is to kill candida (thrush).

At the time of writing, I'm on day 3 of the diet and day 2 of the regime. I think it's too early to tell for the most part but I have noticed a change in is my bowel habits. I'm not not waking up and rushing to the bathroom and the pain in my stomach is much better. My mood has been really low today but I'm not sure if that's circumstantial as well. 

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 7.

The thing about chronic fatigue is it robs you of energy. Mixed with depression, you are robbed of energy and feeling good. If you are in a bad place with your mind and your body isn't willing to help your mind by distracting it with physical activity then it's a vicious circle.

I was working long days and nights mixed in, around looking after my daughter. I still didn't sleep after night shifts as the mood stabilisers rendered me unconscious sometimes and I was scared I wouldn't wake up in time to go and get my daughter and it would end up my ex finding out and using it against me, so I didn't take them. Whilst we were together, a couple of times I overslept and school would call me and I'd rush up there and get her form reception feeling terrible and apologising loads and my ex wouldn't bat an eyelid about it. But now that my ex was her named on her records I was bottom of the lists of contacts.

He had gone in to the school with the court order and changed the details of the first contact.With his gf as second contact. He had also told them about my suicide attempts and a couple times I had said I was going to fetch our daughter instead of her going to out of school club as she hated it. He had warned the school and they were on alert if I attempted to kidnap her. I was home and off work and I wasn't allowed to fetch her or they'd get the police involved.

I couldn't risk that as it wouldn't be fair on my daughter. No matter what I was, I wasn't a kidnapper. I was irrational and over emotional but I wasn't about to break the law. Plus she'd get so confused about days I was getting her if it wasn't a set day. One time she wanted to walk a little way home on her own with her friends so I waited halfway with the other mums and she forgot about it and she need up wandering around the playground not sure where she should be. She ended up going to out of school club and school called first my ex then his gf then my ex called me.

I was driving around the neighbourhood trying to find her and was panicking. I rang school and they said 'we've called her mum but she's in a meeting'. I was furious. This is what happens when you have a mental health problem and work shifts. You get shut out of your child's life. My ex called me and said not to worry as his gf was on her way to get her. You can guess what I said to him. I drove to the club and was made to stand on the doorstep so they could ring my ex to make sure I was allowed to pick her up. They had been alerted also that I was 'mentally unstable'. The thing was I was the one who enrolled her in the club and spent half a day there with her and now I was the baddy.

It was amazing in a few months I had gone from her main carer to being hardly involved in her life. There was no middle ground. I was now the estranged dad of the family. It was like my ex had been taken over by aliens. He had never been a bad father but now he was father of the year. The ex friend who slated me before had said that the group of friends we had been part of had always said that our daughter should be with my ex as he was a far better parent.

The thing was in public he appeared to be a great dad but in private he was back to normal. I did everything. Whilst we were out in public he would focus his attention on looking after our daughter so he wouldn't have to talk to the adults. He'd already admitted he felt intimidated with my friends. He would even change nappies when she was younger and feed her. I took the opportunity to have time off from being solely responsible for her. It came back to bite me in the ass.

It felt like grief. I was in denial and angry. I didn't like some other woman and my ex telling me what was good for my daughter and what to do with her and when. It was a constant barrage of texts and arguments. My relationship with my daughter had also changed, she had become very awkward and hostile towards me and had started bad mouthing me to my ex and his gf. It is common when children go to live with their other parent. But it was still hard to cope with.

Things escalated when they decided to send he to the school close to my ex's go's house. That meant leaving all her friends behind and all I got off my daughter was tears and tantrums over it. I was scared about her going to high school anyway. Every time I picked her up she would cry about having to leave her friends. I argued with my brother and my sister in law over it as well as my ex and unbeknownst to me my brother was colluding behind my back with my brother.

When I had taken the OD my ex had alerted my brother to 'look out' for me. The last person I wanted to know what was going on was my brother. He was opinionated, judgemental and arrogant at the best of times. He reckoned he was concerned about me. But my brother and sister in law just aren't those kind of people. I didn't trust them as far as I could throw them and they went on to prove that in style later on.

I had found a little bit of peace inside me and finding some energy from somewhere I managed to work extra shifts as I was living alone and had all the bills to pay. My daughters move to high school went without too much drama and I started talking again o a guy I had been speaking to briefly a few months earlier.  I tried to keep him at arms length as I wasn't interested in a relationship at that moment. He persisted and we got to talking about things. He was a good listener. But still I kept him at arms length.

It took him a while to persuade me he wasn't the same as other guys. I could see that. I had asked for someone kind, considerate, caring, compassionate and understanding and here he was. I trusted him. And finally had someone on my side to see the shit I put up with everyday.

He became my other half (OH). I introduced him to my brother in December and immediately he didn't like his attitude. My brother was being his rude obnoxious self. We had a falling out in the summer over my daughter and which school she was going to and not attending my nephews birthday party and we got back in touch just before my niece was born but it had been awkward. That day he was showing his true colours and my OH wasn't impressed.

They have never been my kind of people. I'm still not sure how you would describe them either. I've always been a bit of hippy and not bothered with fancy clothes or fancy or labels or expensive stuff. My brother and sister in law have always been about what they have got and outdoing their mates. My brother had always been a bit of a bully towards me and on many occasion told me how to live my life and how to what and what to spend my money on etc. He hurt me quite frequently with things used to say to me. But I loved him so most of the time I let it churn me up inside but never said anything.

I think my brother knew that my OH wasn't going to stand any bull. Then came another blow.

I texted my sister in law to ask her what they were doing that weekend and I got a vey long text back in return. I knew something wasn't right. The gist of the text was that my brother and sister in law had bumped into my ex and his gf in town one day and got chatting and found they liked each other and as my daughter was going to be at my ex's most of the time they were going to forge a relationship with them so that they could see my daughter more. They were big on family.

I was of course very upset as they could see my daughter when she was with me and besides my daughter really wasn't bothered about them. When my ex and I were together we had gone to solicitor and nominated who should have her should anything happen to both of us. We didn't nominate my brother and sister in law that was for sure. He talked to her like crap most of the time. And neither I nor my ex ever stood up to him for speaking to her that way.

It did me a favour really, my oppressive brother was finally out of my life. The downside was I wouldn't see my niece and nephew again. They have since started to go on holidays together which I have come to accept is good for my daughter.

My ex had taken me to CSA (child support agency) late 2013 and quite frankly left me in the shit. But I also had no energy to work extra hours at that time. I had managed to work extra for a couple of months but the energy soon ran out and I was back to scraping myself through the days and just getting by. I tried to call it off with my OH as I wouldn't be able to afford to do anything with him or contribute to anything. But he wouldn't have it. I swear, although was a few issues with jealousy on his part, that if it wasn't for him I don't think I would have made it this far.

There were times when our relationship was difficult and I was down from all the shite I was getting on my ex and his gf and exhausted from work and his jealousy would just tip me over the edge and I would feel suicidal again. It just seemed I couldn't get any peace anywhere so for a while it was difficult. I went off sick from work again as I could barely get out of bed with exhaustion. It was't fantastic for him either having a new partner who was so poorly.

But we stuck at it and he worked through his jealousy and I got my strength back. Then came my divorce papers!!

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 4.

May contain triggers for you. Stay safe.

There is a tree in the middle of a field where I used to walk my dog. That tree was my comfort blanket. I imagined myself hanging from it. Not the putting of the rope around the branch or the physical act of looping it around my neck or how horrid it would feel to die. Just the peace I felt seeing the figure limp and lifeless, hanging there. At peace at last.

Morbid? yes, weird? maybe? Why was it a comfort? Because it meant that if the figure was me I would be free from all these terrible feelings and free of the conflict my brain was constantly throwing at me. The guilt was like a lead weight suffocating me. Why did I feel this way?

Personally I think I had done more than my body could take and the fatigue precipitated the depression. I was exhausted but I was also depressed. I've seen the same pattern over and over again. I get exhausted and then really depressed. I can be tired and start getting depressed but then I get exhausted and become much more depressed. It's not the normal kind of tiredness, it's not relieved by sleep and I could sleep for hours and hours and still feel dreadful.

I was on antidepressants and was still under the mother and baby psychiatrist but still felt my mood wasn't improving with the drugs so my psych changed it. I stayed on citalopram for a while then was discharged from the mother and baby psychiatrist when my daughter was a year old, which was the normal thing. I had appointments every 3 months to keep a close eye on me but every time I went, I saw a new face and had to repeat everything again. After the 3rd visit I lost all faith in the psychiatric system again as the doctor I was with kept nodding off on me. I answered his questions with 'yes/no' answers juts to get to over with and get out of there. It felt like a farce. It felt like no one was listening anymore.

I just pretended everything was ok but it wasn't. I went to my GP and asked to swapped to a drug I had briefly tried before. He refused and said I needed to change my life style. I told him I was trying and had done what I could but still felt suicidal. He asked me with what I thought at the time was a very a patronising tone, why I hadn't killed myself yet. I was getting very upset and angry and aware I was shouting, I have a loud voice anyway so it doesn't take much for me to sound louder. I screamed at him though gritted teeth 'because I have a child'. He was still not going to change my tablets so I stormed out the surgery and headed home. I bloody mindedly cancelled my psychiatric appointments knowing to get one again may result in me having to go on the waiting list again and decided I would do it all alone and come off my pills altogether.

It wasn't long before I was struggling again so decided to contact the MIND advocacy people to have a representative come with me to talk to the GP. I felt that being on my own they could say anything and be unhelpful and I was very vulnerable. Having someone with me had always proved beneficial in the past. My husband wouldn't come with me and I didn't have anyone I could ask to go with me. These people are trained for these situations so knew it was the right thing to do. I was determined to go back to the GP and face up to him and get him to help me. By the time I got an appointment again, that GP had left so got a locus instead. He could not have been a nicer person. He was understanding, helpful and caring. He rang my psychiatrist there and then and spoke to him. By that time legislation had changed and GP's could no longer prescribe certain drugs, only psychiatrists could.

I went back to see my psychiatrist and this time actual saw the consultant. He was ok with me after he told me I should never take my medication into my own hands and my treatment needed close supervision! Anyway after discussion he agreed with me to go back on the meds I had been on a while back, Venlafaxine. I was on a really small dose as I found the side effects to be horrid.

I found it very hard to function, although I did my best for my daughter. She was never neglected, but I only had the energy for her and my gran and that was about it. I was also having dreadful trouble with my stomach. The doctors said it was IBS and gave me a shed load of pills to help with it. It kept me up at night in agony and I felt like I had been poisoned a lot of the time. I was really sensitive to a lot of foods and was experimenting with cutting things out, avoiding dairy, stuff like that. I didn't drink a lot at the time either.

I couldn't face the possibility of going back to work and as the weeks rolled by I still had trouble coming to terms with going back. I just had about enough energy to do the basics. I was having acupuncture again and eating better and slowly the depression and suicidal thoughts subsided but I still couldn't stand the thought of going back to work. It was the momentum I didn't think I could stand and I wasn't good at pacing myself. Luckily, my husband was earning good money so I asked him if I could give up or until I was fully better. I know I berated him for not helping me out but I was and am grateful he allowed me to give up work.

I say 'allowed' because I couldn't just give up  work without his say so. We could manage financially but it would mean he would be responsible for all the bills etc. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have struggled with the concept.

With nothing else to cloud my recovery I embarked on looking after my daughter and my granny and granddad and living a very simple life. A easier life. I began to get my energy back and feel more positive. I took 8 months off work altogether and began thinking about getting another job. Very part time hours only. I ended up asking my ex manager if I could get a job back in the place I worked when my daughter had been born. I got one night a week. The manager was ok with us doing fixed nights but not fixed days. I thought one night a week would be fine. I had to do it at the weekend so we wouldn't have to pay for childcare so my husband could spend some quality time with our daughter also.

He was doing the house up at the time so spent most weekends doing DIY therefore he never got to spend quality time with her. It was a good opportunity for them both. The only thing was he would spend her the time with her going to DIY stores! Gradually I got back into the swing of things and started working 2 nights a week but it was hard work. I'd try to sleep the day of my night shift for an hour or 2 before I got my daughter from school then go to work and hardly sleep the next day as I found it hard to do that. I'd probably get 2-3 hours max in the day then pick her up from school. Some days I was so desperate to get back to sleep that as soon as my husband walked in the door I would go to bed. Then the next day I'd do the same again as I had another night shift to do.

My husband continued to not have much interest in being a father to our daughter and I was solely responsible for her. 24/7. I found this very difficult being so tired after a night shift and dragging myself to get her from school after 3 hours sleep at most. I was in a constant fog of tiredness and lack of sleep followed by insomnia. It wasn't pleasant.

I carried on this way for a couple of years. I'd always known when I had gotten married that life would be the same day in and day out with not much to look forward to in the way of holidays and I could predict the future totally. A few breaks away camping, myself and my daughter and trips to see friends broke up the monotony. Nothing changed. I craved excitement. Mostly I was doing ok and could manage with a few short lived blips in between but with a nagging sense of boredom.

Our daughter was nearly 4 by then and I'd started to entertain myself to relieve the boredom by fantasising that a guy would come and sweep me off my feet and rescue me from the mundanity. Writing this now I can see it's ridiculous. I was very unhappy with my husband and should have just found somewhere to live and leave him. Messing about on Facebook I came across a guy I used to know from school and messaged him.

Messages passed back and forth for a while, mainly about life and what we had been up to. Then he started asking if we could meet. And although the thought was exciting I was nervous. I didn't even consider my husbands feelings as I thought I had nagged and begged long enough for some help, even just go in work a little later so I could get straight to bed and get an extra hours sleep but it never happened. I switched off my capacity to care about what he thought. I know now it was wrong.

We were getting closer to meeting all the time and when we'd finally arranged on a date I had cold feet. I remember coming back from the school run one morning and ringing him saying I couldn't do it as he had so much to lose from seeing me. I didn't think I had anything to lose. I was my daughters total carer so my daughter would always stay with me. Fathers don't generally get custody of their children and become part time. How naive I was.

He persuaded me to see him and I agreed. I lied about where I was going but my husband knew I was up to something. After the first night we spent together I knew then I would leave my marriage. I thought we would be together as we were meant to be. I was on cloud nine. I felt more alive than I had done for a long time.

But this was the start, as I'm sure you can imagine, of incredible heart ache and pain for us all.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder.Part 3.

Contains candid content that may trigger. Be careful.

I'd never lived with a partner before. Only my dad and my brother and mum of course.

I'd sort of got idea that although a woman worked she was expected to do all the house work etc as well. I had grown up in a traditional sort of family with my Gran staying at home and doing all the 'caring' whilst my Granddad provided and hunter gathered. It was a great childhood. But in order for us to live in the house we had in the village we did my mum had to get a job. My dad worked nights and my mum worked early mornings. She got fed up of doing all the chores so asked my dad to do the pots when he came in from work. It was horrendous. He'd get in at 7 is and the noise from him losing his temper was awful. My mum suffered from extreme tiredness and thinking about it the house was always very clean and tidy. Clothes were always washed and put away yet she never got any thanks for it. And I was starting to see where she had been coming form.

My energy levels had never been fantastic but when my HTB (husband to be) and I moved in together the amount of work I was doing started taking their toll. I kept thinking hopefully he'd start to lift a finger and help me with the house work or see that things needed doing. But alas it was not to be. My brother had the same attitude when he had briefly lived with me and now it seemed so did my HTB.

It didn't matter if I worked nights or days or many shifts on the trot. It was still me who did the majority of the chores. We both worked full time but he would be out the house longer. The only time he did the housework was when I was at work and he was off, as he had nothing better to do.
Alarm bells were ringing as this was not what I'd hoped for from a partner. I hoped he could see I was struggling and pull his finger out a bit more after all he didn't suffer from energy problems at all.

I carried on thinking he'd change and see how I needed his help and got on with wedding plans. I again did everything, drove everything. My HTB was younger than I was and maybe a bit naive but still I'd been independent since I was a teenager and he had gone to live in a shared house with friends as a teenager but I guess he acted like a lot of male students and didn't think cleaning etc was his job or even care about it. Who knows. I worked shifts so although I was out the house the same time as working regular hours I was in at times when most people would still be at work. So therefore I guess it was seen as my duty if I was there I would do it. And I couldn't ignore it.

Time passed and depressive episodes came and went, so did hypomanic episodes where I would work all hours just to keep out the house. I remember wishing I was like one of these people who were work-alcoholics and dedicated their lives to work. But I couldn't sustain it. I soon became ill again with fatigue then depression. I'd take a couple of weeks off work then bounce back. I changed my job as I thought I wanted more recognition, money, whatever it was I thought I wanted. But I couldn't sustain the job and hated it so went back to my old job. I was trying to fill a hole in my being I had had for years. Getting married didn't help it as my husband didn't help me or support me emotionally. My job never fulfilled me.

My life was a constant round of working loads then getting ill and spending loads to make myself feel better, so then I'd be in debt so then I'd have to work harder to pay it off but then I couldn't sustain the work patterns because of my mood and/or fatigue. I'm sure I was very difficult to live with.

My now husband decided he didn't want a child after all even though we had discussed it before the wedding and agreed we'd have kids. I don't think he wanted the responsibility or to share me with anyone or anything. He had already displayed his none comital and indifference with animals despite having grown up with them. He rarely showed emotion about anything and I just thought things just didn't float his boat as I was very excited or passionate about a lot of things. I didn't even consider my mental health problems when considering pregnancy or being a mother. I was just searching for something to fill the void. I thought being a mother would somehow complete me.

We agreed that if we used some money I had gotten back from a policy that we would use it to travel and then try for a baby later that year. Which is what we did. I know bringing a child into that relationship wasn't a good idea but the thought of starting all over again at 30 didn't seem like a good option. Baring in mind the trouble I'd had with even finding a relationship, I thought, to have the relationship I had and especially being married was what I needed to keep at. Having a baby was the next step.

I was very sick during my pregnancy and have recently been reminded how horrendous I was to be around when I was pregnant. I felt dreadful. I had terrible IBS and sickness and lots of aches and pains. It was like having PMS and a hangover for months. I got some relief when I was about 15 weeks pregnant. It turned out I wasn't going to my full maternity pay either as my daughter was due 3 days before the cut off point to receive maternity pay. It meant I was only going to get 6 weeks maternity pay. Some people might have just been able to get on with this but I was feeling physically ill and now upset over the prospect of not being able to be off with my baby.

So I worked overtime to save money towards being off. I drove myself into the ground. I felt so ill that I had no energy to even lift my arms to wash my hair. I had to beg my husband to do it for me. I had no energy at all. I felt sick all the time, had terrible indigestion and everything hurt. I began to be very depressed. I worked long days back to back and carried on doing all the other stuff as much as I could. I didn't sleep well which added to the fatigue and was very tearful. I eventually went to the doctors as I felt very low. Suicidal even. I hadn't been suicidal before as such but now I had the urge to make it all stop but didn't have a plan on how to end it and I felt so guilty feeling that way whilst I was pregnant as well.

The GP referred me to a psychiatrist. I was so ill I went along as I was at the end of my tether. I remember thinking I hoped it wasn't a man due to my last encounter with a male one. She asked why I hadn't been to a psychiatrist for years so I told her what Dr Clayton had done. She made a note of it and although I wasn't in a good place I asked about reporting him. She said I could if I wanted to but it was up to me. She didn't report it herself but luckily that has changed in the system and she would have had a duty to report it. I was in no fit state to report it and could only focus on the here and now. Take each day at a time.

She put me back on prozac but I couldn't take it due to acid and started vomiting blood. We agreed I would go on it the moment I gave birth. I was off sick at work at this point and could not wait to give birth and get my body back. Looking back I probably had chronic fatigue then but it wasn't recognised. I didn't discuss any of my problems with my family as they would not have understood. Only close friends and colleagues knew. I was bitter and angry about not getting my maternity, about my husband not taking care of me, about a friend not being there for me when I had been there for her in the past. I was naive and ungrateful.

I decided to help myself also and opted to get acupuncture. I had tried it before but never had a course of treatment as such. I was willing to try anything and after researching it I opted to go back and see if it could help me. I began a course of treatment and began a great friendship with a wonderful person who went on to save me from myself on many occasions. It truly lifted me out of the sink hole I was in and got me to much better place I needed to be in.

In the mean time I took things into my own hands and booked to see an acupuncturist. I'd briefly dabbled in acupuncture before but this time I was holding out hope it would help me get out of this out I was in. 

I had a lot of treatments pre and post birth and honestly it saved my life. Whether it was the actual practitioner or the acupunture or a combination but it worked. Where 'conventional' medicine failed to treat me, the acupuncture therapy saved me. Literally from the edge. I went on to have it over the years over and over and still do to this day.

I was always a really negative person and now I realise the error of my ways but also I should not have entered into a relationship let alone had a child with someone who wasn't what I wanted. I settled for someone who adored me but I did not adore them. I should have ended it before it had gotten too serious. Undoing a marriage and a life together is very hard.

Our daughter was finally born and immediately I felt better. Euphoric almost. I was really happy to not have all the physical symptoms and so grateful for this baby. I felt invincible. I loved everything and everyone. I focused on routine and looking after my baby, walked the dog and had a very simple life with very little pressure. One of the loveliest times of my life.

My daughter started having problems with feeding and began vomiting a lot and constantly screaming. I was breast feeding and she couldn't keep my milk down and after 3 months I had to resort to formula but still she screamed and screamed. She wouldn't sleep and arguments started between my husband and I about who should get up with her. I'd be pacing around the house with her at all hours. Watching hours of rubbish tv. Thank goodness they had 24 hour tv then. I couldn't sleep either and our sleeping patterns would clash so generally I was very grumpy and tired a lot of the time. It was hard work. I wasn't depressed just going through being a new mum.

I managed to go back to work 3 days a week, which was about all I could cope with but I'd had to give up the comfort of contract as I couldn't work late due to my husbands working hours. It meant I wasn't going to get paid holiday and being on the bank meant if someone else put their name down for the shift I was supposed to be working I would be bumped. There was no security so I looked for another job. I got one in the community and embarked on working 3 long days a week. It was a 9-5 job but to beat traffic I left early and came home last thing after picking up my daughter from nursery. They were long days. I'd also gone on a diet to lose the weight I'd gained in pregnancy.
I was determined to be as efficient and as effective as I could as the job wasn't permanent. I started studying again too. It was a recipe for disaster.

I started to be even more exhausted and had to run my Granny around on my days off as my granddad had gone into hospital after a fall. My daughter was walking so time spent on the ward with my granddad was spent running around after her and trying to keep her occupied. The nurses asked if I could leave her with anyone whilst we visited. I couldn't, there was just me, my granny and my husband as her carers. My husband was at work and I was with my granny. I didn't want to put her in child care full time so I just had to deal with it.

By the time the weekends rolled around I was ready for a rest but then on Saturdays I was faced with cleaning the house. The pots had mounted up, there was no lie in and there was all the chores to do. And no one to help me and I was exhausted. My husband would be either having a lie in or doing his own thing. I can't really remember. I just remember feeling annoyed that he wasn't helping me. I remember nagging a lot too. It does't work. I read once that in order to get a partner you lived with to do tasks that needing doing, you needed to leave a list for them and ask them to do it. I'm not a great believer in this but it might work for you. I believe that as an adult you should be able to see what needs doing and do it to help your loved out. I'm no psychologist so don't know how mens brains work but I know they are capable of doing these things without nagging or asking or lists. I know this is normal life for a lot of people but I didn't have the energy to cope with it.

I had to look after my grannies 120 foot garden too and although she had a small front garden she had a privet hedge. That hedge was the bane of my life. I'd spend hours cleaning out her house as well as she was a bit of a hoarder and trying to grow my own veg in her garden like my granddad used to. I had phases where I was this go getting dressed up heeled professional then going to basics and wearing wellies everyday and pyjamas most of the day and going back to nature where all I could cope with was walking the dog or going for long bike rides with my dog and daughter (I had a trailer).

I guess I struggled with my identity a lot. I was friends with go getters who all ended up in high powered jobs and used to ask why I hadn't done the same. My brother wanted to know why I didn't work full time and when our daughter started school my husband thought the same. I simply couldn't do it all.

I remember begging my husband to help me with my grannies garden one weekend but he refused and went off to do his own thing. He wasn't very sociable and admitted to being intimidated by my friends that were older than him. He wouldn't visit my brother and his wife with me or my friends and we hardly ever went on holiday together. The irony was when my Granny died and we were seperated that my husband wanted to attend her funeral. My brother told me to give him a break and let him go. I didn't see the point of paying respects to a person he didn't give a shit about when she was alive.

I'd put a lot of work into my job and when we got the go ahead that the work I had done would mean the the project would continue. That's when I collapsed. I couldn't envisage keeping up the pace I had been and working harder than I already had. I was stressed to the max and tired beyond words and just wanted to be at home with my daughter.

I went off sick from my job and forced myself to finish a diploma. But then I gave in and took to my bed, around having my daughter. I relished the days when my husband had a day off work so I could go back to bed. But I started to feel vey suicidal. I thought about suicide all the time. I envisaged what I do and how I would do it. And the feelings lasted for weeks.

Things have moved on.

February 2015.
I've learned a lot in the last few months and things have taken a different direction for me. We are moving to the States next month for one thing. My partner got offered a job over there with his company. At the time he put the suggestion to me I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to live in the States or at least travel around the States. I was also at a point where I was sick of the falling out and just wanted to run away. I've always been like that. I just want to run away when things get too much.

Things were still pretty messy last summer, my relationship with my daughter wasn't the greatest. We butted heads most of the time. She has always managed to wrap me round her little finger and I give in too easily. She is a mobile 'phone and screen addict and if she's not looking at 1,2 or 3 screens she's 'bored'. I had very little energy to do anything so to wrestle the screens off her and try and get her to interact or do something with us was painful so I just didn't bother now she has no choice. And if she whinges (she seems to know when I'm flagging because the whinging gets more intense!) I ignore it or punish her for it. Seems easy solution eh? But I get dragged right back to my childhood and I think of me in her shoes and I feel sorry for her or bad. But being lenient doesn't do us any favours. And no that I have more energy I can stick to my guns.

I was also butting heads rather a lot with my ex and his girlfriend and just wanted to be away from it all. The divorce had started and the ex wanted ALL the profits from the house.So a fight ensued and basically yet again I had to admit defeat and give in or risk losing half my pension. I had to do what I could live with. And since practicing gratitude I can be grateful with what I've got rather than what I have lost.

This leads me on to the victim thing. I have learned over the last few months that I was a victim, I made myself a victim. I no longer chose to be a victim. Yes, sometimes things are hard to deal with but I can chose to lay down and weep or make the best of the situation and find a positive.

Positivity is not something I have done very well, the glass is always half full but you know what? Who gets anything from being so negative? Do good things happen to negative people? No, they don't.
Plus, I don't want to play being a victim anymore as it just attracts more drama. Instead now I practice gratitude. Mainly because of the book . There are many of these types of books out there but this one seems to sit right with me. I practice gratitude in everything I do and I seem to be much better for it. My wonderful partner is also a very positive person and he inspires me to see the positive in everything. No matter what the situation. He could have written The Secret to be honest! I guess living all the time with this kind of person eventually rubs off.

I have trouble making my mind up about how I see the world. There is always two sides to every argument, mostly, and I have trouble putting my faith in one side or the other. I can never totally subscribe to something because they/it will always do something to let me down and disappoint me. For example, I went to Buddhist meditation when I was really ill once and was hoping it would have the answers I needed. Only to listen to a teaching that went on to talk about depression as a punishment for something one did in their past life. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for that! Not in the here and now! Plus , one of the monks was wearing leather sandals and using a mobile 'phone. If I subscribe to something it has to wholeheartedly. No half measure. So I have just cherry picked most things and created my own 'religion' in some respects. But my thinking get challenged every day and just when I think I've gotten a handle on something, an idea or inspiration comes flying out of nowhere and boom, thinking altered once again.


Regarding my last post and antidepressants; I am off them totally now and only take my mood stabiliser for sleep as I love it makes me sleep! Insomnia is my sworn enemy. It was ok having insomnia before because I would just sleep when I could but now I don't want to be ruining my day having to go for a sleep then being awake half the night.

So I ask myself the question, if I can be off antidepressants now and haven't felt depressed except for the very odd occasion, why was I on them for years? To be perfectly honest I think it was the situation I was in. That's a whole different post. Plus I've had it mentioned more than once that I have probably got chronic fatigue syndrome and depression is a subcategory to this rather than depression first then fatigue. I know I can feel feel fatigue and not depression, that's for sure.

I did manage, with the help of my partner, to change my job and work agency so I could at least pick my own shifts but the long hours still took their toll. Fortunately, not for much longer.
However, I haven't kept up the acupuncture. Many reasons really but mostly financial as last year finances were a bit tough. As soon as some money came in, it went out again. But now I look at finances in a totally different way too. I don't chase money instead I practice feeling that I will get what I need and give money gratefully. For example; when I give my ex money for our daughter, I no longer begrudge it but give it with love. It takes some time to get the hang of but it really works.