My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

Coping with suicidal feelings of a loved one.

Having a loved one suffering form suicidal feelings can be distressing, exhausting both mentally and physically and confusing. If you have never experienced any kind of feelings like this it can be hard to understand and comprehend. Its difficult to describe these feelings to someone who has never experienced them.

From personal experience the feeling can be like a pit of blackness. A very dark and painful place. Suicidal feelings can lead to physical pains and feelings. A heaviness that is impossible to shake off. It's debilitating and robs us of all feelings other than feeling dreadful. It can leave a person unable to move and confined to bed. It can go hand in hand with physical illness and the two can be confused as to which came first.

Depending on the circumstances of your loved ones illness, depends on how to approach helping them. But generally speaking offering a supportive and caring environment is the least you have to do. Some people may find this a challenge as they fail to see where the suicidal loved one is coming from but all you need to do is not try to understand but offer a safe and supportive place where your loved one can feel sheltered from the outside world, which may be a very scary place when feeling so vulnerable.

Offer love and affection if they can cope with it but do not withhold it as a punishment because you lack understanding of the feelings. The same goes the other way, do not force affection on someone if they feeling vulnerable. You may think of course no one would do that but it has been known and can lead to further feelings of inadequacy and anger.

Encourage the sufferer to self care or help with their care. Wash, brush teeth, run them a bath, offer to wash their hair for them. This may seem as making the sufferer take on a child like role but when feeling utterly helpless the last thing they could be capable of is self care. Depression and suicidal feelings are part of an illness. If your loved one had cancer or a chronic physical illness you would do the same for them with a blink of the eye. Depression can be very physically debilitating and lack of self care can lead to further feelings of inadequacy.

Talk openly with your loved one. Encourage them to open up about their feelings. They may be painful for you to hear and cope with but you are in a greater position to deal with them than the sufferer. If you are finding it hard to deal with what you have been told then find an avenue of help. It could be writing a journal, counselling, talking to a confident or your GP. But be careful who you share your story to, you are very vulnerable as well and you need to find help in the right place but equally do not hold your feelings in. It can be very hurtful to yourself to allow that to happen.

Telling the sufferer how they are making you feel may help them realise that they need to get help and that you are suffering too, however, it may be a hard confession for them to deal with. Only you will be able to gage when is an appropriate time to share that you are suffering also. Therefore it may be more appropriate to seek counselling yourself rather than burden the sufferer even more.

Gently remind the sufferer of the good things in life. How much they are loved by their family and friends. But don't tell them they are selfish feeling the way they do for thinking of ending their own lives. It will only serve to make them feel worse. Reminding them they are loved isn't a ploy at 'snapping them out of it'. It's just to get them to see a little light in the darkness. But be aware it can make them feel even more guilty that they feel that way. It is a case of treating every situation and individual as unique.

Go to their appointments with them if they are having therapy. If they are happy for you to accompany them. You don't have to sit in the room with them as therapy is a very private and personal experience but if you have the time and they appreciate the sentiment, go with them.

The whole experience can be just as exhausting for you. So make sure you take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty about doing something for yourself. If your loved one is expressing that they want to hurt themselves then you cannot physically be there 24/7 to stop them doing what they feel compelled to do. You are the wall between them and the outcome but if they are determined they will do it anyway. You cannot take responsibility for that. They need professional help and maybe even hospitalisation. Be prepared that a hospital stay may be needed. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It could save your loved ones life.

If your loved one is obsessing over suicidal ideation then action needs to be taken. Encourage the person to seek help immediately as it is out of your realms of capability to ensure their safety. If you find them actively hurting themselves you can call emergency services or get them to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible.

Keeping objects of potential harm out the way can prevent a knee jerk reaction to hurting themselves but not always practical. With the best will in the world you cannot remove everything out of the way. If this is the case then they need to be in hospital on suicide watch. People can find ways to hurt themselves in the unlikeliest objects even if they are on suicide watch. If you find that you cannot cope with the situation anymore then seek help immediately before you become depressed yourself. It's quite possible you can suffer from reactionary depression due the stress and pressure you may feel under keeping everything together.

Just know that none of it is your fault and it's not your loved ones fault either. And suicidal feelings do not last. They may come and go but they don't last forever.

Do whatever you can to look after yourself and do not feel guilty about self care. It may only be needed for a short while. Have a massage or go out for coffee with a good friend, whatever it takes to make yourself feel good and better about the situation. It is your right be happy and healthy.

Coping with Grief.

It's taken me a while to write this post as a good friend of mine is suffering at the moment with the loss of a very close family member and anything I thought about writing seemed inadequate. But then I came across this photo this morning......

It summed up basically what I'd be trying to say in a nut shell.
I also wanted to share some advice, if you like about coping with the pain of grief. It's a difficult subject so I'll be as sensitive as I can be without hopefully patronising. Please don't take the things I write as being condescending, just take things from it that you find useful and ignore what you don't.
Please note that if you are experiencing grief for the loss of a child then this advice will probably not be helpful, it's a very sensitive area and I've not experience that type of grief so feel inadequate to offer advice on this.

It's hard to blanket advise anyone whose loved one has died because every death and grief is unique. Unique to person, time place, circumstances and cause.  People can sometimes blame themselves for the death such as not doing something sooner or making them go to the doctor earlier, the truth is you cannot be responsible for this. Unless you physically hurt the person who died then you are not responsible for their death. Adults are their own people and are responsible for their own health. You can only hope that if you ask someone you love you are concerned about to seek help, that they will. You could not have dragged them to the doctors and even then there may be a list of inadequacies even if they did seek help, it can be out of your hands as to getting the right treatment at the right time. All you can ever have done is be supportive and helpful.

My mums treatment was a catalogue of errors but even if they had found the cancer earlier she would not have survived. I did complain about the lax attitude of the GP but I was young and naive and didn't handle it right. If there are inadequacies and errors in the treatment of your loved one then by all means pursue and complain, health care inadequacies don't get sorted unless people complain. But make sure you are in a place emotionally and mentally where you are able to tackle it and cope with the stress it may cause. It might a actually be the thing you need to help you cope.

If you feel guilt because you didn't have an active part in the life of the loved one before they died then there is no room for it in your life now. You cannot change what happened, so feeling guilt over what you could've done is wasting valuable energy you need to be able to live in the here and now. Find a way to cope with the feeling of guilt and let it go. I envisage it as a ball sitting in my solar plexus and I imagine I take the ball in my hands and push it out and away from my body and believe I have gotten rid of it and put up a shield that it doesn't come back. If that sounds a but too new age for you, although it really works, then try reasoning.

Reasoning relies on the truth. Looking at the truth of the matter can release us from the burden of guilt.

Ask yourself these questions.

Could you change the situation?
No, because it's in the past and you cannot change the past. It's gone, there is nothing you can do about it.

Is it true that the person died because you were ineffective or inactive? No, because the person is their own person and responsible for their own health and care. If you weren't there when they were sick and dying then there must have been a reason for this. Again you can't change what happened all you can do is learn from it and change any future behaviour.

Do you believe you omitted or neglected to do something for the person whilst sick of dying or did something that expedited their death? Is this absolutely true? 100%? No, it is not because you are not that powerful as to stop death in it's tracks. One thing in the grand scheme of things will not have changed the outcome. Did your actions expedite the death? If it was an act of kindness and not harm then your actions were not responsible for the death coming sooner. Someone once said to me they felt guilty for rolling their dad over because he was uncomfortable and in pain yet he died whilst she was doing it and she felt her actions caused his death. It didn't, she did the best thing she could for her father at that point and that was what he wanted. Death was inevitable. No one could have stopped that.

Do you feel guilty you weren't there when the person died? Every situation is different but maybe you didn't need to be there when they died? Maybe the person who was dying chose to die when you weren't there to witness it? There is no way of knowing what a dying person is thinking and it may sound bizarre to think a dying person could chose when they want to die. No one will ever know if this is capable in reality but take comfort in that perhaps you weren't meant to be there. You were in the right place at the right time, right where you needed to be.. A friend said she felt guilty when her loved one died and she wasn't there but she was home taking care of her loved ones children so their father could go to the hospital and be with his wife. What a great honour and privilege of taking care of the ladies precious babies for her. That's exactly what she would have wanted.

Thinking of a relative or friend dying at home alone is horrific but you were not to know they were going to die at that time, unless they were seriously ill, in which case you would probably be by their side. If it was an elderly relative who wasn't ill and they died as a result of a fall or similar then you could not have done anything unless you were with them 24/7, which isn't possible or practical.


Anger is another part of grief. And it's justified. So go with it, within reason. Directing and dealing with the anger is the issue. Anger should not be dealt with by reckless behaviour such as drinking, drugs, promiscuous sex or overspending. We all know it's destructive, solves nothing and can create more problems. I'm guilty of doing it in the past. All it created was debt, hangovers, more guilt and unhappiness. Facing anger head on can be a huge undertaking so you need to find ways that suit you to be able to cope with it. In the midst of all that's going on finding something to appease the anger is tricky.

Finding a non destructive way for helping with anger, not controlling as such but letting it out can be difficult but not impossible. We lose track of boundaries and control methods when angry. Anger might well be a very new concept for you too. So where and what do we do with it?

Firstly, it's a part of grief and has to be gone through, both avoiding and prolonging anger is incredibly hurtful to the body and psych so sometimes you just need to go with it. Deferring it to a time and place that is more conducive to letting it out isn't always possible so if you find yourself in a position where something or someone is winding you up then remove yourself from the situation. Use all your strength to not explode at the person or situation and find a place to go let off steam, whether it be crying or just calming down away from anyone.

Physical exercise is a good way of getting rid of the build up of stress and tension in a body. It can be running, cycling, yoga, swimming or whatever you feel able and comfortable to do. Walking a dog in the country can be very good for the soul. Getting a massage can release a lot of tension and acupuncture can help a body deal with stress and anger. Grief counselling can also help even if it seems like a waste of time, speaking your feelings can be a release of tension and help dissipate anger. Talking about what makes you angry can be very therapeutic and help dissipate it.

And again if the thing that seems to be helping helps then do not feel guilt about spending time and money on it. It's very important to take care of self. I cannot stress that enough. If money is tight and you are paying for therapies then be frugal in other areas of your life to avoid getting into money trouble as well.

Emotional pain is an extremely difficult burden to carry. It messes with our head, our beliefs, our psych, our bodies and our hearts. It's like carrying a ball of concrete. It exhausts us, there is no tablet for it, it robs us of joy. How do we deal with it?

As described above, we need to look after ourselves first and foremost. Self care is incredibly important. Again, it's something that has to be endured and not shut away. Sometimes distraction is a great tactic for dealing with things we are enduring and we need a break from it but do not try and drown out the pain as it will only end up hurting you more in the long run. Allow yourself to do nothing, be unconstructive, sleep or do whatever it takes. Sometimes doing nothing is the best option.

Give in to it. If you can cry then cry. If you feel like you cannot stop crying then go with it. You'll stop eventually. Sometimes it comes when you really don't need it, again find somewhere you can go and have that cry. If it's in the workplace then telling your employer what you are going through, no matter how private you are, is needed. You don't have to tell them everything, just that you are struggling from the time being and need some leniency. It's not too much to ask of them. If you meet opposition and find it difficult to cope at work and can take time off then do it. It's you who is suffering, no one else. Put yourself first for the time being. Take time out and regroup. It may take a long time, or a couple of days might be all you need. It's your journey, no one else's. And it's not an admission of weakness. It takes a strong person to realise when they need to take time out.

Practicing gratitude at this time will probably seem like the last thing you want to do. Losing a loved one can be the single most devastating time in our lives. But being thankful for very small things from having a time and a place to cry to the fact you had the loved on in your life. This may seem contradictory but there is nothing that can be done to bring the loved one back and the fact they will miss future things in life will be a very bitter pill to swallow but practicing gratitude can be a very powerful and liberating.

Grief is atrocious. There's no two ways about it. It has to be endured and dealt with. It has to be carried and weighs us down until we are on our knees but it is not the end of your life. It can be overcome and it can be lived with. We just have to find a way through it, the best we can. As superficial as it sounds we are needed and valued others, whatever our circumstances.

Suicidal feelings do rear their ugly heads at the the most vulnerable times in our lives. They can come all the time and we may reach out and get talked down from that leap but the next day is the same. Not wanting to bother friends or family with these feelings can be a hurdle. That's where professional help can be of benefit. I've been there many times and somehow I have gotten through them. They have been my dark shadow for weeks on end at a time and fighting the urge has sometimes seemed impossible and I have given in to the feelings and looked for a way out. It only bought me further suffering and didn't heal anything. It's not the answer.

You may have never experienced suicidal feelings ever in your life before and they can be overwhelming. Just know, they do stop. They are an all consuming emotion but they do stop.

If you think you might be depressed or someone suggests it to you and it's been going on for a while then action is needed. Remember what I said about every adult being responsible for their own health? This includes mental health. It can be hard to find help but keep looking. I found great help in my acupuncturist. I couldn't find the help I needed with my GP or mental health services, although they weren't exactly unhelpful,  it just wasn't meant to be for me and you need to find a way for yourself. Researching, trying things out, reaching out to people. Be mindful that some things you try and some people may not be helpful and you may feel like giving up. Please don't just focus in your mind and heart that something will come along that will help ease the pain.

Bare in mind if you do receive counselling or help, that you are very vulnerable and if you feel like it's making you worse or conflicting your recovery then please stop the activity. Be careful who you tell your story to or offload on. Some people can be vultures at this time and prey on the vulnerable to their own ends and it's difficult to see these people for what they really are when grieving. If you feel someone has good intentions but you don't feel comfortable confiding in them, then don't and once again, do not carry that guilt. Take it and push it away, it's not another burden you need so don't own it.

As the photo says, their is no grief without having loved. It's the price we pay for having loved ones in our lives. But it's so much better to have loved and lost.

Be brave.Take care of you.

Unsupportive partners.

I met and married my ex husband with a year.I did this for various reasons but I knew in my heart and soul I had made a mistake but decided to go with it as undoing it seemed so much harder.
We met in the July and by the November  we were living in my house, which I had rented out whilst travelling. Within days I realised this guy wasn’t going to be one for helping round the house. I did lots of washing in the first month as he didn’t have a machine in his flat and when we knew we were moving he stopped using the launderette. Fair enough. But then when we had a machine, he didn’t do any laundry either. I kept thinking  ‘he’ll start to help soon’ but he never really did.
Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant and I was suffering horrendous pre natal depression, because of work and lack of support in the home and long days I was exhausted. I was chronically fatigued but not diagnosed and was bitter about not getting my maternity pay so ended up in a downward spiral and became severely depressed. I was so tired I couldn’t even wash my own hair. My husband, rather than helping a little couldn’t handle it and retreated into a shell. I felt very alone but I also imagine I was very difficult to live with. It was a very hot summer and sometimes all I wanted to do was go swimming to cool off but he’d get home and do anything to avoid going with me. I was suffering from paranoia at the time so going alone was difficult plus I wanted someone with me to talk to whilst there. Not much to ask eh?
Depression has always been hanging around in my life for years and it rears it’s ugly head when I am so exhausted I can’t go on and have to be off sick. These cycles went on for years before I was married and whilst I was married.
But now I am in a very supportive partnership, and I mean partnership as we are a team, I no longer have those times of complete frustration and apathy. I have days when I’m more tired than others but my partner is brilliant and does everything for me.
I hear so many women saying how unsupportive their partners are and I was once one of those women. I can’t speak for men as I don’t really know that many men and those I do, except my partner, are the ones who aren’t supportive.
My friends complain about their men not doing anything in the house or helping out when needed or taking the kids off their hands so she can just take a quiet bath or something like that. I’ve seen women so tired and stressed raising a child and/or children and working that they have been really ill. Yes. we want to be independent but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Some women can. Good for them.
I used to be so tired I’d let my daughter get away with things, just for a quiet life. Surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a lot of the time as I worked nights and developed insomnia. Yes, he was there to do the school run and let me sleep in sometimes but only when it was convenient to him. He would sometimes, although not often, come home late, say by an hour and I would be desperate to sleep as I’d be awake for 30 odd hours and he’d just say ‘oh I went to get my hair cut’ or something. I loved being with my daughter but I can’t remember the times I went for a haircut or a smear without a toddler or child in tow.
Women carry so much guilt not being with their kids. Men ‘babysit’ their children. Men most don’t bat an eyelid. I know it’s a genetic thing but genetics don’t dictate our role in the house or as caregivers.
When he lost his job I didn’t get any help aside from him looking after our daughter before and after school. I was ill again and spent 3 months getting better and when I had the energy did the house work. After 3 months of neglect it took me a good couple of weeks to catch up. In the time I’d been laid up, he had hardly done any housework except for the basics. I’m no clean freak but I kept on top of things when I was well despite the tiredness. Once when I was bitching about him never cleaning the bathroom, he said ‘well it looks like you don’t even do it’ my reply was ‘it would look a whole lot worse if I didn’t bother at all’.
He never experienced the tiredness and fatigue I did but because he was working full time and I was part time then it was my duty to do everything else. My brother had the same mind-set when he lived with me and I worked nights, because I was home all day then I could do the chores. He didn’t lift a finger and often left a note (in the days before mobiles) saying when the washing was done, could I put another load of his on? Seriously?
Now my ex is in a relationship with someone who does work full time so he does housework as they are a ‘team’ but neither does he run his web site anymore or have his loft to go work in either. It used to get to me that he thought so little of me that he could be so helpful with another woman but I know we weren’t suited or meant to be and the anger I felt was pointless, I was only hurting myself.
It appears depression related to lack of support from partners in women is quite common. Whether it be with children, illness or housework, it’s common place and I hear it all the time.
I think we know why it happens. Men aren’t cut out for domestic chores, apparently! Some do it so we know it can be done by a man. Men are the hunter gatherers so bring in the wage? Not always, they may work full time but still might not be bread winners. So what stops them lifting a finger when they get home? Who the hell knows.
In an article in the Guardian today about  men doing chores in return for sex apparently. I tried it. It doesn’t work and why shouldn’t a guy mop the floor without expecting sex? Why should a woman have sex with a guy because he tidied up? I want to have sex when we both feel like it and are in the mood for it. At end of the day some guys just don’t think housework is their work. It’s women’s work, as is raising the children and yes you still have to work otherwise you won’t have any money for yourself!
I don’t agree with not standing for your partner not doing his fair share, although this lady gets a high five off me! I also do not agree that they should be given a list and asked to do things. They should know what needs doing and do it for the family, for you and for themselves. It drives me insane!
My partner just gets on with things and as we only live in a small place and he’s home a lot, he just does it rather than sitting with his laptop searching for stuff on ebay or disappearing for the weekend ‘with the lads’. But he always says he has a lot more energy than me and he doesn’t mind doing anything so just cracks on with it so maybe some guys just don’t have the energy but don’t like to admit it?
But even if we lived in a bigger place and he worked away a lot, he would still spend time cleaning and tidying or whatever. And because I appreciate this immensely I don’t resent him so I enjoy the time we have together much more and I also respect him because he respects me. It leads to a very contented life.
So what is the answer? Personally for me I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have any respect for a guy who had so little respect for my daughter and I and pestering for sex, I deserved better. Plus, I didn’t love him so no brainer really but splitting a family apart hasn’t been without it’s problems.
I was scared to be alone and I had always struggled to keep my daughter in check and this was realised when I left. She got even worse with not going to bed or doing anything I asked. Her dad would only have her on the nights I worked so I hardly got a night to myself. I was either at work or had  my daughter. He was going to parties with the girls he was meeting or at the cinema seeing films I wanted to see. Plus I wondered how he could afford it all as he hardly earned much and as a result gave me hardly anything for child support. He was also keeping our martial home spotless and even ironing bedding! He hadn’t changed the sheets, let alone ironed them whilst we were together.
I managed for a year alone before I moved back in with him, into the spare room, I naively though he must be a changed man. My daughter wanted her mum and dad back together and I wanted a rest. Not the smartest idea because whilst we were apart and seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman, but it didn’t last when I moved back in. The housework stopped getting done by him and left to me but he did do the shopping for himself and our daughter, as I used to spend too much.
Needless to say it didn’t last and we separated.
I suppose the other solution is learning to live with it. That’s a humungous task but if you’re up to it then you probably aren’t bothered your guy isn’t supportive anyway otherwise I think you’ll maybe need a great deal of patience and willpower!
I see some friends and acquaintances and feel so angry their guys don’t lift a finger. But that is their journey, their life. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just have to listen and understand and hope one day it’ll change for them.
I also warn my daughter that there are things she needs to not accept when she lives with a guy and that is that if he doesn’t pull his weight then get the hell out of there. She’s still young but if it sticks in her head and finds a guy that does his fair share then I’ll be happy. To have her in a relationship where she is ground down by work, chores and childcare would leave me with a very heavy heart.
She deserves better. We all do. And it’s not much to ask.
I doubt there will be any guys who fit the ‘no chores’ category will be reading this and if they are I doubt it will make them change their minds about supporting their partners. So it’s up to the girls to not stand for it before it’s too late and being stuck with it for years.

                                 

You get what you give?

This statement appeared on a social media site I'm subscribed to. It has a lot of people’s backs up so on reading the comments I decided to do a blog post on my take of it.
A little background- I have been through loss of a loved one, separation from a child, being heavily in debt, not having a penny to my name and not being able to pay bills, divorce and sexual assault. So I have had a fair bit of trauma in my life.
I've experienced crippling bouts of depression and chronic illness. This is just so you know I'm not from a privileged background. I have felt pain and anguish on a fairly big scale.
Ok, first let’s look at the statement-'you get what you give'.
For me it's missing substance and is a sweeping generalisation. Something I've learned from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sweeping statements are not the truth. If a person gives hatred to someone, they will get it back? Not necessarily. If a person gives love they will get it back? Probably not. If we devote ourselves to 'God', the poor, the needy, the dying, the sick or whatever less fortunate group we chose, does that mean we will always get good things in life and nothing bad will happen? Absolutely not.
Here's why. Being a person that goes out of their way to help or does loads of things for someone or something does not automatically mean that in return a person is entitled to good things because that person is probably doing those things in order to appear good to receive good things. I know I've done it myself and whinged about it afterwards that 'I did all these things for so and so and they didn't even say thank you'. The thank you is not necessary if a person did the deed with total love and giving. Not sacrificing themselves for the greater good but actually feeling love when the deed is being done. You will not get love in return as you did it with conditions that demanded 'I will have good things done for and to me because I have done good things for people and causes.'
Stay with me....ok so say you see a woman with a pushchair and she looks really harassed and in a hurry so you open a door for her or step out her way. She doesn't even acknowledge you. What do you think then? Jeez, what an ignorant woman? How rude? Probably.However, how about look at it this way. The woman is quite clearly distressed and her head is full of all sorts of things. She's probably stressed to the max and so she's not thinking straight. Maybe you should think 'thank goodness I am able to open the door for that lady' or 'thank goodness I don't have that kind of stress to deal with.' But you could also think 'thank goodness I was there at the right time to open the door for that lady, that made her life a bit easier, if only for one moment.' You got the satisfaction you were there at the right time and place to help that lady. That’s your reward, not the thank you. You gave your time and energy to open the door and you got a feeling of wellbeing from it.
No need for a thank you from her as you did the act with love and practiced gratitude for your life. Maybe in the future someone will be there to open the door for you when you are laden with bags or in a rush? Maybe you won't thank the person that did it for you but there's not always a need if that person opened the door with unconditional love.
There are some people in the world who are ignorant and/or narcissistic and/or arrogant. They think they are entitled for the door to be opened for them, always and they would never open a door for anyone. So do they get what they give? Probably, because they gave out a sense of entitlement and got what they wanted.
If you are already worried about money what happens? An unexpected bill pops up. Your car breaks down. The washing machine packs up. If you worry about your health, you become ill, sometimes, not always. If you obsess that you want a relationship, you’ll attract the wrong person in because you are displaying desperation. How does that relate to ‘you get what you give’? Well you are projecting thoughts about negative situations so therefore the universe answers what you’ve been thinking about. So therefore think positive thoughts? And practice gratitude you are fortunate enough to afford a new washing machine, yes it’s inconvenient and costly but when you go to pay for it hand over the money with gratitude and love that you are fortunate enough to be able to afford such luxury and someone had the knowhow and provision to build such an efficient machine and you can wash your clothes conveniently and without too much hardship. I got a washing machine because I gave my time and earned the money for it. Thank goodness!
In a previous post I talked about attraction and getting what I wanted. What I should have done back then is said to myself 'right I've lost mum, I'm devastated but I don't want any more bad things to happen to me so I need to be grateful for what I do have and think about what I do want.' Very difficult when someone is suffering grief but I think it can be done. I know people who have faced adversity and have overcome some of the most terrible things by refusing to let more bad stuff happen.
Why did I attract more bad things into my life when I was already suffering? Because I thought I deserved it? Maybe. Probably. Most likely. But if I had focused on the good things in my life after her death and what I definitely did want then the further bad things would not have happened. I was desperate to be loved, as I'd lost the person I most loved in the world. That was the answer. A boyfriend. Someone to love but instead of saying 'I want a guy who will respect what has happened to me and work with me on this and not be selfish' I just focused on 'anyone will do so long as they pay attention to me'. I was given someone who wasn't good for me and it made me feel worse which led to an overdose. It was a self-perpetuating prophecy. If I think 'oh well, I deserved that' or 'there's no surprise there' I got what I believed to be what I deserved.
So back to the quote. I give and give and I am loving and nice yet I get bad things happening, why? Because I didn't expect anything good to happen to myself and I wasn't grateful for what I did have. I attracted more bad into my life by thinking bad thoughts on situations I had no control over.
But I have been on the other side of a situation such as the losing a loved one. I went through a very traumatic time when my daughter went to live with her dad and there were a lot of mitigating factors around the situation such as I kept having destructive relationships and bad things kept happening to the point that again I overdosed as I was at rock bottom. I found it difficult to deal with my daughter going to live with her dad and giving him the control over her life when previously he hadn't been interested in her at all. I felt a failure. Then he took me to the CSA (child support agency) so I was faced with financial pressure and his girlfriend was interfering and my relationship with my daughter fraught and I had issues in my new relationship. I was incredibly bitter that my ex had found someone who he loved but not only affluent and they were going away on holiday and I was stuck at home poor, having bad relationships. I think my ex is a person who will always attract good as he thinks he deserves it but he's not a particularly kind or caring person. I wished him ill but then thought 'no because if I wish him ill, it might backfire on me' but I couldn't find it in my heart to wish well. Basically I crumbled and took to my bed through sheer exhaustion and frustration and stress. I could have handled it very differently.
I still struggle a little with it now but it's getting better because I'm happy but I too got what I wished for. I said 'no more spongers, no more unkind, selfish guys in my life. I want one that is kind, compassionate, caring, loving, romantic and selfless.' I got it. He came when I least expected it as I was happy to be on my own. I had still had things with him I needed to work through and vice versa and it was a straightforward road, it was bumpy. I nearly gave in a couple of times but we worked it out, he also has had a big learning curve to climb.
All that has happened has led to very momentous time in my life and a massive change. I am still dealing with things and working through them. Constantly trying to get everything right in my mind and live with my actions. It’s hard work.
But had those things in the past not happened, I wouldn’t be here today, right where I need to be.
When it comes to abuse, trauma and illness can we then apply this thinking to the quote?
I’d have a hard time backing up anyone who said ‘that happened to you because you didn’t practice gratitude.’ You got what you gave? No, you didn’t. But you can choose to let the action take you down or you can choose to still be grateful for all the things you do have. Learn to deal with the anger and pain and hurt so it doesn’t destroy you.
Victims of abuse can't always help what happens to them or stop it and they aren't getting what they gave because they didn't give abuse. These kinds of sayings are sweeping and sometimes not helpful in extreme circumstances. I didn't invite the death of my mum in but I chose to destroy myself over it.

Then I stopped wishing myself out of the hole I was in. I just had to 'know' everything would be ok. I had gotten myself out of holes before, I could do it again. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, mostly, it's taken time trust me and I stopped being a victim. I stopped giving all my energy to the hatred of my ex and feeling bitter. It was I who was hurting me. I begrudged giving him child support as he was going on fancy holidays and having a lovely life but then I read in the book 'The Secret' to give with love, including money, means we will attract it back. I've always had a thing about being broke but I don't think that anymore. I attracted a solution into my life to the problem I had and I'm very grateful for it, every day, all the time! I can't control what my ex does with the money I give him but somewhere along the line it will benefit my daughter. If it doesn't then that is my ex's problem to deal with. He makes that choice and he will get what he gives too. I was very bitter about the amount of money I had to give him in the divorce. It wasn't fair as I'd had no choice but to let my daughter go and live with him so therefore he got more money as the resident parent. But I started to think, it's not my money anyway and I've got a great life. The life I had always wanted. He was in debt and he has my daughter most of the time, let him have the money. Let him do with it what he pleases and hope he makes a good decision with it. But I think the money will soon be gone. But there is nothing I can do about it so I let it go.
When a bad thing happens we can chose to continue to hurt ourselves or we can choose to not hurt ourselves. That's our choice, not the perpetrators. And sometimes bad things happen because we put ourselves in a vulnerable place or don't tell the world we aren't going to accept something. Maybe being vulnerable, a perpetrator took the opportunity to cease the situation to their own sick advantage. But its how it's dealt with afterwards that counts too. You don't have to be strong as such just say to the world 'I'm not going to take this crap anymore' and find a way, make a plan of how you are going to get out of being the perpetual victim.
Practicing gratitude works for me and it can't do any harm. Do not give those bad thoughts room in your head. Focus on something you want. Trust it'll come to you and believe it will come to you. Getting what you give isn't fail safe and all encompassing; they are infinite amounts of conditions that could affect what happens to us.
Bad thoughts still come into my head and heart now. They come in and sometimes I entertain them but I know if I entertain them I am asking them to come to fruition. I will only do things I want to do and I will do them with love and wholeheartedness. I refuse to be a victim anymore also and I refuse to believe bad things will happen but if they do, I hope I can deal with them and they won't drive me down into that dark place again. I'm learning and educating myself every day and I've gotten myself out of a black hole once again and I intend to stay out of it.
If you gave all you could (100%) to a cause such as sport or fundraising for example then you could expect to receive a good return on investment? But the same cannot be said when human beings and emotions are involved. Human beings are are unique unpredictable creatures. We cannot presume because we have done something for the greater good of mankind we can expect things in return. We shouldn't anyway.
So do we get what we give? Not always, it’s too general a statement, but we can learn to be grateful for the things we do get and we can give with total unconditional love and this brings good things into our lives to outweigh the bad.

Law of attraction.

I've never really thought about the law of attraction much. I've always been one for 'why can't it just happen'. 

I've always had the attitude with money that something will always come along to help me out when I need it and it worked. Little did I know that if I applied that thinking to the rest of my life, things might have worked much better. I think it has gotten me to where I need to be and I had to go through things to get here but maybe it wouldn't have been such a rocky journey? 

But I didn't apply this thinking until 

I'd had it completely with men in my life not being what I wanted. I expected them to just be what I wanted but I didn't believe I deserved it. Until I'd gone through a seperation, an affair and a few failed attempts at a relationship, including a stalker, I decided enough was enough and I had a subconscious list in my head

of what I would NOT accept anymore. 

I didn't want the characteristics my ex had, which consisted of not doing any housework and paying little interest in me or our daughter. 

People who know me know how unhelpful my ex was and how little he was interested in our child. We battled a lot over parenting and I was very lasse fairs, which made a rod for my own back and he was very strict. 

Our daughter was virtually with me 24/7 and always wanted mummy so it was quite tiring and I had elderly grandparents and their garden to look after so I was pretty tired most of the time. He didn't seem to care. I became quite ill a couple of times with depression/ chronic fatigue and he did nothing round the house to help and I had to suggest he take our daughter to the park instead of the DIY store on a weekend when I started back to work. 

He was doing our house up for years so he did have a job on his hands, of which I'm very grateful, but we were never a team. Now I get 'we're a team' shoved down my throat by him and his gf all the time! 

The affair was born out of unhappiness with my ex and looking for my prince. I thought he was my knight. Yes, a cliche but I've always wanted a knight. 

I've always wanted to be looked after. Maybe that stems from my childhood, although my granny looked after me well, I felt my mum didn't really care when I was distressed or ill. I could give you examples but you'll just have to take my word for it. I don't want to speak ill of her or get into discussion about it just now. Maybe another time. I've just had this strong sense of wanting to be looked after.

The affair wasn't meant to be an affair but that's what it was. It reeked havoc on many lives but I don't regret it in a lot of ways. Selfishly, it has got me where I need to be and even my ex has done well by it even if it was traumatic, maybe even the man and his wife involved in the affair, have gained something from the awful experience? Who knows. 

I'm was very much one for jumping in with both feet. When I met my ex he was besotted with me and I'd never had that so I dived in and we soon got married. I knew I'd made a massive mistake but I just ignored the fact and got on with it and was ill for at least a few weeks, most years, sometimes months at a time and very unhappy. 

Even though he'd agreed before we'd gotten married that we would have children,  he didn't want a child but I persuaded him. Our daughter arrived and for a short time things were good. But cracks appeared again and after a while I just got fed up with nagging and I didn't love him. I went about things totally the wrong way as I was so fed up at this point and to be honest I thought if I found someone else to go to, my ex wouldn't be able to persuade me to stay. It didn't work like that at all. 

It was very messy. 

Anyway, I thought I would find in the affair what I didn't in the marriage. Yes, there was romance and love and it was a bit fairy tale at times but it was messy, dirty and sordid as well. 

So it wasn't the fairy tale I imagined. I held onto it for dear life as he did leave his wife but not for me, it was the thing he thought he should do but he kept me at arms length and I knew something was wrong. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back. Served me right!! 

That was the final straw for me, it took a lot of abuse but I thought we had a love worth fighting for. Turned out I couldn't see what everyone else could. I was blind. But I needed to get to that stage to be able to let go. 

He made me realise just what I didn't want from a relationship too, just like my ex. 

Still having low self worth and esteem and due to circumstances I dabbled in casual relationships with a thought that I might be able to persuade a man to have a proper relationship. A couple did but were disasters. Not what I wanted it all and I wouldn't put up with it. 

But I attracted the wrong type of guy because I didn't specify enough and believe enough what I wanted and wouldn't put up with. I was still of the mind set that I could be easily led and gave some guys the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have. I've done this with   female relationships too! 

If someone paid me attention I gave them my time no matter what. And I was a pretty loyal too and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. To my own pain!! 

It usually backfired and I was the one who ended up with egg on my face! 

But did that happen because I didn't specify to myself what I wouldn't accept in life? I think so. 

I remember my brother suggesting my ex and I about a car, as we were looking for a new one. We looked and looked for this specific car and given up looking then his step mums' mum was selling the exact same kind of car and specifications we were looking for! 

Have you ever noticed if you get obsessed with something, for example, say a type of shoe or dress, you'll think about the object all the time eventually the right one will appear and it'll be perfect. But you have to let it go. Learn to forget about it but still have faith that object will come to you. 

I eventually became comfortable with being by myself. And I had a list in my head what I wanted and I believed in my heart that I would accept nothing less. 

A long came the hero of the hour. He tried to persuade me to start a relationship before I was ready but I refused until I was sure. We saw each other as friends for a while and our relationship blossomed without many complications. 

At our time in our life, we both have baggage so it wasn't plain sailing but I swore to myself if he treated me badly I wouldn't stand for it. And despite hiccoughs of life we have a very deep and loving relationship. He has gotten what he wished for too. Most of his married life he has wanted someone like me. I was quite fortunate I didn't need to ask for long before he came along. 

The whole point of this is that we get what we ask for. Be it money for a coffee with a friend or buy a new dress to big things like the house of your dreams. 

It's not wrong to have dreams but you have to believe in your heart they will happen. 

It's very difficult when someone is ill to believe anything good will happen. But through believing I deserved better I got what I wanted and through it I also managed to change my mindset. By being grateful for what I have, not what I don't. 

I'm not sure I would be so positive if my new partner hadn't come along but I truly believe he would have come along anyway because that is what I wanted. 

Maybe give it a try? But you have to believe it will happen. 

It took me a few years to actually take it all on board and maybe if I hit a tragedy in my life I would think it was all a load of rubbish. I have experienced tragedy and would find it hard to find positive about things like my mum dying so I fully appreciate its not for everyone and being very vulnerable can mean if we wish for things the wrong thing in disguise of the thing we wished for might come along or we might not get it at all and be totally let down again but that also stems from our belief that we deserve bad things because we are bad people. Unlovable and only get the love of an unsuitable person, for example, as that's what we deserve but it's not true. 

We need to realise the great person we are and we have to also have some self care and love of ourself before we can attract the right person in. 

I never believed it until I experienced it. It can happen. I've been the most negative person for years. I'm living proof things can change with the power of attracting what we do want. Forget what you don't want, just concentrate on what you do want. Corny as it is, you are worth it.