My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 7.

The thing about chronic fatigue is it robs you of energy. Mixed with depression, you are robbed of energy and feeling good. If you are in a bad place with your mind and your body isn't willing to help your mind by distracting it with physical activity then it's a vicious circle.

I was working long days and nights mixed in, around looking after my daughter. I still didn't sleep after night shifts as the mood stabilisers rendered me unconscious sometimes and I was scared I wouldn't wake up in time to go and get my daughter and it would end up my ex finding out and using it against me, so I didn't take them. Whilst we were together, a couple of times I overslept and school would call me and I'd rush up there and get her form reception feeling terrible and apologising loads and my ex wouldn't bat an eyelid about it. But now that my ex was her named on her records I was bottom of the lists of contacts.

He had gone in to the school with the court order and changed the details of the first contact.With his gf as second contact. He had also told them about my suicide attempts and a couple times I had said I was going to fetch our daughter instead of her going to out of school club as she hated it. He had warned the school and they were on alert if I attempted to kidnap her. I was home and off work and I wasn't allowed to fetch her or they'd get the police involved.

I couldn't risk that as it wouldn't be fair on my daughter. No matter what I was, I wasn't a kidnapper. I was irrational and over emotional but I wasn't about to break the law. Plus she'd get so confused about days I was getting her if it wasn't a set day. One time she wanted to walk a little way home on her own with her friends so I waited halfway with the other mums and she forgot about it and she need up wandering around the playground not sure where she should be. She ended up going to out of school club and school called first my ex then his gf then my ex called me.

I was driving around the neighbourhood trying to find her and was panicking. I rang school and they said 'we've called her mum but she's in a meeting'. I was furious. This is what happens when you have a mental health problem and work shifts. You get shut out of your child's life. My ex called me and said not to worry as his gf was on her way to get her. You can guess what I said to him. I drove to the club and was made to stand on the doorstep so they could ring my ex to make sure I was allowed to pick her up. They had been alerted also that I was 'mentally unstable'. The thing was I was the one who enrolled her in the club and spent half a day there with her and now I was the baddy.

It was amazing in a few months I had gone from her main carer to being hardly involved in her life. There was no middle ground. I was now the estranged dad of the family. It was like my ex had been taken over by aliens. He had never been a bad father but now he was father of the year. The ex friend who slated me before had said that the group of friends we had been part of had always said that our daughter should be with my ex as he was a far better parent.

The thing was in public he appeared to be a great dad but in private he was back to normal. I did everything. Whilst we were out in public he would focus his attention on looking after our daughter so he wouldn't have to talk to the adults. He'd already admitted he felt intimidated with my friends. He would even change nappies when she was younger and feed her. I took the opportunity to have time off from being solely responsible for her. It came back to bite me in the ass.

It felt like grief. I was in denial and angry. I didn't like some other woman and my ex telling me what was good for my daughter and what to do with her and when. It was a constant barrage of texts and arguments. My relationship with my daughter had also changed, she had become very awkward and hostile towards me and had started bad mouthing me to my ex and his gf. It is common when children go to live with their other parent. But it was still hard to cope with.

Things escalated when they decided to send he to the school close to my ex's go's house. That meant leaving all her friends behind and all I got off my daughter was tears and tantrums over it. I was scared about her going to high school anyway. Every time I picked her up she would cry about having to leave her friends. I argued with my brother and my sister in law over it as well as my ex and unbeknownst to me my brother was colluding behind my back with my brother.

When I had taken the OD my ex had alerted my brother to 'look out' for me. The last person I wanted to know what was going on was my brother. He was opinionated, judgemental and arrogant at the best of times. He reckoned he was concerned about me. But my brother and sister in law just aren't those kind of people. I didn't trust them as far as I could throw them and they went on to prove that in style later on.

I had found a little bit of peace inside me and finding some energy from somewhere I managed to work extra shifts as I was living alone and had all the bills to pay. My daughters move to high school went without too much drama and I started talking again o a guy I had been speaking to briefly a few months earlier.  I tried to keep him at arms length as I wasn't interested in a relationship at that moment. He persisted and we got to talking about things. He was a good listener. But still I kept him at arms length.

It took him a while to persuade me he wasn't the same as other guys. I could see that. I had asked for someone kind, considerate, caring, compassionate and understanding and here he was. I trusted him. And finally had someone on my side to see the shit I put up with everyday.

He became my other half (OH). I introduced him to my brother in December and immediately he didn't like his attitude. My brother was being his rude obnoxious self. We had a falling out in the summer over my daughter and which school she was going to and not attending my nephews birthday party and we got back in touch just before my niece was born but it had been awkward. That day he was showing his true colours and my OH wasn't impressed.

They have never been my kind of people. I'm still not sure how you would describe them either. I've always been a bit of hippy and not bothered with fancy clothes or fancy or labels or expensive stuff. My brother and sister in law have always been about what they have got and outdoing their mates. My brother had always been a bit of a bully towards me and on many occasion told me how to live my life and how to what and what to spend my money on etc. He hurt me quite frequently with things used to say to me. But I loved him so most of the time I let it churn me up inside but never said anything.

I think my brother knew that my OH wasn't going to stand any bull. Then came another blow.

I texted my sister in law to ask her what they were doing that weekend and I got a vey long text back in return. I knew something wasn't right. The gist of the text was that my brother and sister in law had bumped into my ex and his gf in town one day and got chatting and found they liked each other and as my daughter was going to be at my ex's most of the time they were going to forge a relationship with them so that they could see my daughter more. They were big on family.

I was of course very upset as they could see my daughter when she was with me and besides my daughter really wasn't bothered about them. When my ex and I were together we had gone to solicitor and nominated who should have her should anything happen to both of us. We didn't nominate my brother and sister in law that was for sure. He talked to her like crap most of the time. And neither I nor my ex ever stood up to him for speaking to her that way.

It did me a favour really, my oppressive brother was finally out of my life. The downside was I wouldn't see my niece and nephew again. They have since started to go on holidays together which I have come to accept is good for my daughter.

My ex had taken me to CSA (child support agency) late 2013 and quite frankly left me in the shit. But I also had no energy to work extra hours at that time. I had managed to work extra for a couple of months but the energy soon ran out and I was back to scraping myself through the days and just getting by. I tried to call it off with my OH as I wouldn't be able to afford to do anything with him or contribute to anything. But he wouldn't have it. I swear, although was a few issues with jealousy on his part, that if it wasn't for him I don't think I would have made it this far.

There were times when our relationship was difficult and I was down from all the shite I was getting on my ex and his gf and exhausted from work and his jealousy would just tip me over the edge and I would feel suicidal again. It just seemed I couldn't get any peace anywhere so for a while it was difficult. I went off sick from work again as I could barely get out of bed with exhaustion. It was't fantastic for him either having a new partner who was so poorly.

But we stuck at it and he worked through his jealousy and I got my strength back. Then came my divorce papers!!

Things have moved on.

February 2015.
I've learned a lot in the last few months and things have taken a different direction for me. We are moving to the States next month for one thing. My partner got offered a job over there with his company. At the time he put the suggestion to me I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to live in the States or at least travel around the States. I was also at a point where I was sick of the falling out and just wanted to run away. I've always been like that. I just want to run away when things get too much.

Things were still pretty messy last summer, my relationship with my daughter wasn't the greatest. We butted heads most of the time. She has always managed to wrap me round her little finger and I give in too easily. She is a mobile 'phone and screen addict and if she's not looking at 1,2 or 3 screens she's 'bored'. I had very little energy to do anything so to wrestle the screens off her and try and get her to interact or do something with us was painful so I just didn't bother now she has no choice. And if she whinges (she seems to know when I'm flagging because the whinging gets more intense!) I ignore it or punish her for it. Seems easy solution eh? But I get dragged right back to my childhood and I think of me in her shoes and I feel sorry for her or bad. But being lenient doesn't do us any favours. And no that I have more energy I can stick to my guns.

I was also butting heads rather a lot with my ex and his girlfriend and just wanted to be away from it all. The divorce had started and the ex wanted ALL the profits from the house.So a fight ensued and basically yet again I had to admit defeat and give in or risk losing half my pension. I had to do what I could live with. And since practicing gratitude I can be grateful with what I've got rather than what I have lost.

This leads me on to the victim thing. I have learned over the last few months that I was a victim, I made myself a victim. I no longer chose to be a victim. Yes, sometimes things are hard to deal with but I can chose to lay down and weep or make the best of the situation and find a positive.

Positivity is not something I have done very well, the glass is always half full but you know what? Who gets anything from being so negative? Do good things happen to negative people? No, they don't.
Plus, I don't want to play being a victim anymore as it just attracts more drama. Instead now I practice gratitude. Mainly because of the book . There are many of these types of books out there but this one seems to sit right with me. I practice gratitude in everything I do and I seem to be much better for it. My wonderful partner is also a very positive person and he inspires me to see the positive in everything. No matter what the situation. He could have written The Secret to be honest! I guess living all the time with this kind of person eventually rubs off.

I have trouble making my mind up about how I see the world. There is always two sides to every argument, mostly, and I have trouble putting my faith in one side or the other. I can never totally subscribe to something because they/it will always do something to let me down and disappoint me. For example, I went to Buddhist meditation when I was really ill once and was hoping it would have the answers I needed. Only to listen to a teaching that went on to talk about depression as a punishment for something one did in their past life. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for that! Not in the here and now! Plus , one of the monks was wearing leather sandals and using a mobile 'phone. If I subscribe to something it has to wholeheartedly. No half measure. So I have just cherry picked most things and created my own 'religion' in some respects. But my thinking get challenged every day and just when I think I've gotten a handle on something, an idea or inspiration comes flying out of nowhere and boom, thinking altered once again.


Regarding my last post and antidepressants; I am off them totally now and only take my mood stabiliser for sleep as I love it makes me sleep! Insomnia is my sworn enemy. It was ok having insomnia before because I would just sleep when I could but now I don't want to be ruining my day having to go for a sleep then being awake half the night.

So I ask myself the question, if I can be off antidepressants now and haven't felt depressed except for the very odd occasion, why was I on them for years? To be perfectly honest I think it was the situation I was in. That's a whole different post. Plus I've had it mentioned more than once that I have probably got chronic fatigue syndrome and depression is a subcategory to this rather than depression first then fatigue. I know I can feel feel fatigue and not depression, that's for sure.

I did manage, with the help of my partner, to change my job and work agency so I could at least pick my own shifts but the long hours still took their toll. Fortunately, not for much longer.
However, I haven't kept up the acupuncture. Many reasons really but mostly financial as last year finances were a bit tough. As soon as some money came in, it went out again. But now I look at finances in a totally different way too. I don't chase money instead I practice feeling that I will get what I need and give money gratefully. For example; when I give my ex money for our daughter, I no longer begrudge it but give it with love. It takes some time to get the hang of but it really works.