I can't believe only 24 hours has passed. Yesterday felt like days ago. I slept ok and woke feeling ok but guess my mood was low as I felt guilty about my sickness and wish I could just put it to one side and get on with my life. I'm sick of it rearing it's ugly head. I was reading another blog 'depression marathon' www.depressionmarathon.blogspot.com and Etta talks about borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and I can relate to it totally. I asked my husband if the traits sounded like me and he said yes to all them! Explains a lot although I would not want the diagnosis and it is a massive leap from depression to borderline personality disorder. What does that even mean? It's a bit of a 'non' name for an illness and a bit of a scary label but then that's because I have only met one person with that diagnosis and she had multiple problems and hung herself. Whilst depression is a mental illness stepping into the realms of what people would maybe class as 'severe mental illness' would worry me. It's hard enough getting people to understand being depressed let alone anything else. It feels like a massive uphill battle as it is without the prejudice and stigma of adding another label onto it.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms I could an absolute yes to all of them except 'severe dissociative symptoms'. I do get paranoid though.
And I didn't think I did until my husband pointed it out. Well, I know I am but not as bad as he said I actually am. The chronic feelings of emptiness is me to a T. I could not believe it when I read that I thought it was just me! I have had that feeling for years.A lonely, empty pit in my stomach, which was much worse when my mum died and I take away the feeling by eating, Self harming, drinking, taking drugs, smoking or, as I did when I was younger, have a one night stand or even get into a relationship that was totally unsuitable for me just to be with someone.
I remember a few years ago, before my daughter was born, coming home drunk after a night out and my husband getting me upstairs to bed and all I kept saying was 'I want to go home' my husband said 'you are home' nut that's not what I meant. I wanted to be home in my heart. Being married didn't do it, having my daughter didn't do it, fundraising hasn't done it. The one and only thing that filled the void that I can remember is being with my lover but he was totally wrong for me and lied to me so many times and caused me a hell of a lot of anguish so why did he make me feel fulfilled? I have no idea. I thought he was the love of my life as we had history and we both felt the same way about each other but he couldn't deliver what I wanted and led me on a wild goose chase trying to get it. Telling me one thing and doing another. He completely screwed my heart,soul and mind up. Yet without him I felt empty again.
I do get into relationships quite quickly and 'fall in love' quickly and then am totally heartbroken when it ends and end up getting off my face or self harming. God knows why. I had my first session of hypnotherapy today and hopefully it will put some ghosts to rest. It bought a lot of things up and a couple of memories were pretty painful and I cried, which I didn't expect. I don't think there is anything buried there I don't know about. I'm sure there isn't. Who knows, maybe I'll find out. I hope so.
Thursday 16 February 2012
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Admitting defeat.
I can't believe only 24 hours has passed. Yesterday felt like days ago. I slept ok and woke feeling ok but guess my mood was low as I felt guilty about my sickness and wish I could just put it to one side and get on with my life. I'm sick of it rearing it's ugly head. I was reading another blog 'depression marathon' www.depressionmarathon.blogspot.com and Etta talks about borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and I can relate to it totally. I asked my husband if the traits sounded like me and he said yes to all them! Explains a lot although I would not want the diagnosis and it is a massive leap from depression to borderline personality disorder. What does that even mean? It's a bit of a 'non' name for an illness and a bit of a scary label but then that's because I have only met one person with that diagnosis and she had multiple problems and hung herself.
Whilst depression is a mental illness stepping into the realms of what people would maybe class as 'severe mental illness' would worry me. It's hard enough getting people to understand being depressed let alone anything else. It feels like a massive uphill battle as it is without the prejudice and stigma of adding another label onto it.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms I could an absolute yes to all of them except 'severe dissociative symptoms'. I do get paranoid though.
And I didn't think I did until my husband pointed it out. Well, I know I am but not as bad as he said I actually am. The chronic feelings of emptiness is me to a T. I could not believe it when I read that I thought it was just me! I have had that feeling for years.A lonely, empty pit in my stomach, which was much worse when my mum died and I take away the feeling by eating, Self harming, drinking, taking drugs, smoking or, as I did when I was younger, have a one night stand or even get into a relationship that was totally unsuitable for me just to be with someone. I remember a few years ago, before my daughter was born, coming home drunk after a night out and my husband getting me upstairs to bed and all I kept saying was 'I want to go home' my husband said 'you are home' nut that's not what I meant. I wanted to be home in my heart. Being married didn't do it, having my daughter didn't do it, fundraising hasn't done it. The one and only thing that filled the void that I can remember is being with my lover but he was totally wrong for me and lied to me so many times and caused me a hell of a lot of anguish so why did he make me feel fulfilled? I have no idea. I thought he was the love of my life as we had history and we both felt the same way about each other but he couldn't deliver what I wanted and led me on a wild goose chase trying to get it. Telling me one thing and doing another. He completely screwed my heart,soul and mind up. Yet without him I felt empty again. I do get into relationships quite quickly and 'fall in love' quickly and then am totally heartbroken when it ends and end up getting off my face or self harming. God knows why. I had my first session of hypnotherapy today and hopefully it will put some ghosts to rest. It bought a lot of things up and a couple of memories were pretty painful and I cried, which I didn't expect. I don't think there is anything buried there I don't know about. I'm sure there isn't. Who knows, maybe I'll find out. I hope so.
Whilst depression is a mental illness stepping into the realms of what people would maybe class as 'severe mental illness' would worry me. It's hard enough getting people to understand being depressed let alone anything else. It feels like a massive uphill battle as it is without the prejudice and stigma of adding another label onto it.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms I could an absolute yes to all of them except 'severe dissociative symptoms'. I do get paranoid though.
And I didn't think I did until my husband pointed it out. Well, I know I am but not as bad as he said I actually am. The chronic feelings of emptiness is me to a T. I could not believe it when I read that I thought it was just me! I have had that feeling for years.A lonely, empty pit in my stomach, which was much worse when my mum died and I take away the feeling by eating, Self harming, drinking, taking drugs, smoking or, as I did when I was younger, have a one night stand or even get into a relationship that was totally unsuitable for me just to be with someone. I remember a few years ago, before my daughter was born, coming home drunk after a night out and my husband getting me upstairs to bed and all I kept saying was 'I want to go home' my husband said 'you are home' nut that's not what I meant. I wanted to be home in my heart. Being married didn't do it, having my daughter didn't do it, fundraising hasn't done it. The one and only thing that filled the void that I can remember is being with my lover but he was totally wrong for me and lied to me so many times and caused me a hell of a lot of anguish so why did he make me feel fulfilled? I have no idea. I thought he was the love of my life as we had history and we both felt the same way about each other but he couldn't deliver what I wanted and led me on a wild goose chase trying to get it. Telling me one thing and doing another. He completely screwed my heart,soul and mind up. Yet without him I felt empty again. I do get into relationships quite quickly and 'fall in love' quickly and then am totally heartbroken when it ends and end up getting off my face or self harming. God knows why. I had my first session of hypnotherapy today and hopefully it will put some ghosts to rest. It bought a lot of things up and a couple of memories were pretty painful and I cried, which I didn't expect. I don't think there is anything buried there I don't know about. I'm sure there isn't. Who knows, maybe I'll find out. I hope so.
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Struggling.
I slept badly last night and I felt exhausted this morning. I nearly chickened out of my commitments but I didn't as that would have made me feel guilty but I knew I would struggle and I did.
When I got home I was greeted with a mess in the kitchen and I could've crumbled then but I didn't I left that until I lay down in bed and couldn't stop crying. It's so frustrating feeling a bit better and then feeling crap again. I can't explain how I feel to others, they just wouldn't understand. I am dreading work tomorrow but I will have to grin and bear it and hope I feel a bit better by the time I have to go to work.
When I got home I was greeted with a mess in the kitchen and I could've crumbled then but I didn't I left that until I lay down in bed and couldn't stop crying. It's so frustrating feeling a bit better and then feeling crap again. I can't explain how I feel to others, they just wouldn't understand. I am dreading work tomorrow but I will have to grin and bear it and hope I feel a bit better by the time I have to go to work.
Monday 13 February 2012
Keep on keeping on.
My sleep monitor showed I slept deeply for 4 hours straight last night. Not sure how accurate that is but psychologically makes me feel better! It hadn't moved at all whilst I slept so maybe it was right. I certainly felt like I slept like a log!
I was determined to get out on the bike today so eventually I did manage it and it felt, dare I say, ok. Not as hard as it has been for months. I felt really tired this afternoon but in a good way. We took the dog out and I wasn't ready to crash like I normally am and I didn't get annoyed either! I'm usually really grumpy and snappy when I'm tired.
Just returned from another lovely session of acupuncture and feel nice and relaxed.
A bike ride is on the cards for tomorrow too with someone this time. I've been nervous of cycling with someone since I got back from Kenya because of lack of confidence and ability but I feel ok about tomorrow. I feel I won't beat myself up mentally if I'm a little slower than my cycling buddy tomorrow and won't feel guilty if I hold him up. I would normally give myself such a hard time if I was slower than everyone else but tomorrow I think I'll give myself a break.
I was determined to get out on the bike today so eventually I did manage it and it felt, dare I say, ok. Not as hard as it has been for months. I felt really tired this afternoon but in a good way. We took the dog out and I wasn't ready to crash like I normally am and I didn't get annoyed either! I'm usually really grumpy and snappy when I'm tired.
Just returned from another lovely session of acupuncture and feel nice and relaxed.
A bike ride is on the cards for tomorrow too with someone this time. I've been nervous of cycling with someone since I got back from Kenya because of lack of confidence and ability but I feel ok about tomorrow. I feel I won't beat myself up mentally if I'm a little slower than my cycling buddy tomorrow and won't feel guilty if I hold him up. I would normally give myself such a hard time if I was slower than everyone else but tomorrow I think I'll give myself a break.
Sunday 12 February 2012
Today's a good day.
I don't want to say but, but I'm going to. The gremlins re hovering. I've managed to keep them at bay today by keeping my mind occupied. Had I had nothing to do I may have struggled.
My husband and I have been niggling at each other. I finally start feeling a bit better and he starts to be niggly but then we all have our bad days so he has to be allowed to feel that way too. He has spent a whole week being around me being grumpy and grunting and crying yet I can't allow him one day to feel naff?
Our relationship is a bizarre one and I won't go into it because it's my problem not his.
One thing that made me feel anxious today was thinking about my job. I feel I want to do something else but don't know what. When I'm ok my job seems to be ok but I'm not in love with it. I've never been in love with work. Ever, I've always hated it. I don't know why. Maybe the hypnotherapy will help me get over that?
I'm looking forward to more acupuncture tomorrow.
My husband and I have been niggling at each other. I finally start feeling a bit better and he starts to be niggly but then we all have our bad days so he has to be allowed to feel that way too. He has spent a whole week being around me being grumpy and grunting and crying yet I can't allow him one day to feel naff?
Our relationship is a bizarre one and I won't go into it because it's my problem not his.
One thing that made me feel anxious today was thinking about my job. I feel I want to do something else but don't know what. When I'm ok my job seems to be ok but I'm not in love with it. I've never been in love with work. Ever, I've always hated it. I don't know why. Maybe the hypnotherapy will help me get over that?
I'm looking forward to more acupuncture tomorrow.
Saturday 11 February 2012
The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned on.
It seems like days ago now but it was only yesterday afternoon. After feeling the same numbness all week, everyday felt the same. In the last 24 hours it seems everything has changed. Whilst arguing with myself what best to do to help myself and getting nowhere fast I decided that the money didn't matter and I needed to get better, fast.
Acupuncture had helped me before, many times so I thought 'what the hell, bugger the cost'. I decided that if I could get an appointment for the same day then it was meant to be. Normally you have to wait a couple of weeks to get in so I was worried that if they said there were no appointments I would feel even more hopeless. But I needn't have worried, they had an appointment that afternoon. Unfortunately it would mean calling in a favour for someone to pick my daughter up from school as my husband had an interview that afternoon and wouldn't be back until after school finished. Luckily managed to sort it out thankfully.
Talking to my acupuncturist, katie, was like opening the flood gates. I hadn't told a soul how I was feeling, my husband knew I was down but didn't know I was feeling suicidal. I told Katie everything. She understood me totally. My heart needed some help.
I've known Katie for years ever since I started going to her when I was very depressed whilst pregnant with my daughter. She brought me out of the depths of despair then and continued to help me after my daughter was born to help me through the first few months. Since then I have been back to see her when times are tough and I need a bit of TLC. There have been a few tough times over the years but she's always managed to get me through them.
Katie used moxa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moxibustion) on me and stuck lots of needles in me, which don't exactly hurt at all but give you a buzz where the needles goes in and it feels a little like cramp whilst the needle is in there. Most of the time the needles don't stay in but yesterday some were.
I don't know whether it is the acupuncture or the fact she understands me or a combination of the 2 but all I know is I feel something. Actually feel it inside. Like my heart has had a hug. I know it sounds crazy, weird even but I don't care, it's how I felt. How I'm still feeling.
I haven't felt anything for a long time other than anxiety, hurt and sadness mostly. It has been interspersed with some happy times and contentment but there is something about the negative feelings which seem to feel far worse and last longer.
I'm going back Monday for some more and Katie thinks hypnotherapy may be beneficial too. Modern medicine doesn't seem to be doing a decent job helping me out and I believe in alternative/complimentary medicine. If it makes me feel better then that's fine with me.
Acupuncture had helped me before, many times so I thought 'what the hell, bugger the cost'. I decided that if I could get an appointment for the same day then it was meant to be. Normally you have to wait a couple of weeks to get in so I was worried that if they said there were no appointments I would feel even more hopeless. But I needn't have worried, they had an appointment that afternoon. Unfortunately it would mean calling in a favour for someone to pick my daughter up from school as my husband had an interview that afternoon and wouldn't be back until after school finished. Luckily managed to sort it out thankfully.
Talking to my acupuncturist, katie, was like opening the flood gates. I hadn't told a soul how I was feeling, my husband knew I was down but didn't know I was feeling suicidal. I told Katie everything. She understood me totally. My heart needed some help.
I've known Katie for years ever since I started going to her when I was very depressed whilst pregnant with my daughter. She brought me out of the depths of despair then and continued to help me after my daughter was born to help me through the first few months. Since then I have been back to see her when times are tough and I need a bit of TLC. There have been a few tough times over the years but she's always managed to get me through them.
Katie used moxa (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moxibustion) on me and stuck lots of needles in me, which don't exactly hurt at all but give you a buzz where the needles goes in and it feels a little like cramp whilst the needle is in there. Most of the time the needles don't stay in but yesterday some were.
I don't know whether it is the acupuncture or the fact she understands me or a combination of the 2 but all I know is I feel something. Actually feel it inside. Like my heart has had a hug. I know it sounds crazy, weird even but I don't care, it's how I felt. How I'm still feeling.
I haven't felt anything for a long time other than anxiety, hurt and sadness mostly. It has been interspersed with some happy times and contentment but there is something about the negative feelings which seem to feel far worse and last longer.
I'm going back Monday for some more and Katie thinks hypnotherapy may be beneficial too. Modern medicine doesn't seem to be doing a decent job helping me out and I believe in alternative/complimentary medicine. If it makes me feel better then that's fine with me.
Friday 10 February 2012
Mental health provision
I thought I would look up the mental health services I used before and came across the website for the local mental health hospital. Some past patients had left comments on the site and I have to say there weren't at all favourable.
Maybe I won't ask to be referred back to them after all and make do with what my GP can offer.
I hate going to the GP about it though as I feel such a flake 'here she is again'. I wish I could afford acupuncture as I know that helps lift me up but I'm too broke to even consider it. 15 days 'til pay day and nearly at my overdraft limit. It's at least £40 a session for acupuncture now and I'd need at least 4 sessions. Ironically I need to work more to pay off my debt but can't even face the hours that I am supposed to be there! I'll count them down and hope for the best. Who knows going to work might help?
But for now I have to make a doctors apt and stick to it and not chicken out.
Maybe I won't ask to be referred back to them after all and make do with what my GP can offer.
I hate going to the GP about it though as I feel such a flake 'here she is again'. I wish I could afford acupuncture as I know that helps lift me up but I'm too broke to even consider it. 15 days 'til pay day and nearly at my overdraft limit. It's at least £40 a session for acupuncture now and I'd need at least 4 sessions. Ironically I need to work more to pay off my debt but can't even face the hours that I am supposed to be there! I'll count them down and hope for the best. Who knows going to work might help?
But for now I have to make a doctors apt and stick to it and not chicken out.
Thursday 9 February 2012
Black days.
I have been feeling this way for some time now, with very little respite from it. I can't really remember feeling, truly feeling I mean, not just pretending, to feel happy deep down inside.
I have a feeling I know why I' m feeling this way or maybe the thing that was keeping me from feeling so low has now gone away and it was a temporary distraction masking the underlying problems.
So what do it do about it? I have battled it and fought and am still fighting! I don't want the witch to win. How long do you go on fighting for though?
It's worse than PMT as it goes on forever and doesn't seem to stop. At least PMT seems to come to an end or you get a break from it. I am irritable and can't concentrate so when I am trying to focus on something and someone interrupts me I get really narked and sometimes snap and then I feel guilty and hate myself even more. This isn't about self pity, by the way. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, neither do I want this illness period but it's here and I can't shift it.
I want to sleep all the time and barely have the energy to get up. Even when I do I'd rather stay in my pyjamas and then I'm all ready to go back to bed when I feel like it. I push myself as much as I can as I want to do normal things but sometimes I jus have to admit defeat and sleep. And I hate it.
At least when I'm asleep I don't have to think. My brain never stops working, mulling things over, what if's, but's and maybes. Maybe if I lived somewhere else I would happy but I can't afford to move. What if I got another job but then couldn't cope with it as I've had jobs in the past where I've had to jack in, sometimes just walked away and other times had to hand my notice in. One job left me so down and worn out that I was completely spent and I didn't work for months after I left. My daughter was young, my job was stressful and my family needed me. It was all a bit too much.
I don't feel life is too much at the moment , in fact the complete opposite, it's rather boring. I have rather a lot of free time but spend it doing very little that actually drives me bonkers. I hate myself for it. I could do something constructive couldn't I? People would give anything to have the time I have free. I have a dog, so I walk her which gets me out the house at least. I ride my bike when the weather is ok but that in itself brings along issues. I'm not fast enough and I'm too overweight . Cycling makes me hungry so I give in to the hunger and eat more, then I feel guilty and hate myself so I try to disobey my hunger and get grumpy! I sound like a treasure don't I?
Sometimes it feels so hard to breath I wish I could get something to do it for me. It feels like such hard work. Everything seems like hard work. I somehow still manage to do certain things but feel no joy in anything I do. That's the worst thing about it all, feeling no joy. Feeling nothing. It's like a pit at bottom of my stomach, huge and empty and can never be filled. I keep hoping I when I go to sleep I will wake up and feel better but it just isn't happening yet.
I think about suicide a lot too. Yesterday was a particularly bad day and after shouting at my daughter for no reason I closed my eyes and imagined putting a gun in my mouth. She doesn't deserve a mother like me. I often think she would be better off without me but then later that night when I'm taking a bath she comes to me with great excitement and tells me about something she has seen on YouTube about monster high dolls and is so animated and happy about it that I smile and wonder how I could possibly leave her without a mother and let her experience all the pain I had when I lost my Mum. So I just have to endure these feelings until they go and learn the best way to deal with them, bite my tongue when I feel I'm going to snap and be a little kinder to myself and not beat myself up so much because wading though mud is really hard work.
I have a feeling I know why I' m feeling this way or maybe the thing that was keeping me from feeling so low has now gone away and it was a temporary distraction masking the underlying problems.
So what do it do about it? I have battled it and fought and am still fighting! I don't want the witch to win. How long do you go on fighting for though?
It's worse than PMT as it goes on forever and doesn't seem to stop. At least PMT seems to come to an end or you get a break from it. I am irritable and can't concentrate so when I am trying to focus on something and someone interrupts me I get really narked and sometimes snap and then I feel guilty and hate myself even more. This isn't about self pity, by the way. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, neither do I want this illness period but it's here and I can't shift it.
I want to sleep all the time and barely have the energy to get up. Even when I do I'd rather stay in my pyjamas and then I'm all ready to go back to bed when I feel like it. I push myself as much as I can as I want to do normal things but sometimes I jus have to admit defeat and sleep. And I hate it.
At least when I'm asleep I don't have to think. My brain never stops working, mulling things over, what if's, but's and maybes. Maybe if I lived somewhere else I would happy but I can't afford to move. What if I got another job but then couldn't cope with it as I've had jobs in the past where I've had to jack in, sometimes just walked away and other times had to hand my notice in. One job left me so down and worn out that I was completely spent and I didn't work for months after I left. My daughter was young, my job was stressful and my family needed me. It was all a bit too much.
I don't feel life is too much at the moment , in fact the complete opposite, it's rather boring. I have rather a lot of free time but spend it doing very little that actually drives me bonkers. I hate myself for it. I could do something constructive couldn't I? People would give anything to have the time I have free. I have a dog, so I walk her which gets me out the house at least. I ride my bike when the weather is ok but that in itself brings along issues. I'm not fast enough and I'm too overweight . Cycling makes me hungry so I give in to the hunger and eat more, then I feel guilty and hate myself so I try to disobey my hunger and get grumpy! I sound like a treasure don't I?
Sometimes it feels so hard to breath I wish I could get something to do it for me. It feels like such hard work. Everything seems like hard work. I somehow still manage to do certain things but feel no joy in anything I do. That's the worst thing about it all, feeling no joy. Feeling nothing. It's like a pit at bottom of my stomach, huge and empty and can never be filled. I keep hoping I when I go to sleep I will wake up and feel better but it just isn't happening yet.
I think about suicide a lot too. Yesterday was a particularly bad day and after shouting at my daughter for no reason I closed my eyes and imagined putting a gun in my mouth. She doesn't deserve a mother like me. I often think she would be better off without me but then later that night when I'm taking a bath she comes to me with great excitement and tells me about something she has seen on YouTube about monster high dolls and is so animated and happy about it that I smile and wonder how I could possibly leave her without a mother and let her experience all the pain I had when I lost my Mum. So I just have to endure these feelings until they go and learn the best way to deal with them, bite my tongue when I feel I'm going to snap and be a little kinder to myself and not beat myself up so much because wading though mud is really hard work.
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