How I found my way out of depression.

I have read 2 blog posts this morning by pure chance from a link on twitter saying that 'positive thinking' and 'happiness is a choice' get the back up of the writers of the blog posts. Before reading them I had decided my blog post for the day was to be about how I found my way out of the day place.

I am one of those 'born again' happiness type of people.  I had a spiritual awakening if you like. I say that happiness and a way out of depression is possible. I thought my way into depression so I thought my way out of it too.

What made me depressed? Simple answer, my thoughts made me depressed. Clinical depression is a serious medical illness with no cause but what gets us there? Our negative thoughts get us there. The thoughts may be linked to our situation, health, wealth or a reaction to something such as grief but there is always something that cause the depression. Our thoughts.

I had clinical depression for 29 years with a bit of respite in the between but I was heavily medicated and awaiting psychotherapy and under a psychiatrist.

I hit rock bottom a couple of years ago and took an overdose. I saw it as the only way out. But after I was let out of hospital and with little in the way of support mechanisms I decided a few things were going to change. One of those things was that I wasn't going to enter into another rubbish, one way relationship, ever. Not just with a man but with another human being. I was done with vulnerability vultures and leeches. I made a list of what I wanted in a man and under  no circumstances was I going to compromise with anything on this list.

That was the stepping stone to my new life. I found a man who met the needs I needed meeting. And things in my life just got better and better. My partner is a vey positive thinker and generally happy chappy. I thought to myself 'how on earth does he remain so calm and happy when things go wrong?' He looks at things in a totally different way to me. If something bad happened I would see it as a nuisance, typical it happened to me, costly, annoying and it usually made me angry. He would say 'whats the point in getting angry, it won't change anything'. I used to think 'no it won't but I need to be angry; I should be angry'.  It took me back to what a relationship coach I saw said 'don't give your energy to something you cannot change or you don't want to remain in your life.'

I didn't see it at the time, but oh boy could I do anger!! I was angry at everything. I had been through a tough time with separation and my daughter going to live with my ex and I was feeling at my lowest ebb. I'm not saying I shouldn't have gone through those feelings as it was a kind of grief and grief can bring anger and hatred with it. I couldn't see the woods for the trees.

I was the type of person who would not be happy for someones good fortune because I was jealous. I would covert other peoples life styles and be think 'not fair'. When bad things happened to me I would think 'of course bad things happen to me, I deserve it'. I would get annoyed at injustice to the point of severe anger even though I could do nothing about it. I invited bad things into my life as I thought I deserved nothing better.

So how did I change all this?

Enough is enough

As mentioned I decided on one thing in my life I could control at one time and that was something I had had enough of. I was still down and depressed but not as suicidal. I spent my days doing very little, self medicating with alcohol and not leaving the house or even getting dressed so I wasn't out of the woods by any means. You know when you reach the point where you can't take something any longer? Well, I had reached it.

Before I took the overdose in June 2013 I was anxious, depressed, suicidal and at my lowest ebb. Rock bottom. I managed to work still but still didn't have boundaries on how much I worked. I would do extra shifts and think I'd be ok on it but then it would make me spiral further down when I became exhausted and couldn't sleep. It was a trigger. Over working and lack of sleep definiately contributed to my overdose as I couldn't think straight.

The treatment for the OD was hideous and I decided, I am never going to go through that again. That was another step towards changing things.

No to being treated badly by friends and men.
No to ever being in the position where I had to endure horrendous drugs to counteract the drugs, face the shame of telling my friends what I had done and being counter productive with the relationship with my daughter. The overdose meant I couldn't have her for while until my ex deemed me fit for purpose. The opposite of what I wanted.

I went from perceiving myself as victim then survivor to thriver. Learning from my experiences and growing from them.

Law of attraction
The second step was using the law of attraction. I didn't know it at the time but had heard of LOA. I used it without thinking about it because I no longer wanted to be in the position I was in with friends and particularly relationships with men. I had a pretty unfulfilling and unrewarding time after my ex and I split and attracting the wrong man into my life. Anyone would do and it lead to being used for money, sex and stalked. A couple of relatives of mine said they weren't surprised I'd had a stalker. 'Trust you' is what they said! I believed it to so I thought 'sod this for a game of soldiers, no more'.
We all have our breaking points and I had reached mine. Not for the first time though.

I was absolutely sick to the back teeth of having something to moan about for one thing. So I invited the good in and good things started to happen to me.

I decided I was good enough to have someone in my life that was all the things I wanted in a man. I decided I was worth it after all. I'm not a bad person so why should I settle for bad things or inappropriate things just to get the love I wanted? I was finding love in the wrong places. I wrote a list of what I wanted and I didn't compromise.

When I met my ex I wasn't in a good place myself and wanted or thought I wanted someone to fill the void. The void was in me so I should have started with me but I didn't have the knowledge or understanding to do it at the time. I learnt the hard way. Changing a partner is not an option and the warning signs were there. I kept hoping it would get better but it didn't. We weren't meant to be together as we weren't compatible at all and trying to change someone will never work. I kept hoping he'd see what I was struggling with. I'm not of the mindset that telling another adult what to do is the way forward. So neither of us would change. It was never going to work.

We need to attract into our lives a partner, if that's what we want, who has the attributes we want in a partner, for example compassion, caring, outgoing, quiet, sociable, likes the outdoors etc. Put the attributes you want in a list in a book and stick to them. Do not compromise on any of them or you will end up compromising for the whole duration of the relationship.

I use the law of attraction in all walks of life, not just love and relationships. I use to attract what I want into my life even down to the smallest thing. For example, even though it wasn't a small thing I attracted in an engagement ring. I googled a picture of what I wanted and thought about it and knew that was the ring I wanted. I wanted to get it from the jewellers in the village we lived in as she hand makes it and it would be sentimental from there. Her shop in the village is quite small and the chances of having the exact ring I wanted were small but I knew it would be there. And it was. At eye level was the exact ring I wanted and it fit. It took 2 minutes to buy it. My partner was gob smacked. He found it quite freaky really. But it does work.


Changing my lifestyle

A doctor once said to me that in order to be happier I needed to change my lifestyle and work hours. At the time and up until recently, as is in another blog post, I thought the guy was stupid for even suggesting it. I couldn't work any other hours due to my husbands hours so had to work nights. Although now I see how grateful I was I got to spend the time I did with my daughter I begrudged working nights with a passion and up to this day still do. My job used to demand you worked nights as part of your contract but when they rolled around I would start feeling resentful and full of hate.

I also had the mindset that you had to do what was available to work and nights were the lesser of the evils and earned more money, I was a slave to my payday. But I was surrounded by people and still am that you should work if you can and work harder and earn more where possible but the more I worked the harder life got, the more I spent to make myself feel better. It was not working for me and I was listening to the wrong people. I was listening to the drone of society as it is today. You are nothing unless you earn, work hard, have a fancy car, a big house and loads of nice clothes and climbing the career ladder. I was surrounded by these people! They are everywhere.

Unless that is what fulfils your needs then there is no reason why you should feel bad about not being what society deems to be representative of being a human being. Being human is not about how much cash you have or how good looking you are or what you have. It's about being happy, true to yourself and not harming others. If being career driven does not makes you happy then do not do what you think is expected of you, do what makes you happy. If being a painter makes you happy but has no fixed or definite income, then be a painter but if being a painter means you don't have a fixed abode because you have no fixed income to get a rental place or mortgage then so be it and you have to find a way to deal with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it but you have to be comfortable with it. Be prepared to lose friends over it and be prepared to be judged. Only society and others dictate that having a house/mortgage/car are what you need to be a functioning human being. It just isn't true. Do what your heart desires without hurting another living being.

I have left many jobs and stuck to a job which didn't give me any satisfaction but I reached a saturation point where I could not maintain the job any longer but because I was surrounded by people telling me that I should work full-time, I should be earning as much money as possible, I should this, I should that. Who is to tell you what you should do? Yes, we have to earn money to go on holidays, to pay for our children, to pay the bills, to have a roof over our head. But if you for example, wanted to retrain or try something different and leave a well paid job for uncertainty then as long as your children are cared for then it does not matter if you go and live in a caravan for a couple of years.

We live in a society that is super judgemental. About the car we drive, the clothes we wear, our hobbies and interests or the house we live in. I have always craved to live in a caravan or on a boat but never had the guts so I didn't get judged. Unfortunately that led me to living a false life. The life I should be living not the life I wanted to live. If money were not a factor what would you be doing?

We have to give ourselves permission to live the lives we want to live. Go do it! Stop pretending.

Self love

In our lives, some of us have difficulty with self love, whatever happens in our lives and how we grow up may determine how we are able to love ourselves and self sooth or have self compassion.
We often find we can talk to ourselves as we never would any other human being. We chastise, mock, criticise, put down and name call ourselves things we would never dream of saying to anyone else or even to ourselves out loud.

Yet why is it ok for our minds to tell us these things? Why is it ok for society to help us feel inadequate? Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough? We are an era of self loathing, self deprecating, low self esteem and no self worth.  We aren't enough.

So how do we turn those feelings around? We need to look letting go of how we view we are supposed to be and be true to ourselves. Not spending everyday pleasing others and please ourselves. Be kind to ourselves. Do things that ignite our passions and enhance our wellbeing. It's ok to spend the day baking a cake and if the cake is a disaster, that too is ok. It's ok to spend the day reading a book or writing or painting or drawing. It doesn't have to be a work of art. And who determines what a work of art is anyway? One persons pleasure is another persons distaste. But you need to not feel guilty about it.

Creativity releases tension and anguish but only if if it's not laced with guilt. Or do nothing? Sit and be mindful of the surroundings and the noises, how your body feels and you could also practice gratitude whilst doing it. Some of most creative ideas flow into us when our minds are clear of obtrusive thoughts.

Self love also requires us to stop speaking to ourselves like we are a piece of crap. I'm over weight and hated having my photo taken and still do to some extent. I still covert the photos that I was thinner in however, I am happier now than I have ever been and back then I was in a really bad place. I used food and drink to numb and self medicate but now I don't so hopefully the weight will come off eventually but I'm not going to diet or deny myself anything as it makes me grumpy. Something I will not tolerate in myself anymore is being grumpy.

I have learned to love myself by being grateful for things about myself and practicing gratitude brings with it more self love. I no longer talk to myself like crap and praise myself instead. I look at other people differently too. If you criticising someone else for their looks or behaviours then you have  a problem within yourself that needs addressing. Being comfortable in your own skin means you no longer criticise others.

Self love doesn't mean we are narcissistic either. We can appreciate ourselves and give thanks to ourselves without it meaning we are full of ourselves. We can tell ourselves we are enough. It is not about getting approval from others or bragging how fantastic we are. It's about the quiet words we say to ourselves at any time during the day. Saying 'I am good enough' without the 'yeah but' creeping in. It is about being good enough now not when you make a million or have a brand new car or lose 20 lbs. It is right here right now. Practice it now. What are you grateful for about yourself? Find 5 things now and cultivate them. We cannot grow good crops with neglect and adverse conditions so make the conditions right, right now. Not tomorrow but this very moment.

For example
I  love my sense of humour, I can make people laugh.
I like my legs, they have a good shape.
I have nice teeth.
It doesn't have to be big things, it can be the smallest thing we like about ourselves and in time we can learn to love even the bits we don't like as they are part of us.

I am also no longer envious of others as practising gratitude enhances self love and self appreciation. Realise what you have, practice gratitude for it and stop talking to yourself so violently. Being as thin or rich as you can be will not make you change the way you feel about yourself. It has to start within.



Surrounding yourself with like minded people.

We can chose our friends but not our relatives. But what if those or one particular relative are toxic? I had a relationship like that in my family and it was painful. We didn't see eye to eye. I didn't agree with their way of living and vice versa. In fact in order to please, I began to live beyond my means and turn myself into something I wasn't just to make myself into something I thought they would be proud of or fit in with their ideals. It made me miserable. I wasn't being true to myself and I made myself feel ashamed and bad about myself whenever we were together. I was lucky enough that this person took themselves out of my life but at the time it still hurt because I wasn't looking at it the right way. I felt betrayed. Now I see it as a blessing that I no longer have to feel that my weekends with my daughter are spent doing what they want to do and listening to them talk to me or my daughter in a negative way.

I am also in the process of streamlining friendships. Breaking ties with people who suck the life out of me or do not reciprocate or I can't fathom out. If I have mixed feelings now about someone, I keep them at arms length or put them out of my life altogether. There are hundreds of people out there I can connect with on a deeper level.

Being friends with someone for a long time isn't a basis for a good relationship. People do change and often values and points of view change in time. I have changed a lot in the last few months and now would not hesitate to stand up for myself, whereas before I would have said nothing, backed down and gone home, tail between my legs and bemoaned them in my own time. That's not to say I would be hurtful or confrontational but maybe phrase things so that they knew I wasn't happy with the way they were acting or what they say to me or my loved ones.

Since I have found peace in my life I am attracting more people into it that are likeminded. Before when I was depressed I hardly had anyone around me and shut myself away all the time. The only people I would talk to would be other depressed individuals through the net. It only served to perpetuate my thinking that the world was a dire place and there was no hope. Now I am in touch with people who lift my spirits higher and resonate my feelings about life. It is self fulfilling. The more negative thoughts I thought and the more I surrounded myself with negative people made me a more negative person. I needed that like a hole in the head.

I also avoid the vultures that could prey on me as I am still quite guidable and naive sometimes and like to help people but these types of people are the ones who will use and abuse for their own means. I can pick them out a little better now and I have also learned to say no very well!

This also goes for social media. Try and learn to control what you look at or read and if something you do read annoys you, try not to enter into the argument or let it frustrate you. A prime example is a loud mouth columnist in the UK was having their say on depression. Twitter was full of it. I would have at one time also entered into the argument trying to make this person feel bad about their comments but having learned from my relationship coach that giving energy to shall we say, a foe is pointless and useless. It will not make them change or feel bad about their actions. They will only benefit from people taking the bait and retaliating and elevating their ratings. If it winds you up stay away and regroup and put things into perspective.

My partner is a very positive thinker, he has taught me that the things I once thought were bad aren't necessarily so. He taught me to see the positive in situations I cannot do anything about. I had such a negative outlook on a lot of things and I realised I didn't have to have the have those ideas anymore. He also taught me that attaching negative energy to money is wasted energy. We have taught each other lots of things since we have been together but we have the same principles and outlook on life. We are very like minded.

Positive thinking.

Harbouring and nurturing negative thoughts is really easy. It takes practice to stop those thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I hear it all the time. 'I'm locked out the house and it cost me £30 to get the door open, now I'm late for work, what a disaster'. The day is ruined because you forgot your keys and had to call a lock smith and it cost money etc. If that happened to me now I would stop for a second and think a little about the situation and say something along the lines of 'I left my keys as I was distracted, not to worry these things happen, at least I was able to make a call to get someone out and I had the money in my account to give them. Thank goodness for that. I finally made it to work so no harm done and I'm alive.' I would also hand over the payment to the locksmith with sincere wholehearted gratitude. Attaching gratitude to paying for things is way more positive than begrudging paying for something. If we attach negativity to that payment we are telling the universe we enjoy being ungrateful for paying for things so the universe won't send us abundance.

Thinking positive takes energy and time to practice. Maybe having the energy is difficult but cultivating one positive thought is far less draining than cultivating 20 negative ones. The negative thoughts have a tendency to tell lies also so listening to them is only going to make you feel worse.

Changing my thinking happened over a period of time. It wasn't a one day fix. I slowly started to think more positively about situations and things that were beyond my control. If something seemingly bad has happened there is not a lot one can do about it as it's done and dusted but how we react to it can be the key. I'm not saying it's going to be easy and may need some work. If it's a big thing then I would have to dig very deep and practice and practice to remain positive and I'm sure the negative gremlins will sneak in a time or 2 to make me feel worse. But what's done is done and maybe it happened to make us take a different path in life or teach us things like patience, resilience, understanding and tolerance?

My ex decided he was going to ask for all the proceeds of our house sale to go to him or he was going to take half my pension, which is worth a fair bit. I was then faced with giving all the profits I had put into the house to him or face waiting until I retired and give him half my pension. I was furious, upset and full of hate about it. There was nothing I could do. I managed to get him to agree to letting me have a quarter so I could pay off debts and leave my pension alone. It wasn't my fault he had made no provision and he was in a better position than me in the eyes of the law however I could choose to let the hatred make me ill again or I could learn to let it go. Writing it still brings back some horrid feelings of injustice but then my positive voice reasons and says 'it is done, don't give him your energy, it's only money'.


I had to let go of the hurt I was causing myself. And one of those ways is to practice gratitude.

Practising gratitude.


This one thing has helped me break the constant loop of negative thinking. I started practicing gratitude on a daily basis after reading Hero by Rhonda Byrne. After a few days practice it started to get easier. You have to write 10 things daily that you are grateful for. They can be anything. Once you open that door to gratitude finding things to be grateful for just gets easier and easier and you can  find gratitude in absolutely everything.

For example,
I am grateful for my house, it keeps me safe and warm.
I am grateful for the clothes I have, they cover me up and keep me warm.
I am grateful for running water, it hydrates me, I can wash in it and take a bath whenever I like.
Wake up in the morning and practice gratitude for what you do have not focus on what you don't.
I'm grateful I've woken up with less pain.
I'm grateful I've woken up lying next to the man I love.

Practising gratitude for a relationship and towards a person also enhances the relationship we have with that person. So if you are experiencing trouble in that relationship, instead of complaining about them, practice gratitude towards them. It can work well with jobs and chores also but takes practice and perseverance.

Make sure the negative gremlins don't make their way in and say bad stuff to negate the good. Even if they do, don't enter into an argument with them. They are not worth the waste of energy and they do not tell the truth.

Keep at it everyday and try and practice it in any situation. Even if it feels futile, it isn't, it will be working towards a greater future for you.

Wholeheartedness.


Living wholeheartedly is defined by Brene Brown as the following:-

1. Cultivating Authenticity:Letting Go of What People Think.
   
2. Cultivating Self‐Compassion:Letting Go of Perfectionism.
   
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit:Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness.
   
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy:Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark.
   
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith:Letting Go of the Need for
   Certainty.
   
6. Cultivating Creativity:Letting Go of Comparison.
   
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and
   Productivity as Self‐Worth.
   
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness:Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle.
   
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work:Letting Go of Self‐Doubt and 'supposed to' attitude.
   
   10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and 'Always in Control'

If you want to know more about the guideposts then visit Udemy and sign onto Brene's video course or get her books from the net. There is a heck of a lot to explain but basically it is being true to yourself and allowing yourself to enjoy work, rest and play without the guilt or shame.

It's a lot of work to go through but I adore listening to her and can replay the videos over and over. She does audio CD's on her books also.

The NHS, psychiatry and medication.

Controversial part of my recovering involved relinguishing any ties with psychiatry, psychiatric meds and conventional treatment. My journey with psychiatry started when I was 17. I had already self harmed once and was feeling that way again so headed to the GP who refered me to a psychiatrist. Long story short he sexually assaulted me, I didn't tell anyone or go back to see him. I next sought help until aged 19 when I was put on prozac, that lasted a few months. I've been on and off anti -depressants for years and finally went on them permanently after I gave birth to my daughter.

I was very ill when I was pregnant and almost hospitalised due to depression. I couldn't take meds as I was being sick all the time so as soon as she was born, I went on them and stayed on them for 10 years trying several different ones until I settled for a low dose of venlafaxine. Years later quetiapine was added after a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and unstable moods.

One good thing about the quetiapine was that it helped me sleep. I had horrendous insomnia for years so it was a great relief. I visited psychiatrists from time to time over the years and had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) a few times but still got ill or rather had 'relapses' and the dose of my meds went up a great deal but I was still prone to periods of depression and reacted badly to situations. I was renowned for going over the top and losing my temper easily. I mistook this for being passionate and part of my 'illness'. It wasn't, it was just that I had trouble processing things and with the way I reacted to happenings.

I was also suffering with my stomach and the pills were making it far worse and I reached a point where I thought that I did not want to be a slave to these pills anymore. They weren't doing their job as I still got depressed. I had reached the 'enough was enough' stage. I had to wean them off gradually and it took 14 months to totally get off the venlafaxine. I'm currently trying out alternatives to help me sleep and so far managed 5 days off quetiapine and still managed to sleep!

I have also stopped going to my GP with niggles and I am slowly fixing myself through other means. My blood pressure is down as I'm no longer on the antidepressants that make it high. My stomach is much better and I'm on virtually nothing for acid and pain relief because now I have fixed the mental health problems I am better physically and vice versa.

Coming off anti-depressants is supposed to be supervised by medical people but I knew my body and what I had to do. This is my personal journey and everyone is different. I didn't feel supported by medical professionals but maybe if you are receiving therapy by an alternative means, they can help you if you decide that coming off medication is what you want.

Complementary therapy.

I strongly believe in complementary therapies such as massage, reflexology, acupuncture, coaching, hypnotherapy and osteopathy. I am a complementary therapy tart. I love it and again I am surrounded by like minded people. I always felt out of place in GP's surgery and never listened to. Not so with complementary therapy centres. I feel at home, listened to and cared for. I also now believe I am worth the money I spend on these treatments. I may be getting NHS for free (ish) but it just didn't work for me.

The relationship coach helped me start on this journey. He helped me see things out of the black and white thinking I was used to and from a different angle. He helped me see that being angry was only going to hurt me and it would solve nothing. He also put me onto Brene Brown and Byron Katie who is the creator of The Work. She helps us look at our problems from a different perspective. It isn't a way we are used to but once you get used to it, it is very helpful to deal with the problems we face and our attitudes towards ourselves and others.

Hypnotherapy helped me let go of pain I was carrying regarding my mum who died over 20 years ago. I didn't think it was actually doing anything but after the sessions I felt a weight lift out of me and the feeling of emptiness was no longer there.

Human Givens.

I didn't use this to get out of my depression but it has come back to me on my journey so thought it pertinent to include it as I'm still on my journey. I still face challenges and hiccups so need all the support I can get. But basically, if our needs are met, humans don't get depressed. I need to read further and look at it again to add further comment but it is something worth looking into if psychiatry isn't your chosen method of help. The thinking of Human Givens is very much the polar opposite of psychiatry. They look at treating the cause and the symptoms not putting a plaster on a gaping wound.

If along your life path, like myself, where you found that the way you react to things and deal with things leads to depression then we need to learn a new way to deal with things and get our needs met not take drugs to lessen the severity of feeling and numb or have something like CBT as a quick fix solution. The key is finding out ways to help us cope differently and deal with past problem effectively.


The above is how I got myself of the depressive slump I was in. It's not a one size fits all but take from it what you want and leave behind what you don't. Look for a way out and do whatever you can to get out of it because it is possible. I felt failed by the NHS, psychiatry and drugs until I realised they weren't the solution. I needed a different approach and the right tools to think my way out.

A thank you is the cherry on the cake.

We all know that we should have manners. We bring our children up to have manners, to say please, thank you and be courteous. I am as guilty as many mothers saying to our children 'where are your manners?' or ' a thank you would be nice'. If you hold a door open or move out of the way for someone most of the time we would expect a thank you right?If a person doesn't say thank you when you do something, how do we feel? Annoyed? Angry? It's an injustice?

I remember doing things for people and saying it was ok that I was doing it but if I didn't get a thank you or something in return I would begrudge it, bemoan it, bemoan them. I could see a way I could be helpful or asked to help and I would help but when I had done the deed and I didn't get a thank you or reward, say monetary if I'd used petrol or bought something and they didn't pay me back, I would get angry about it and feel used, especially when the shoe was on the other foot and I needed help and they either refused or ignored my pleas or worse took over the situation.

What good did that anger do me? Nothing. It didn't change anything, it made me ill, it drove me mad, it made me resent people. And up until recently I was still using the phrase 'after all I've done for them'. Now I see the error of my ways.
                             
Firstly, I was expecting something in return for doing something. I don't know where this idea came from. I don't know if I was bought up with it? Yes, I was bought up with manners but where did I get the idea I had to expect something in return for good deeds? Is it the 'get what you give' principle? I think it probably is. I expected because I had given out my time and money etc that I should expect the same kind of consideration back. Right? Wrong.

I have learned that doing a deed for someone should be done with love and wholeheartedness. I should give what I can, when I can and do it because I want to, because I can do it and because I don't want anything in return. I mean anything as in nothing. I don't expect acknowledgement or thanks. Why? Because I have done this thing with love and wholeheartedness that I will get the gratitude from the act knowing it has helped someone. That is my thanks, that is my gratitude.

If you do something for someone and want something for it such as acknowledgment then you are expecting something in return. If you expect something in return and do not get it, you will lead to  disappointment and begrudging the act and/or the person.

The easiest thing to do is not expect anything. Not one single thing. Not even a thank you. Knowing you have done the act out of sheer love of doing the task or that it will make someones life easier is enough for me. The thank you is the cherry on the cake but without the cherry, the cake is just as nice isn't it?

For want of a better example, I use the harassed mother example. A lady is coming towards the shop you are in. She has a pushchair and a toddler with her that doesn't look too happy. You stand and open the door for her and she bustles in past you without any acknowledgement at all. Not even a simple thank you, so how does that make you feel? It could make you feel anything from a bit annoyed to really angry, depending on how you are feeling at the time and your mood at the time.

Imagine it makes you feel really angry. How dare she ignore you. How dare she not say thank you. Then you start thinking about all the people who have you aggrieved you and the lack of thanks you have gotten over a few things you have done for people. Ok this is an extreme reaction but I know I have sometimes felt like that. It sometimes only takes one thing to spark an avalanche of negative feelings.

So lets look back at harassed Mum. She is obviously having a bad time when you come across her. She is probably tired and having to back things in between feeding her baby. Things can be magnified  when a person is tired, harassed and under stress. We could look at it another way. What a great coincidence you were there to open the door of her. You made a moment in her life so much easier as she didn't have to wrestle with the door. I would then say to myself 'well done you for being in the right place at the right time and thank you for being a nice person.'

Even if the person coming through the door isn't harassed and just blanks you, for example a man in a suit, you would expect him to be polite and say thank you. We make assumptions of people quite quickly. You probably would not even expect a thank you from a teenager whose trousers are hanging off their bum. However, do we know that the suited man isn't distracted and having personal problems or that he's really narcissistic that he believes everyone should open the door for him and he should never open door for anyone. We have no way of knowing. The point is we can control how we feel about not receiving the thank you.

It doesn't matter whether the person you are opening the door for is an harassed mother, a suited guy or a teenager with saggy jeans. The fact of the matter is we are brought up to accept manner sin return for noble deeds. When we don't get them we tend to be peeved but we don't need to be peeved. We can take comfort that we did deeds with wholeheartedness and love.

Over the course of my life I have done favours for people, spent money on them, helped them out etc yet expected something in return from whatever source; monetary, thanks, presents, praise....but I have learned that I choose who I do things for and what the task is and if I do it for someone I do it wholeheartedly, with love and expect zero back. I no longer bend over backwards for people, put myself out or change plans unless I want to or do things I don't want to do. It got me nowhere in the past.

We have had it instilled in us to be polite and have manners but just because we don't say thank you or reciprocate someones actions does not mean we are ungrateful. Perhaps the person who didn't say thank you is preoccupied or think they are a bit above themselves or you. The mere act of doing what is necessary to make something better for someone else is enough of a thank you. We can thank ourselves for being thoughtful and generous and in the right place at the right with the ability to do the act. How wonderful is that? We were there at the right time, the right place and we had the ability to help. Thank goodness you were there. The universe will thank you for your generosity too. It does;t have to be the person you did the deed for.

For example, if you donate some money, do it with sheer joy. Say to yourself 'I am grateful I have this money,  I am fortunate enough that I can afford to give it away and I give it to you wholeheartedly with love and hope it will help you get where you need to be'. Don't expect a thank you in return, just know that you helped someone because you were able to is the universe thanking you for being a good person. If the person or charity send you a thank you then that is the cherry on the cake. A nice addition to an already bloody lovely slice of cake.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

Coping with Grief.

It's taken me a while to write this post as a good friend of mine is suffering at the moment with the loss of a very close family member and anything I thought about writing seemed inadequate. But then I came across this photo this morning......

It summed up basically what I'd be trying to say in a nut shell.
I also wanted to share some advice, if you like about coping with the pain of grief. It's a difficult subject so I'll be as sensitive as I can be without hopefully patronising. Please don't take the things I write as being condescending, just take things from it that you find useful and ignore what you don't.
Please note that if you are experiencing grief for the loss of a child then this advice will probably not be helpful, it's a very sensitive area and I've not experience that type of grief so feel inadequate to offer advice on this.

It's hard to blanket advise anyone whose loved one has died because every death and grief is unique. Unique to person, time place, circumstances and cause.  People can sometimes blame themselves for the death such as not doing something sooner or making them go to the doctor earlier, the truth is you cannot be responsible for this. Unless you physically hurt the person who died then you are not responsible for their death. Adults are their own people and are responsible for their own health. You can only hope that if you ask someone you love you are concerned about to seek help, that they will. You could not have dragged them to the doctors and even then there may be a list of inadequacies even if they did seek help, it can be out of your hands as to getting the right treatment at the right time. All you can ever have done is be supportive and helpful.

My mums treatment was a catalogue of errors but even if they had found the cancer earlier she would not have survived. I did complain about the lax attitude of the GP but I was young and naive and didn't handle it right. If there are inadequacies and errors in the treatment of your loved one then by all means pursue and complain, health care inadequacies don't get sorted unless people complain. But make sure you are in a place emotionally and mentally where you are able to tackle it and cope with the stress it may cause. It might a actually be the thing you need to help you cope.

If you feel guilt because you didn't have an active part in the life of the loved one before they died then there is no room for it in your life now. You cannot change what happened, so feeling guilt over what you could've done is wasting valuable energy you need to be able to live in the here and now. Find a way to cope with the feeling of guilt and let it go. I envisage it as a ball sitting in my solar plexus and I imagine I take the ball in my hands and push it out and away from my body and believe I have gotten rid of it and put up a shield that it doesn't come back. If that sounds a but too new age for you, although it really works, then try reasoning.

Reasoning relies on the truth. Looking at the truth of the matter can release us from the burden of guilt.

Ask yourself these questions.

Could you change the situation?
No, because it's in the past and you cannot change the past. It's gone, there is nothing you can do about it.

Is it true that the person died because you were ineffective or inactive? No, because the person is their own person and responsible for their own health and care. If you weren't there when they were sick and dying then there must have been a reason for this. Again you can't change what happened all you can do is learn from it and change any future behaviour.

Do you believe you omitted or neglected to do something for the person whilst sick of dying or did something that expedited their death? Is this absolutely true? 100%? No, it is not because you are not that powerful as to stop death in it's tracks. One thing in the grand scheme of things will not have changed the outcome. Did your actions expedite the death? If it was an act of kindness and not harm then your actions were not responsible for the death coming sooner. Someone once said to me they felt guilty for rolling their dad over because he was uncomfortable and in pain yet he died whilst she was doing it and she felt her actions caused his death. It didn't, she did the best thing she could for her father at that point and that was what he wanted. Death was inevitable. No one could have stopped that.

Do you feel guilty you weren't there when the person died? Every situation is different but maybe you didn't need to be there when they died? Maybe the person who was dying chose to die when you weren't there to witness it? There is no way of knowing what a dying person is thinking and it may sound bizarre to think a dying person could chose when they want to die. No one will ever know if this is capable in reality but take comfort in that perhaps you weren't meant to be there. You were in the right place at the right time, right where you needed to be.. A friend said she felt guilty when her loved one died and she wasn't there but she was home taking care of her loved ones children so their father could go to the hospital and be with his wife. What a great honour and privilege of taking care of the ladies precious babies for her. That's exactly what she would have wanted.

Thinking of a relative or friend dying at home alone is horrific but you were not to know they were going to die at that time, unless they were seriously ill, in which case you would probably be by their side. If it was an elderly relative who wasn't ill and they died as a result of a fall or similar then you could not have done anything unless you were with them 24/7, which isn't possible or practical.


Anger is another part of grief. And it's justified. So go with it, within reason. Directing and dealing with the anger is the issue. Anger should not be dealt with by reckless behaviour such as drinking, drugs, promiscuous sex or overspending. We all know it's destructive, solves nothing and can create more problems. I'm guilty of doing it in the past. All it created was debt, hangovers, more guilt and unhappiness. Facing anger head on can be a huge undertaking so you need to find ways that suit you to be able to cope with it. In the midst of all that's going on finding something to appease the anger is tricky.

Finding a non destructive way for helping with anger, not controlling as such but letting it out can be difficult but not impossible. We lose track of boundaries and control methods when angry. Anger might well be a very new concept for you too. So where and what do we do with it?

Firstly, it's a part of grief and has to be gone through, both avoiding and prolonging anger is incredibly hurtful to the body and psych so sometimes you just need to go with it. Deferring it to a time and place that is more conducive to letting it out isn't always possible so if you find yourself in a position where something or someone is winding you up then remove yourself from the situation. Use all your strength to not explode at the person or situation and find a place to go let off steam, whether it be crying or just calming down away from anyone.

Physical exercise is a good way of getting rid of the build up of stress and tension in a body. It can be running, cycling, yoga, swimming or whatever you feel able and comfortable to do. Walking a dog in the country can be very good for the soul. Getting a massage can release a lot of tension and acupuncture can help a body deal with stress and anger. Grief counselling can also help even if it seems like a waste of time, speaking your feelings can be a release of tension and help dissipate anger. Talking about what makes you angry can be very therapeutic and help dissipate it.

And again if the thing that seems to be helping helps then do not feel guilt about spending time and money on it. It's very important to take care of self. I cannot stress that enough. If money is tight and you are paying for therapies then be frugal in other areas of your life to avoid getting into money trouble as well.

Emotional pain is an extremely difficult burden to carry. It messes with our head, our beliefs, our psych, our bodies and our hearts. It's like carrying a ball of concrete. It exhausts us, there is no tablet for it, it robs us of joy. How do we deal with it?

As described above, we need to look after ourselves first and foremost. Self care is incredibly important. Again, it's something that has to be endured and not shut away. Sometimes distraction is a great tactic for dealing with things we are enduring and we need a break from it but do not try and drown out the pain as it will only end up hurting you more in the long run. Allow yourself to do nothing, be unconstructive, sleep or do whatever it takes. Sometimes doing nothing is the best option.

Give in to it. If you can cry then cry. If you feel like you cannot stop crying then go with it. You'll stop eventually. Sometimes it comes when you really don't need it, again find somewhere you can go and have that cry. If it's in the workplace then telling your employer what you are going through, no matter how private you are, is needed. You don't have to tell them everything, just that you are struggling from the time being and need some leniency. It's not too much to ask of them. If you meet opposition and find it difficult to cope at work and can take time off then do it. It's you who is suffering, no one else. Put yourself first for the time being. Take time out and regroup. It may take a long time, or a couple of days might be all you need. It's your journey, no one else's. And it's not an admission of weakness. It takes a strong person to realise when they need to take time out.

Practicing gratitude at this time will probably seem like the last thing you want to do. Losing a loved one can be the single most devastating time in our lives. But being thankful for very small things from having a time and a place to cry to the fact you had the loved on in your life. This may seem contradictory but there is nothing that can be done to bring the loved one back and the fact they will miss future things in life will be a very bitter pill to swallow but practicing gratitude can be a very powerful and liberating.

Grief is atrocious. There's no two ways about it. It has to be endured and dealt with. It has to be carried and weighs us down until we are on our knees but it is not the end of your life. It can be overcome and it can be lived with. We just have to find a way through it, the best we can. As superficial as it sounds we are needed and valued others, whatever our circumstances.

Suicidal feelings do rear their ugly heads at the the most vulnerable times in our lives. They can come all the time and we may reach out and get talked down from that leap but the next day is the same. Not wanting to bother friends or family with these feelings can be a hurdle. That's where professional help can be of benefit. I've been there many times and somehow I have gotten through them. They have been my dark shadow for weeks on end at a time and fighting the urge has sometimes seemed impossible and I have given in to the feelings and looked for a way out. It only bought me further suffering and didn't heal anything. It's not the answer.

You may have never experienced suicidal feelings ever in your life before and they can be overwhelming. Just know, they do stop. They are an all consuming emotion but they do stop.

If you think you might be depressed or someone suggests it to you and it's been going on for a while then action is needed. Remember what I said about every adult being responsible for their own health? This includes mental health. It can be hard to find help but keep looking. I found great help in my acupuncturist. I couldn't find the help I needed with my GP or mental health services, although they weren't exactly unhelpful,  it just wasn't meant to be for me and you need to find a way for yourself. Researching, trying things out, reaching out to people. Be mindful that some things you try and some people may not be helpful and you may feel like giving up. Please don't just focus in your mind and heart that something will come along that will help ease the pain.

Bare in mind if you do receive counselling or help, that you are very vulnerable and if you feel like it's making you worse or conflicting your recovery then please stop the activity. Be careful who you tell your story to or offload on. Some people can be vultures at this time and prey on the vulnerable to their own ends and it's difficult to see these people for what they really are when grieving. If you feel someone has good intentions but you don't feel comfortable confiding in them, then don't and once again, do not carry that guilt. Take it and push it away, it's not another burden you need so don't own it.

As the photo says, their is no grief without having loved. It's the price we pay for having loved ones in our lives. But it's so much better to have loved and lost.

Be brave.Take care of you.

Unsupportive partners.

I met and married my ex husband with a year.I did this for various reasons but I knew in my heart and soul I had made a mistake but decided to go with it as undoing it seemed so much harder.
We met in the July and by the November  we were living in my house, which I had rented out whilst travelling. Within days I realised this guy wasn’t going to be one for helping round the house. I did lots of washing in the first month as he didn’t have a machine in his flat and when we knew we were moving he stopped using the launderette. Fair enough. But then when we had a machine, he didn’t do any laundry either. I kept thinking  ‘he’ll start to help soon’ but he never really did.
Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant and I was suffering horrendous pre natal depression, because of work and lack of support in the home and long days I was exhausted. I was chronically fatigued but not diagnosed and was bitter about not getting my maternity pay so ended up in a downward spiral and became severely depressed. I was so tired I couldn’t even wash my own hair. My husband, rather than helping a little couldn’t handle it and retreated into a shell. I felt very alone but I also imagine I was very difficult to live with. It was a very hot summer and sometimes all I wanted to do was go swimming to cool off but he’d get home and do anything to avoid going with me. I was suffering from paranoia at the time so going alone was difficult plus I wanted someone with me to talk to whilst there. Not much to ask eh?
Depression has always been hanging around in my life for years and it rears it’s ugly head when I am so exhausted I can’t go on and have to be off sick. These cycles went on for years before I was married and whilst I was married.
But now I am in a very supportive partnership, and I mean partnership as we are a team, I no longer have those times of complete frustration and apathy. I have days when I’m more tired than others but my partner is brilliant and does everything for me.
I hear so many women saying how unsupportive their partners are and I was once one of those women. I can’t speak for men as I don’t really know that many men and those I do, except my partner, are the ones who aren’t supportive.
My friends complain about their men not doing anything in the house or helping out when needed or taking the kids off their hands so she can just take a quiet bath or something like that. I’ve seen women so tired and stressed raising a child and/or children and working that they have been really ill. Yes. we want to be independent but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Some women can. Good for them.
I used to be so tired I’d let my daughter get away with things, just for a quiet life. Surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a lot of the time as I worked nights and developed insomnia. Yes, he was there to do the school run and let me sleep in sometimes but only when it was convenient to him. He would sometimes, although not often, come home late, say by an hour and I would be desperate to sleep as I’d be awake for 30 odd hours and he’d just say ‘oh I went to get my hair cut’ or something. I loved being with my daughter but I can’t remember the times I went for a haircut or a smear without a toddler or child in tow.
Women carry so much guilt not being with their kids. Men ‘babysit’ their children. Men most don’t bat an eyelid. I know it’s a genetic thing but genetics don’t dictate our role in the house or as caregivers.
When he lost his job I didn’t get any help aside from him looking after our daughter before and after school. I was ill again and spent 3 months getting better and when I had the energy did the house work. After 3 months of neglect it took me a good couple of weeks to catch up. In the time I’d been laid up, he had hardly done any housework except for the basics. I’m no clean freak but I kept on top of things when I was well despite the tiredness. Once when I was bitching about him never cleaning the bathroom, he said ‘well it looks like you don’t even do it’ my reply was ‘it would look a whole lot worse if I didn’t bother at all’.
He never experienced the tiredness and fatigue I did but because he was working full time and I was part time then it was my duty to do everything else. My brother had the same mind-set when he lived with me and I worked nights, because I was home all day then I could do the chores. He didn’t lift a finger and often left a note (in the days before mobiles) saying when the washing was done, could I put another load of his on? Seriously?
Now my ex is in a relationship with someone who does work full time so he does housework as they are a ‘team’ but neither does he run his web site anymore or have his loft to go work in either. It used to get to me that he thought so little of me that he could be so helpful with another woman but I know we weren’t suited or meant to be and the anger I felt was pointless, I was only hurting myself.
It appears depression related to lack of support from partners in women is quite common. Whether it be with children, illness or housework, it’s common place and I hear it all the time.
I think we know why it happens. Men aren’t cut out for domestic chores, apparently! Some do it so we know it can be done by a man. Men are the hunter gatherers so bring in the wage? Not always, they may work full time but still might not be bread winners. So what stops them lifting a finger when they get home? Who the hell knows.
In an article in the Guardian today about  men doing chores in return for sex apparently. I tried it. It doesn’t work and why shouldn’t a guy mop the floor without expecting sex? Why should a woman have sex with a guy because he tidied up? I want to have sex when we both feel like it and are in the mood for it. At end of the day some guys just don’t think housework is their work. It’s women’s work, as is raising the children and yes you still have to work otherwise you won’t have any money for yourself!
I don’t agree with not standing for your partner not doing his fair share, although this lady gets a high five off me! I also do not agree that they should be given a list and asked to do things. They should know what needs doing and do it for the family, for you and for themselves. It drives me insane!
My partner just gets on with things and as we only live in a small place and he’s home a lot, he just does it rather than sitting with his laptop searching for stuff on ebay or disappearing for the weekend ‘with the lads’. But he always says he has a lot more energy than me and he doesn’t mind doing anything so just cracks on with it so maybe some guys just don’t have the energy but don’t like to admit it?
But even if we lived in a bigger place and he worked away a lot, he would still spend time cleaning and tidying or whatever. And because I appreciate this immensely I don’t resent him so I enjoy the time we have together much more and I also respect him because he respects me. It leads to a very contented life.
So what is the answer? Personally for me I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have any respect for a guy who had so little respect for my daughter and I and pestering for sex, I deserved better. Plus, I didn’t love him so no brainer really but splitting a family apart hasn’t been without it’s problems.
I was scared to be alone and I had always struggled to keep my daughter in check and this was realised when I left. She got even worse with not going to bed or doing anything I asked. Her dad would only have her on the nights I worked so I hardly got a night to myself. I was either at work or had  my daughter. He was going to parties with the girls he was meeting or at the cinema seeing films I wanted to see. Plus I wondered how he could afford it all as he hardly earned much and as a result gave me hardly anything for child support. He was also keeping our martial home spotless and even ironing bedding! He hadn’t changed the sheets, let alone ironed them whilst we were together.
I managed for a year alone before I moved back in with him, into the spare room, I naively though he must be a changed man. My daughter wanted her mum and dad back together and I wanted a rest. Not the smartest idea because whilst we were apart and seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman, but it didn’t last when I moved back in. The housework stopped getting done by him and left to me but he did do the shopping for himself and our daughter, as I used to spend too much.
Needless to say it didn’t last and we separated.
I suppose the other solution is learning to live with it. That’s a humungous task but if you’re up to it then you probably aren’t bothered your guy isn’t supportive anyway otherwise I think you’ll maybe need a great deal of patience and willpower!
I see some friends and acquaintances and feel so angry their guys don’t lift a finger. But that is their journey, their life. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just have to listen and understand and hope one day it’ll change for them.
I also warn my daughter that there are things she needs to not accept when she lives with a guy and that is that if he doesn’t pull his weight then get the hell out of there. She’s still young but if it sticks in her head and finds a guy that does his fair share then I’ll be happy. To have her in a relationship where she is ground down by work, chores and childcare would leave me with a very heavy heart.
She deserves better. We all do. And it’s not much to ask.
I doubt there will be any guys who fit the ‘no chores’ category will be reading this and if they are I doubt it will make them change their minds about supporting their partners. So it’s up to the girls to not stand for it before it’s too late and being stuck with it for years.

                                 

You get what you give?

This statement appeared on a social media site I'm subscribed to. It has a lot of people’s backs up so on reading the comments I decided to do a blog post on my take of it.
A little background- I have been through loss of a loved one, separation from a child, being heavily in debt, not having a penny to my name and not being able to pay bills, divorce and sexual assault. So I have had a fair bit of trauma in my life.
I've experienced crippling bouts of depression and chronic illness. This is just so you know I'm not from a privileged background. I have felt pain and anguish on a fairly big scale.
Ok, first let’s look at the statement-'you get what you give'.
For me it's missing substance and is a sweeping generalisation. Something I've learned from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sweeping statements are not the truth. If a person gives hatred to someone, they will get it back? Not necessarily. If a person gives love they will get it back? Probably not. If we devote ourselves to 'God', the poor, the needy, the dying, the sick or whatever less fortunate group we chose, does that mean we will always get good things in life and nothing bad will happen? Absolutely not.
Here's why. Being a person that goes out of their way to help or does loads of things for someone or something does not automatically mean that in return a person is entitled to good things because that person is probably doing those things in order to appear good to receive good things. I know I've done it myself and whinged about it afterwards that 'I did all these things for so and so and they didn't even say thank you'. The thank you is not necessary if a person did the deed with total love and giving. Not sacrificing themselves for the greater good but actually feeling love when the deed is being done. You will not get love in return as you did it with conditions that demanded 'I will have good things done for and to me because I have done good things for people and causes.'
Stay with me....ok so say you see a woman with a pushchair and she looks really harassed and in a hurry so you open a door for her or step out her way. She doesn't even acknowledge you. What do you think then? Jeez, what an ignorant woman? How rude? Probably.However, how about look at it this way. The woman is quite clearly distressed and her head is full of all sorts of things. She's probably stressed to the max and so she's not thinking straight. Maybe you should think 'thank goodness I am able to open the door for that lady' or 'thank goodness I don't have that kind of stress to deal with.' But you could also think 'thank goodness I was there at the right time to open the door for that lady, that made her life a bit easier, if only for one moment.' You got the satisfaction you were there at the right time and place to help that lady. That’s your reward, not the thank you. You gave your time and energy to open the door and you got a feeling of wellbeing from it.
No need for a thank you from her as you did the act with love and practiced gratitude for your life. Maybe in the future someone will be there to open the door for you when you are laden with bags or in a rush? Maybe you won't thank the person that did it for you but there's not always a need if that person opened the door with unconditional love.
There are some people in the world who are ignorant and/or narcissistic and/or arrogant. They think they are entitled for the door to be opened for them, always and they would never open a door for anyone. So do they get what they give? Probably, because they gave out a sense of entitlement and got what they wanted.
If you are already worried about money what happens? An unexpected bill pops up. Your car breaks down. The washing machine packs up. If you worry about your health, you become ill, sometimes, not always. If you obsess that you want a relationship, you’ll attract the wrong person in because you are displaying desperation. How does that relate to ‘you get what you give’? Well you are projecting thoughts about negative situations so therefore the universe answers what you’ve been thinking about. So therefore think positive thoughts? And practice gratitude you are fortunate enough to afford a new washing machine, yes it’s inconvenient and costly but when you go to pay for it hand over the money with gratitude and love that you are fortunate enough to be able to afford such luxury and someone had the knowhow and provision to build such an efficient machine and you can wash your clothes conveniently and without too much hardship. I got a washing machine because I gave my time and earned the money for it. Thank goodness!
In a previous post I talked about attraction and getting what I wanted. What I should have done back then is said to myself 'right I've lost mum, I'm devastated but I don't want any more bad things to happen to me so I need to be grateful for what I do have and think about what I do want.' Very difficult when someone is suffering grief but I think it can be done. I know people who have faced adversity and have overcome some of the most terrible things by refusing to let more bad stuff happen.
Why did I attract more bad things into my life when I was already suffering? Because I thought I deserved it? Maybe. Probably. Most likely. But if I had focused on the good things in my life after her death and what I definitely did want then the further bad things would not have happened. I was desperate to be loved, as I'd lost the person I most loved in the world. That was the answer. A boyfriend. Someone to love but instead of saying 'I want a guy who will respect what has happened to me and work with me on this and not be selfish' I just focused on 'anyone will do so long as they pay attention to me'. I was given someone who wasn't good for me and it made me feel worse which led to an overdose. It was a self-perpetuating prophecy. If I think 'oh well, I deserved that' or 'there's no surprise there' I got what I believed to be what I deserved.
So back to the quote. I give and give and I am loving and nice yet I get bad things happening, why? Because I didn't expect anything good to happen to myself and I wasn't grateful for what I did have. I attracted more bad into my life by thinking bad thoughts on situations I had no control over.
But I have been on the other side of a situation such as the losing a loved one. I went through a very traumatic time when my daughter went to live with her dad and there were a lot of mitigating factors around the situation such as I kept having destructive relationships and bad things kept happening to the point that again I overdosed as I was at rock bottom. I found it difficult to deal with my daughter going to live with her dad and giving him the control over her life when previously he hadn't been interested in her at all. I felt a failure. Then he took me to the CSA (child support agency) so I was faced with financial pressure and his girlfriend was interfering and my relationship with my daughter fraught and I had issues in my new relationship. I was incredibly bitter that my ex had found someone who he loved but not only affluent and they were going away on holiday and I was stuck at home poor, having bad relationships. I think my ex is a person who will always attract good as he thinks he deserves it but he's not a particularly kind or caring person. I wished him ill but then thought 'no because if I wish him ill, it might backfire on me' but I couldn't find it in my heart to wish well. Basically I crumbled and took to my bed through sheer exhaustion and frustration and stress. I could have handled it very differently.
I still struggle a little with it now but it's getting better because I'm happy but I too got what I wished for. I said 'no more spongers, no more unkind, selfish guys in my life. I want one that is kind, compassionate, caring, loving, romantic and selfless.' I got it. He came when I least expected it as I was happy to be on my own. I had still had things with him I needed to work through and vice versa and it was a straightforward road, it was bumpy. I nearly gave in a couple of times but we worked it out, he also has had a big learning curve to climb.
All that has happened has led to very momentous time in my life and a massive change. I am still dealing with things and working through them. Constantly trying to get everything right in my mind and live with my actions. It’s hard work.
But had those things in the past not happened, I wouldn’t be here today, right where I need to be.
When it comes to abuse, trauma and illness can we then apply this thinking to the quote?
I’d have a hard time backing up anyone who said ‘that happened to you because you didn’t practice gratitude.’ You got what you gave? No, you didn’t. But you can choose to let the action take you down or you can choose to still be grateful for all the things you do have. Learn to deal with the anger and pain and hurt so it doesn’t destroy you.
Victims of abuse can't always help what happens to them or stop it and they aren't getting what they gave because they didn't give abuse. These kinds of sayings are sweeping and sometimes not helpful in extreme circumstances. I didn't invite the death of my mum in but I chose to destroy myself over it.

Then I stopped wishing myself out of the hole I was in. I just had to 'know' everything would be ok. I had gotten myself out of holes before, I could do it again. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, mostly, it's taken time trust me and I stopped being a victim. I stopped giving all my energy to the hatred of my ex and feeling bitter. It was I who was hurting me. I begrudged giving him child support as he was going on fancy holidays and having a lovely life but then I read in the book 'The Secret' to give with love, including money, means we will attract it back. I've always had a thing about being broke but I don't think that anymore. I attracted a solution into my life to the problem I had and I'm very grateful for it, every day, all the time! I can't control what my ex does with the money I give him but somewhere along the line it will benefit my daughter. If it doesn't then that is my ex's problem to deal with. He makes that choice and he will get what he gives too. I was very bitter about the amount of money I had to give him in the divorce. It wasn't fair as I'd had no choice but to let my daughter go and live with him so therefore he got more money as the resident parent. But I started to think, it's not my money anyway and I've got a great life. The life I had always wanted. He was in debt and he has my daughter most of the time, let him have the money. Let him do with it what he pleases and hope he makes a good decision with it. But I think the money will soon be gone. But there is nothing I can do about it so I let it go.
When a bad thing happens we can chose to continue to hurt ourselves or we can choose to not hurt ourselves. That's our choice, not the perpetrators. And sometimes bad things happen because we put ourselves in a vulnerable place or don't tell the world we aren't going to accept something. Maybe being vulnerable, a perpetrator took the opportunity to cease the situation to their own sick advantage. But its how it's dealt with afterwards that counts too. You don't have to be strong as such just say to the world 'I'm not going to take this crap anymore' and find a way, make a plan of how you are going to get out of being the perpetual victim.
Practicing gratitude works for me and it can't do any harm. Do not give those bad thoughts room in your head. Focus on something you want. Trust it'll come to you and believe it will come to you. Getting what you give isn't fail safe and all encompassing; they are infinite amounts of conditions that could affect what happens to us.
Bad thoughts still come into my head and heart now. They come in and sometimes I entertain them but I know if I entertain them I am asking them to come to fruition. I will only do things I want to do and I will do them with love and wholeheartedness. I refuse to be a victim anymore also and I refuse to believe bad things will happen but if they do, I hope I can deal with them and they won't drive me down into that dark place again. I'm learning and educating myself every day and I've gotten myself out of a black hole once again and I intend to stay out of it.
If you gave all you could (100%) to a cause such as sport or fundraising for example then you could expect to receive a good return on investment? But the same cannot be said when human beings and emotions are involved. Human beings are are unique unpredictable creatures. We cannot presume because we have done something for the greater good of mankind we can expect things in return. We shouldn't anyway.
So do we get what we give? Not always, it’s too general a statement, but we can learn to be grateful for the things we do get and we can give with total unconditional love and this brings good things into our lives to outweigh the bad.

Things have moved on.

February 2015.
I've learned a lot in the last few months and things have taken a different direction for me. We are moving to the States next month for one thing. My partner got offered a job over there with his company. At the time he put the suggestion to me I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to live in the States or at least travel around the States. I was also at a point where I was sick of the falling out and just wanted to run away. I've always been like that. I just want to run away when things get too much.

Things were still pretty messy last summer, my relationship with my daughter wasn't the greatest. We butted heads most of the time. She has always managed to wrap me round her little finger and I give in too easily. She is a mobile 'phone and screen addict and if she's not looking at 1,2 or 3 screens she's 'bored'. I had very little energy to do anything so to wrestle the screens off her and try and get her to interact or do something with us was painful so I just didn't bother now she has no choice. And if she whinges (she seems to know when I'm flagging because the whinging gets more intense!) I ignore it or punish her for it. Seems easy solution eh? But I get dragged right back to my childhood and I think of me in her shoes and I feel sorry for her or bad. But being lenient doesn't do us any favours. And no that I have more energy I can stick to my guns.

I was also butting heads rather a lot with my ex and his girlfriend and just wanted to be away from it all. The divorce had started and the ex wanted ALL the profits from the house.So a fight ensued and basically yet again I had to admit defeat and give in or risk losing half my pension. I had to do what I could live with. And since practicing gratitude I can be grateful with what I've got rather than what I have lost.

This leads me on to the victim thing. I have learned over the last few months that I was a victim, I made myself a victim. I no longer chose to be a victim. Yes, sometimes things are hard to deal with but I can chose to lay down and weep or make the best of the situation and find a positive.

Positivity is not something I have done very well, the glass is always half full but you know what? Who gets anything from being so negative? Do good things happen to negative people? No, they don't.
Plus, I don't want to play being a victim anymore as it just attracts more drama. Instead now I practice gratitude. Mainly because of the book . There are many of these types of books out there but this one seems to sit right with me. I practice gratitude in everything I do and I seem to be much better for it. My wonderful partner is also a very positive person and he inspires me to see the positive in everything. No matter what the situation. He could have written The Secret to be honest! I guess living all the time with this kind of person eventually rubs off.

I have trouble making my mind up about how I see the world. There is always two sides to every argument, mostly, and I have trouble putting my faith in one side or the other. I can never totally subscribe to something because they/it will always do something to let me down and disappoint me. For example, I went to Buddhist meditation when I was really ill once and was hoping it would have the answers I needed. Only to listen to a teaching that went on to talk about depression as a punishment for something one did in their past life. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for that! Not in the here and now! Plus , one of the monks was wearing leather sandals and using a mobile 'phone. If I subscribe to something it has to wholeheartedly. No half measure. So I have just cherry picked most things and created my own 'religion' in some respects. But my thinking get challenged every day and just when I think I've gotten a handle on something, an idea or inspiration comes flying out of nowhere and boom, thinking altered once again.


Regarding my last post and antidepressants; I am off them totally now and only take my mood stabiliser for sleep as I love it makes me sleep! Insomnia is my sworn enemy. It was ok having insomnia before because I would just sleep when I could but now I don't want to be ruining my day having to go for a sleep then being awake half the night.

So I ask myself the question, if I can be off antidepressants now and haven't felt depressed except for the very odd occasion, why was I on them for years? To be perfectly honest I think it was the situation I was in. That's a whole different post. Plus I've had it mentioned more than once that I have probably got chronic fatigue syndrome and depression is a subcategory to this rather than depression first then fatigue. I know I can feel feel fatigue and not depression, that's for sure.

I did manage, with the help of my partner, to change my job and work agency so I could at least pick my own shifts but the long hours still took their toll. Fortunately, not for much longer.
However, I haven't kept up the acupuncture. Many reasons really but mostly financial as last year finances were a bit tough. As soon as some money came in, it went out again. But now I look at finances in a totally different way too. I don't chase money instead I practice feeling that I will get what I need and give money gratefully. For example; when I give my ex money for our daughter, I no longer begrudge it but give it with love. It takes some time to get the hang of but it really works.