I've learned a lot in the last few months and things have taken a different direction for me. We are moving to the States next month for one thing. My partner got offered a job over there with his company. At the time he put the suggestion to me I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to live in the States or at least travel around the States. I was also at a point where I was sick of the falling out and just wanted to run away. I've always been like that. I just want to run away when things get too much.
Things were still pretty messy last summer, my relationship with my daughter wasn't the greatest. We butted heads most of the time. She has always managed to wrap me round her little finger and I give in too easily. She is a mobile 'phone and screen addict and if she's not looking at 1,2 or 3 screens she's 'bored'. I had very little energy to do anything so to wrestle the screens off her and try and get her to interact or do something with us was painful so I just didn't bother now she has no choice. And if she whinges (she seems to know when I'm flagging because the whinging gets more intense!) I ignore it or punish her for it. Seems easy solution eh? But I get dragged right back to my childhood and I think of me in her shoes and I feel sorry for her or bad. But being lenient doesn't do us any favours. And no that I have more energy I can stick to my guns.
I was also butting heads rather a lot with my ex and his girlfriend and just wanted to be away from it all. The divorce had started and the ex wanted ALL the profits from the house.So a fight ensued and basically yet again I had to admit defeat and give in or risk losing half my pension. I had to do what I could live with. And since practicing gratitude I can be grateful with what I've got rather than what I have lost.
This leads me on to the victim thing. I have learned over the last few months that I was a victim, I made myself a victim. I no longer chose to be a victim. Yes, sometimes things are hard to deal with but I can chose to lay down and weep or make the best of the situation and find a positive.
Positivity is not something I have done very well, the glass is always half full but you know what? Who gets anything from being so negative? Do good things happen to negative people? No, they don't.
Plus, I don't want to play being a victim anymore as it just attracts more drama. Instead now I practice gratitude. Mainly because of the book . There are many of these types of books out there but this one seems to sit right with me. I practice gratitude in everything I do and I seem to be much better for it. My wonderful partner is also a very positive person and he inspires me to see the positive in everything. No matter what the situation. He could have written The Secret to be honest! I guess living all the time with this kind of person eventually rubs off.
I have trouble making my mind up about how I see the world. There is always two sides to every argument, mostly, and I have trouble putting my faith in one side or the other. I can never totally subscribe to something because they/it will always do something to let me down and disappoint me. For example, I went to Buddhist meditation when I was really ill once and was hoping it would have the answers I needed. Only to listen to a teaching that went on to talk about depression as a punishment for something one did in their past life. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for that! Not in the here and now! Plus , one of the monks was wearing leather sandals and using a mobile 'phone. If I subscribe to something it has to wholeheartedly. No half measure. So I have just cherry picked most things and created my own 'religion' in some respects. But my thinking get challenged every day and just when I think I've gotten a handle on something, an idea or inspiration comes flying out of nowhere and boom, thinking altered once again.
Regarding my last post and antidepressants; I am off them totally now and only take my mood stabiliser for sleep as I love it makes me sleep! Insomnia is my sworn enemy. It was ok having insomnia before because I would just sleep when I could but now I don't want to be ruining my day having to go for a sleep then being awake half the night.
So I ask myself the question, if I can be off antidepressants now and haven't felt depressed except for the very odd occasion, why was I on them for years? To be perfectly honest I think it was the situation I was in. That's a whole different post. Plus I've had it mentioned more than once that I have probably got chronic fatigue syndrome and depression is a subcategory to this rather than depression first then fatigue. I know I can feel feel fatigue and not depression, that's for sure.
I did manage, with the help of my partner, to change my job and work agency so I could at least pick my own shifts but the long hours still took their toll. Fortunately, not for much longer.
However, I haven't kept up the acupuncture. Many reasons really but mostly financial as last year finances were a bit tough. As soon as some money came in, it went out again. But now I look at finances in a totally different way too. I don't chase money instead I practice feeling that I will get what I need and give money gratefully. For example; when I give my ex money for our daughter, I no longer begrudge it but give it with love. It takes some time to get the hang of but it really works.
