My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

You get what you give?

This statement appeared on a social media site I'm subscribed to. It has a lot of people’s backs up so on reading the comments I decided to do a blog post on my take of it.
A little background- I have been through loss of a loved one, separation from a child, being heavily in debt, not having a penny to my name and not being able to pay bills, divorce and sexual assault. So I have had a fair bit of trauma in my life.
I've experienced crippling bouts of depression and chronic illness. This is just so you know I'm not from a privileged background. I have felt pain and anguish on a fairly big scale.
Ok, first let’s look at the statement-'you get what you give'.
For me it's missing substance and is a sweeping generalisation. Something I've learned from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sweeping statements are not the truth. If a person gives hatred to someone, they will get it back? Not necessarily. If a person gives love they will get it back? Probably not. If we devote ourselves to 'God', the poor, the needy, the dying, the sick or whatever less fortunate group we chose, does that mean we will always get good things in life and nothing bad will happen? Absolutely not.
Here's why. Being a person that goes out of their way to help or does loads of things for someone or something does not automatically mean that in return a person is entitled to good things because that person is probably doing those things in order to appear good to receive good things. I know I've done it myself and whinged about it afterwards that 'I did all these things for so and so and they didn't even say thank you'. The thank you is not necessary if a person did the deed with total love and giving. Not sacrificing themselves for the greater good but actually feeling love when the deed is being done. You will not get love in return as you did it with conditions that demanded 'I will have good things done for and to me because I have done good things for people and causes.'
Stay with me....ok so say you see a woman with a pushchair and she looks really harassed and in a hurry so you open a door for her or step out her way. She doesn't even acknowledge you. What do you think then? Jeez, what an ignorant woman? How rude? Probably.However, how about look at it this way. The woman is quite clearly distressed and her head is full of all sorts of things. She's probably stressed to the max and so she's not thinking straight. Maybe you should think 'thank goodness I am able to open the door for that lady' or 'thank goodness I don't have that kind of stress to deal with.' But you could also think 'thank goodness I was there at the right time to open the door for that lady, that made her life a bit easier, if only for one moment.' You got the satisfaction you were there at the right time and place to help that lady. That’s your reward, not the thank you. You gave your time and energy to open the door and you got a feeling of wellbeing from it.
No need for a thank you from her as you did the act with love and practiced gratitude for your life. Maybe in the future someone will be there to open the door for you when you are laden with bags or in a rush? Maybe you won't thank the person that did it for you but there's not always a need if that person opened the door with unconditional love.
There are some people in the world who are ignorant and/or narcissistic and/or arrogant. They think they are entitled for the door to be opened for them, always and they would never open a door for anyone. So do they get what they give? Probably, because they gave out a sense of entitlement and got what they wanted.
If you are already worried about money what happens? An unexpected bill pops up. Your car breaks down. The washing machine packs up. If you worry about your health, you become ill, sometimes, not always. If you obsess that you want a relationship, you’ll attract the wrong person in because you are displaying desperation. How does that relate to ‘you get what you give’? Well you are projecting thoughts about negative situations so therefore the universe answers what you’ve been thinking about. So therefore think positive thoughts? And practice gratitude you are fortunate enough to afford a new washing machine, yes it’s inconvenient and costly but when you go to pay for it hand over the money with gratitude and love that you are fortunate enough to be able to afford such luxury and someone had the knowhow and provision to build such an efficient machine and you can wash your clothes conveniently and without too much hardship. I got a washing machine because I gave my time and earned the money for it. Thank goodness!
In a previous post I talked about attraction and getting what I wanted. What I should have done back then is said to myself 'right I've lost mum, I'm devastated but I don't want any more bad things to happen to me so I need to be grateful for what I do have and think about what I do want.' Very difficult when someone is suffering grief but I think it can be done. I know people who have faced adversity and have overcome some of the most terrible things by refusing to let more bad stuff happen.
Why did I attract more bad things into my life when I was already suffering? Because I thought I deserved it? Maybe. Probably. Most likely. But if I had focused on the good things in my life after her death and what I definitely did want then the further bad things would not have happened. I was desperate to be loved, as I'd lost the person I most loved in the world. That was the answer. A boyfriend. Someone to love but instead of saying 'I want a guy who will respect what has happened to me and work with me on this and not be selfish' I just focused on 'anyone will do so long as they pay attention to me'. I was given someone who wasn't good for me and it made me feel worse which led to an overdose. It was a self-perpetuating prophecy. If I think 'oh well, I deserved that' or 'there's no surprise there' I got what I believed to be what I deserved.
So back to the quote. I give and give and I am loving and nice yet I get bad things happening, why? Because I didn't expect anything good to happen to myself and I wasn't grateful for what I did have. I attracted more bad into my life by thinking bad thoughts on situations I had no control over.
But I have been on the other side of a situation such as the losing a loved one. I went through a very traumatic time when my daughter went to live with her dad and there were a lot of mitigating factors around the situation such as I kept having destructive relationships and bad things kept happening to the point that again I overdosed as I was at rock bottom. I found it difficult to deal with my daughter going to live with her dad and giving him the control over her life when previously he hadn't been interested in her at all. I felt a failure. Then he took me to the CSA (child support agency) so I was faced with financial pressure and his girlfriend was interfering and my relationship with my daughter fraught and I had issues in my new relationship. I was incredibly bitter that my ex had found someone who he loved but not only affluent and they were going away on holiday and I was stuck at home poor, having bad relationships. I think my ex is a person who will always attract good as he thinks he deserves it but he's not a particularly kind or caring person. I wished him ill but then thought 'no because if I wish him ill, it might backfire on me' but I couldn't find it in my heart to wish well. Basically I crumbled and took to my bed through sheer exhaustion and frustration and stress. I could have handled it very differently.
I still struggle a little with it now but it's getting better because I'm happy but I too got what I wished for. I said 'no more spongers, no more unkind, selfish guys in my life. I want one that is kind, compassionate, caring, loving, romantic and selfless.' I got it. He came when I least expected it as I was happy to be on my own. I had still had things with him I needed to work through and vice versa and it was a straightforward road, it was bumpy. I nearly gave in a couple of times but we worked it out, he also has had a big learning curve to climb.
All that has happened has led to very momentous time in my life and a massive change. I am still dealing with things and working through them. Constantly trying to get everything right in my mind and live with my actions. It’s hard work.
But had those things in the past not happened, I wouldn’t be here today, right where I need to be.
When it comes to abuse, trauma and illness can we then apply this thinking to the quote?
I’d have a hard time backing up anyone who said ‘that happened to you because you didn’t practice gratitude.’ You got what you gave? No, you didn’t. But you can choose to let the action take you down or you can choose to still be grateful for all the things you do have. Learn to deal with the anger and pain and hurt so it doesn’t destroy you.
Victims of abuse can't always help what happens to them or stop it and they aren't getting what they gave because they didn't give abuse. These kinds of sayings are sweeping and sometimes not helpful in extreme circumstances. I didn't invite the death of my mum in but I chose to destroy myself over it.

Then I stopped wishing myself out of the hole I was in. I just had to 'know' everything would be ok. I had gotten myself out of holes before, I could do it again. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, mostly, it's taken time trust me and I stopped being a victim. I stopped giving all my energy to the hatred of my ex and feeling bitter. It was I who was hurting me. I begrudged giving him child support as he was going on fancy holidays and having a lovely life but then I read in the book 'The Secret' to give with love, including money, means we will attract it back. I've always had a thing about being broke but I don't think that anymore. I attracted a solution into my life to the problem I had and I'm very grateful for it, every day, all the time! I can't control what my ex does with the money I give him but somewhere along the line it will benefit my daughter. If it doesn't then that is my ex's problem to deal with. He makes that choice and he will get what he gives too. I was very bitter about the amount of money I had to give him in the divorce. It wasn't fair as I'd had no choice but to let my daughter go and live with him so therefore he got more money as the resident parent. But I started to think, it's not my money anyway and I've got a great life. The life I had always wanted. He was in debt and he has my daughter most of the time, let him have the money. Let him do with it what he pleases and hope he makes a good decision with it. But I think the money will soon be gone. But there is nothing I can do about it so I let it go.
When a bad thing happens we can chose to continue to hurt ourselves or we can choose to not hurt ourselves. That's our choice, not the perpetrators. And sometimes bad things happen because we put ourselves in a vulnerable place or don't tell the world we aren't going to accept something. Maybe being vulnerable, a perpetrator took the opportunity to cease the situation to their own sick advantage. But its how it's dealt with afterwards that counts too. You don't have to be strong as such just say to the world 'I'm not going to take this crap anymore' and find a way, make a plan of how you are going to get out of being the perpetual victim.
Practicing gratitude works for me and it can't do any harm. Do not give those bad thoughts room in your head. Focus on something you want. Trust it'll come to you and believe it will come to you. Getting what you give isn't fail safe and all encompassing; they are infinite amounts of conditions that could affect what happens to us.
Bad thoughts still come into my head and heart now. They come in and sometimes I entertain them but I know if I entertain them I am asking them to come to fruition. I will only do things I want to do and I will do them with love and wholeheartedness. I refuse to be a victim anymore also and I refuse to believe bad things will happen but if they do, I hope I can deal with them and they won't drive me down into that dark place again. I'm learning and educating myself every day and I've gotten myself out of a black hole once again and I intend to stay out of it.
If you gave all you could (100%) to a cause such as sport or fundraising for example then you could expect to receive a good return on investment? But the same cannot be said when human beings and emotions are involved. Human beings are are unique unpredictable creatures. We cannot presume because we have done something for the greater good of mankind we can expect things in return. We shouldn't anyway.
So do we get what we give? Not always, it’s too general a statement, but we can learn to be grateful for the things we do get and we can give with total unconditional love and this brings good things into our lives to outweigh the bad.

Law of attraction.

I've never really thought about the law of attraction much. I've always been one for 'why can't it just happen'. 

I've always had the attitude with money that something will always come along to help me out when I need it and it worked. Little did I know that if I applied that thinking to the rest of my life, things might have worked much better. I think it has gotten me to where I need to be and I had to go through things to get here but maybe it wouldn't have been such a rocky journey? 

But I didn't apply this thinking until 

I'd had it completely with men in my life not being what I wanted. I expected them to just be what I wanted but I didn't believe I deserved it. Until I'd gone through a seperation, an affair and a few failed attempts at a relationship, including a stalker, I decided enough was enough and I had a subconscious list in my head

of what I would NOT accept anymore. 

I didn't want the characteristics my ex had, which consisted of not doing any housework and paying little interest in me or our daughter. 

People who know me know how unhelpful my ex was and how little he was interested in our child. We battled a lot over parenting and I was very lasse fairs, which made a rod for my own back and he was very strict. 

Our daughter was virtually with me 24/7 and always wanted mummy so it was quite tiring and I had elderly grandparents and their garden to look after so I was pretty tired most of the time. He didn't seem to care. I became quite ill a couple of times with depression/ chronic fatigue and he did nothing round the house to help and I had to suggest he take our daughter to the park instead of the DIY store on a weekend when I started back to work. 

He was doing our house up for years so he did have a job on his hands, of which I'm very grateful, but we were never a team. Now I get 'we're a team' shoved down my throat by him and his gf all the time! 

The affair was born out of unhappiness with my ex and looking for my prince. I thought he was my knight. Yes, a cliche but I've always wanted a knight. 

I've always wanted to be looked after. Maybe that stems from my childhood, although my granny looked after me well, I felt my mum didn't really care when I was distressed or ill. I could give you examples but you'll just have to take my word for it. I don't want to speak ill of her or get into discussion about it just now. Maybe another time. I've just had this strong sense of wanting to be looked after.

The affair wasn't meant to be an affair but that's what it was. It reeked havoc on many lives but I don't regret it in a lot of ways. Selfishly, it has got me where I need to be and even my ex has done well by it even if it was traumatic, maybe even the man and his wife involved in the affair, have gained something from the awful experience? Who knows. 

I'm was very much one for jumping in with both feet. When I met my ex he was besotted with me and I'd never had that so I dived in and we soon got married. I knew I'd made a massive mistake but I just ignored the fact and got on with it and was ill for at least a few weeks, most years, sometimes months at a time and very unhappy. 

Even though he'd agreed before we'd gotten married that we would have children,  he didn't want a child but I persuaded him. Our daughter arrived and for a short time things were good. But cracks appeared again and after a while I just got fed up with nagging and I didn't love him. I went about things totally the wrong way as I was so fed up at this point and to be honest I thought if I found someone else to go to, my ex wouldn't be able to persuade me to stay. It didn't work like that at all. 

It was very messy. 

Anyway, I thought I would find in the affair what I didn't in the marriage. Yes, there was romance and love and it was a bit fairy tale at times but it was messy, dirty and sordid as well. 

So it wasn't the fairy tale I imagined. I held onto it for dear life as he did leave his wife but not for me, it was the thing he thought he should do but he kept me at arms length and I knew something was wrong. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back. Served me right!! 

That was the final straw for me, it took a lot of abuse but I thought we had a love worth fighting for. Turned out I couldn't see what everyone else could. I was blind. But I needed to get to that stage to be able to let go. 

He made me realise just what I didn't want from a relationship too, just like my ex. 

Still having low self worth and esteem and due to circumstances I dabbled in casual relationships with a thought that I might be able to persuade a man to have a proper relationship. A couple did but were disasters. Not what I wanted it all and I wouldn't put up with it. 

But I attracted the wrong type of guy because I didn't specify enough and believe enough what I wanted and wouldn't put up with. I was still of the mind set that I could be easily led and gave some guys the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have. I've done this with   female relationships too! 

If someone paid me attention I gave them my time no matter what. And I was a pretty loyal too and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. To my own pain!! 

It usually backfired and I was the one who ended up with egg on my face! 

But did that happen because I didn't specify to myself what I wouldn't accept in life? I think so. 

I remember my brother suggesting my ex and I about a car, as we were looking for a new one. We looked and looked for this specific car and given up looking then his step mums' mum was selling the exact same kind of car and specifications we were looking for! 

Have you ever noticed if you get obsessed with something, for example, say a type of shoe or dress, you'll think about the object all the time eventually the right one will appear and it'll be perfect. But you have to let it go. Learn to forget about it but still have faith that object will come to you. 

I eventually became comfortable with being by myself. And I had a list in my head what I wanted and I believed in my heart that I would accept nothing less. 

A long came the hero of the hour. He tried to persuade me to start a relationship before I was ready but I refused until I was sure. We saw each other as friends for a while and our relationship blossomed without many complications. 

At our time in our life, we both have baggage so it wasn't plain sailing but I swore to myself if he treated me badly I wouldn't stand for it. And despite hiccoughs of life we have a very deep and loving relationship. He has gotten what he wished for too. Most of his married life he has wanted someone like me. I was quite fortunate I didn't need to ask for long before he came along. 

The whole point of this is that we get what we ask for. Be it money for a coffee with a friend or buy a new dress to big things like the house of your dreams. 

It's not wrong to have dreams but you have to believe in your heart they will happen. 

It's very difficult when someone is ill to believe anything good will happen. But through believing I deserved better I got what I wanted and through it I also managed to change my mindset. By being grateful for what I have, not what I don't. 

I'm not sure I would be so positive if my new partner hadn't come along but I truly believe he would have come along anyway because that is what I wanted. 

Maybe give it a try? But you have to believe it will happen. 

It took me a few years to actually take it all on board and maybe if I hit a tragedy in my life I would think it was all a load of rubbish. I have experienced tragedy and would find it hard to find positive about things like my mum dying so I fully appreciate its not for everyone and being very vulnerable can mean if we wish for things the wrong thing in disguise of the thing we wished for might come along or we might not get it at all and be totally let down again but that also stems from our belief that we deserve bad things because we are bad people. Unlovable and only get the love of an unsuitable person, for example, as that's what we deserve but it's not true. 

We need to realise the great person we are and we have to also have some self care and love of ourself before we can attract the right person in. 

I never believed it until I experienced it. It can happen. I've been the most negative person for years. I'm living proof things can change with the power of attracting what we do want. Forget what you don't want, just concentrate on what you do want. Corny as it is, you are worth it.