Emotional freedom technique.

I decided to give this technique a go as the healing centre I attend was offering the session half price so I thought why not? I’m going through a tough period at the moment with moving continents and all the emotional baggage that comes with such a big move.

I’ve been going through old photos and have come across ones of my daughter at a young age and it triggered lots of emotions. I have also been breaking down about leaving my daughter and moving away, although I’ll see her still. It’s been a journey of grief since she went to live with her father and another step has been added by myself which will trigger it off again.

Mark Clutton is a hypnotherapist local to my area. Mark uses Emotional freedom technique to help people overcome fears, emotional blocks and problems.

He describes the technique as:-

  EFT is a mix of psychological techniques and  the stimulation of  acupressure points on the body which can result in the alleviation of long held limiting beliefs or physical symptoms.

The technique involves tapping certain points in order around the face, body and hands whilst expressing what is troubling us and affirming our worth. After the tapping there are series of eye movements to do and some vocal exercises. The whole process takes a few minutes. 

The process is probably best done in private as it can draw attention, however there are techniques that can be used in public that aren’t so obvious such as tapping on the knees and with the feet alternatively which will tell the brain to rethink and distract from the problem you have, for example being on a plane or before an exam. 

So far trying the technique at the time of distress seems to lessen the intensity of it and ground me. 

If you want to see what it looks like check out this video. 

Kinesiology.

I have been suffering more and more with my stomach and last week was in agony; so much so I nearly went to hospital with suspected appendicitis.

I had been wanting to go to a kinesiologist for a while but finally decided to book an appointment a few weeks ago and get myself sorted. I know why I put it off as I feared what would come up in the testing.

Kinesiology

Kinesiology is in layman's term muscle testing to find what is affecting our bodies. There are several different arms of kinesiology. Practitioners can specialise in emotional, nutritional, muscular or classical or applied kinesiology which is all three. Applied kinesiology is what iI had done today.

Diane, the practitioner asked me my history, which gives an idea of what to look for then on the couch lying down she finds a muscle that is workable, in this case she used my arm. She asks the body questions of where to start by doing something with her fingers placed on my arm, I couldn't see what but my arm was weak at certain points as she could push it down easily.

Ileo-cecal valve.

There is a lot going on in my body so the session was an 'emergency' fix. The first thing that came up was my ileo-cecal valve (ICV) wasn't functioning properly. This is located in the lower right abdominal area half way between the hip and navel, it is the valve between the large and small bowel and stops the back up of waste into the small bowel. If the valve is malfunctioning, waste can back into the small intestine where it can get re-absorped and cause horrendous symptoms as you can imagine. I had been having terrible pains in my right lower stomach along with indigestion, bloating in my upper stomach, a feeling of being poisoned, regurgitation and irritable bowel. Diane told me that there is a close link to chronic fatigue syndrome and ileo-cecal valve problems and that she could help me with that. I cried!

I was so relieved that someone could help me with this problem. Diane carried out a few tests to find out what would help me with it which included her releasing the ICV by pressing on it and releasing it. It was painful! She carried out the same thing on the other side, which was less painful.

Self-management for ICV problems include:-

•  Drinking plenty of water throughout the day between meals. Up to 1/4 hour before eating and an hour after eating.
• Avoiding stimulants like coffee and alcohol.
• Avoid irritants such as spice foods like curries.
• Chewing properly to aid digestion. 
• Avoid too much roughage (bran/fibre) for a couple of weeks as it irritants the bowel.
• Take moderate exercise to stimulate the bowel.
• Take good pro-biotic such as one from bio-care, which is made of human strain bacteria.
• Avoid allergens such as gluten or dairy. You can easily see which one or both affect you by avoiding one at a time for a few days and noting the difference then reduce or avoid the other one completely. 
• The ICV is located in the right inguinal area. Massage this after eating and after a bowel movement.

The Houston Valve.

The Houston valve is located in the left inguinal region of the bowel and stops the large bowel emptying rapidly. Getting this valve to function correctly again is important to stop diarrhoea. 

Here is a video that shows how to get your large bowel valves working properly again.

Candida.

Candida (thrush) problems can also affect the ICV so Diane tested what would be helpful for candida, which is an overgrowth of thrush in the guts. It can lead to horrendous symptoms such as fatigue, aching of the muscles and joints, brain fog, indigestion and pre-menstrual syndrome (PMS) amongst other things. I have always had a problem with candida but largely chose to ignore it but could no longer as my symptoms were too bad.

An anti-candida diet isn't for the faint hearted.  I love sugar (of course I do, I have candida) and drinking, or at least I did drink rather heavily but recently not so much. I'm known for my love of cake and booze! So this is going to be a hard one. I did the diet for a week before but I need to do t for a long time this time as I have leaky gut too. I'll talk about that later.

Basically on a anti-candida diet the best things to do are:-

• Eat fresh veg, preferably organic as having candida usually means your body is full of toxins form malabsorption.
• Eat good quality protein at each meals. Again preferably organic.
• Cut out sugary foods and drinks, yes that means alcohol.
• Cut out yeasty or fungal foods like mushrooms and vinegar. 
• Cut out gluten as the is an allergen which most candida sufferers are sensitive to. 
• Cut out processed foods.
• Drink plenty of water.
• Cut down on foods like potatoes as they act like sugars in the gut. 
• Cut down on diary as this can inflame the gut.
• Cut down on hydrogenated fats or out altogether. Especially fried foods.

Leaky gut

This causes the gut, as it suggests, to leak toxins into the blood stream and cause all sorts of problems. A lot of the problems are similar to candida. It can cause IBS (irritable bowel syndrome), PMS, allergies, skin problem, depression and chronic fatigue. 

Leaky gut, candida and ICV incompetence are all interlinked. I think mine started with gluten intolerance which caused leaky gut which in turn became colonised with candida. But that is just my point of view. 

Healing leaky gut is a long, slow process and requires dedication and perseverance. 

Supporting supplements.

Diane uses a combination of acupressure point stimulation, bach flower remedies, dietary changes, vitamins, minerals and herbal preparations to support your body whilst it recovers. 

Bach flower remedies.

She advised me to get two Bach flower remedies. Bach flower remedies were discovered by Dr  Edward Bach a Harley Street doctor who believed the mind plays a great role in illness so developed 38 remedies for each negative state of mind. 

My body responded to Olive, which is for complete mental and physical exhaustion. Pretty accurate description for the state of my body at the mo! 

This remedy show total exhaustion of mind and body after a great strain or nursing the sick.

LOWERED KIDNEY FUNCTION is seen and LOWERED OXYGEN LEVELS IN THE BLOOD as well as TOXIC INTESTINAL FLORA and ALCOHOLISM. The Olive state is always a call to humility, and a challenge to deal with one's vital energy as well. This remedy will help to deal with stress with stamina and joy. The remedy belongs to the group LACK OF INTEREST IN PRESENT CIRCUMSTANCES along with CLEMATIS, HONEYSUCKLE, WILD ROSE, WHITE CHESTNUT, CHESTNUT BUD, and MUSTARD. There is weariness of mind, body, and emotions, and rest and recuperation are called for. Apathy can be present, one starts a task and doesn't finish it. Those in social services or suffering from prolonged illness.

I also responded to impatiens, which as the name suggests is to treat impatience. 

The personality is irritable, tense, and driven. There is loneliness like HEATHER and WATER VIOLET.

The state creates NERVOUS TENSION and CARDIOVASCULAR STRAIN. Inner tension mounts out of concern for others. NERVOUS BREAKDOWN. The individual is efficient with lots of skill and ability. They are leaders with short tempers, and are arrogant, intimidating and self centered. There is also a problem with impulse control and the remedy restores a balance of mind over emotions. A feeling of self mastery is achieved as with HOLLY and CHERRY PLUM AND VERVAIN. These individuals can experience HOT FLASHES, and are QUICK THINKING and NATURAL EXTROVERTS, and can suffer from SKIN RASHES.

I'm definitely impatient that's for certain and tense but driven I'm not sure about.

As for being 'arrogant, intimidating and self centred' I'm not sure I would say that about myself and I'm definitely not a leader. 

...is, as its name suggests, the remedy for impatience and the frustration and irritability that often go with it. Anyone can get into this state of mind, but there are also genuine Impatiens types, who live life at a rush and hate being held back by more methodical people. To avoid this irritation they prefer to work alone: the Impatiens boss is the one who sends staff home early so she can get the job finished quicker.

The remedy helps us be less hasty and more relaxed with others. It is also an ingredient in Dr Bach's original crisis formula, where it helps calm agitated thoughts and feelings.

Dr Bach's description 

Those who are quick in thought and action and who wish all things to be done without hesitation or delay. When ill they are anxious for a hasty recovery. They find it very difficult to be patient with people who are slow, as they consider it wrong and a waste of time, and they will endeavour to make such people quicker in all ways. They often prefer to work and think alone, so that they can do everything at their own speed.

I much prefer this description but I don't think I would have picked it out for myself. That's what is great about going to a kinesiologist, they can find what out what the body is craving for. 

We shall see if it helps with my irritability and impatience!

Herbal supplements.

For the herbal supplements my body responded to vitamin c and liquorice for adrenal fatigue. Licorice root extract is a good herb for mood lifting and yeast infections. It it instrumental in assisting the adrenals produce cortisol, which is the main function of the adrenals. Cortisol is the stress hormone and when the body experiences great, prolonged stress the production of cortisol is altered leading to adrenal fatigue. 

Vitamin C is needed by the adrenals when working overtime. As soon as the adrenals are called into action, vitamin C is rapidly used up.

Pomegranate is the third supplement shown by my body to be of benefit and it's action is to kill candida (thrush).

At the time of writing, I'm on day 3 of the diet and day 2 of the regime. I think it's too early to tell for the most part but I have noticed a change in is my bowel habits. I'm not not waking up and rushing to the bathroom and the pain in my stomach is much better. My mood has been really low today but I'm not sure if that's circumstantial as well. 

Expressing ourselves.

I've heard it say to me three times in healing that I have an issue with throat chakra. So I looked into it. Despite thinking and feeling like I can express myself, I started to notice that I would raise my voice rather a lot when things weren't going how I wanted them to.

I realise now that I shout as I feel people don't listen to me. Apparently when the throat chakra is excessive a person needs to 'discharge energy though shouting' I didn't think I had any energy in me! Or use talking as a defence. I know I'm not good at listening! And can use bitter language against themselves and others. I used to do that but don't so much now unless I get wound up.

Although having an excessive throat chakra can also be indicated by 'self-righteousness, overbearing, opinionated, addictiveness, domineering and dogmatic'. Some people would say I was self righteous- I'm working on it and opinionated, yep that too. And I'm also very guilty of interrupting others and unable to stay silent. And I'm definitely not dogmatic because I change my mind all the time.

So what do I need to do to work on it?

Listen more for sure. Apparently that will help me be heard when I do speak.

I don't gossip too much anymore (well maybe a little) but cutting down on that can't be a bad thing.

Expressing thoughts and beliefs that have gone unspoken. This can be to yourself whilst in the shower or bath or on a walk. I've done it unknowingly a lot in an attempt to get my point across to the person I've had a disagreement with and apparently the conversation needs to be had even if it's just to yourself.

Chanting and singing are good for the throat chakra unfortunately for my family, they will have to put up with me singing a bit more! I tend to spend a lot of time alone though so should put some sounds on!

Oh and a bit of yoga when I get settled in the States.

There's loads of stuff out there to read and most of it says the same, thankfully. One thing when learning something new is having conflicting advice!
I let you know how I get on.

The energy of energy.

I’ve always suffered with poor energy levels. They seem to have gotten worse as I’ve gotten older particularly after a few very stressful years. I’ve always believed there is something in the concept that energy can be both positive or negative and can affect a being greatly when sensitive to it.

When I worked as a nurse in a busy intensive care department I didn’t think the energy there affected me until I became stressed and depressed then I couldn’t stand the energy at work. I can’t point my finger at the fact I worked around tons of machinery but with regards to energy from humans, I would suck it up like a sponge.

I was a magnet for the negative energy and tried, unsuccessfully many times to shield myself from it. The trouble was when I soaked it up, I seemed to become infected by it. I was living with a lot of negative energy due to home circumstances and then getting a lot from work too. As you can imagine, it’s not the jolliest place to work at times and I found the more negative I was the more I was affected by negative situations. Stands to reason. 

Leaving the place of work was what I needed to keep going. I simply couldn’t take it any longer. I tried working in other units but found the energy was just as bad and no matter how much I practiced positive thinking, I found my energy wasn’t kicking in.

A coach I saw a while back asked me what energised me. Nothing did at the time, not even sleep. I still struggle now but I’m working on it. I wake up with a certain amount of spoons for the day and that is it for the day once the spoons run out then I have reached my limit. My partner says it’s like someone has turned off my power. He can see it in my face when the plug is pulled. However, I’ve been looking into energy work more and more. What if my depressed energy levels can be treated the same way my depressed mood could?

I have tried to work on my energy levels and so far I'm not getting anywhere fast but these things take time. I could quite easily take myself back to bed right now and sleep a couple of hours!! Who couldn’t right? I have tried thinking of myself as one of these dynamic women who have so much energy they just do so much stuff in a day, it exhausts me to think about it. I suppose I am scared of getting to the point of dragging myself thought the day again and I don’t want to go back there but I know I won’t go back there because my life has changed completely and I will never go back to horrendous shifts and night duties. Ever.

Energy workers would say that I have a block and one foot is in the new ‘me’ and one foot in the ‘old’ and I need to find a way to get rid of the old energy. Not sure how I will do it yet though but hoping to find some answers.

What I have learned about energy though is that it can change everything and anything. Even if we can’t see it. In the book ‘The secret lives of plants’ the authors discuss research which shows that plants emit a frequency of energy and the frequency changes when the plant witnesses the ‘murder’ of another plant. It also omits a higher frequency when the ‘murderer’ is near. To me it makes perfect sense but I can see how others would think it was a load of tripe. 

But then there is the HAARP (high frequency active auroral research program) which can supposedly cause tsunami’s and earthquakes, although the programme is a conspiracy theory and is said to be closed now. What if it could. We know the air feels different on a clear summers day to when there is a thunder storm looming. 

I’ve also studied a small amount of chakra healing work with Carol Tuttle and Christie Marie Sheldon  They both talk of the great things we can do with energy by shifting it to a higher vibration. e.g. lower vibrations follow negative thinking and higher vibrations come from giving out love and blessings. When the energy resonates at a higher frequency it is able to heal better and receive more positive energy in return. 

I regularly have acupuncture and that uses the unblocking of energy in the body to help it heal and function well, as does Reiki. And my acupuncturist can detect my energy without me even saying anything! She can stick the needle in the right place and with her eyes closed can tell the feeling I’m getting without me even saying anything. 

I think there is definitely something in this energy thing. I just need to find how to tap into it to give me some!

 

Mothers apart from their children.

When I became a mother, I never in a million years would have predicted that she would end up living with her father and his girlfriend with me as an onlooker.
Although for years I had wished myself out of the marriage and for my daughters father to start taking some responsibility, I didn’t anticipate what would happen. Her father wasn’t massively hands-on and did things to please himself, I guess like most fathers or at least the fathers I know. My daughter and I were together 24/7 except for when I was at work or asleep.
I did find it difficult being a mum, I didn’t take to it like a duck to water and struggled with health issues and lack of sleep, especially when I started working nights. I wasn’t the earth mum I thought I was going to and I was disappointed. I had no support and felt I should just battle on alone anyway.
I suffered a lot with my moods and negativity and depression for various reasons so I was no angel to live with but I did the best I could. Things deteriorated when our relationship broke down and I was living alone. My daughter never behaved for me and I struggled to get her to stay in bed, sleep on her own and just generally get things done. She could play me like a fiddle.
My ex and I were arguing about when we would have her and as I worked shifts I could only have her on my nights off. I worked a mixture of long days and nights so if I worked 2 longs days a week that would mean not having her 4 nights wrapped around those days. My ex and his girlfriend wanted continuity as well, something I couldn’t offer. He threatened me with social services and court if I didn’t comply to his requests. Requests fuelled by his girlfriends demands to have every other weekend off totally from child care. Something I could never do as I couldn’t dictate my shifts and worked at least one day most weekends.
Anyway, without all the boring gory details we went to court. I was exhausted from all the constant badgering and arguing and I didn’t have a solicitor. My ex had the most vicious solicitor ever and ultimately I lost out. I signed an agreement saying I would have my daughter every Wednesday and every other weekend. Four nights a fortnight. It took me a while to realise what I had done. Needless to say I was devastated.
Nearly 2 years later things have changed and the I know the decision was a good one for my daughter. She has a regular routine, a ‘step mum’ she loves and a good bond with her dad. However, it’s taken its toll on me. I have just about come to terms with it, just shy of 2 years later and am on a massive learning curve with regards to my life, my health and my future.
In my pursuit for peace I have come across many things but one that really struck a cord was chakra healing with Carol Tuttle. In one of her videos regarding the root chakra, she talks about a lady who asked her what to do about her relationship with her son who now had a step mum and seemed distant from her and the relationship between her son and his step mum seemed to be very close.
Carol told the lady that as parents we leave footprints in our child’s lives that will always be there and that the step mum was filling these foot prints with her own and overshadowing the mum’s roll in her child’s life.
She suggested that the mum visualise claiming the foot prints back by pushing the step mum off the prints and asking her to step out the role that was only hers. She also told the lady to imagine a thread between herself and her son that connected their energy, and also to send him love even when she wasn’t with him.
Now, for some this may sound too far out and touchy feely but for me it was like a ray of sunshine. The lady reported back to Carol after a few weeks and remarked on a dramatic improvement in the relationship she had with her son, that he had been ringing her more and seeing her more.  It worked for me too. I decided to change the energy between myself and my daughter and instead of sulking because she didn’t seem to want me, I sent out love and positive energy to her. I used to push my daughter away hoping, stupidly, she would ask to see me. It was a terrible way to behave but I was really hurting, still no excuse.
Whilst it worked for my daughter and I, I need to do more work on getting my footprints reunited with my feet! It’s proving tricky to get the ‘step mum’ to back off and wind her neck in! Although she is still acting like my daughter is her charge, and owns the place, I have reacted much better to her antics and not gotten angry as it only turns inwards and ends up making me ill. I realise this is hard but honestly it is one of the best things I’ve ever done. The anger was useless waste of valuable energy.
Focusing our energy on keeping a connection going with our child or children is the key. Even if our children are not with us we must stay positive. Negative energy and thoughts destroy us and they are loud and nasty. Push them out and allow the positive in. It takes energy but the energy we save from being angry and upset can be used in a better way. We must send out positive vibrations to our children and keep in touch as much as possible, even if the attempts seem to go ignored. One day the effort will pay off. We must mean it from the heart too.
Here are some links that may help with looking into energy work. Be careful with parting with money for courses but mind valley and udemy do courses with money back guarantee with no questions asked and often have great offers on.
There are a few courses on mind valley http://mindvalleyacademy.com I did the Carol Tuttle chakra7 course which gave me some great tips. But everyone is individual and what suits me may not suit you. See what takes you fancy.
https://www.udemy.com/courses/ Also have a great course by Brene Brown who’s lectures look at vulnerability and our relationship with ourselves.
Another fabulous course I’ve signed put to is again through Udemy is by Stella Grizont called The Science of Happiness.
I think when I went through what I did I didn’t want to be happy, I thought I was meant to angry and miserable, It was very painful and now it is less so when I do have a bad thought it is easier to deal with, plus I have great support. But being so angry, sad and stressed everyday made me very ill and it’s taken a long time to get back to anywhere near feeling like I used to.
Take as much time as you can to self care and look after yourself. Learn self compassion and self kindness and invite goodness and positivity into your life. Don’t push it away. Yes, we are vulnerable at that time but we can invite in exactly what we want and accept nothing less that what we deserve.
Get creative too. Scrap books, drawings/paintings, poems and writing are great for our souls and great keep sakes to give to children when the chance arises. Imagine having what you have made in your hands and giving it to you child in person. Visualisation is very powerful for manifesting reality.
Good luck ladies. Stay positive and maintain that link for however long it takes. Don’t give up.

The Science of Happiness: Hacks & Skills to Flourish

The Science of Happiness: Hacks & Skills to Flourish

How I found my way out of depression.

I have read 2 blog posts this morning by pure chance from a link on twitter saying that 'positive thinking' and 'happiness is a choice' get the back up of the writers of the blog posts. Before reading them I had decided my blog post for the day was to be about how I found my way out of the day place.

I am one of those 'born again' happiness type of people.  I had a spiritual awakening if you like. I say that happiness and a way out of depression is possible. I thought my way into depression so I thought my way out of it too.

What made me depressed? Simple answer, my thoughts made me depressed. Clinical depression is a serious medical illness with no cause but what gets us there? Our negative thoughts get us there. The thoughts may be linked to our situation, health, wealth or a reaction to something such as grief but there is always something that cause the depression. Our thoughts.

I had clinical depression for 29 years with a bit of respite in the between but I was heavily medicated and awaiting psychotherapy and under a psychiatrist.

I hit rock bottom a couple of years ago and took an overdose. I saw it as the only way out. But after I was let out of hospital and with little in the way of support mechanisms I decided a few things were going to change. One of those things was that I wasn't going to enter into another rubbish, one way relationship, ever. Not just with a man but with another human being. I was done with vulnerability vultures and leeches. I made a list of what I wanted in a man and under  no circumstances was I going to compromise with anything on this list.

That was the stepping stone to my new life. I found a man who met the needs I needed meeting. And things in my life just got better and better. My partner is a vey positive thinker and generally happy chappy. I thought to myself 'how on earth does he remain so calm and happy when things go wrong?' He looks at things in a totally different way to me. If something bad happened I would see it as a nuisance, typical it happened to me, costly, annoying and it usually made me angry. He would say 'whats the point in getting angry, it won't change anything'. I used to think 'no it won't but I need to be angry; I should be angry'.  It took me back to what a relationship coach I saw said 'don't give your energy to something you cannot change or you don't want to remain in your life.'

I didn't see it at the time, but oh boy could I do anger!! I was angry at everything. I had been through a tough time with separation and my daughter going to live with my ex and I was feeling at my lowest ebb. I'm not saying I shouldn't have gone through those feelings as it was a kind of grief and grief can bring anger and hatred with it. I couldn't see the woods for the trees.

I was the type of person who would not be happy for someones good fortune because I was jealous. I would covert other peoples life styles and be think 'not fair'. When bad things happened to me I would think 'of course bad things happen to me, I deserve it'. I would get annoyed at injustice to the point of severe anger even though I could do nothing about it. I invited bad things into my life as I thought I deserved nothing better.

So how did I change all this?

Enough is enough

As mentioned I decided on one thing in my life I could control at one time and that was something I had had enough of. I was still down and depressed but not as suicidal. I spent my days doing very little, self medicating with alcohol and not leaving the house or even getting dressed so I wasn't out of the woods by any means. You know when you reach the point where you can't take something any longer? Well, I had reached it.

Before I took the overdose in June 2013 I was anxious, depressed, suicidal and at my lowest ebb. Rock bottom. I managed to work still but still didn't have boundaries on how much I worked. I would do extra shifts and think I'd be ok on it but then it would make me spiral further down when I became exhausted and couldn't sleep. It was a trigger. Over working and lack of sleep definiately contributed to my overdose as I couldn't think straight.

The treatment for the OD was hideous and I decided, I am never going to go through that again. That was another step towards changing things.

No to being treated badly by friends and men.
No to ever being in the position where I had to endure horrendous drugs to counteract the drugs, face the shame of telling my friends what I had done and being counter productive with the relationship with my daughter. The overdose meant I couldn't have her for while until my ex deemed me fit for purpose. The opposite of what I wanted.

I went from perceiving myself as victim then survivor to thriver. Learning from my experiences and growing from them.

Law of attraction
The second step was using the law of attraction. I didn't know it at the time but had heard of LOA. I used it without thinking about it because I no longer wanted to be in the position I was in with friends and particularly relationships with men. I had a pretty unfulfilling and unrewarding time after my ex and I split and attracting the wrong man into my life. Anyone would do and it lead to being used for money, sex and stalked. A couple of relatives of mine said they weren't surprised I'd had a stalker. 'Trust you' is what they said! I believed it to so I thought 'sod this for a game of soldiers, no more'.
We all have our breaking points and I had reached mine. Not for the first time though.

I was absolutely sick to the back teeth of having something to moan about for one thing. So I invited the good in and good things started to happen to me.

I decided I was good enough to have someone in my life that was all the things I wanted in a man. I decided I was worth it after all. I'm not a bad person so why should I settle for bad things or inappropriate things just to get the love I wanted? I was finding love in the wrong places. I wrote a list of what I wanted and I didn't compromise.

When I met my ex I wasn't in a good place myself and wanted or thought I wanted someone to fill the void. The void was in me so I should have started with me but I didn't have the knowledge or understanding to do it at the time. I learnt the hard way. Changing a partner is not an option and the warning signs were there. I kept hoping it would get better but it didn't. We weren't meant to be together as we weren't compatible at all and trying to change someone will never work. I kept hoping he'd see what I was struggling with. I'm not of the mindset that telling another adult what to do is the way forward. So neither of us would change. It was never going to work.

We need to attract into our lives a partner, if that's what we want, who has the attributes we want in a partner, for example compassion, caring, outgoing, quiet, sociable, likes the outdoors etc. Put the attributes you want in a list in a book and stick to them. Do not compromise on any of them or you will end up compromising for the whole duration of the relationship.

I use the law of attraction in all walks of life, not just love and relationships. I use to attract what I want into my life even down to the smallest thing. For example, even though it wasn't a small thing I attracted in an engagement ring. I googled a picture of what I wanted and thought about it and knew that was the ring I wanted. I wanted to get it from the jewellers in the village we lived in as she hand makes it and it would be sentimental from there. Her shop in the village is quite small and the chances of having the exact ring I wanted were small but I knew it would be there. And it was. At eye level was the exact ring I wanted and it fit. It took 2 minutes to buy it. My partner was gob smacked. He found it quite freaky really. But it does work.


Changing my lifestyle

A doctor once said to me that in order to be happier I needed to change my lifestyle and work hours. At the time and up until recently, as is in another blog post, I thought the guy was stupid for even suggesting it. I couldn't work any other hours due to my husbands hours so had to work nights. Although now I see how grateful I was I got to spend the time I did with my daughter I begrudged working nights with a passion and up to this day still do. My job used to demand you worked nights as part of your contract but when they rolled around I would start feeling resentful and full of hate.

I also had the mindset that you had to do what was available to work and nights were the lesser of the evils and earned more money, I was a slave to my payday. But I was surrounded by people and still am that you should work if you can and work harder and earn more where possible but the more I worked the harder life got, the more I spent to make myself feel better. It was not working for me and I was listening to the wrong people. I was listening to the drone of society as it is today. You are nothing unless you earn, work hard, have a fancy car, a big house and loads of nice clothes and climbing the career ladder. I was surrounded by these people! They are everywhere.

Unless that is what fulfils your needs then there is no reason why you should feel bad about not being what society deems to be representative of being a human being. Being human is not about how much cash you have or how good looking you are or what you have. It's about being happy, true to yourself and not harming others. If being career driven does not makes you happy then do not do what you think is expected of you, do what makes you happy. If being a painter makes you happy but has no fixed or definite income, then be a painter but if being a painter means you don't have a fixed abode because you have no fixed income to get a rental place or mortgage then so be it and you have to find a way to deal with that. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it but you have to be comfortable with it. Be prepared to lose friends over it and be prepared to be judged. Only society and others dictate that having a house/mortgage/car are what you need to be a functioning human being. It just isn't true. Do what your heart desires without hurting another living being.

I have left many jobs and stuck to a job which didn't give me any satisfaction but I reached a saturation point where I could not maintain the job any longer but because I was surrounded by people telling me that I should work full-time, I should be earning as much money as possible, I should this, I should that. Who is to tell you what you should do? Yes, we have to earn money to go on holidays, to pay for our children, to pay the bills, to have a roof over our head. But if you for example, wanted to retrain or try something different and leave a well paid job for uncertainty then as long as your children are cared for then it does not matter if you go and live in a caravan for a couple of years.

We live in a society that is super judgemental. About the car we drive, the clothes we wear, our hobbies and interests or the house we live in. I have always craved to live in a caravan or on a boat but never had the guts so I didn't get judged. Unfortunately that led me to living a false life. The life I should be living not the life I wanted to live. If money were not a factor what would you be doing?

We have to give ourselves permission to live the lives we want to live. Go do it! Stop pretending.

Self love

In our lives, some of us have difficulty with self love, whatever happens in our lives and how we grow up may determine how we are able to love ourselves and self sooth or have self compassion.
We often find we can talk to ourselves as we never would any other human being. We chastise, mock, criticise, put down and name call ourselves things we would never dream of saying to anyone else or even to ourselves out loud.

Yet why is it ok for our minds to tell us these things? Why is it ok for society to help us feel inadequate? Not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough? We are an era of self loathing, self deprecating, low self esteem and no self worth.  We aren't enough.

So how do we turn those feelings around? We need to look letting go of how we view we are supposed to be and be true to ourselves. Not spending everyday pleasing others and please ourselves. Be kind to ourselves. Do things that ignite our passions and enhance our wellbeing. It's ok to spend the day baking a cake and if the cake is a disaster, that too is ok. It's ok to spend the day reading a book or writing or painting or drawing. It doesn't have to be a work of art. And who determines what a work of art is anyway? One persons pleasure is another persons distaste. But you need to not feel guilty about it.

Creativity releases tension and anguish but only if if it's not laced with guilt. Or do nothing? Sit and be mindful of the surroundings and the noises, how your body feels and you could also practice gratitude whilst doing it. Some of most creative ideas flow into us when our minds are clear of obtrusive thoughts.

Self love also requires us to stop speaking to ourselves like we are a piece of crap. I'm over weight and hated having my photo taken and still do to some extent. I still covert the photos that I was thinner in however, I am happier now than I have ever been and back then I was in a really bad place. I used food and drink to numb and self medicate but now I don't so hopefully the weight will come off eventually but I'm not going to diet or deny myself anything as it makes me grumpy. Something I will not tolerate in myself anymore is being grumpy.

I have learned to love myself by being grateful for things about myself and practicing gratitude brings with it more self love. I no longer talk to myself like crap and praise myself instead. I look at other people differently too. If you criticising someone else for their looks or behaviours then you have  a problem within yourself that needs addressing. Being comfortable in your own skin means you no longer criticise others.

Self love doesn't mean we are narcissistic either. We can appreciate ourselves and give thanks to ourselves without it meaning we are full of ourselves. We can tell ourselves we are enough. It is not about getting approval from others or bragging how fantastic we are. It's about the quiet words we say to ourselves at any time during the day. Saying 'I am good enough' without the 'yeah but' creeping in. It is about being good enough now not when you make a million or have a brand new car or lose 20 lbs. It is right here right now. Practice it now. What are you grateful for about yourself? Find 5 things now and cultivate them. We cannot grow good crops with neglect and adverse conditions so make the conditions right, right now. Not tomorrow but this very moment.

For example
I  love my sense of humour, I can make people laugh.
I like my legs, they have a good shape.
I have nice teeth.
It doesn't have to be big things, it can be the smallest thing we like about ourselves and in time we can learn to love even the bits we don't like as they are part of us.

I am also no longer envious of others as practising gratitude enhances self love and self appreciation. Realise what you have, practice gratitude for it and stop talking to yourself so violently. Being as thin or rich as you can be will not make you change the way you feel about yourself. It has to start within.



Surrounding yourself with like minded people.

We can chose our friends but not our relatives. But what if those or one particular relative are toxic? I had a relationship like that in my family and it was painful. We didn't see eye to eye. I didn't agree with their way of living and vice versa. In fact in order to please, I began to live beyond my means and turn myself into something I wasn't just to make myself into something I thought they would be proud of or fit in with their ideals. It made me miserable. I wasn't being true to myself and I made myself feel ashamed and bad about myself whenever we were together. I was lucky enough that this person took themselves out of my life but at the time it still hurt because I wasn't looking at it the right way. I felt betrayed. Now I see it as a blessing that I no longer have to feel that my weekends with my daughter are spent doing what they want to do and listening to them talk to me or my daughter in a negative way.

I am also in the process of streamlining friendships. Breaking ties with people who suck the life out of me or do not reciprocate or I can't fathom out. If I have mixed feelings now about someone, I keep them at arms length or put them out of my life altogether. There are hundreds of people out there I can connect with on a deeper level.

Being friends with someone for a long time isn't a basis for a good relationship. People do change and often values and points of view change in time. I have changed a lot in the last few months and now would not hesitate to stand up for myself, whereas before I would have said nothing, backed down and gone home, tail between my legs and bemoaned them in my own time. That's not to say I would be hurtful or confrontational but maybe phrase things so that they knew I wasn't happy with the way they were acting or what they say to me or my loved ones.

Since I have found peace in my life I am attracting more people into it that are likeminded. Before when I was depressed I hardly had anyone around me and shut myself away all the time. The only people I would talk to would be other depressed individuals through the net. It only served to perpetuate my thinking that the world was a dire place and there was no hope. Now I am in touch with people who lift my spirits higher and resonate my feelings about life. It is self fulfilling. The more negative thoughts I thought and the more I surrounded myself with negative people made me a more negative person. I needed that like a hole in the head.

I also avoid the vultures that could prey on me as I am still quite guidable and naive sometimes and like to help people but these types of people are the ones who will use and abuse for their own means. I can pick them out a little better now and I have also learned to say no very well!

This also goes for social media. Try and learn to control what you look at or read and if something you do read annoys you, try not to enter into the argument or let it frustrate you. A prime example is a loud mouth columnist in the UK was having their say on depression. Twitter was full of it. I would have at one time also entered into the argument trying to make this person feel bad about their comments but having learned from my relationship coach that giving energy to shall we say, a foe is pointless and useless. It will not make them change or feel bad about their actions. They will only benefit from people taking the bait and retaliating and elevating their ratings. If it winds you up stay away and regroup and put things into perspective.

My partner is a very positive thinker, he has taught me that the things I once thought were bad aren't necessarily so. He taught me to see the positive in situations I cannot do anything about. I had such a negative outlook on a lot of things and I realised I didn't have to have the have those ideas anymore. He also taught me that attaching negative energy to money is wasted energy. We have taught each other lots of things since we have been together but we have the same principles and outlook on life. We are very like minded.

Positive thinking.

Harbouring and nurturing negative thoughts is really easy. It takes practice to stop those thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I hear it all the time. 'I'm locked out the house and it cost me £30 to get the door open, now I'm late for work, what a disaster'. The day is ruined because you forgot your keys and had to call a lock smith and it cost money etc. If that happened to me now I would stop for a second and think a little about the situation and say something along the lines of 'I left my keys as I was distracted, not to worry these things happen, at least I was able to make a call to get someone out and I had the money in my account to give them. Thank goodness for that. I finally made it to work so no harm done and I'm alive.' I would also hand over the payment to the locksmith with sincere wholehearted gratitude. Attaching gratitude to paying for things is way more positive than begrudging paying for something. If we attach negativity to that payment we are telling the universe we enjoy being ungrateful for paying for things so the universe won't send us abundance.

Thinking positive takes energy and time to practice. Maybe having the energy is difficult but cultivating one positive thought is far less draining than cultivating 20 negative ones. The negative thoughts have a tendency to tell lies also so listening to them is only going to make you feel worse.

Changing my thinking happened over a period of time. It wasn't a one day fix. I slowly started to think more positively about situations and things that were beyond my control. If something seemingly bad has happened there is not a lot one can do about it as it's done and dusted but how we react to it can be the key. I'm not saying it's going to be easy and may need some work. If it's a big thing then I would have to dig very deep and practice and practice to remain positive and I'm sure the negative gremlins will sneak in a time or 2 to make me feel worse. But what's done is done and maybe it happened to make us take a different path in life or teach us things like patience, resilience, understanding and tolerance?

My ex decided he was going to ask for all the proceeds of our house sale to go to him or he was going to take half my pension, which is worth a fair bit. I was then faced with giving all the profits I had put into the house to him or face waiting until I retired and give him half my pension. I was furious, upset and full of hate about it. There was nothing I could do. I managed to get him to agree to letting me have a quarter so I could pay off debts and leave my pension alone. It wasn't my fault he had made no provision and he was in a better position than me in the eyes of the law however I could choose to let the hatred make me ill again or I could learn to let it go. Writing it still brings back some horrid feelings of injustice but then my positive voice reasons and says 'it is done, don't give him your energy, it's only money'.


I had to let go of the hurt I was causing myself. And one of those ways is to practice gratitude.

Practising gratitude.


This one thing has helped me break the constant loop of negative thinking. I started practicing gratitude on a daily basis after reading Hero by Rhonda Byrne. After a few days practice it started to get easier. You have to write 10 things daily that you are grateful for. They can be anything. Once you open that door to gratitude finding things to be grateful for just gets easier and easier and you can  find gratitude in absolutely everything.

For example,
I am grateful for my house, it keeps me safe and warm.
I am grateful for the clothes I have, they cover me up and keep me warm.
I am grateful for running water, it hydrates me, I can wash in it and take a bath whenever I like.
Wake up in the morning and practice gratitude for what you do have not focus on what you don't.
I'm grateful I've woken up with less pain.
I'm grateful I've woken up lying next to the man I love.

Practising gratitude for a relationship and towards a person also enhances the relationship we have with that person. So if you are experiencing trouble in that relationship, instead of complaining about them, practice gratitude towards them. It can work well with jobs and chores also but takes practice and perseverance.

Make sure the negative gremlins don't make their way in and say bad stuff to negate the good. Even if they do, don't enter into an argument with them. They are not worth the waste of energy and they do not tell the truth.

Keep at it everyday and try and practice it in any situation. Even if it feels futile, it isn't, it will be working towards a greater future for you.

Wholeheartedness.


Living wholeheartedly is defined by Brene Brown as the following:-

1. Cultivating Authenticity:Letting Go of What People Think.
   
2. Cultivating Self‐Compassion:Letting Go of Perfectionism.
   
3. Cultivating a Resilient Spirit:Letting Go of Numbing and Powerlessness.
   
4. Cultivating Gratitude and Joy:Letting Go of Scarcity and Fear of the Dark.
   
5. Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith:Letting Go of the Need for
   Certainty.
   
6. Cultivating Creativity:Letting Go of Comparison.
   
7. Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and
   Productivity as Self‐Worth.
   
8. Cultivating Calm and Stillness:Letting Go of Anxiety as a Lifestyle.
   
9. Cultivating Meaningful Work:Letting Go of Self‐Doubt and 'supposed to' attitude.
   
   10. Cultivating Laughter, Song, and Dance: Letting Go of Being Cool and 'Always in Control'

If you want to know more about the guideposts then visit Udemy and sign onto Brene's video course or get her books from the net. There is a heck of a lot to explain but basically it is being true to yourself and allowing yourself to enjoy work, rest and play without the guilt or shame.

It's a lot of work to go through but I adore listening to her and can replay the videos over and over. She does audio CD's on her books also.

The NHS, psychiatry and medication.

Controversial part of my recovering involved relinguishing any ties with psychiatry, psychiatric meds and conventional treatment. My journey with psychiatry started when I was 17. I had already self harmed once and was feeling that way again so headed to the GP who refered me to a psychiatrist. Long story short he sexually assaulted me, I didn't tell anyone or go back to see him. I next sought help until aged 19 when I was put on prozac, that lasted a few months. I've been on and off anti -depressants for years and finally went on them permanently after I gave birth to my daughter.

I was very ill when I was pregnant and almost hospitalised due to depression. I couldn't take meds as I was being sick all the time so as soon as she was born, I went on them and stayed on them for 10 years trying several different ones until I settled for a low dose of venlafaxine. Years later quetiapine was added after a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder and unstable moods.

One good thing about the quetiapine was that it helped me sleep. I had horrendous insomnia for years so it was a great relief. I visited psychiatrists from time to time over the years and had CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) a few times but still got ill or rather had 'relapses' and the dose of my meds went up a great deal but I was still prone to periods of depression and reacted badly to situations. I was renowned for going over the top and losing my temper easily. I mistook this for being passionate and part of my 'illness'. It wasn't, it was just that I had trouble processing things and with the way I reacted to happenings.

I was also suffering with my stomach and the pills were making it far worse and I reached a point where I thought that I did not want to be a slave to these pills anymore. They weren't doing their job as I still got depressed. I had reached the 'enough was enough' stage. I had to wean them off gradually and it took 14 months to totally get off the venlafaxine. I'm currently trying out alternatives to help me sleep and so far managed 5 days off quetiapine and still managed to sleep!

I have also stopped going to my GP with niggles and I am slowly fixing myself through other means. My blood pressure is down as I'm no longer on the antidepressants that make it high. My stomach is much better and I'm on virtually nothing for acid and pain relief because now I have fixed the mental health problems I am better physically and vice versa.

Coming off anti-depressants is supposed to be supervised by medical people but I knew my body and what I had to do. This is my personal journey and everyone is different. I didn't feel supported by medical professionals but maybe if you are receiving therapy by an alternative means, they can help you if you decide that coming off medication is what you want.

Complementary therapy.

I strongly believe in complementary therapies such as massage, reflexology, acupuncture, coaching, hypnotherapy and osteopathy. I am a complementary therapy tart. I love it and again I am surrounded by like minded people. I always felt out of place in GP's surgery and never listened to. Not so with complementary therapy centres. I feel at home, listened to and cared for. I also now believe I am worth the money I spend on these treatments. I may be getting NHS for free (ish) but it just didn't work for me.

The relationship coach helped me start on this journey. He helped me see things out of the black and white thinking I was used to and from a different angle. He helped me see that being angry was only going to hurt me and it would solve nothing. He also put me onto Brene Brown and Byron Katie who is the creator of The Work. She helps us look at our problems from a different perspective. It isn't a way we are used to but once you get used to it, it is very helpful to deal with the problems we face and our attitudes towards ourselves and others.

Hypnotherapy helped me let go of pain I was carrying regarding my mum who died over 20 years ago. I didn't think it was actually doing anything but after the sessions I felt a weight lift out of me and the feeling of emptiness was no longer there.

Human Givens.

I didn't use this to get out of my depression but it has come back to me on my journey so thought it pertinent to include it as I'm still on my journey. I still face challenges and hiccups so need all the support I can get. But basically, if our needs are met, humans don't get depressed. I need to read further and look at it again to add further comment but it is something worth looking into if psychiatry isn't your chosen method of help. The thinking of Human Givens is very much the polar opposite of psychiatry. They look at treating the cause and the symptoms not putting a plaster on a gaping wound.

If along your life path, like myself, where you found that the way you react to things and deal with things leads to depression then we need to learn a new way to deal with things and get our needs met not take drugs to lessen the severity of feeling and numb or have something like CBT as a quick fix solution. The key is finding out ways to help us cope differently and deal with past problem effectively.


The above is how I got myself of the depressive slump I was in. It's not a one size fits all but take from it what you want and leave behind what you don't. Look for a way out and do whatever you can to get out of it because it is possible. I felt failed by the NHS, psychiatry and drugs until I realised they weren't the solution. I needed a different approach and the right tools to think my way out.