A thank you is the cherry on the cake.

We all know that we should have manners. We bring our children up to have manners, to say please, thank you and be courteous. I am as guilty as many mothers saying to our children 'where are your manners?' or ' a thank you would be nice'. If you hold a door open or move out of the way for someone most of the time we would expect a thank you right?If a person doesn't say thank you when you do something, how do we feel? Annoyed? Angry? It's an injustice?

I remember doing things for people and saying it was ok that I was doing it but if I didn't get a thank you or something in return I would begrudge it, bemoan it, bemoan them. I could see a way I could be helpful or asked to help and I would help but when I had done the deed and I didn't get a thank you or reward, say monetary if I'd used petrol or bought something and they didn't pay me back, I would get angry about it and feel used, especially when the shoe was on the other foot and I needed help and they either refused or ignored my pleas or worse took over the situation.

What good did that anger do me? Nothing. It didn't change anything, it made me ill, it drove me mad, it made me resent people. And up until recently I was still using the phrase 'after all I've done for them'. Now I see the error of my ways.
                             
Firstly, I was expecting something in return for doing something. I don't know where this idea came from. I don't know if I was bought up with it? Yes, I was bought up with manners but where did I get the idea I had to expect something in return for good deeds? Is it the 'get what you give' principle? I think it probably is. I expected because I had given out my time and money etc that I should expect the same kind of consideration back. Right? Wrong.

I have learned that doing a deed for someone should be done with love and wholeheartedness. I should give what I can, when I can and do it because I want to, because I can do it and because I don't want anything in return. I mean anything as in nothing. I don't expect acknowledgement or thanks. Why? Because I have done this thing with love and wholeheartedness that I will get the gratitude from the act knowing it has helped someone. That is my thanks, that is my gratitude.

If you do something for someone and want something for it such as acknowledgment then you are expecting something in return. If you expect something in return and do not get it, you will lead to  disappointment and begrudging the act and/or the person.

The easiest thing to do is not expect anything. Not one single thing. Not even a thank you. Knowing you have done the act out of sheer love of doing the task or that it will make someones life easier is enough for me. The thank you is the cherry on the cake but without the cherry, the cake is just as nice isn't it?

For want of a better example, I use the harassed mother example. A lady is coming towards the shop you are in. She has a pushchair and a toddler with her that doesn't look too happy. You stand and open the door for her and she bustles in past you without any acknowledgement at all. Not even a simple thank you, so how does that make you feel? It could make you feel anything from a bit annoyed to really angry, depending on how you are feeling at the time and your mood at the time.

Imagine it makes you feel really angry. How dare she ignore you. How dare she not say thank you. Then you start thinking about all the people who have you aggrieved you and the lack of thanks you have gotten over a few things you have done for people. Ok this is an extreme reaction but I know I have sometimes felt like that. It sometimes only takes one thing to spark an avalanche of negative feelings.

So lets look back at harassed Mum. She is obviously having a bad time when you come across her. She is probably tired and having to back things in between feeding her baby. Things can be magnified  when a person is tired, harassed and under stress. We could look at it another way. What a great coincidence you were there to open the door of her. You made a moment in her life so much easier as she didn't have to wrestle with the door. I would then say to myself 'well done you for being in the right place at the right time and thank you for being a nice person.'

Even if the person coming through the door isn't harassed and just blanks you, for example a man in a suit, you would expect him to be polite and say thank you. We make assumptions of people quite quickly. You probably would not even expect a thank you from a teenager whose trousers are hanging off their bum. However, do we know that the suited man isn't distracted and having personal problems or that he's really narcissistic that he believes everyone should open the door for him and he should never open door for anyone. We have no way of knowing. The point is we can control how we feel about not receiving the thank you.

It doesn't matter whether the person you are opening the door for is an harassed mother, a suited guy or a teenager with saggy jeans. The fact of the matter is we are brought up to accept manner sin return for noble deeds. When we don't get them we tend to be peeved but we don't need to be peeved. We can take comfort that we did deeds with wholeheartedness and love.

Over the course of my life I have done favours for people, spent money on them, helped them out etc yet expected something in return from whatever source; monetary, thanks, presents, praise....but I have learned that I choose who I do things for and what the task is and if I do it for someone I do it wholeheartedly, with love and expect zero back. I no longer bend over backwards for people, put myself out or change plans unless I want to or do things I don't want to do. It got me nowhere in the past.

We have had it instilled in us to be polite and have manners but just because we don't say thank you or reciprocate someones actions does not mean we are ungrateful. Perhaps the person who didn't say thank you is preoccupied or think they are a bit above themselves or you. The mere act of doing what is necessary to make something better for someone else is enough of a thank you. We can thank ourselves for being thoughtful and generous and in the right place at the right with the ability to do the act. How wonderful is that? We were there at the right time, the right place and we had the ability to help. Thank goodness you were there. The universe will thank you for your generosity too. It does;t have to be the person you did the deed for.

For example, if you donate some money, do it with sheer joy. Say to yourself 'I am grateful I have this money,  I am fortunate enough that I can afford to give it away and I give it to you wholeheartedly with love and hope it will help you get where you need to be'. Don't expect a thank you in return, just know that you helped someone because you were able to is the universe thanking you for being a good person. If the person or charity send you a thank you then that is the cherry on the cake. A nice addition to an already bloody lovely slice of cake.

Vulnerability vultures.

I don't know anything about psychology so won't pretend to and this post is just based on personal experience and hearing other people go through kind of the same thing. I'm sure if any psychologists read this they can pigeon hole the characters into boxes but I'll leave that to the experts.

What I have noticed over the years being the kind of person I am it that I attract a certain kind of personality. I have mental health issues such as depression so sometimes I used to not happy be with myself and suffer loneliness so any kind of attention that came my way I would grab with both hands.  I guess I was needy. The kind of person I am on about is just as needy but in a different kind of way. They need someone to bolster their ego. To boost their sense of elevated self. A bit narcissistic. The type of person I'm talking about like to have you around at their beck and call but rarely return the favour. They like you to compliment them and they judge you on your looks and the way you dress some or all of the time. They tell you what to do with your money and judge for spending it things they wouldn't. They have something to say about every aspect of your life and you always seem to come away from being with them in anger for something they said or did. The world revolves around them.

I am the kind of person that is vulnerable to this kind of person. I am an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, put myself out for others, or at least I used to. The above type of people could see me coming a mile off. I was a star shining in the black night of their universe. They would throw out a line and I would be hooked. They'd play to my insecurities at first, plenty of communications, how am I doing? Wanting to spend time with me. I was flattered and felt honoured I guess. How could someone like me have attracted this attention off someone like them? They are usually confident and sometimes arrogant. They are knowledgeable and appear nice. But they have a sting like a scorpion.

Once they have you in their grasp, they will start asking favours off you, this will turn into expecting favours and when you don't act the way they want you to they start bad mouthing you to people. Yet you have done nothing wrong? Maybe you have been sick of them taking advantage of you are have been distancing yourself? They hate that. Where are you? Why haven't you answered my calls/texts?

Yet when they have something going on in their lives they disappear for a while until they need something. If it's their birthday, they want a fuss. If they plan to have you over for a meal they make a massive deal out of it. If it's not reciprocated in the same way then you haven't made the effort for them and you are a bad person. Do you find you dread their visits? I know I did but I was too polite, weak or stupid to say 'no thanks'.

Luckily one of those types of people in my life left it of their own choice, I was upset as it was a relative but really it was a blessing in disguise. The other person, I distanced myself from but boy did I get it with both barrels when I annoyed her. It all came tumbling out what a terrible low rate citizen I was. I was a terrible mother, nurse, person and I would never amount to anything. I would always be ill because I liked being ill. I didn't want to get better according to her. I was selfish and would always be in debt as I was frivolous and stupid.My daughter was better off with her dad and I would probably lose her altogether because of the type or person I was. I was a psycho because I had mental health problems and saw a psychiatrist.

It was a blow then, I admit. I was ill and didn't seem to be getting better. I wasn't a brilliant mum and my daughter did go and live with her father eventually because of illness and shift work and I had never climbed the ladder in my career. A lot of it was true. But what kind of person takes all your flaws and hangs them out to dry for you? Not a good one. I know my flaws, I didn't need the everyone picking the scabs off them. Stupid thing was I defended this person over and over again as she stormed through life upsetting people. Yet when I told her this she said 'I didn't ask you to' I thought thats what friends did but you know what? She was right.

I have learned a heck of a lot in the last year and even though this happened years ago,  still let it haunt me. Her words racing around my head punishing me. Then not so long ago I worked on it in a session with my acupuncturist. And she was gone. At last and I wish her well. But there is one thing for sure, I will not be taken in by that kind of person again. Even if I am I will cut them loose as soon as they start trying to walk all over me.

Lessons learned from being with these people.

1. Do things for people that make you feel good, not things you will begrudge. If you don't want to do it say no, there's no need to explain.

2. Be true to yourself. Do not behave a certain way to please someone else. E.g if you like doing something and they belittle it, you stop doing it. Don't. It's only their opinion. Or if they like something they expect you to get interested in it too. Don't just go along with it just to please them.

3. Do not befriend anyone who seems to take an unhealthy interest in your life and wants to be your new best friend and with you 24/7. It's not for your gain. They aren't doing it because you a super person, they are doing it for purely selfish reasons.

4. If people offer you something to help you out, they should not expect anything in return, If you have that friend or relative who says 'after all the things I've done for you' then remind them, they offered to help. I used to be like this until I learned to give wholeheartedly. I give because I want to, not expect anything in return. They give to get something in return. I also used to do things under duress and then complain about it so now I don't so it at all.

5. If any relationship is one sided, either on your part or theirs, then it's probably not going to work. She was over enthusiastic with texts and calls and I did't want to reciprocate. That's a sure sign the relationship isn't a good one.

6. If you are ill and ask them for help, they will not be there for you. They pretend they are but it's not wholehearted. When the shoe is on the other foot they expect you in attendance 24/7. If you aren't you get the riot act read at you. They may also force help onto you. Do not accept it. They will only through it back at you later.

7. Be very careful what you tell this kind of person. They will use it against you at some point.

8. Keep these people at a distance. Difficult if you are related to them but take the relationship at face value and try not to invest much energy into it.

9. The comments and 'advice' given by these types of people are said because they have short comings in their word, not yours. Try not to take it personally.

10. If the relationship is causing too much distress for you. If it has become toxic then get out. Not matter what the pain. Cut them lose to go and upset someone else or themselves. You do not deserve that crap!

11. Stay away from these people in the first place. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not put you down. Life is too short.

12. If someone has an opinion on your life and they have not lived through or with the things you have then they have no right to comment on your life. I am guilty of doing this in the past but not anymore. As Brene Brown says, 'unless you have fought in the arena, their opinion does not matter'.

Be brave. Be kind to you.

Prenatal depression.

A lot of people may have head of postnatal depression but how many have heard of prenatal?
Like depression in males, it's an unspoken illness. Many women will probably feel unable to talk about it for many reasons. I have a strong feeling one of those reasons will be shame; shame that you are carrying a child and you should be happy?

Whatever your journey to becoming pregnant, you are or have been at some point sunk into a pit of awfulness that made it all the more difficult to deal with in spite of pregnancy or because of pregnancy. Question is what can be done about it?

From personal experience and reading about others personal experiences it seems that the NHS fails them/us greatly. Resources are few and far between but there are prenatal depression teams out there. Psychiatrists specialising in pregnant women are out there but getting one might be a problem. I was lucky enough to get one but she was still not the responsible caring physician she should have been. It may be that you get referred to one and that in itself is a relief but the person at the other end of the referral may not be the answer to someones prayers.

It's just something that you may come across. If you do and you find that the person you have been referred to isn't what you expected and you don't get on then do not despair. It could be a strong trigger for you but please do not think that it is the end of the road.

On many occasions I have put my life in the hands of healthcare professionals and been sorely disappointed and nearly thrown in the towel. But somehow I have managed to keep going. And so must you. Somehow.

Perinatal depression does not mean:-

You are a failure. You are not, you are ill.

Incapable of looking after your child when it is born.

You will have a propensity for post natal depression.

You don't deserve your child. You do.

You will continue to be ill after the child is born, for years maybe. There is no way of knowing whether you will continue to suffer depression in the future.

A bad person for being ungrateful for the child growing in you. That is not true at all. You are ill and it will get better.

You will have your child taken away from you. That again isn't true. Only extreme cases of mental ill health have their children taken into care.

What can be done to deal with it?

First of all, talk about it. Admit it. You are not a failure for admitting it. Talk to someone you can trust. If you have a partner, let them know.

Find help on the net. Panda is a great resource, although it's based in Australia it may just give you the boost you need.

Finding mothers with prenatal depression might help too. Attending groups for mothers with prenatal depression will make you feel less alone. A mental health professional should be able to point you in the direction but if there isn't one locally, try  and find one on the internet.

Go to your GP. Hopefully they will be understanding and get you some counselling to help you through your pregnancy and the first few months of your babies life.

Realise that your feelings are an illness talking. Not reality. You may have all sort of horrid thoughts going though your head but they aren't reality.

Try and find some positives in everyday. Even the smallest things. And focus on them rather than giving the negative thoughts room to breathe. Suffocate them and push them out of your mind. You are not this thoughts.

Research it and look into it. The more you read about it the more you will be informed.

Write a diary. It's a good way of getting your feelings out. You can always destroy it when you are feeling better.

Complimentary therapies are a great way to help alleviate all sorts of symptoms and can be done whilst you are pregnant. I chose acupuncture, which more than once saved me. They are quite safe to use whilst pregnant as long as your practitioner knows you are pregnant.

Use mental health resources on the net such as Sane or Mind. You might find something helpful there.

Talk to your employer. They might be able to offer you support and help through occupational health department. Some employers offer a counselling service. Talk to you boss about a change in hours maybe or unpaid time off perhaps.

Read self help books about depression. There are not a lot of books out there about prenatal depression but many about depression. Something might strict a cord with you and be the stepping stone you need.

Read books about gratitude, positivity and mindfulness. They are great practices for grounding us and bringing us back to reality. Depression takes us to a place that isn't real.

You can take antidepressants whilst pregnant, but they are limited to which ones. No one antidepressant is licensed in the UK for use in pregnancy however evidence suggests that untreated mothers are more of a risk than treated ones and some antidepressants that have been around longer have not proven to effect the unborn baby.

Do know that you aren't alone and it will ease. Be brave and strong and find whatever it is you need to keep yourself going from one day to the next. Self love and self care are very important and you are very significant in this world. You are important.

Mental ill health amongst NHS employees.

The BBC  have published today that the rise in NHS employees with mental health problems has doubled since 2010. The thing is what are they going to do about it?

There is lots of info telling us that NHS funding for mental health services are being cut. 70% of patients with mental health problems don't get access to mental health services and the NHS not long ago implemented 'change day' where one of it's objectives was for it's staff to be more open about their mental health problems. Time to change  launched a campaign in 2010 called  'Open your mind' and NHS change day 2014 have worked in conjunction with Time to change to deliver better recognition and help for NHS workers with mental health problems.

There is a lot of information for employees and managers to use in order to help someone with mental health issues but what is in place to help them deal with their problem?

I no longer work in the NHS and in fact due to physical and mental health problems I have given up work as a nurse. Why?

I cannot physically do 12.5 hour shifts.
I struggle with lack of sleep on nights and it interfered with taking medication.
I had to have fixed days due to court order child care arrangements, these are 'worked' around as much as possible but it's not always possible to give the nurse what he/she wants.
There was no option given to not do nights and go onto short days as they had to cover the service and if you are not up to the job then it was up to you to find another one.

When the working time directives came in I was off sick with a relapse, I received notification through the post that these were coming into force. On returning to duty I saw occupational health who said 'if you don't do the long days, you will be talking yourself out of a job'.

This sent me into a hysterical meltdown as the thought of having to do 2 long days on a row a week would floor me. I was already in a really bad place. This wasn't what I needed to hear. I later found out colleagues had been allowed to do short days due to health issues and refusal of doing long days but I had already signed up for long days by then due to what I was told by Occupational health.

I was also offered 'counselling' by Bupa. 6 hourly sessions. I was told my needs were too complex for them so should see my NHS mental health team. Trouble is I couldn't get an appointment and even though I was referred for a community mental health team they saw me and told me they would find me a nurse for support but when I asked about it, it turned out I had been discharged.

Maybe I am an extreme case, I don't know but I asked Time to Change and NHS change day what was being put in place for all these staff coming forward with mental health problems. Anything? I told them of my situation and was tweeted 'this happens all too often'. How is that helpful? What is an employee supposed to do with that when faced with working longs days they can't cope with and/or having problems/stress in life? They haven't answered me.

Time to change were just pointing towards patient experience being better but that's not what I was asking about. If mental ill health has doubled since 2010 and NHS mental health services are being cut all the time then who helps it's frontline staff cope? Where are the counsellors? Therapists? Support groups? CBT? It's all very well aknowledging you have a mental health problem but how is that going to help you?

From experience some of the nurses I worked with will tell you they cannot handle people with mental health problems or indeed colleagues with MH problems. They don't know how to talk about it so I guess thats where NHS change day helps. But what about the staff who have no interest in talking about it? Or the ones that don't even want to talk to someone with MH problems. They openly admitted that patients with MH problems wasn't their problem, just fixing the medical side of it was. I openly talked about my mental health problems, medication, self harm, and suicidal feelings but on more than one occasion was told 'it shouldn't be discussed at work or I was an 'extreme case'. My team leader once said I should keep my personal problems out of work as it wasn't the place to discuss them. Many nurses I came across belittled self harmers and addicts and openly admitted not wanting to look after them. Few were compassionate enough to do so.

I realise change takes time and I missed the boat with regards to the campaigns that were happening. I was trying to make MH more of a focus at work and tried to get a project up and running for staff but I ran out of steam due to stress at home and eventually left after a time off work.

Times have changed from a few years ago when if you were off sick, you were off sick. There is a strong focus on a staff member doing work regardless of what it is and reducing the sickness stats. There is phased return but unless you use holiday or unpaid leave you are expected to come back at your normal hours. I'm not suggesting the NHS should carry everyone but this seems like a ticking time bomb and quite clearly is a problem that needs addressing.

The NHS should surely make looking after it's staff properly a priority, not sticking a plaster over a gaping wound with no plan on how it's going to put the would back together?

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 7.

The thing about chronic fatigue is it robs you of energy. Mixed with depression, you are robbed of energy and feeling good. If you are in a bad place with your mind and your body isn't willing to help your mind by distracting it with physical activity then it's a vicious circle.

I was working long days and nights mixed in, around looking after my daughter. I still didn't sleep after night shifts as the mood stabilisers rendered me unconscious sometimes and I was scared I wouldn't wake up in time to go and get my daughter and it would end up my ex finding out and using it against me, so I didn't take them. Whilst we were together, a couple of times I overslept and school would call me and I'd rush up there and get her form reception feeling terrible and apologising loads and my ex wouldn't bat an eyelid about it. But now that my ex was her named on her records I was bottom of the lists of contacts.

He had gone in to the school with the court order and changed the details of the first contact.With his gf as second contact. He had also told them about my suicide attempts and a couple times I had said I was going to fetch our daughter instead of her going to out of school club as she hated it. He had warned the school and they were on alert if I attempted to kidnap her. I was home and off work and I wasn't allowed to fetch her or they'd get the police involved.

I couldn't risk that as it wouldn't be fair on my daughter. No matter what I was, I wasn't a kidnapper. I was irrational and over emotional but I wasn't about to break the law. Plus she'd get so confused about days I was getting her if it wasn't a set day. One time she wanted to walk a little way home on her own with her friends so I waited halfway with the other mums and she forgot about it and she need up wandering around the playground not sure where she should be. She ended up going to out of school club and school called first my ex then his gf then my ex called me.

I was driving around the neighbourhood trying to find her and was panicking. I rang school and they said 'we've called her mum but she's in a meeting'. I was furious. This is what happens when you have a mental health problem and work shifts. You get shut out of your child's life. My ex called me and said not to worry as his gf was on her way to get her. You can guess what I said to him. I drove to the club and was made to stand on the doorstep so they could ring my ex to make sure I was allowed to pick her up. They had been alerted also that I was 'mentally unstable'. The thing was I was the one who enrolled her in the club and spent half a day there with her and now I was the baddy.

It was amazing in a few months I had gone from her main carer to being hardly involved in her life. There was no middle ground. I was now the estranged dad of the family. It was like my ex had been taken over by aliens. He had never been a bad father but now he was father of the year. The ex friend who slated me before had said that the group of friends we had been part of had always said that our daughter should be with my ex as he was a far better parent.

The thing was in public he appeared to be a great dad but in private he was back to normal. I did everything. Whilst we were out in public he would focus his attention on looking after our daughter so he wouldn't have to talk to the adults. He'd already admitted he felt intimidated with my friends. He would even change nappies when she was younger and feed her. I took the opportunity to have time off from being solely responsible for her. It came back to bite me in the ass.

It felt like grief. I was in denial and angry. I didn't like some other woman and my ex telling me what was good for my daughter and what to do with her and when. It was a constant barrage of texts and arguments. My relationship with my daughter had also changed, she had become very awkward and hostile towards me and had started bad mouthing me to my ex and his gf. It is common when children go to live with their other parent. But it was still hard to cope with.

Things escalated when they decided to send he to the school close to my ex's go's house. That meant leaving all her friends behind and all I got off my daughter was tears and tantrums over it. I was scared about her going to high school anyway. Every time I picked her up she would cry about having to leave her friends. I argued with my brother and my sister in law over it as well as my ex and unbeknownst to me my brother was colluding behind my back with my brother.

When I had taken the OD my ex had alerted my brother to 'look out' for me. The last person I wanted to know what was going on was my brother. He was opinionated, judgemental and arrogant at the best of times. He reckoned he was concerned about me. But my brother and sister in law just aren't those kind of people. I didn't trust them as far as I could throw them and they went on to prove that in style later on.

I had found a little bit of peace inside me and finding some energy from somewhere I managed to work extra shifts as I was living alone and had all the bills to pay. My daughters move to high school went without too much drama and I started talking again o a guy I had been speaking to briefly a few months earlier.  I tried to keep him at arms length as I wasn't interested in a relationship at that moment. He persisted and we got to talking about things. He was a good listener. But still I kept him at arms length.

It took him a while to persuade me he wasn't the same as other guys. I could see that. I had asked for someone kind, considerate, caring, compassionate and understanding and here he was. I trusted him. And finally had someone on my side to see the shit I put up with everyday.

He became my other half (OH). I introduced him to my brother in December and immediately he didn't like his attitude. My brother was being his rude obnoxious self. We had a falling out in the summer over my daughter and which school she was going to and not attending my nephews birthday party and we got back in touch just before my niece was born but it had been awkward. That day he was showing his true colours and my OH wasn't impressed.

They have never been my kind of people. I'm still not sure how you would describe them either. I've always been a bit of hippy and not bothered with fancy clothes or fancy or labels or expensive stuff. My brother and sister in law have always been about what they have got and outdoing their mates. My brother had always been a bit of a bully towards me and on many occasion told me how to live my life and how to what and what to spend my money on etc. He hurt me quite frequently with things used to say to me. But I loved him so most of the time I let it churn me up inside but never said anything.

I think my brother knew that my OH wasn't going to stand any bull. Then came another blow.

I texted my sister in law to ask her what they were doing that weekend and I got a vey long text back in return. I knew something wasn't right. The gist of the text was that my brother and sister in law had bumped into my ex and his gf in town one day and got chatting and found they liked each other and as my daughter was going to be at my ex's most of the time they were going to forge a relationship with them so that they could see my daughter more. They were big on family.

I was of course very upset as they could see my daughter when she was with me and besides my daughter really wasn't bothered about them. When my ex and I were together we had gone to solicitor and nominated who should have her should anything happen to both of us. We didn't nominate my brother and sister in law that was for sure. He talked to her like crap most of the time. And neither I nor my ex ever stood up to him for speaking to her that way.

It did me a favour really, my oppressive brother was finally out of my life. The downside was I wouldn't see my niece and nephew again. They have since started to go on holidays together which I have come to accept is good for my daughter.

My ex had taken me to CSA (child support agency) late 2013 and quite frankly left me in the shit. But I also had no energy to work extra hours at that time. I had managed to work extra for a couple of months but the energy soon ran out and I was back to scraping myself through the days and just getting by. I tried to call it off with my OH as I wouldn't be able to afford to do anything with him or contribute to anything. But he wouldn't have it. I swear, although was a few issues with jealousy on his part, that if it wasn't for him I don't think I would have made it this far.

There were times when our relationship was difficult and I was down from all the shite I was getting on my ex and his gf and exhausted from work and his jealousy would just tip me over the edge and I would feel suicidal again. It just seemed I couldn't get any peace anywhere so for a while it was difficult. I went off sick from work again as I could barely get out of bed with exhaustion. It was't fantastic for him either having a new partner who was so poorly.

But we stuck at it and he worked through his jealousy and I got my strength back. Then came my divorce papers!!

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 6.

My husband eventually moved out as I had pets so renting would be tricky and also I had moved in and out that many times I couldn't face doing it again. Our daughter used to have lot of friends round in the holidays and my husband wouldn't allow them in the house so it was better I was there. I promised not to stitch him over the money that could be left over should we sell the house.

In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.

I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.

I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.

The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.

My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.

It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.

I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.

I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.

The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.

My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.

I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.

Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.

But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 5.

Embarking on an affair with a married man is one the stupidest things I ever did and I had no dignity for myself or respect for anyone involved. It nearly destroyed me several times.

I moved out of the marital home and into a rented house nearby. I strongly believe in feathers as a sign from people who have passed. I say it's my mum when I see a feather. The morning I rushed back from the school run to get paperwork to go and get a house rented out I saw feathers everywhere. 

But I told myself because the house I was getting was in the next street to the marital home (so our I wouldn't have to move our daughter away from her friends) and I could afford it that it was meant to be. 

I also thought having this house would mean that my married man would come to me. Just like going to New Zealand, it didn't work. I could write a whole book about the things that happened but I won't bore you with the details other than he acted like a married man. He was text book. Getting a second phone so he could text me, using business trips as a way of us going away for the night, pretending to go to work but seeing me all day. We would be skyping virtually all day when we couldn't see each other. 

I should have known, indeed I did know that it wasn't going to work by the fact that I'd gone on a trip abroad with a friend when we first got together and whilst I was away he told me he couldn't do it. I rang him and he cried but after a day started to text again and this was to be the pattern for many months to come.

On 3 occasions, he 'moved' in. Well, the first one he rang to say he was leaving his wife and could he live with me. I was shocked but allowed it. That night he seemed ok but the next day was acting a bit weird before he went to work. He texted me not long after he had left my house and said he needed to go and see his kids after work as they were upset. I said it was no problem and I'd see him later, then I went upstairs. The majority of the stuff he'd brought with him the night beforehand gone. He had left. 

I was furious. But I let him do this to me over and over again. Each time getting weaker and weaker in one way and stronger in another. 

I had started to work more hours working three nights a week and my husband would only have our daughter on the nights I worked. She had taken to getting up when I'd gone to bed and I'd find her watching TV all hours of the night plus she wouldn't go to bed for me and every night was stressful trying to get her to bed and to sleep. I was so tired from working all the time and barely getting any sleep. My husband was meanwhile doing all the things I wanted to do like going out, going to the cinema or having a meal. He seemed a changed man but he wouldn't leave me alone. If I didn't text him he sulked, if I did he would persuade me to see him once our daughter had gone to bed and do all the things he never did whilst we were together like cook a meal for us both and watch a movie together and even share a bottle of wine.

Wine had become a very good friend of mine at this time and I had started drinking a lot. It quelled the pain of hurt, loneliness, anger and bitterness. It also stopped the tears. I cried a hell of a lot during that time. I didn't know any other way of dealing with it. I didn't know half of what I know now of dealing with life than I do now. Maybe I wasn't in the right place to do it back then?

Whilst on a break from MM (married man) I started seeing someone else who liked to drink also. It was a dangerous mixture. I had told him about MM and he was understanding and even shared the texts with him MM would send me whilst we were together. I'd told MM to leave me alone as I was seeing someone else but he wouldn't leave me be and although I had ignored him for a short time when things went wrong with the guy I was back in touch and seeing MM again.

I would miss out on sleeping after my shifts in order to see MM and it was taking it's toll. I was getting very little sleep and was very stressed out. The thrill and excitement had gone but I was stuck with being dependant on this guy. It all came to a head when I'd not slept properly for days and he lied to me again about coming to be with me. It was all a bit too much and I took an overdose. I didn't really want to die, just sleep but stupidly I had done it whilst my daughter was with me. I don't know what I was thinking. The case was referred to social services and after I'd been discharged form hospital it was decided that I would move back into the marital home so that our daughter was safe and social services would be happy that I wasn't on my own with her. Little did I know that my husband would use this against me at a later date. 

I couldn't stay away from MM despite what I had been through and after a while back at home, in separate rooms, I saw him again or was at least in touch with him. Despite trying to give my marriage a go, my heart wasn't in it and I missed MM so much. My husband found out and I got kicked out again and went back to my rental place briefly. But after a short time I was back at the marital home. I can't exactly remember the sequence of events. It's all very fussy and confusing. 

My husband and I started to live sort of separate lives. So I did see MM now and again. He had moved out and sold his marital home and was living alone in a place I could have only ever dreamed of living. I thought perhaps this was it and we would finally be together but something wasn't right. He was acting very strangely. He wasn't keen on me staying overnight.  If I did he would have me out the house by the crack of dawn claiming he had meetings to go to. I never stood up to him or asked to be left in bed and I would let myself out later. When I was getting ready to leave he would scan the house and make sure I'd left nothing behind. He claimed was so his children didn't see anything so I bought it. 

Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. One night he said he was staying in and watching a movie. He hardly texted me that night and I knew he was lying so I drove to his house and his car wasn't there. Later that night when he started texting again I challenged him and he denied everything. He was good at doing that. He had done it a lot in the past and his wife had even confirmed some of my beliefs on a few things. I went round and he wouldn't open the door but when I started shouting he did as it was a small village and he had an appearance to keep up.

I threw the presents he had given me for christmas back at him and a necklace he had given me the christmas before and said good riddance. I badgered and badgered him on text after to tell me the truth about what had been going on and he still denied anything had. But eventually after banding insults backwards and forwards he admitted he'd been seeing a girl his sister worked with who lived int the village. That explained everything.

He still denied how long he'd been seeing her as he said it was only once but it had been weeks. I also found out that the liaison he'd had with a girl from the office before we had gotten together was more than a kiss in the carpark. I'm not saying I was in the wrong but jut that this was the type of person I really didn't need ever in my life.

I had the ability to attract the vultures of the vulnerable easily. One of my ex friends was one. I hadn't really wanted to be friends with her but she wouldn't leave me alone. I took it as flattery rather than what it was. A following for her. I kept the relationship up for years but when I had finished the relationship with MM and started to look at other avenues to occupy myself she slated everything I did. Apparently she had been having a go about me for a long time behind my back but it didn't come to light until I accidentally offended her on text then the proverbial hit the fan.

Ironically she did me a favour as she had reported me to social services for drinking too heavily and sleeping whilst our daughter was in the house so I stopped drinking and went to work weekends instead. I had taken on a challenge to keep my mind off MM so that gave me chance int he week to fundraise for it whilst my daughter was at school. 

My husband and I seemed to carry on after all the stuff with MM but I still struggled to be his wife. Sex was always begrudged and I never had any libido. We still had separate rooms because I found it annoying if I was fast asleep then he'd wake me up on coming to bed and then I wouldn't get back to sleep. I found a new lease of life in cycling though and training for a big bike ride in Africa. So things just bumbled along and I forgot about everyday life and just focused on fundraising and bike riding. 

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 4.

May contain triggers for you. Stay safe.

There is a tree in the middle of a field where I used to walk my dog. That tree was my comfort blanket. I imagined myself hanging from it. Not the putting of the rope around the branch or the physical act of looping it around my neck or how horrid it would feel to die. Just the peace I felt seeing the figure limp and lifeless, hanging there. At peace at last.

Morbid? yes, weird? maybe? Why was it a comfort? Because it meant that if the figure was me I would be free from all these terrible feelings and free of the conflict my brain was constantly throwing at me. The guilt was like a lead weight suffocating me. Why did I feel this way?

Personally I think I had done more than my body could take and the fatigue precipitated the depression. I was exhausted but I was also depressed. I've seen the same pattern over and over again. I get exhausted and then really depressed. I can be tired and start getting depressed but then I get exhausted and become much more depressed. It's not the normal kind of tiredness, it's not relieved by sleep and I could sleep for hours and hours and still feel dreadful.

I was on antidepressants and was still under the mother and baby psychiatrist but still felt my mood wasn't improving with the drugs so my psych changed it. I stayed on citalopram for a while then was discharged from the mother and baby psychiatrist when my daughter was a year old, which was the normal thing. I had appointments every 3 months to keep a close eye on me but every time I went, I saw a new face and had to repeat everything again. After the 3rd visit I lost all faith in the psychiatric system again as the doctor I was with kept nodding off on me. I answered his questions with 'yes/no' answers juts to get to over with and get out of there. It felt like a farce. It felt like no one was listening anymore.

I just pretended everything was ok but it wasn't. I went to my GP and asked to swapped to a drug I had briefly tried before. He refused and said I needed to change my life style. I told him I was trying and had done what I could but still felt suicidal. He asked me with what I thought at the time was a very a patronising tone, why I hadn't killed myself yet. I was getting very upset and angry and aware I was shouting, I have a loud voice anyway so it doesn't take much for me to sound louder. I screamed at him though gritted teeth 'because I have a child'. He was still not going to change my tablets so I stormed out the surgery and headed home. I bloody mindedly cancelled my psychiatric appointments knowing to get one again may result in me having to go on the waiting list again and decided I would do it all alone and come off my pills altogether.

It wasn't long before I was struggling again so decided to contact the MIND advocacy people to have a representative come with me to talk to the GP. I felt that being on my own they could say anything and be unhelpful and I was very vulnerable. Having someone with me had always proved beneficial in the past. My husband wouldn't come with me and I didn't have anyone I could ask to go with me. These people are trained for these situations so knew it was the right thing to do. I was determined to go back to the GP and face up to him and get him to help me. By the time I got an appointment again, that GP had left so got a locus instead. He could not have been a nicer person. He was understanding, helpful and caring. He rang my psychiatrist there and then and spoke to him. By that time legislation had changed and GP's could no longer prescribe certain drugs, only psychiatrists could.

I went back to see my psychiatrist and this time actual saw the consultant. He was ok with me after he told me I should never take my medication into my own hands and my treatment needed close supervision! Anyway after discussion he agreed with me to go back on the meds I had been on a while back, Venlafaxine. I was on a really small dose as I found the side effects to be horrid.

I found it very hard to function, although I did my best for my daughter. She was never neglected, but I only had the energy for her and my gran and that was about it. I was also having dreadful trouble with my stomach. The doctors said it was IBS and gave me a shed load of pills to help with it. It kept me up at night in agony and I felt like I had been poisoned a lot of the time. I was really sensitive to a lot of foods and was experimenting with cutting things out, avoiding dairy, stuff like that. I didn't drink a lot at the time either.

I couldn't face the possibility of going back to work and as the weeks rolled by I still had trouble coming to terms with going back. I just had about enough energy to do the basics. I was having acupuncture again and eating better and slowly the depression and suicidal thoughts subsided but I still couldn't stand the thought of going back to work. It was the momentum I didn't think I could stand and I wasn't good at pacing myself. Luckily, my husband was earning good money so I asked him if I could give up or until I was fully better. I know I berated him for not helping me out but I was and am grateful he allowed me to give up work.

I say 'allowed' because I couldn't just give up  work without his say so. We could manage financially but it would mean he would be responsible for all the bills etc. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I would have struggled with the concept.

With nothing else to cloud my recovery I embarked on looking after my daughter and my granny and granddad and living a very simple life. A easier life. I began to get my energy back and feel more positive. I took 8 months off work altogether and began thinking about getting another job. Very part time hours only. I ended up asking my ex manager if I could get a job back in the place I worked when my daughter had been born. I got one night a week. The manager was ok with us doing fixed nights but not fixed days. I thought one night a week would be fine. I had to do it at the weekend so we wouldn't have to pay for childcare so my husband could spend some quality time with our daughter also.

He was doing the house up at the time so spent most weekends doing DIY therefore he never got to spend quality time with her. It was a good opportunity for them both. The only thing was he would spend her the time with her going to DIY stores! Gradually I got back into the swing of things and started working 2 nights a week but it was hard work. I'd try to sleep the day of my night shift for an hour or 2 before I got my daughter from school then go to work and hardly sleep the next day as I found it hard to do that. I'd probably get 2-3 hours max in the day then pick her up from school. Some days I was so desperate to get back to sleep that as soon as my husband walked in the door I would go to bed. Then the next day I'd do the same again as I had another night shift to do.

My husband continued to not have much interest in being a father to our daughter and I was solely responsible for her. 24/7. I found this very difficult being so tired after a night shift and dragging myself to get her from school after 3 hours sleep at most. I was in a constant fog of tiredness and lack of sleep followed by insomnia. It wasn't pleasant.

I carried on this way for a couple of years. I'd always known when I had gotten married that life would be the same day in and day out with not much to look forward to in the way of holidays and I could predict the future totally. A few breaks away camping, myself and my daughter and trips to see friends broke up the monotony. Nothing changed. I craved excitement. Mostly I was doing ok and could manage with a few short lived blips in between but with a nagging sense of boredom.

Our daughter was nearly 4 by then and I'd started to entertain myself to relieve the boredom by fantasising that a guy would come and sweep me off my feet and rescue me from the mundanity. Writing this now I can see it's ridiculous. I was very unhappy with my husband and should have just found somewhere to live and leave him. Messing about on Facebook I came across a guy I used to know from school and messaged him.

Messages passed back and forth for a while, mainly about life and what we had been up to. Then he started asking if we could meet. And although the thought was exciting I was nervous. I didn't even consider my husbands feelings as I thought I had nagged and begged long enough for some help, even just go in work a little later so I could get straight to bed and get an extra hours sleep but it never happened. I switched off my capacity to care about what he thought. I know now it was wrong.

We were getting closer to meeting all the time and when we'd finally arranged on a date I had cold feet. I remember coming back from the school run one morning and ringing him saying I couldn't do it as he had so much to lose from seeing me. I didn't think I had anything to lose. I was my daughters total carer so my daughter would always stay with me. Fathers don't generally get custody of their children and become part time. How naive I was.

He persuaded me to see him and I agreed. I lied about where I was going but my husband knew I was up to something. After the first night we spent together I knew then I would leave my marriage. I thought we would be together as we were meant to be. I was on cloud nine. I felt more alive than I had done for a long time.

But this was the start, as I'm sure you can imagine, of incredible heart ache and pain for us all.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder.Part 3.

Contains candid content that may trigger. Be careful.

I'd never lived with a partner before. Only my dad and my brother and mum of course.

I'd sort of got idea that although a woman worked she was expected to do all the house work etc as well. I had grown up in a traditional sort of family with my Gran staying at home and doing all the 'caring' whilst my Granddad provided and hunter gathered. It was a great childhood. But in order for us to live in the house we had in the village we did my mum had to get a job. My dad worked nights and my mum worked early mornings. She got fed up of doing all the chores so asked my dad to do the pots when he came in from work. It was horrendous. He'd get in at 7 is and the noise from him losing his temper was awful. My mum suffered from extreme tiredness and thinking about it the house was always very clean and tidy. Clothes were always washed and put away yet she never got any thanks for it. And I was starting to see where she had been coming form.

My energy levels had never been fantastic but when my HTB (husband to be) and I moved in together the amount of work I was doing started taking their toll. I kept thinking hopefully he'd start to lift a finger and help me with the house work or see that things needed doing. But alas it was not to be. My brother had the same attitude when he had briefly lived with me and now it seemed so did my HTB.

It didn't matter if I worked nights or days or many shifts on the trot. It was still me who did the majority of the chores. We both worked full time but he would be out the house longer. The only time he did the housework was when I was at work and he was off, as he had nothing better to do.
Alarm bells were ringing as this was not what I'd hoped for from a partner. I hoped he could see I was struggling and pull his finger out a bit more after all he didn't suffer from energy problems at all.

I carried on thinking he'd change and see how I needed his help and got on with wedding plans. I again did everything, drove everything. My HTB was younger than I was and maybe a bit naive but still I'd been independent since I was a teenager and he had gone to live in a shared house with friends as a teenager but I guess he acted like a lot of male students and didn't think cleaning etc was his job or even care about it. Who knows. I worked shifts so although I was out the house the same time as working regular hours I was in at times when most people would still be at work. So therefore I guess it was seen as my duty if I was there I would do it. And I couldn't ignore it.

Time passed and depressive episodes came and went, so did hypomanic episodes where I would work all hours just to keep out the house. I remember wishing I was like one of these people who were work-alcoholics and dedicated their lives to work. But I couldn't sustain it. I soon became ill again with fatigue then depression. I'd take a couple of weeks off work then bounce back. I changed my job as I thought I wanted more recognition, money, whatever it was I thought I wanted. But I couldn't sustain the job and hated it so went back to my old job. I was trying to fill a hole in my being I had had for years. Getting married didn't help it as my husband didn't help me or support me emotionally. My job never fulfilled me.

My life was a constant round of working loads then getting ill and spending loads to make myself feel better, so then I'd be in debt so then I'd have to work harder to pay it off but then I couldn't sustain the work patterns because of my mood and/or fatigue. I'm sure I was very difficult to live with.

My now husband decided he didn't want a child after all even though we had discussed it before the wedding and agreed we'd have kids. I don't think he wanted the responsibility or to share me with anyone or anything. He had already displayed his none comital and indifference with animals despite having grown up with them. He rarely showed emotion about anything and I just thought things just didn't float his boat as I was very excited or passionate about a lot of things. I didn't even consider my mental health problems when considering pregnancy or being a mother. I was just searching for something to fill the void. I thought being a mother would somehow complete me.

We agreed that if we used some money I had gotten back from a policy that we would use it to travel and then try for a baby later that year. Which is what we did. I know bringing a child into that relationship wasn't a good idea but the thought of starting all over again at 30 didn't seem like a good option. Baring in mind the trouble I'd had with even finding a relationship, I thought, to have the relationship I had and especially being married was what I needed to keep at. Having a baby was the next step.

I was very sick during my pregnancy and have recently been reminded how horrendous I was to be around when I was pregnant. I felt dreadful. I had terrible IBS and sickness and lots of aches and pains. It was like having PMS and a hangover for months. I got some relief when I was about 15 weeks pregnant. It turned out I wasn't going to my full maternity pay either as my daughter was due 3 days before the cut off point to receive maternity pay. It meant I was only going to get 6 weeks maternity pay. Some people might have just been able to get on with this but I was feeling physically ill and now upset over the prospect of not being able to be off with my baby.

So I worked overtime to save money towards being off. I drove myself into the ground. I felt so ill that I had no energy to even lift my arms to wash my hair. I had to beg my husband to do it for me. I had no energy at all. I felt sick all the time, had terrible indigestion and everything hurt. I began to be very depressed. I worked long days back to back and carried on doing all the other stuff as much as I could. I didn't sleep well which added to the fatigue and was very tearful. I eventually went to the doctors as I felt very low. Suicidal even. I hadn't been suicidal before as such but now I had the urge to make it all stop but didn't have a plan on how to end it and I felt so guilty feeling that way whilst I was pregnant as well.

The GP referred me to a psychiatrist. I was so ill I went along as I was at the end of my tether. I remember thinking I hoped it wasn't a man due to my last encounter with a male one. She asked why I hadn't been to a psychiatrist for years so I told her what Dr Clayton had done. She made a note of it and although I wasn't in a good place I asked about reporting him. She said I could if I wanted to but it was up to me. She didn't report it herself but luckily that has changed in the system and she would have had a duty to report it. I was in no fit state to report it and could only focus on the here and now. Take each day at a time.

She put me back on prozac but I couldn't take it due to acid and started vomiting blood. We agreed I would go on it the moment I gave birth. I was off sick at work at this point and could not wait to give birth and get my body back. Looking back I probably had chronic fatigue then but it wasn't recognised. I didn't discuss any of my problems with my family as they would not have understood. Only close friends and colleagues knew. I was bitter and angry about not getting my maternity, about my husband not taking care of me, about a friend not being there for me when I had been there for her in the past. I was naive and ungrateful.

I decided to help myself also and opted to get acupuncture. I had tried it before but never had a course of treatment as such. I was willing to try anything and after researching it I opted to go back and see if it could help me. I began a course of treatment and began a great friendship with a wonderful person who went on to save me from myself on many occasions. It truly lifted me out of the sink hole I was in and got me to much better place I needed to be in.

In the mean time I took things into my own hands and booked to see an acupuncturist. I'd briefly dabbled in acupuncture before but this time I was holding out hope it would help me get out of this out I was in. 

I had a lot of treatments pre and post birth and honestly it saved my life. Whether it was the actual practitioner or the acupunture or a combination but it worked. Where 'conventional' medicine failed to treat me, the acupuncture therapy saved me. Literally from the edge. I went on to have it over the years over and over and still do to this day.

I was always a really negative person and now I realise the error of my ways but also I should not have entered into a relationship let alone had a child with someone who wasn't what I wanted. I settled for someone who adored me but I did not adore them. I should have ended it before it had gotten too serious. Undoing a marriage and a life together is very hard.

Our daughter was finally born and immediately I felt better. Euphoric almost. I was really happy to not have all the physical symptoms and so grateful for this baby. I felt invincible. I loved everything and everyone. I focused on routine and looking after my baby, walked the dog and had a very simple life with very little pressure. One of the loveliest times of my life.

My daughter started having problems with feeding and began vomiting a lot and constantly screaming. I was breast feeding and she couldn't keep my milk down and after 3 months I had to resort to formula but still she screamed and screamed. She wouldn't sleep and arguments started between my husband and I about who should get up with her. I'd be pacing around the house with her at all hours. Watching hours of rubbish tv. Thank goodness they had 24 hour tv then. I couldn't sleep either and our sleeping patterns would clash so generally I was very grumpy and tired a lot of the time. It was hard work. I wasn't depressed just going through being a new mum.

I managed to go back to work 3 days a week, which was about all I could cope with but I'd had to give up the comfort of contract as I couldn't work late due to my husbands working hours. It meant I wasn't going to get paid holiday and being on the bank meant if someone else put their name down for the shift I was supposed to be working I would be bumped. There was no security so I looked for another job. I got one in the community and embarked on working 3 long days a week. It was a 9-5 job but to beat traffic I left early and came home last thing after picking up my daughter from nursery. They were long days. I'd also gone on a diet to lose the weight I'd gained in pregnancy.
I was determined to be as efficient and as effective as I could as the job wasn't permanent. I started studying again too. It was a recipe for disaster.

I started to be even more exhausted and had to run my Granny around on my days off as my granddad had gone into hospital after a fall. My daughter was walking so time spent on the ward with my granddad was spent running around after her and trying to keep her occupied. The nurses asked if I could leave her with anyone whilst we visited. I couldn't, there was just me, my granny and my husband as her carers. My husband was at work and I was with my granny. I didn't want to put her in child care full time so I just had to deal with it.

By the time the weekends rolled around I was ready for a rest but then on Saturdays I was faced with cleaning the house. The pots had mounted up, there was no lie in and there was all the chores to do. And no one to help me and I was exhausted. My husband would be either having a lie in or doing his own thing. I can't really remember. I just remember feeling annoyed that he wasn't helping me. I remember nagging a lot too. It does't work. I read once that in order to get a partner you lived with to do tasks that needing doing, you needed to leave a list for them and ask them to do it. I'm not a great believer in this but it might work for you. I believe that as an adult you should be able to see what needs doing and do it to help your loved out. I'm no psychologist so don't know how mens brains work but I know they are capable of doing these things without nagging or asking or lists. I know this is normal life for a lot of people but I didn't have the energy to cope with it.

I had to look after my grannies 120 foot garden too and although she had a small front garden she had a privet hedge. That hedge was the bane of my life. I'd spend hours cleaning out her house as well as she was a bit of a hoarder and trying to grow my own veg in her garden like my granddad used to. I had phases where I was this go getting dressed up heeled professional then going to basics and wearing wellies everyday and pyjamas most of the day and going back to nature where all I could cope with was walking the dog or going for long bike rides with my dog and daughter (I had a trailer).

I guess I struggled with my identity a lot. I was friends with go getters who all ended up in high powered jobs and used to ask why I hadn't done the same. My brother wanted to know why I didn't work full time and when our daughter started school my husband thought the same. I simply couldn't do it all.

I remember begging my husband to help me with my grannies garden one weekend but he refused and went off to do his own thing. He wasn't very sociable and admitted to being intimidated by my friends that were older than him. He wouldn't visit my brother and his wife with me or my friends and we hardly ever went on holiday together. The irony was when my Granny died and we were seperated that my husband wanted to attend her funeral. My brother told me to give him a break and let him go. I didn't see the point of paying respects to a person he didn't give a shit about when she was alive.

I'd put a lot of work into my job and when we got the go ahead that the work I had done would mean the the project would continue. That's when I collapsed. I couldn't envisage keeping up the pace I had been and working harder than I already had. I was stressed to the max and tired beyond words and just wanted to be at home with my daughter.

I went off sick from my job and forced myself to finish a diploma. But then I gave in and took to my bed, around having my daughter. I relished the days when my husband had a day off work so I could go back to bed. But I started to feel vey suicidal. I thought about suicide all the time. I envisaged what I do and how I would do it. And the feelings lasted for weeks.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 2.

Be careful reading this it could possibly trigger some unwanted feelings.

Following my mothers death and a change of job, my BF (best friend) decided she was going travelling and their was no way she was going without me so I set about renting my house out and packing up to go. It seemed a complete turn around from spending months creating a home and buying things for it to packing it all up to go away.

I intended to go to Australia and never come back. I managed mostly quite well whilst over there. There was a lot of partying and long days working whilst we lived in Sydney. It wasn't without angst but mostly I felt in control and happy. That was until the guy I was seeing went away for christmas without me and I found I was pregnant. I started crying and could not stop.

To add to the the complications I'd had a one night stand whilst my boyfriend was away and turned out it was the one night stands baby. Despite using the morning after pill, which I was told didn't work in Australia. After I found this out I  decided I had no choice but to have a termination. Something I had been against anyone doing for years. It was my worst fear and it was happening to me and I was having to go through it. It was either that or face bringing up a child alone and I knew I wasn't capable of that.

Whatever your thoughts on abortion, please bare in mind that every circumstance is unique and individual. It was a difficult decision for me but I didn't have a choice. I had a one night stand because I got really drunk and got attention of a guy that was at the party and it seemed to ease the pain a little, temporarily. That's how I dealt with things. I would not recommend doing any other actions as a fix at all.

I didn't stop crying as we moved to Melbourne and I attended the clinic and it was all over very quickly. Then we moved to Adelaide and I was working but I was in a very bad place and my poor BF was relieved when I decided to go and stay with the guy I had been seeing in Sydney who was now living in a mining town called Kalgoorlie. I went to see a GP in Adelaide for antidepressants. He was a wonderful guy and told me that going to live with my 'boyfriend' was going to be a big mistake. I knew this in my heart and soul but I felt so relieved when he'd asked me to come and stay with him.

I stopped crying and my BF was relieved to be free of this crying mess and I got on a bus and headed to my boyfriends place where we stayed for 3 months before he decided he was going to head to Europe. Alone. I was devastated. I hung on for dear life. I followed him round like a lost child and the thought of going it alone was terrifying. I know very co-dependent. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. They tore me up inside.

We did go our separate ways whilst I went and travelled a bit more of the coast of Australia. But I struggled and muddled along. But I managed as I had seeing my boyfriend again to look forward to. We saw each other again in Ayers Rock and spent a great time travelling a bit but he soon left again and I somehow had to pick myself up and carry on.

I eventually went back home and arranged to meet my boyfriend back at my dads house. I joined him, his sister and her best friend on a journey in a camper van round Scotland. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I did it anyway. It was clear we weren't getting on then but we ended up in Ireland to see a guy we had been friends with and lived with in Sydney. Ireland turned out to be horrific for me.

I couldn't work as it was southern Ireland so went back to London to work for 18 days and got a terrible feeling whilst I was there. I could hardly get hold of my boyfriend and when I got back to Ireland things were very hard. Our mutual friend had picked up some photos and purposely gave them to me to look through and there was a photo of my boyfriend lip locked with our mutual friends cousin. It floored me. I was already very fragile but this was the moment of no return and I had no choice, after many arguments and drunken melt downs, I decided to leave so I headed, in a mess, back to my dads house.

I got a job again and tried to move on and my BF came back from travelling too so we shared a room in a shared house for a couple of months. I was just starting to get myself back to some semblance of normality when my ex turned up and threw the whole can of worms open again. No sooner had he turned up than he decided I wasn't what he wanted and left within a couple of days. I was once again thrown into turmoil.

I couldn't work, I couldn't stop crying. I went back to the doctor and got some anti depressants which gave me horrendous nightmares and made me feel awful so I knocked them on the head and decided to go to New Zealand. I planned it without anyone knowing. Almost like a suicide, I planned to leave without telling anyone and left notes for my dad and best friend but she knew something as wrong so I told her.

My plan was that if I was in New Zealand my ex, who was from there, would come rushing back to me as he would see how dedicated I was to him. He'd sent me a letter whilst I was in Nottingham and kind of declared his love to me. This was after he'd been to stay with me. It was a weird situation. I was convinced we were meant to be together.

Needless to say I was very down and it was very lonely place to be when you are not in a good place. You can travel all over the world and still feel lonely inside. I could not find peace at all. I was having terrible nightmares, felt dreadful and very lonely. I ended up going back to my dads again, in a lot of debt and feeling lost.

I threw myself into work and paid off my debts and felt better. There was pattern forming. Periods of feeling really down and unable to do much and crying a lot to then slowly getting back on track and elevating to going out all the time and working all hours and feeling brilliant. I didn't know it then but  I was having hypomania's. It would be years before I realised this was what was actually happening and broach the subject with mental health care team. I went on like this for years.

I felt, at this time, great. things were going really well and for the first time in my dating history, I had   several guys that were interested in me so there was no shortage of dates and fun. It's always when you are like this and content with yourself that you find someone you really like and want to be with.
I was 26 by this time so was thinking that this would be a good time to settle down.

My relationship with my husband to be flowed pretty well and we moved into my house that I rented out whilst I'd been travelling. We had only been seeing each other a few weeks when we decided to get married. He was smitten and I was bowled over. But upon moving into the house together things weren't quite as rosy as they had been or I thought they were.