An A to Z guide to coping with Christmas when suffering with anxiety and depression.

This time of year can be challenging for most people but for those with a propensity to being more sensitive than others it can be very difficult.  Love it or hate it, it’s everywhere you look and on everything you listen to. It’s unavoidable unless you can escape to a place with no internet, tv or radio so I have compiled a list of coping strategies to help get you through the holiday time.

Acceptance.

It’s here, it’s unavoidable and it’s in your face. Sometimes the path of least resistance is the easiest option. If we fight something it can often make it worse than ‘going with it’. There’s a myriad of emotions attached to this time of year which can make it exceptionally hard to deal with so burdening ourselves with fighting the ‘christmas cheer’ can lead to further feelings of depression and anxiety.

As the saying goes 'resistance is futile’. If christmas cheer or adverts wind you up then take a step back and ask ‘why’? Is that others appear happy? is it that you feel jealous? Learn to deal with these feelings and explore why you feel this way rather than ignoring them and hoping they will go away.

Accept that it’s a part of life for this time of year and you are halfway there to getting through it.

Bravery.

It takes a heck of a lot of courage and determination to make it through one day at a time when feeling depressed or anxious or both. We are brave, courageous beings in that we get ourselves through each minute, hour or day and are still alive and breathing. That take a lot of power to be able to do. Be proud of yourself. 

Care.

Be consistent with how you are caring for yourself over this time. Ensure time for yourself when needed. It can be overwhelming. Sleep when you can and even cancel plans if you feel you need timeout. But try not to hide away either. Sometimes when you feel you cannot possibly be bothered with doing a social event then you might surprise yourself and actually enjoy the event. Beware of comedown though and learn how to cope with suddenly finding yourself alone after having a good time. Self care is extremely important.

Digestion.

The digestive system can be extremely sensitive to upset and emotionally changes. This time of year it can be overworked with sugary products, alcohol and large amounts of food; foods that can also trigger digestive problems. Studies are showing a direct correlation between gut inflammation and depression and anxiety. Gut inflammation  can be responsible for pain, irritable bowel, indigestion and many other symptoms including feelings of anxiety and depression. It won’t hurt to take a good quality probiotic during this time if you are overindulging. They don't have to be expensive but make sure they aren’t cheap ones off the supermarket shelf. Getting one from a health food shop is probably best but don’t be persuaded to part with lots of money for one. There’s no need. Pro-30 Max by Natures Aid is a good one to try but if the strength is too much then take one with less bacteria in. Take it first thing on rising when acid is low in the stomach and not with a hot drink as this can kill the bacteria in the capsule.

Exercise.

Groan…….exercising can be a difficult one to achieve. It’s particularly difficult when feeling depressed or anxious in my experience. Getting out can be anxiety provoking and being depressed can lead to lack of motivation and energy. However, if the adverts or constant references to christmas on the TV or radio are getting on your nerves a good walk can clear your head. Or if a walk isn’t your thing, how about a swim? It doesn't have to be tens of lengths, a few will do. I have yet to discover that exercise releases endorphins and I have participated in many strenuous exercising regimes but I know a good walk sometimes is all that’s needed to blow some cobwebs away.

Forgiveness.

Forgive yourself! You’re doing great. Stop chastising yourself for things you think you are guilty of. If you cannot find the strength or energy to do something which you think needs doing or you should be doing then stop. You are important too and if the thing you think should be done doesn't get done then so what? Not everything has to be perfect it just has to be done to the best of your ability. 

Gratitude.

We live in a society where it is thrust upon on us most days how much people have. Fancy cars, big houses or money for example but how many of us say thanks for the basics in life such as a roof over our heads or that we have had a few hours sleep, as apposed to none? Do we wake up and be thankful we had a bed to sleep in at all or focus on the fact that it’s cold and dark when we get up? It’s a habit I think a lot of us have gotten into.

I was out walking some dogs the other day and was tired and felt heavy, wanting to be home with my feet up when I saw a young man in a wheel chair and instantly felt guilty that I had been feeling sorry myself. I’m fortunate enough not to have to rely on a wheel chair to get about and should be thankful for the legs that carry me about and allow me to do the job I do with ease. I’m sure the guy in the wheel chair is probably far more grateful for things than I am! It takes work to practice it but you can master it. Just look at how good you are at making negative thoughts really important!

Help.

Ask for it if you think you need it. Ask friends and family to help out if you feel things are getting too much for you. Yes, it’s busy time of year for some but for others it may not be and they may be willing to help out with whatever it is you need, even if it’s just wrapping presents or doing a shop. If you don’t ask then people won’t know you need help but I know only too well that I don’t ask for fear of rejection. This is tough one and another thing to conquer. Maybe ask acharity that is designed to help those with mental health problems? That’s what they are there for. Whether it’s advice, someone to talk to or practical help (within reason).

Insomnia.

Wanting to sleep and being unable is a bitch. It can send even the most stable person insane. It’s very underestimated. Not only are you depressed being awake during the day or want some respite from being anxious all the time then our bodies then decide to keep us awake all night or from the early hours. I still suffer a little from early morning waking and disturbed sleep but it’s manageable. But I remember the days of being awake at silly o’clock until the early hours and managing about 3 hours at a time. It was torture. You’ll probably be finding concentration difficult as well and extremely frustrated. If you are fortunate enough to have access to on demand films or tv then storing up programmes could be an option or a new series on netflix? It’ll be hard enough avoiding christmas movies and re runs at this time of year as it is. Or maybe try and read something? Or even start a blog? Blue light doesn’t help sleep, which is omitted from TV’s and kindle devices but in my experience I fall asleep watching a film rather than lying trying to sleep tossing and turning.

Have some sleep aids in stock too such as nytol. They do chemical and herbal versions for short term relief so always worth a try especially if you just want to sleep and try and forget as much of this time of year as possible and try and avoid it all together.

Joy.

There’s a lot of pressure to feel joy at christmas time but if we aren’t feeling it, then we aren’t feeling it. It can’t be forced. So don’t try to. Be aware of your emotions and examine how you feel and reflect on it but never try to force it. Using the technique to not encourage the bad thoughts and feelings and practice letting in the good thoughts and feelings. If you do feel joy however brief embrace it wholeheartedly.

Kindness. 

Give and receive it. I have to practice this most days as I can be grumpy but no-one deserves that. Receiving can be equally hard at times but accept it when it’s given. The world would be a much better place with more kindness in it.

Loneliness.

We feel loneliness if we are not content within ourselves. Christmas highlights being on your own 100% whether it is because a spouse has died or a relationship breakdown or family live far away; it feels more acute at this time of year. I was fortunate to be in a job where I could work Christmas to avoid people I didn't want to see but also avoid being alone. This may not be possible for many people. If I were to find myself alone at Christmas now I would be tempted to occupy myself somehow probably by volunteering for the homeless or an animal charity on christmas and boxing day. 

There is no antidote to loneliness only distraction and working towards loving oneself. Some activities can highlight it and some quash it. It may well be outside your comfort zone to volunteer but there are so many deserving charities out there that desperately need help this time of year. See also ‘people’.

Motivation.

I don’t know about you but this is something I seriously lack any time of year let alone when I’m up against a time scale. What do I do to counteract this? I pace myself. I start early and do things at quiet times when I can. A little bit, often. Not always possible I know. There is nothing more off putting than shopping at the very last minute to put a wet blanket over any motivation you have managed to summons up. No rushing allowed! No last minute dashing about. 

No.

One word and learn how to say it. Without explanation. There’s no need to elaborate. That’s no one else business but yours.

Overkill.

The holiday time might span for a couple of weeks but really it’s only a couple of days and it can be a huge let down and comedown once it’s over. That’s why it’s important not to go overboard. Getting into debt and stressing yourself out for what? Two days. It really isn’t worth it. Like I have said in other points, it really is not worth it to stress yourself out so much and spend money you don’t have to appear to have the ‘perfect’ time. Do what you feel capable of and don’t push yourself to destruction.

People.

Being around people is forced upon us at this time of year just because it’s this time of the year. And people can be really bloody irritating. Being with the ones we want to is an option and if we can’t then don’t settle for just anyone but if being alone and lonely is not the best option then chose as wisely as possible. 

Avoid crowds at the shops. People scrabbling for a bargain can be a real pain in the arse. If you are already feeling tired and irritable or depressed and anxious this will be exacerbated. 

However, people can be uplifting and a great source of comfort. Just having a chat in the street with a neighbour can help lift our spirits. Even if we feel we want to avoid people sometimes an exchange with another person can lift us out the funk we might be stuck in.

Quiet time.

As with self care take some time out for yourself and have some quiet time. Be it a walk or off to bed for an hour if it all gets too much or overwhelming. People with depression and anxiety are much more sensitive to their surroundings, environment and energy. Know when you are reaching your limit and take time out before it gets too much for you.

Relatives

Whether it be having to see those we don’t want to or missing those that are not with us any longer or not being able to be with those we love. And even the death of a much loved pet.

It’s painful to miss those we no longer have in our lives for whatever reason. My mother died over 20 years ago and I still miss her. But time does make it easier. Old and boring cliche. But the truth. A first christmas without someone special can be atrocious so again the best thing to do is distraction until it’s all over by any means possible except drugs and alcohol! The come down from either makes the pain ever more acute and it’s just not worth it. It’s going to be hard, there’s no two ways about it. Keep going through the day every minute or hour at a time. Whatever it takes to get you through. 

Here are some great tips for coping with grief and loss at any time.

If it’s having to see relatives you really don’t want to then simply- don’t do it. It’s your time to do with what you wish. Don’t feel guilty. If you want to stay home with a partner all day or home alone and not go visiting then do it. If you really feel bad about not seeing those people then arrange to see them before or after christmas and don’t let people guilt trip you into seeing them. My brother would do this and I have spent many christmas’ uncomfortable and fed up being made to stay when I wanted to go home and relax and watch what I wanted on TV not play horrendous board games or watch what he wanted to on TV. It spoilt my day and made me angry so i refused to do it anymore. I was called boring and miserable but I started to value myself and my feelings more than his or his words.

Suicidal thoughts.

These seem to be more prominent and determined around this time of year when people are more vulnerable or cannot face the time ahead. What to do when these awful beasts strike? Tell someone for a start. If you feel you have no one to talk to reach out to someone or failing that go to a hospital accident and emergency department. What you must not do is act out on those awful thoughts as they are not real. Write them down and leave them there in the book. Disown them.

It is absolutely beyond heinous feeling suicidal but it is driven by our thoughts. Interrupt them and tell them ‘I know you are there but I’m not going to listen to you so be quiet’. This takes practice but you have to beat them down and not allow them the power to reap havoc and destruction on your and your loved ones lives.

You are worth it and you are valued even if you don’t believe it. Suicide leaves behind a trail of destruction. The thoughts also do come and go and if they come, they can go so be brave and hang on until you get respite from them. 

Time.

Most people I know seem to be in rush and there is ‘no time’. Why? What are you doing that makes you so busy? I’ve had periods of time when I’ve been really busy but not all the time. It seems to be the people who like everything perfect that are the busy ones. Why does everything have to be ‘perfect’? Constant cleaning and having to do things a certain way just creates more stress none of us need. If it means planning a little more in advance, after all there’s been a year since the last one then just do things a little sooner. Don’t stretch yourself to the limit. It’s only a few days out of the year. So what if the toilet doesn’t get cleaned or you didn’t get that certain present you wanted for your loved one that you really wanted tot get? So what if you don’t send any cards. Do it electronically if you must send a greeting. Nothing is ever that important and it will not make the world end, however running yourself ragged will result in frustration, exhaustion and further feelings of inadequacies or deepening depression and exacerbation of anxiety.

Unload.

Take a load off yourself. Unload and unburden yourself. Write a journal. Do some yoga. Dance round your front room to One Direction. Release the tension with a hot bath an lavender oil or a good old rant to the mirror addressing the person we feel may have irritated us or wronged us or write them a letter that never gets sent. Take that big pile of shit and dump it out!

Volunteering.

Something to consider if you find yourself with days to spare for whatever reason over the holiday season. It can lift the spirits and give us a massive sense of purpose and helps out those less fortunate to boot. Win win! It can be one hour or many days.

Worry.

Generally goes hand in hand with anxiety. Often worry is unfounded and unhelpful. Write your worries down and put them in a box along with the feeling attached to them and let them go. Practice imagining the worries leaving your body and floating away. This could be a concept that you might find hard to grasp but it’s a hell of a lot better than carrying those worries about. What are you worried about? Are they real worries? Could they actually happen? Are they unfounded? Put them into perspective.

Xxxxxx

Some kisses for you because you deserve them.

You.

It’s all about you. No one else feels what you are feeling at any given time. They can’t change you or be responsible for you. Only you can do that. So take control and be responsible for yourself. Your time and energy are important as anyones else so be careful with it. Use it wisely and be frugal with it!

Zzzzzz.

Get plenty of these, if you can. It’s a great way to recoup and recharge.

How I found my way out of depression.

I have read 2 blog posts this morning by pure chance from a link on twitter saying that 'positive thinking' and 'happiness is a choice' get the back up of the writers of the blog posts. Before reading them I had decided my blog post for the day was to be about how I found my way out of the day place.

I am one of those 'born again' happiness type of people.  I had a spiritual awakening if you like. I say that happiness and a way out of depression is possible. I thought my way into depression so I thought my way out of it too.

What made me depressed? Simple answer, my thoughts made me depressed. Clinical depression is a serious medical illness with no cause but what gets us there? Our negative thoughts get us there. The thoughts may be linked to our situation, health, wealth or a reaction to something such as grief but there is always something that cause the depression. Our thoughts.

I had clinical depression for 29 years with a bit of respite in the between but I was heavily medicated and awaiting psychotherapy and under a psychiatrist.

I hit rock bottom a couple of years ago and took an overdose. I saw it as the only way out. But after I was let out of hospital and with little in the way of support mechanisms I decided a few things were going to change. One of those things was that I wasn't going to enter into another rubbish, one way relationship, ever. Not just with a man but with another human being. I was done with vulnerability vultures and leeches. I made a list of what I wanted in a man and under  no circumstances was I going to compromise with anything on this list.

That was the stepping stone to my new life. I found a man who met the needs I needed meeting. And things in my life just got better and better. My partner is a vey positive thinker and generally happy chappy. I thought to myself 'how on earth does he remain so calm and happy when things go wrong?' He looks at things in a totally different way to me. If something bad happened I would see it as a nuisance, typical it happened to me, costly, annoying and it usually made me angry. He would say 'whats the point in getting angry, it won't change anything'. I used to think 'no it won't but I need to be angry; I should be angry'.  It took me back to what a relationship coach I saw said 'don't give your energy to something you cannot change or you don't want to remain in your life.'

I didn't see it at the time, but oh boy could I do anger!! I was angry at everything. I had been through a tough time with separation and my daughter going to live with my ex and I was feeling at my lowest ebb. I'm not saying I shouldn't have gone through those feelings as it was a kind of grief and grief can bring anger and hatred with it. I couldn't see the woods for the trees.

I was the type of person who would not be happy for someones good fortune because I was jealous. I would covert other peoples life styles and be think 'not fair'. When bad things happened to me I would think 'of course bad things happen to me, I deserve it'. I would get annoyed at injustice to the point of severe anger even though I could do nothing about it. I invited bad things into my life as I thought I deserved nothing better.

So how did I change all this?

Enough is enough

As mentioned I decided on one thing in my life I could control at one time and that was something I had had enough of. I was still down and depressed but not as suicidal. I spent my days doing very little, self medicating with alcohol and not leaving the house or even getting dressed so I wasn't out of the woods by any means. You know when you reach the point where you can't take something any longer? Well, I had reached it.

Before I took the overdose in June 2013 I was anxious, depressed, suicidal and at my lowest ebb. Rock bottom. I managed to work still but still didn't have boundaries on how much I worked. I would do extra shifts and think I'd be ok on it but then it would make me spiral further down when I became exhausted and couldn't sleep. It was a trigger. Over working and lack of sleep definiately contributed to my overdose as I couldn't think straight.

The treatment for the OD was hideous and I decided, I am never going to go through that again. That was another step towards changing things.

No to being treated badly by friends and men.
No to ever being in the position where I had to endure horrendous drugs to counteract the drugs, face the shame of telling my friends what I had done and being counter productive with the relationship with my daughter. The overdose meant I couldn't have her for while until my ex deemed me fit for purpose. The opposite of what I wanted.

I went from perceiving myself as victim then survivor to thriver. Learning from my experiences and growing from them.

Law of attraction
The second step was using the law of attraction. I didn't know it at the time but had heard of LOA. I used it without thinking about it because I no longer wanted to be in the position I was in with friends and particularly relationships with men. I had a pretty unfulfilling and unrewarding time after my ex and I split and attracting the wrong man into my life. Anyone would do and it lead to being used for money, sex and stalked. A couple of relatives of mine said they weren't surprised I'd had a stalker. 'Trust you' is what they said! I believed it to so I thought 'sod this for a game of soldiers, no more'.
We all have our breaking points and I had reached mine. Not for the first time though.

I was absolutely sick to the back teeth of having something to moan about for one thing. So I invited the good in and good things started to happen to me.

I decided I was good enough to have someone in my life that was all the things I wanted in a man. I decided I was worth it after all. I'm not a bad person so why should I settle for bad things or inappropriate things just to get the love I wanted? I was finding love in the wrong places. I wrote a list of what I wanted and I didn't compromise.

When I met my ex I wasn't in a good place myself and wanted or thought I wanted someone to fill the void. The void was in me so I should have started with me but I didn't have the knowledge or understanding to do it at the time. I learnt the hard way. Changing a partner is not an option and the warning signs were there. I kept hoping it would get better but it didn't. We weren't meant to be together as we weren't compatible at all and trying to change someone will never work. I kept hoping he'd see what I was struggling with. I'm not of the mindset that telling another adult what to do is the way forward. So neither of us would change. It was never going to work.

We need to attract into our lives a partner, if that's what we want, who has the attributes we want in a partner, for example compassion, caring, outgoing, quiet, sociable, likes the outdoors etc. Put the attributes you want in a list in a book and stick to them. Do not compromise on any of them or you will end up compromising for the whole duration of the relationship.

I use the law of attraction in all walks of life, not just love and relationships. I use to attract what I want into my life even down to the smallest thing. For example, even though it wasn't a small thing I attracted in an engagement ring. I googled a picture of what I wanted and thought about it and knew that was the ring I wanted. I wanted to get it from the jewellers in the village we lived in as she hand makes it and it would be sentimental from there. Her shop in the village is quite small and the chances of having the exact ring I wanted were small but I knew it would be there. And it was. At eye level was the exact ring I wanted and it fit. It took 2 minutes to buy it. My partner was gob smacked. He found it quite freaky really. But it does work.


Changing my lifestyle

A doctor once said to me that in order to be happier I needed to change my lifestyle and work hours. At the time and up until recently, as is in another blog post, I thought the guy was stupid for even suggesting it. I couldn't work any other hours due to my husbands hours so had to work nights. Although now I see how grateful I was I got to spend the time I did with my daughter I begrudged working nights with a passion and up to this day still do. My job used to demand you worked nights as part of your contract but when they rolled around I would start feeling resentful and full of hate.

I also had the mindset that you had to do what was available to work and nights were the lesser of the evils and earned more money, I was a slave to my payday. But I was surrounded by people and still am that you should work if you can and work harder and earn more where possible but the more I worked the harder life got, the more I spent to make myself feel better. It was not working for me and I was listening to the wrong people. I was listening to the drone of society as it is today. You are nothing unless you earn, work hard, have a fancy car, a big house and loads of nice clothes and climbing the career ladder. I was surrounded by these people! They are everywhere.

Unless that is what fulfils your needs then there is no reason why you should feel bad about not being what society deems to be representative of being a human being. Being human is not about how much cash you have or how good looking you are or what you have. It's about being happy, true to yourself and not harming others. If being career driven does not makes you happy then do not do what you think is expected of you, do what makes you happy. If being a painter makes you happy but has no fixed or definite income, then be a painter but if being a painter means you don't have a fixed abode because you have no fixed income to get a rental place or mortgage then so be it and you have to find a way to deal with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it but you have to be comfortable with it. Be prepared to lose friends over it and be prepared to be judged. Only society and others dictate that having a house/mortgage/car are what you need to be a functioning human being. It just isn't true. Do what your heart desires without hurting another living being.

I have left many jobs and stuck to a job which didn't give me any satisfaction but I reached a saturation point where I could not maintain the job any longer but because I was surrounded by people telling me that I should work full-time, I should be earning as much money as possible, I should this, I should that. Who is to tell you what you should do? Yes, we have to earn money to go on holidays, to pay for our children, to pay the bills, to have a roof over our head. But if you for example, wanted to retrain or try something different and leave a well paid job for uncertainty then as long as your children are cared for then it does not matter if you go and live in a caravan for a couple of years.

We live in a society that is super judgemental. About the car we drive, the clothes we wear, our hobbies and interests or the house we live in. I have always craved to live in a caravan or on a boat but never had the guts so I didn't get judged. Unfortunately that led me to living a false life. The life I should be living not the life I wanted to live. If money were not a factor what would you be doing?

We have to give ourselves permission to live the lives we want to live. Go do it! Stop pretending.

Self love

In our lives, some of us have difficulty with self love, whatever happens in our lives and how we grow up may determine how we are able to love ourselves and self sooth or have self compassion.
We often find we can talk to ourselves as we never would any other human being. We chastise, mock, criticise, put down and name call ourselves things we would never dream of saying to anyone else or even to ourselves out loud.

Yet why is it ok for our minds to tell us these things? Why is it ok for society to help us feel inadequate? Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough? We are an era of self loathing, self deprecating, low self esteem and no self worth.  We aren't enough.

So how do we turn those feelings around? We need to look letting go of how we view we are supposed to be and be true to ourselves. Not spending everyday pleasing others and please ourselves. Be kind to ourselves. Do things that ignite our passions and enhance our wellbeing. It's ok to spend the day baking a cake and if the cake is a disaster, that too is ok. It's ok to spend the day reading a book or writing or painting or drawing. It doesn't have to be a work of art. And who determines what a work of art is anyway? One persons pleasure is another persons distaste. But you need to not feel guilty about it.

Creativity releases tension and anguish but only if if it's not laced with guilt. Or do nothing? Sit and be mindful of the surroundings and the noises, how your body feels and you could also practice gratitude whilst doing it. Some of most creative ideas flow into us when our minds are clear of obtrusive thoughts.

Self love also requires us to stop speaking to ourselves like we are a piece of crap. I'm over weight and hated having my photo taken and still do to some extent. I still covert the photos that I was thinner in however, I am happier now than I have ever been and back then I was in a really bad place. I used food and drink to numb and self medicate but now I don't so hopefully the weight will come off eventually but I'm not going to diet or deny myself anything as it makes me grumpy. Something I will not tolerate in myself anymore is being grumpy.

I have learned to love myself by being grateful for things about myself and practicing gratitude brings with it more self love. I no longer talk to myself like crap and praise myself instead. I look at other people differently too. If you criticising someone else for their looks or behaviours then you have  a problem within yourself that needs addressing. Being comfortable in your own skin means you no longer criticise others.

Self love doesn't mean we are narcissistic either. We can appreciate ourselves and give thanks to ourselves without it meaning we are full of ourselves. We can tell ourselves we are enough. It is not about getting approval from others or bragging how fantastic we are. It's about the quiet words we say to ourselves at any time during the day. Saying 'I am good enough' without the 'yeah but' creeping in. It is about being good enough now not when you make a million or have a brand new car or lose 20 lbs. It is right here right now. Practice it now. What are you grateful for about yourself? Find 5 things now and cultivate them. We cannot grow good crops with neglect and adverse conditions so make the conditions right, right now. Not tomorrow but this very moment.

For example
I  love my sense of humour, I can make people laugh.
I like my legs, they have a good shape.
I have nice teeth.
It doesn't have to be big things, it can be the smallest thing we like about ourselves and in time we can learn to love even the bits we don't like as they are part of us.

I am also no longer envious of others as practising gratitude enhances self love and self appreciation. Realise what you have, practice gratitude for it and stop talking to yourself so violently. Being as thin or rich as you can be will not make you change the way you feel about yourself. It has to start within.



Surrounding yourself with like minded people.

We can chose our friends but not our relatives. But what if those or one particular relative are toxic? I had a relationship like that in my family and it was painful. We didn't see eye to eye. I didn't agree with their way of living and vice versa. In fact in order to please, I began to live beyond my means and turn myself into something I wasn't just to make myself into something I thought they would be proud of or fit in with their ideals. It made me miserable. I wasn't being true to myself and I made myself feel ashamed and bad about myself whenever we were together. I was lucky enough that this person took themselves out of my life but at the time it still hurt because I wasn't looking at it the right way. I felt betrayed. Now I see it as a blessing that I no longer have to feel that my weekends with my daughter are spent doing what they want to do and listening to them talk to me or my daughter in a negative way.

I am also in the process of streamlining friendships. Breaking ties with people who suck the life out of me or do not reciprocate or I can't fathom out. If I have mixed feelings now about someone, I keep them at arms length or put them out of my life altogether. There are hundreds of people out there I can connect with on a deeper level.

Being friends with someone for a long time isn't a basis for a good relationship. People do change and often values and points of view change in time. I have changed a lot in the last few months and now would not hesitate to stand up for myself, whereas before I would have said nothing, backed down and gone home, tail between my legs and bemoaned them in my own time. That's not to say I would be hurtful or confrontational but maybe phrase things so that they knew I wasn't happy with the way they were acting or what they say to me or my loved ones.

Since I have found peace in my life I am attracting more people into it that are likeminded. Before when I was depressed I hardly had anyone around me and shut myself away all the time. The only people I would talk to would be other depressed individuals through the net. It only served to perpetuate my thinking that the world was a dire place and there was no hope. Now I am in touch with people who lift my spirits higher and resonate my feelings about life. It is self fulfilling. The more negative thoughts I thought and the more I surrounded myself with negative people made me a more negative person. I needed that like a hole in the head.

I also avoid the vultures that could prey on me as I am still quite guidable and naive sometimes and like to help people but these types of people are the ones who will use and abuse for their own means. I can pick them out a little better now and I have also learned to say no very well!

This also goes for social media. Try and learn to control what you look at or read and if something you do read annoys you, try not to enter into the argument or let it frustrate you. A prime example is a loud mouth columnist in the UK was having their say on depression. Twitter was full of it. I would have at one time also entered into the argument trying to make this person feel bad about their comments but having learned from my relationship coach that giving energy to shall we say, a foe is pointless and useless. It will not make them change or feel bad about their actions. They will only benefit from people taking the bait and retaliating and elevating their ratings. If it winds you up stay away and regroup and put things into perspective.

My partner is a very positive thinker, he has taught me that the things I once thought were bad aren't necessarily so. He taught me to see the positive in situations I cannot do anything about. I had such a negative outlook on a lot of things and I realised I didn't have to have the have those ideas anymore. He also taught me that attaching negative energy to money is wasted energy. We have taught each other lots of things since we have been together but we have the same principles and outlook on life. We are very like minded.

Positive thinking.

Harbouring and nurturing negative thoughts is really easy. It takes practice to stop those thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I hear it all the time. 'I'm locked out the house and it cost me £30 to get the door open, now I'm late for work, what a disaster'. The day is ruined because you forgot your keys and had to call a lock smith and it cost money etc. If that happened to me now I would stop for a second and think a little about the situation and say something along the lines of 'I left my keys as I was distracted, not to worry these things happen, at least I was able to make a call to get someone out and I had the money in my account to give them. Thank goodness for that. I finally made it to work so no harm done and I'm alive.' I would also hand over the payment to the locksmith with sincere wholehearted gratitude. Attaching gratitude to paying for things is way more positive than begrudging paying for something. If we attach negativity to that payment we are telling the universe we enjoy being ungrateful for paying for things so the universe won't send us abundance.

Thinking positive takes energy and time to practice. Maybe having the energy is difficult but cultivating one positive thought is far less draining than cultivating 20 negative ones. The negative thoughts have a tendency to tell lies also so listening to them is only going to make you feel worse.

Changing my thinking happened over a period of time. It wasn't a one day fix. I slowly started to think more positively about situations and things that were beyond my control. If something seemingly bad has happened there is not a lot one can do about it as it's done and dusted but how we react to it can be the key. I'm not saying it's going to be easy and may need some work. If it's a big thing then I would have to dig very deep and practice and practice to remain positive and I'm sure the negative gremlins will sneak in a time or 2 to make me feel worse. But what's done is done and maybe it happened to make us take a different path in life or teach us things like patience, resilience, understanding and tolerance?

My ex decided he was going to ask for all the proceeds of our house sale to go to him or he was going to take half my pension, which is worth a fair bit. I was then faced with giving all the profits I had put into the house to him or face waiting until I retired and give him half my pension. I was furious, upset and full of hate about it. There was nothing I could do. I managed to get him to agree to letting me have a quarter so I could pay off debts and leave my pension alone. It wasn't my fault he had made no provision and he was in a better position than me in the eyes of the law however I could choose to let the hatred make me ill again or I could learn to let it go. Writing it still brings back some horrid feelings of injustice but then my positive voice reasons and says 'it is done, don't give him your energy, it's only money'.


I had to let go of the hurt I was causing myself. And one of those ways is to practice gratitude.

Practising gratitude.


This one thing has helped me break the constant loop of negative thinking. I started practicing gratitude on a daily basis after reading Hero by Rhonda Byrne. After a few days practice it started to get easier. You have to write 10 things daily that you are grateful for. They can be anything. Once you open that door to gratitude finding things to be grateful for just gets easier and easier and you can  find gratitude in absolutely everything.

For example,
I am grateful for my house, it keeps me safe and warm.
I am grateful for the clothes I have, they cover me up and keep me warm.
I am grateful for running water, it hydrates me, I can wash in it and take a bath whenever I like.
Wake up in the morning and practice gratitude for what you do have not focus on what you don't.
I'm grateful I've woken up with less pain.
I'm grateful I've woken up lying next to the man I love.

Practising gratitude for a relationship and towards a person also enhances the relationship we have with that person. So if you are experiencing trouble in that relationship, instead of complaining about them, practice gratitude towards them. It can work well with jobs and chores also but takes practice and perseverance.

Make sure the negative gremlins don't make their way in and say bad stuff to negate the good. Even if they do, don't enter into an argument with them. They are not worth the waste of energy and they do not tell the truth.

Keep at it everyday and try and practice it in any situation. Even if it feels futile, it isn't, it will be working towards a greater future for you.

Wholeheartedness.


Living wholeheartedly is defined by Brene Brown as the following:-

1. Cultivating Authenticity:Letting Go of What People Think.
   
2. Cultivating Self‐Compassion:Letting Go of Perfectionism.
   
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit:Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness.
   
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy:Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark.
   
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith:Letting Go of the Need for
   Certainty.
   
6. Cultivating Creativity:Letting Go of Comparison.
   
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and
   Productivity as Self‐Worth.
   
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness:Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle.
   
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work:Letting Go of Self‐Doubt and 'supposed to' attitude.
   
   10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and 'Always in Control'

If you want to know more about the guideposts then visit Udemy and sign onto Brene's video course or get her books from the net. There is a heck of a lot to explain but basically it is being true to yourself and allowing yourself to enjoy work, rest and play without the guilt or shame.

It's a lot of work to go through but I adore listening to her and can replay the videos over and over. She does audio CD's on her books also.

The NHS, psychiatry and medication.

Controversial part of my recovering involved relinguishing any ties with psychiatry, psychiatric meds and conventional treatment. My journey with psychiatry started when I was 17. I had already self harmed once and was feeling that way again so headed to the GP who refered me to a psychiatrist. Long story short he sexually assaulted me, I didn't tell anyone or go back to see him. I next sought help until aged 19 when I was put on prozac, that lasted a few months. I've been on and off anti -depressants for years and finally went on them permanently after I gave birth to my daughter.

I was very ill when I was pregnant and almost hospitalised due to depression. I couldn't take meds as I was being sick all the time so as soon as she was born, I went on them and stayed on them for 10 years trying several different ones until I settled for a low dose of venlafaxine. Years later quetiapine was added after a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and unstable moods.

One good thing about the quetiapine was that it helped me sleep. I had horrendous insomnia for years so it was a great relief. I visited psychiatrists from time to time over the years and had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) a few times but still got ill or rather had 'relapses' and the dose of my meds went up a great deal but I was still prone to periods of depression and reacted badly to situations. I was renowned for going over the top and losing my temper easily. I mistook this for being passionate and part of my 'illness'. It wasn't, it was just that I had trouble processing things and with the way I reacted to happenings.

I was also suffering with my stomach and the pills were making it far worse and I reached a point where I thought that I did not want to be a slave to these pills anymore. They weren't doing their job as I still got depressed. I had reached the 'enough was enough' stage. I had to wean them off gradually and it took 14 months to totally get off the venlafaxine. I'm currently trying out alternatives to help me sleep and so far managed 5 days off quetiapine and still managed to sleep!

I have also stopped going to my GP with niggles and I am slowly fixing myself through other means. My blood pressure is down as I'm no longer on the antidepressants that make it high. My stomach is much better and I'm on virtually nothing for acid and pain relief because now I have fixed the mental health problems I am better physically and vice versa.

Coming off anti-depressants is supposed to be supervised by medical people but I knew my body and what I had to do. This is my personal journey and everyone is different. I didn't feel supported by medical professionals but maybe if you are receiving therapy by an alternative means, they can help you if you decide that coming off medication is what you want.

Complementary therapy.

I strongly believe in complementary therapies such as massage, reflexology, acupuncture, coaching, hypnotherapy and osteopathy. I am a complementary therapy tart. I love it and again I am surrounded by like minded people. I always felt out of place in GP's surgery and never listened to. Not so with complementary therapy centres. I feel at home, listened to and cared for. I also now believe I am worth the money I spend on these treatments. I may be getting NHS for free (ish) but it just didn't work for me.

The relationship coach helped me start on this journey. He helped me see things out of the black and white thinking I was used to and from a different angle. He helped me see that being angry was only going to hurt me and it would solve nothing. He also put me onto Brene Brown and Byron Katie who is the creator of The Work. She helps us look at our problems from a different perspective. It isn't a way we are used to but once you get used to it, it is very helpful to deal with the problems we face and our attitudes towards ourselves and others.

Hypnotherapy helped me let go of pain I was carrying regarding my mum who died over 20 years ago. I didn't think it was actually doing anything but after the sessions I felt a weight lift out of me and the feeling of emptiness was no longer there.

Human Givens.

I didn't use this to get out of my depression but it has come back to me on my journey so thought it pertinent to include it as I'm still on my journey. I still face challenges and hiccups so need all the support I can get. But basically, if our needs are met, humans don't get depressed. I need to read further and look at it again to add further comment but it is something worth looking into if psychiatry isn't your chosen method of help. The thinking of Human Givens is very much the polar opposite of psychiatry. They look at treating the cause and the symptoms not putting a plaster on a gaping wound.

If along your life path, like myself, where you found that the way you react to things and deal with things leads to depression then we need to learn a new way to deal with things and get our needs met not take drugs to lessen the severity of feeling and numb or have something like CBT as a quick fix solution. The key is finding out ways to help us cope differently and deal with past problem effectively.


The above is how I got myself of the depressive slump I was in. It's not a one size fits all but take from it what you want and leave behind what you don't. Look for a way out and do whatever you can to get out of it because it is possible. I felt failed by the NHS, psychiatry and drugs until I realised they weren't the solution. I needed a different approach and the right tools to think my way out.

Vulnerability vultures.

I don't know anything about psychology so won't pretend to and this post is just based on personal experience and hearing other people go through kind of the same thing. I'm sure if any psychologists read this they can pigeon hole the characters into boxes but I'll leave that to the experts.

What I have noticed over the years being the kind of person I am it that I attract a certain kind of personality. I have mental health issues such as depression so sometimes I used to not happy be with myself and suffer loneliness so any kind of attention that came my way I would grab with both hands.  I guess I was needy. The kind of person I am on about is just as needy but in a different kind of way. They need someone to bolster their ego. To boost their sense of elevated self. A bit narcissistic. The type of person I'm talking about like to have you around at their beck and call but rarely return the favour. They like you to compliment them and they judge you on your looks and the way you dress some or all of the time. They tell you what to do with your money and judge for spending it things they wouldn't. They have something to say about every aspect of your life and you always seem to come away from being with them in anger for something they said or did. The world revolves around them.

I am the kind of person that is vulnerable to this kind of person. I am an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, put myself out for others, or at least I used to. The above type of people could see me coming a mile off. I was a star shining in the black night of their universe. They would throw out a line and I would be hooked. They'd play to my insecurities at first, plenty of communications, how am I doing? Wanting to spend time with me. I was flattered and felt honoured I guess. How could someone like me have attracted this attention off someone like them? They are usually confident and sometimes arrogant. They are knowledgeable and appear nice. But they have a sting like a scorpion.

Once they have you in their grasp, they will start asking favours off you, this will turn into expecting favours and when you don't act the way they want you to they start bad mouthing you to people. Yet you have done nothing wrong? Maybe you have been sick of them taking advantage of you are have been distancing yourself? They hate that. Where are you? Why haven't you answered my calls/texts?

Yet when they have something going on in their lives they disappear for a while until they need something. If it's their birthday, they want a fuss. If they plan to have you over for a meal they make a massive deal out of it. If it's not reciprocated in the same way then you haven't made the effort for them and you are a bad person. Do you find you dread their visits? I know I did but I was too polite, weak or stupid to say 'no thanks'.

Luckily one of those types of people in my life left it of their own choice, I was upset as it was a relative but really it was a blessing in disguise. The other person, I distanced myself from but boy did I get it with both barrels when I annoyed her. It all came tumbling out what a terrible low rate citizen I was. I was a terrible mother, nurse, person and I would never amount to anything. I would always be ill because I liked being ill. I didn't want to get better according to her. I was selfish and would always be in debt as I was frivolous and stupid.My daughter was better off with her dad and I would probably lose her altogether because of the type or person I was. I was a psycho because I had mental health problems and saw a psychiatrist.

It was a blow then, I admit. I was ill and didn't seem to be getting better. I wasn't a brilliant mum and my daughter did go and live with her father eventually because of illness and shift work and I had never climbed the ladder in my career. A lot of it was true. But what kind of person takes all your flaws and hangs them out to dry for you? Not a good one. I know my flaws, I didn't need the everyone picking the scabs off them. Stupid thing was I defended this person over and over again as she stormed through life upsetting people. Yet when I told her this she said 'I didn't ask you to' I thought thats what friends did but you know what? She was right.

I have learned a heck of a lot in the last year and even though this happened years ago,  still let it haunt me. Her words racing around my head punishing me. Then not so long ago I worked on it in a session with my acupuncturist. And she was gone. At last and I wish her well. But there is one thing for sure, I will not be taken in by that kind of person again. Even if I am I will cut them loose as soon as they start trying to walk all over me.

Lessons learned from being with these people.

1. Do things for people that make you feel good, not things you will begrudge. If you don't want to do it say no, there's no need to explain.

2. Be true to yourself. Do not behave a certain way to please someone else. E.g if you like doing something and they belittle it, you stop doing it. Don't. It's only their opinion. Or if they like something they expect you to get interested in it too. Don't just go along with it just to please them.

3. Do not befriend anyone who seems to take an unhealthy interest in your life and wants to be your new best friend and with you 24/7. It's not for your gain. They aren't doing it because you a super person, they are doing it for purely selfish reasons.

4. If people offer you something to help you out, they should not expect anything in return, If you have that friend or relative who says 'after all the things I've done for you' then remind them, they offered to help. I used to be like this until I learned to give wholeheartedly. I give because I want to, not expect anything in return. They give to get something in return. I also used to do things under duress and then complain about it so now I don't so it at all.

5. If any relationship is one sided, either on your part or theirs, then it's probably not going to work. She was over enthusiastic with texts and calls and I did't want to reciprocate. That's a sure sign the relationship isn't a good one.

6. If you are ill and ask them for help, they will not be there for you. They pretend they are but it's not wholehearted. When the shoe is on the other foot they expect you in attendance 24/7. If you aren't you get the riot act read at you. They may also force help onto you. Do not accept it. They will only through it back at you later.

7. Be very careful what you tell this kind of person. They will use it against you at some point.

8. Keep these people at a distance. Difficult if you are related to them but take the relationship at face value and try not to invest much energy into it.

9. The comments and 'advice' given by these types of people are said because they have short comings in their word, not yours. Try not to take it personally.

10. If the relationship is causing too much distress for you. If it has become toxic then get out. Not matter what the pain. Cut them lose to go and upset someone else or themselves. You do not deserve that crap!

11. Stay away from these people in the first place. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not put you down. Life is too short.

12. If someone has an opinion on your life and they have not lived through or with the things you have then they have no right to comment on your life. I am guilty of doing this in the past but not anymore. As Brene Brown says, 'unless you have fought in the arena, their opinion does not matter'.

Be brave. Be kind to you.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 6.

My husband eventually moved out as I had pets so renting would be tricky and also I had moved in and out that many times I couldn't face doing it again. Our daughter used to have lot of friends round in the holidays and my husband wouldn't allow them in the house so it was better I was there. I promised not to stitch him over the money that could be left over should we sell the house.

In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.

I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.

I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.

The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.

My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.

It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.

I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.

I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.

The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.

My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.

I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.

Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.

But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 4.

May contain triggers for you. Stay safe.

There is a tree in the middle of a field where I used to walk my dog. That tree was my comfort blanket. I imagined myself hanging from it. Not the putting of the rope around the branch or the physical act of looping it around my neck or how horrid it would feel to die. Just the peace I felt seeing the figure limp and lifeless, hanging there. At peace at last.

Morbid? yes, weird? maybe? Why was it a comfort? Because it meant that if the figure was me I would be free from all these terrible feelings and free of the conflict my brain was constantly throwing at me. The guilt was like a lead weight suffocating me. Why did I feel this way?

Personally I think I had done more than my body could take and the fatigue precipitated the depression. I was exhausted but I was also depressed. I've seen the same pattern over and over again. I get exhausted and then really depressed. I can be tired and start getting depressed but then I get exhausted and become much more depressed. It's not the normal kind of tiredness, it's not relieved by sleep and I could sleep for hours and hours and still feel dreadful.

I was on antidepressants and was still under the mother and baby psychiatrist but still felt my mood wasn't improving with the drugs so my psych changed it. I stayed on citalopram for a while then was discharged from the mother and baby psychiatrist when my daughter was a year old, which was the normal thing. I had appointments every 3 months to keep a close eye on me but every time I went, I saw a new face and had to repeat everything again. After the 3rd visit I lost all faith in the psychiatric system again as the doctor I was with kept nodding off on me. I answered his questions with 'yes/no' answers juts to get to over with and get out of there. It felt like a farce. It felt like no one was listening anymore.

I just pretended everything was ok but it wasn't. I went to my GP and asked to swapped to a drug I had briefly tried before. He refused and said I needed to change my life style. I told him I was trying and had done what I could but still felt suicidal. He asked me with what I thought at the time was a very a patronising tone, why I hadn't killed myself yet. I was getting very upset and angry and aware I was shouting, I have a loud voice anyway so it doesn't take much for me to sound louder. I screamed at him though gritted teeth 'because I have a child'. He was still not going to change my tablets so I stormed out the surgery and headed home. I bloody mindedly cancelled my psychiatric appointments knowing to get one again may result in me having to go on the waiting list again and decided I would do it all alone and come off my pills altogether.

It wasn't long before I was struggling again so decided to contact the MIND advocacy people to have a representative come with me to talk to the GP. I felt that being on my own they could say anything and be unhelpful and I was very vulnerable. Having someone with me had always proved beneficial in the past. My husband wouldn't come with me and I didn't have anyone I could ask to go with me. These people are trained for these situations so knew it was the right thing to do. I was determined to go back to the GP and face up to him and get him to help me. By the time I got an appointment again, that GP had left so got a locus instead. He could not have been a nicer person. He was understanding, helpful and caring. He rang my psychiatrist there and then and spoke to him. By that time legislation had changed and GP's could no longer prescribe certain drugs, only psychiatrists could.

I went back to see my psychiatrist and this time actual saw the consultant. He was ok with me after he told me I should never take my medication into my own hands and my treatment needed close supervision! Anyway after discussion he agreed with me to go back on the meds I had been on a while back, Venlafaxine. I was on a really small dose as I found the side effects to be horrid.

I found it very hard to function, although I did my best for my daughter. She was never neglected, but I only had the energy for her and my gran and that was about it. I was also having dreadful trouble with my stomach. The doctors said it was IBS and gave me a shed load of pills to help with it. It kept me up at night in agony and I felt like I had been poisoned a lot of the time. I was really sensitive to a lot of foods and was experimenting with cutting things out, avoiding dairy, stuff like that. I didn't drink a lot at the time either.

I couldn't face the possibility of going back to work and as the weeks rolled by I still had trouble coming to terms with going back. I just had about enough energy to do the basics. I was having acupuncture again and eating better and slowly the depression and suicidal thoughts subsided but I still couldn't stand the thought of going back to work. It was the momentum I didn't think I could stand and I wasn't good at pacing myself. Luckily, my husband was earning good money so I asked him if I could give up or until I was fully better. I know I berated him for not helping me out but I was and am grateful he allowed me to give up work.

I say 'allowed' because I couldn't just give up  work without his say so. We could manage financially but it would mean he would be responsible for all the bills etc. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have struggled with the concept.

With nothing else to cloud my recovery I embarked on looking after my daughter and my granny and granddad and living a very simple life. A easier life. I began to get my energy back and feel more positive. I took 8 months off work altogether and began thinking about getting another job. Very part time hours only. I ended up asking my ex manager if I could get a job back in the place I worked when my daughter had been born. I got one night a week. The manager was ok with us doing fixed nights but not fixed days. I thought one night a week would be fine. I had to do it at the weekend so we wouldn't have to pay for childcare so my husband could spend some quality time with our daughter also.

He was doing the house up at the time so spent most weekends doing DIY therefore he never got to spend quality time with her. It was a good opportunity for them both. The only thing was he would spend her the time with her going to DIY stores! Gradually I got back into the swing of things and started working 2 nights a week but it was hard work. I'd try to sleep the day of my night shift for an hour or 2 before I got my daughter from school then go to work and hardly sleep the next day as I found it hard to do that. I'd probably get 2-3 hours max in the day then pick her up from school. Some days I was so desperate to get back to sleep that as soon as my husband walked in the door I would go to bed. Then the next day I'd do the same again as I had another night shift to do.

My husband continued to not have much interest in being a father to our daughter and I was solely responsible for her. 24/7. I found this very difficult being so tired after a night shift and dragging myself to get her from school after 3 hours sleep at most. I was in a constant fog of tiredness and lack of sleep followed by insomnia. It wasn't pleasant.

I carried on this way for a couple of years. I'd always known when I had gotten married that life would be the same day in and day out with not much to look forward to in the way of holidays and I could predict the future totally. A few breaks away camping, myself and my daughter and trips to see friends broke up the monotony. Nothing changed. I craved excitement. Mostly I was doing ok and could manage with a few short lived blips in between but with a nagging sense of boredom.

Our daughter was nearly 4 by then and I'd started to entertain myself to relieve the boredom by fantasising that a guy would come and sweep me off my feet and rescue me from the mundanity. Writing this now I can see it's ridiculous. I was very unhappy with my husband and should have just found somewhere to live and leave him. Messing about on Facebook I came across a guy I used to know from school and messaged him.

Messages passed back and forth for a while, mainly about life and what we had been up to. Then he started asking if we could meet. And although the thought was exciting I was nervous. I didn't even consider my husbands feelings as I thought I had nagged and begged long enough for some help, even just go in work a little later so I could get straight to bed and get an extra hours sleep but it never happened. I switched off my capacity to care about what he thought. I know now it was wrong.

We were getting closer to meeting all the time and when we'd finally arranged on a date I had cold feet. I remember coming back from the school run one morning and ringing him saying I couldn't do it as he had so much to lose from seeing me. I didn't think I had anything to lose. I was my daughters total carer so my daughter would always stay with me. Fathers don't generally get custody of their children and become part time. How naive I was.

He persuaded me to see him and I agreed. I lied about where I was going but my husband knew I was up to something. After the first night we spent together I knew then I would leave my marriage. I thought we would be together as we were meant to be. I was on cloud nine. I felt more alive than I had done for a long time.

But this was the start, as I'm sure you can imagine, of incredible heart ache and pain for us all.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder.Part 3.

Contains candid content that may trigger. Be careful.

I'd never lived with a partner before. Only my dad and my brother and mum of course.

I'd sort of got idea that although a woman worked she was expected to do all the house work etc as well. I had grown up in a traditional sort of family with my Gran staying at home and doing all the 'caring' whilst my Granddad provided and hunter gathered. It was a great childhood. But in order for us to live in the house we had in the village we did my mum had to get a job. My dad worked nights and my mum worked early mornings. She got fed up of doing all the chores so asked my dad to do the pots when he came in from work. It was horrendous. He'd get in at 7 is and the noise from him losing his temper was awful. My mum suffered from extreme tiredness and thinking about it the house was always very clean and tidy. Clothes were always washed and put away yet she never got any thanks for it. And I was starting to see where she had been coming form.

My energy levels had never been fantastic but when my HTB (husband to be) and I moved in together the amount of work I was doing started taking their toll. I kept thinking hopefully he'd start to lift a finger and help me with the house work or see that things needed doing. But alas it was not to be. My brother had the same attitude when he had briefly lived with me and now it seemed so did my HTB.

It didn't matter if I worked nights or days or many shifts on the trot. It was still me who did the majority of the chores. We both worked full time but he would be out the house longer. The only time he did the housework was when I was at work and he was off, as he had nothing better to do.
Alarm bells were ringing as this was not what I'd hoped for from a partner. I hoped he could see I was struggling and pull his finger out a bit more after all he didn't suffer from energy problems at all.

I carried on thinking he'd change and see how I needed his help and got on with wedding plans. I again did everything, drove everything. My HTB was younger than I was and maybe a bit naive but still I'd been independent since I was a teenager and he had gone to live in a shared house with friends as a teenager but I guess he acted like a lot of male students and didn't think cleaning etc was his job or even care about it. Who knows. I worked shifts so although I was out the house the same time as working regular hours I was in at times when most people would still be at work. So therefore I guess it was seen as my duty if I was there I would do it. And I couldn't ignore it.

Time passed and depressive episodes came and went, so did hypomanic episodes where I would work all hours just to keep out the house. I remember wishing I was like one of these people who were work-alcoholics and dedicated their lives to work. But I couldn't sustain it. I soon became ill again with fatigue then depression. I'd take a couple of weeks off work then bounce back. I changed my job as I thought I wanted more recognition, money, whatever it was I thought I wanted. But I couldn't sustain the job and hated it so went back to my old job. I was trying to fill a hole in my being I had had for years. Getting married didn't help it as my husband didn't help me or support me emotionally. My job never fulfilled me.

My life was a constant round of working loads then getting ill and spending loads to make myself feel better, so then I'd be in debt so then I'd have to work harder to pay it off but then I couldn't sustain the work patterns because of my mood and/or fatigue. I'm sure I was very difficult to live with.

My now husband decided he didn't want a child after all even though we had discussed it before the wedding and agreed we'd have kids. I don't think he wanted the responsibility or to share me with anyone or anything. He had already displayed his none comital and indifference with animals despite having grown up with them. He rarely showed emotion about anything and I just thought things just didn't float his boat as I was very excited or passionate about a lot of things. I didn't even consider my mental health problems when considering pregnancy or being a mother. I was just searching for something to fill the void. I thought being a mother would somehow complete me.

We agreed that if we used some money I had gotten back from a policy that we would use it to travel and then try for a baby later that year. Which is what we did. I know bringing a child into that relationship wasn't a good idea but the thought of starting all over again at 30 didn't seem like a good option. Baring in mind the trouble I'd had with even finding a relationship, I thought, to have the relationship I had and especially being married was what I needed to keep at. Having a baby was the next step.

I was very sick during my pregnancy and have recently been reminded how horrendous I was to be around when I was pregnant. I felt dreadful. I had terrible IBS and sickness and lots of aches and pains. It was like having PMS and a hangover for months. I got some relief when I was about 15 weeks pregnant. It turned out I wasn't going to my full maternity pay either as my daughter was due 3 days before the cut off point to receive maternity pay. It meant I was only going to get 6 weeks maternity pay. Some people might have just been able to get on with this but I was feeling physically ill and now upset over the prospect of not being able to be off with my baby.

So I worked overtime to save money towards being off. I drove myself into the ground. I felt so ill that I had no energy to even lift my arms to wash my hair. I had to beg my husband to do it for me. I had no energy at all. I felt sick all the time, had terrible indigestion and everything hurt. I began to be very depressed. I worked long days back to back and carried on doing all the other stuff as much as I could. I didn't sleep well which added to the fatigue and was very tearful. I eventually went to the doctors as I felt very low. Suicidal even. I hadn't been suicidal before as such but now I had the urge to make it all stop but didn't have a plan on how to end it and I felt so guilty feeling that way whilst I was pregnant as well.

The GP referred me to a psychiatrist. I was so ill I went along as I was at the end of my tether. I remember thinking I hoped it wasn't a man due to my last encounter with a male one. She asked why I hadn't been to a psychiatrist for years so I told her what Dr Clayton had done. She made a note of it and although I wasn't in a good place I asked about reporting him. She said I could if I wanted to but it was up to me. She didn't report it herself but luckily that has changed in the system and she would have had a duty to report it. I was in no fit state to report it and could only focus on the here and now. Take each day at a time.

She put me back on prozac but I couldn't take it due to acid and started vomiting blood. We agreed I would go on it the moment I gave birth. I was off sick at work at this point and could not wait to give birth and get my body back. Looking back I probably had chronic fatigue then but it wasn't recognised. I didn't discuss any of my problems with my family as they would not have understood. Only close friends and colleagues knew. I was bitter and angry about not getting my maternity, about my husband not taking care of me, about a friend not being there for me when I had been there for her in the past. I was naive and ungrateful.

I decided to help myself also and opted to get acupuncture. I had tried it before but never had a course of treatment as such. I was willing to try anything and after researching it I opted to go back and see if it could help me. I began a course of treatment and began a great friendship with a wonderful person who went on to save me from myself on many occasions. It truly lifted me out of the sink hole I was in and got me to much better place I needed to be in.

In the mean time I took things into my own hands and booked to see an acupuncturist. I'd briefly dabbled in acupuncture before but this time I was holding out hope it would help me get out of this out I was in. 

I had a lot of treatments pre and post birth and honestly it saved my life. Whether it was the actual practitioner or the acupunture or a combination but it worked. Where 'conventional' medicine failed to treat me, the acupuncture therapy saved me. Literally from the edge. I went on to have it over the years over and over and still do to this day.

I was always a really negative person and now I realise the error of my ways but also I should not have entered into a relationship let alone had a child with someone who wasn't what I wanted. I settled for someone who adored me but I did not adore them. I should have ended it before it had gotten too serious. Undoing a marriage and a life together is very hard.

Our daughter was finally born and immediately I felt better. Euphoric almost. I was really happy to not have all the physical symptoms and so grateful for this baby. I felt invincible. I loved everything and everyone. I focused on routine and looking after my baby, walked the dog and had a very simple life with very little pressure. One of the loveliest times of my life.

My daughter started having problems with feeding and began vomiting a lot and constantly screaming. I was breast feeding and she couldn't keep my milk down and after 3 months I had to resort to formula but still she screamed and screamed. She wouldn't sleep and arguments started between my husband and I about who should get up with her. I'd be pacing around the house with her at all hours. Watching hours of rubbish tv. Thank goodness they had 24 hour tv then. I couldn't sleep either and our sleeping patterns would clash so generally I was very grumpy and tired a lot of the time. It was hard work. I wasn't depressed just going through being a new mum.

I managed to go back to work 3 days a week, which was about all I could cope with but I'd had to give up the comfort of contract as I couldn't work late due to my husbands working hours. It meant I wasn't going to get paid holiday and being on the bank meant if someone else put their name down for the shift I was supposed to be working I would be bumped. There was no security so I looked for another job. I got one in the community and embarked on working 3 long days a week. It was a 9-5 job but to beat traffic I left early and came home last thing after picking up my daughter from nursery. They were long days. I'd also gone on a diet to lose the weight I'd gained in pregnancy.
I was determined to be as efficient and as effective as I could as the job wasn't permanent. I started studying again too. It was a recipe for disaster.

I started to be even more exhausted and had to run my Granny around on my days off as my granddad had gone into hospital after a fall. My daughter was walking so time spent on the ward with my granddad was spent running around after her and trying to keep her occupied. The nurses asked if I could leave her with anyone whilst we visited. I couldn't, there was just me, my granny and my husband as her carers. My husband was at work and I was with my granny. I didn't want to put her in child care full time so I just had to deal with it.

By the time the weekends rolled around I was ready for a rest but then on Saturdays I was faced with cleaning the house. The pots had mounted up, there was no lie in and there was all the chores to do. And no one to help me and I was exhausted. My husband would be either having a lie in or doing his own thing. I can't really remember. I just remember feeling annoyed that he wasn't helping me. I remember nagging a lot too. It does't work. I read once that in order to get a partner you lived with to do tasks that needing doing, you needed to leave a list for them and ask them to do it. I'm not a great believer in this but it might work for you. I believe that as an adult you should be able to see what needs doing and do it to help your loved out. I'm no psychologist so don't know how mens brains work but I know they are capable of doing these things without nagging or asking or lists. I know this is normal life for a lot of people but I didn't have the energy to cope with it.

I had to look after my grannies 120 foot garden too and although she had a small front garden she had a privet hedge. That hedge was the bane of my life. I'd spend hours cleaning out her house as well as she was a bit of a hoarder and trying to grow my own veg in her garden like my granddad used to. I had phases where I was this go getting dressed up heeled professional then going to basics and wearing wellies everyday and pyjamas most of the day and going back to nature where all I could cope with was walking the dog or going for long bike rides with my dog and daughter (I had a trailer).

I guess I struggled with my identity a lot. I was friends with go getters who all ended up in high powered jobs and used to ask why I hadn't done the same. My brother wanted to know why I didn't work full time and when our daughter started school my husband thought the same. I simply couldn't do it all.

I remember begging my husband to help me with my grannies garden one weekend but he refused and went off to do his own thing. He wasn't very sociable and admitted to being intimidated by my friends that were older than him. He wouldn't visit my brother and his wife with me or my friends and we hardly ever went on holiday together. The irony was when my Granny died and we were seperated that my husband wanted to attend her funeral. My brother told me to give him a break and let him go. I didn't see the point of paying respects to a person he didn't give a shit about when she was alive.

I'd put a lot of work into my job and when we got the go ahead that the work I had done would mean the the project would continue. That's when I collapsed. I couldn't envisage keeping up the pace I had been and working harder than I already had. I was stressed to the max and tired beyond words and just wanted to be at home with my daughter.

I went off sick from my job and forced myself to finish a diploma. But then I gave in and took to my bed, around having my daughter. I relished the days when my husband had a day off work so I could go back to bed. But I started to feel vey suicidal. I thought about suicide all the time. I envisaged what I do and how I would do it. And the feelings lasted for weeks.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 2.

Be careful reading this it could possibly trigger some unwanted feelings.

Following my mothers death and a change of job, my BF (best friend) decided she was going travelling and their was no way she was going without me so I set about renting my house out and packing up to go. It seemed a complete turn around from spending months creating a home and buying things for it to packing it all up to go away.

I intended to go to Australia and never come back. I managed mostly quite well whilst over there. There was a lot of partying and long days working whilst we lived in Sydney. It wasn't without angst but mostly I felt in control and happy. That was until the guy I was seeing went away for christmas without me and I found I was pregnant. I started crying and could not stop.

To add to the the complications I'd had a one night stand whilst my boyfriend was away and turned out it was the one night stands baby. Despite using the morning after pill, which I was told didn't work in Australia. After I found this out I  decided I had no choice but to have a termination. Something I had been against anyone doing for years. It was my worst fear and it was happening to me and I was having to go through it. It was either that or face bringing up a child alone and I knew I wasn't capable of that.

Whatever your thoughts on abortion, please bare in mind that every circumstance is unique and individual. It was a difficult decision for me but I didn't have a choice. I had a one night stand because I got really drunk and got attention of a guy that was at the party and it seemed to ease the pain a little, temporarily. That's how I dealt with things. I would not recommend doing any other actions as a fix at all.

I didn't stop crying as we moved to Melbourne and I attended the clinic and it was all over very quickly. Then we moved to Adelaide and I was working but I was in a very bad place and my poor BF was relieved when I decided to go and stay with the guy I had been seeing in Sydney who was now living in a mining town called Kalgoorlie. I went to see a GP in Adelaide for antidepressants. He was a wonderful guy and told me that going to live with my 'boyfriend' was going to be a big mistake. I knew this in my heart and soul but I felt so relieved when he'd asked me to come and stay with him.

I stopped crying and my BF was relieved to be free of this crying mess and I got on a bus and headed to my boyfriends place where we stayed for 3 months before he decided he was going to head to Europe. Alone. I was devastated. I hung on for dear life. I followed him round like a lost child and the thought of going it alone was terrifying. I know very co-dependent. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. They tore me up inside.

We did go our separate ways whilst I went and travelled a bit more of the coast of Australia. But I struggled and muddled along. But I managed as I had seeing my boyfriend again to look forward to. We saw each other again in Ayers Rock and spent a great time travelling a bit but he soon left again and I somehow had to pick myself up and carry on.

I eventually went back home and arranged to meet my boyfriend back at my dads house. I joined him, his sister and her best friend on a journey in a camper van round Scotland. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I did it anyway. It was clear we weren't getting on then but we ended up in Ireland to see a guy we had been friends with and lived with in Sydney. Ireland turned out to be horrific for me.

I couldn't work as it was southern Ireland so went back to London to work for 18 days and got a terrible feeling whilst I was there. I could hardly get hold of my boyfriend and when I got back to Ireland things were very hard. Our mutual friend had picked up some photos and purposely gave them to me to look through and there was a photo of my boyfriend lip locked with our mutual friends cousin. It floored me. I was already very fragile but this was the moment of no return and I had no choice, after many arguments and drunken melt downs, I decided to leave so I headed, in a mess, back to my dads house.

I got a job again and tried to move on and my BF came back from travelling too so we shared a room in a shared house for a couple of months. I was just starting to get myself back to some semblance of normality when my ex turned up and threw the whole can of worms open again. No sooner had he turned up than he decided I wasn't what he wanted and left within a couple of days. I was once again thrown into turmoil.

I couldn't work, I couldn't stop crying. I went back to the doctor and got some anti depressants which gave me horrendous nightmares and made me feel awful so I knocked them on the head and decided to go to New Zealand. I planned it without anyone knowing. Almost like a suicide, I planned to leave without telling anyone and left notes for my dad and best friend but she knew something as wrong so I told her.

My plan was that if I was in New Zealand my ex, who was from there, would come rushing back to me as he would see how dedicated I was to him. He'd sent me a letter whilst I was in Nottingham and kind of declared his love to me. This was after he'd been to stay with me. It was a weird situation. I was convinced we were meant to be together.

Needless to say I was very down and it was very lonely place to be when you are not in a good place. You can travel all over the world and still feel lonely inside. I could not find peace at all. I was having terrible nightmares, felt dreadful and very lonely. I ended up going back to my dads again, in a lot of debt and feeling lost.

I threw myself into work and paid off my debts and felt better. There was pattern forming. Periods of feeling really down and unable to do much and crying a lot to then slowly getting back on track and elevating to going out all the time and working all hours and feeling brilliant. I didn't know it then but  I was having hypomania's. It would be years before I realised this was what was actually happening and broach the subject with mental health care team. I went on like this for years.

I felt, at this time, great. things were going really well and for the first time in my dating history, I had   several guys that were interested in me so there was no shortage of dates and fun. It's always when you are like this and content with yourself that you find someone you really like and want to be with.
I was 26 by this time so was thinking that this would be a good time to settle down.

My relationship with my husband to be flowed pretty well and we moved into my house that I rented out whilst I'd been travelling. We had only been seeing each other a few weeks when we decided to get married. He was smitten and I was bowled over. But upon moving into the house together things weren't quite as rosy as they had been or I thought they were.