Vulnerability vultures.

I don't know anything about psychology so won't pretend to and this post is just based on personal experience and hearing other people go through kind of the same thing. I'm sure if any psychologists read this they can pigeon hole the characters into boxes but I'll leave that to the experts.

What I have noticed over the years being the kind of person I am it that I attract a certain kind of personality. I have mental health issues such as depression so sometimes I used to not happy be with myself and suffer loneliness so any kind of attention that came my way I would grab with both hands.  I guess I was needy. The kind of person I am on about is just as needy but in a different kind of way. They need someone to bolster their ego. To boost their sense of elevated self. A bit narcissistic. The type of person I'm talking about like to have you around at their beck and call but rarely return the favour. They like you to compliment them and they judge you on your looks and the way you dress some or all of the time. They tell you what to do with your money and judge for spending it things they wouldn't. They have something to say about every aspect of your life and you always seem to come away from being with them in anger for something they said or did. The world revolves around them.

I am the kind of person that is vulnerable to this kind of person. I am an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, put myself out for others, or at least I used to. The above type of people could see me coming a mile off. I was a star shining in the black night of their universe. They would throw out a line and I would be hooked. They'd play to my insecurities at first, plenty of communications, how am I doing? Wanting to spend time with me. I was flattered and felt honoured I guess. How could someone like me have attracted this attention off someone like them? They are usually confident and sometimes arrogant. They are knowledgeable and appear nice. But they have a sting like a scorpion.

Once they have you in their grasp, they will start asking favours off you, this will turn into expecting favours and when you don't act the way they want you to they start bad mouthing you to people. Yet you have done nothing wrong? Maybe you have been sick of them taking advantage of you are have been distancing yourself? They hate that. Where are you? Why haven't you answered my calls/texts?

Yet when they have something going on in their lives they disappear for a while until they need something. If it's their birthday, they want a fuss. If they plan to have you over for a meal they make a massive deal out of it. If it's not reciprocated in the same way then you haven't made the effort for them and you are a bad person. Do you find you dread their visits? I know I did but I was too polite, weak or stupid to say 'no thanks'.

Luckily one of those types of people in my life left it of their own choice, I was upset as it was a relative but really it was a blessing in disguise. The other person, I distanced myself from but boy did I get it with both barrels when I annoyed her. It all came tumbling out what a terrible low rate citizen I was. I was a terrible mother, nurse, person and I would never amount to anything. I would always be ill because I liked being ill. I didn't want to get better according to her. I was selfish and would always be in debt as I was frivolous and stupid.My daughter was better off with her dad and I would probably lose her altogether because of the type or person I was. I was a psycho because I had mental health problems and saw a psychiatrist.

It was a blow then, I admit. I was ill and didn't seem to be getting better. I wasn't a brilliant mum and my daughter did go and live with her father eventually because of illness and shift work and I had never climbed the ladder in my career. A lot of it was true. But what kind of person takes all your flaws and hangs them out to dry for you? Not a good one. I know my flaws, I didn't need the everyone picking the scabs off them. Stupid thing was I defended this person over and over again as she stormed through life upsetting people. Yet when I told her this she said 'I didn't ask you to' I thought thats what friends did but you know what? She was right.

I have learned a heck of a lot in the last year and even though this happened years ago,  still let it haunt me. Her words racing around my head punishing me. Then not so long ago I worked on it in a session with my acupuncturist. And she was gone. At last and I wish her well. But there is one thing for sure, I will not be taken in by that kind of person again. Even if I am I will cut them loose as soon as they start trying to walk all over me.

Lessons learned from being with these people.

1. Do things for people that make you feel good, not things you will begrudge. If you don't want to do it say no, there's no need to explain.

2. Be true to yourself. Do not behave a certain way to please someone else. E.g if you like doing something and they belittle it, you stop doing it. Don't. It's only their opinion. Or if they like something they expect you to get interested in it too. Don't just go along with it just to please them.

3. Do not befriend anyone who seems to take an unhealthy interest in your life and wants to be your new best friend and with you 24/7. It's not for your gain. They aren't doing it because you a super person, they are doing it for purely selfish reasons.

4. If people offer you something to help you out, they should not expect anything in return, If you have that friend or relative who says 'after all the things I've done for you' then remind them, they offered to help. I used to be like this until I learned to give wholeheartedly. I give because I want to, not expect anything in return. They give to get something in return. I also used to do things under duress and then complain about it so now I don't so it at all.

5. If any relationship is one sided, either on your part or theirs, then it's probably not going to work. She was over enthusiastic with texts and calls and I did't want to reciprocate. That's a sure sign the relationship isn't a good one.

6. If you are ill and ask them for help, they will not be there for you. They pretend they are but it's not wholehearted. When the shoe is on the other foot they expect you in attendance 24/7. If you aren't you get the riot act read at you. They may also force help onto you. Do not accept it. They will only through it back at you later.

7. Be very careful what you tell this kind of person. They will use it against you at some point.

8. Keep these people at a distance. Difficult if you are related to them but take the relationship at face value and try not to invest much energy into it.

9. The comments and 'advice' given by these types of people are said because they have short comings in their word, not yours. Try not to take it personally.

10. If the relationship is causing too much distress for you. If it has become toxic then get out. Not matter what the pain. Cut them lose to go and upset someone else or themselves. You do not deserve that crap!

11. Stay away from these people in the first place. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not put you down. Life is too short.

12. If someone has an opinion on your life and they have not lived through or with the things you have then they have no right to comment on your life. I am guilty of doing this in the past but not anymore. As Brene Brown says, 'unless you have fought in the arena, their opinion does not matter'.

Be brave. Be kind to you.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 2.

Be careful reading this it could possibly trigger some unwanted feelings.

Following my mothers death and a change of job, my BF (best friend) decided she was going travelling and their was no way she was going without me so I set about renting my house out and packing up to go. It seemed a complete turn around from spending months creating a home and buying things for it to packing it all up to go away.

I intended to go to Australia and never come back. I managed mostly quite well whilst over there. There was a lot of partying and long days working whilst we lived in Sydney. It wasn't without angst but mostly I felt in control and happy. That was until the guy I was seeing went away for christmas without me and I found I was pregnant. I started crying and could not stop.

To add to the the complications I'd had a one night stand whilst my boyfriend was away and turned out it was the one night stands baby. Despite using the morning after pill, which I was told didn't work in Australia. After I found this out I  decided I had no choice but to have a termination. Something I had been against anyone doing for years. It was my worst fear and it was happening to me and I was having to go through it. It was either that or face bringing up a child alone and I knew I wasn't capable of that.

Whatever your thoughts on abortion, please bare in mind that every circumstance is unique and individual. It was a difficult decision for me but I didn't have a choice. I had a one night stand because I got really drunk and got attention of a guy that was at the party and it seemed to ease the pain a little, temporarily. That's how I dealt with things. I would not recommend doing any other actions as a fix at all.

I didn't stop crying as we moved to Melbourne and I attended the clinic and it was all over very quickly. Then we moved to Adelaide and I was working but I was in a very bad place and my poor BF was relieved when I decided to go and stay with the guy I had been seeing in Sydney who was now living in a mining town called Kalgoorlie. I went to see a GP in Adelaide for antidepressants. He was a wonderful guy and told me that going to live with my 'boyfriend' was going to be a big mistake. I knew this in my heart and soul but I felt so relieved when he'd asked me to come and stay with him.

I stopped crying and my BF was relieved to be free of this crying mess and I got on a bus and headed to my boyfriends place where we stayed for 3 months before he decided he was going to head to Europe. Alone. I was devastated. I hung on for dear life. I followed him round like a lost child and the thought of going it alone was terrifying. I know very co-dependent. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. They tore me up inside.

We did go our separate ways whilst I went and travelled a bit more of the coast of Australia. But I struggled and muddled along. But I managed as I had seeing my boyfriend again to look forward to. We saw each other again in Ayers Rock and spent a great time travelling a bit but he soon left again and I somehow had to pick myself up and carry on.

I eventually went back home and arranged to meet my boyfriend back at my dads house. I joined him, his sister and her best friend on a journey in a camper van round Scotland. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I did it anyway. It was clear we weren't getting on then but we ended up in Ireland to see a guy we had been friends with and lived with in Sydney. Ireland turned out to be horrific for me.

I couldn't work as it was southern Ireland so went back to London to work for 18 days and got a terrible feeling whilst I was there. I could hardly get hold of my boyfriend and when I got back to Ireland things were very hard. Our mutual friend had picked up some photos and purposely gave them to me to look through and there was a photo of my boyfriend lip locked with our mutual friends cousin. It floored me. I was already very fragile but this was the moment of no return and I had no choice, after many arguments and drunken melt downs, I decided to leave so I headed, in a mess, back to my dads house.

I got a job again and tried to move on and my BF came back from travelling too so we shared a room in a shared house for a couple of months. I was just starting to get myself back to some semblance of normality when my ex turned up and threw the whole can of worms open again. No sooner had he turned up than he decided I wasn't what he wanted and left within a couple of days. I was once again thrown into turmoil.

I couldn't work, I couldn't stop crying. I went back to the doctor and got some anti depressants which gave me horrendous nightmares and made me feel awful so I knocked them on the head and decided to go to New Zealand. I planned it without anyone knowing. Almost like a suicide, I planned to leave without telling anyone and left notes for my dad and best friend but she knew something as wrong so I told her.

My plan was that if I was in New Zealand my ex, who was from there, would come rushing back to me as he would see how dedicated I was to him. He'd sent me a letter whilst I was in Nottingham and kind of declared his love to me. This was after he'd been to stay with me. It was a weird situation. I was convinced we were meant to be together.

Needless to say I was very down and it was very lonely place to be when you are not in a good place. You can travel all over the world and still feel lonely inside. I could not find peace at all. I was having terrible nightmares, felt dreadful and very lonely. I ended up going back to my dads again, in a lot of debt and feeling lost.

I threw myself into work and paid off my debts and felt better. There was pattern forming. Periods of feeling really down and unable to do much and crying a lot to then slowly getting back on track and elevating to going out all the time and working all hours and feeling brilliant. I didn't know it then but  I was having hypomania's. It would be years before I realised this was what was actually happening and broach the subject with mental health care team. I went on like this for years.

I felt, at this time, great. things were going really well and for the first time in my dating history, I had   several guys that were interested in me so there was no shortage of dates and fun. It's always when you are like this and content with yourself that you find someone you really like and want to be with.
I was 26 by this time so was thinking that this would be a good time to settle down.

My relationship with my husband to be flowed pretty well and we moved into my house that I rented out whilst I'd been travelling. We had only been seeing each other a few weeks when we decided to get married. He was smitten and I was bowled over. But upon moving into the house together things weren't quite as rosy as they had been or I thought they were.

Coping with Grief.

It's taken me a while to write this post as a good friend of mine is suffering at the moment with the loss of a very close family member and anything I thought about writing seemed inadequate. But then I came across this photo this morning......

It summed up basically what I'd be trying to say in a nut shell.
I also wanted to share some advice, if you like about coping with the pain of grief. It's a difficult subject so I'll be as sensitive as I can be without hopefully patronising. Please don't take the things I write as being condescending, just take things from it that you find useful and ignore what you don't.
Please note that if you are experiencing grief for the loss of a child then this advice will probably not be helpful, it's a very sensitive area and I've not experience that type of grief so feel inadequate to offer advice on this.

It's hard to blanket advise anyone whose loved one has died because every death and grief is unique. Unique to person, time place, circumstances and cause.  People can sometimes blame themselves for the death such as not doing something sooner or making them go to the doctor earlier, the truth is you cannot be responsible for this. Unless you physically hurt the person who died then you are not responsible for their death. Adults are their own people and are responsible for their own health. You can only hope that if you ask someone you love you are concerned about to seek help, that they will. You could not have dragged them to the doctors and even then there may be a list of inadequacies even if they did seek help, it can be out of your hands as to getting the right treatment at the right time. All you can ever have done is be supportive and helpful.

My mums treatment was a catalogue of errors but even if they had found the cancer earlier she would not have survived. I did complain about the lax attitude of the GP but I was young and naive and didn't handle it right. If there are inadequacies and errors in the treatment of your loved one then by all means pursue and complain, health care inadequacies don't get sorted unless people complain. But make sure you are in a place emotionally and mentally where you are able to tackle it and cope with the stress it may cause. It might a actually be the thing you need to help you cope.

If you feel guilt because you didn't have an active part in the life of the loved one before they died then there is no room for it in your life now. You cannot change what happened, so feeling guilt over what you could've done is wasting valuable energy you need to be able to live in the here and now. Find a way to cope with the feeling of guilt and let it go. I envisage it as a ball sitting in my solar plexus and I imagine I take the ball in my hands and push it out and away from my body and believe I have gotten rid of it and put up a shield that it doesn't come back. If that sounds a but too new age for you, although it really works, then try reasoning.

Reasoning relies on the truth. Looking at the truth of the matter can release us from the burden of guilt.

Ask yourself these questions.

Could you change the situation?
No, because it's in the past and you cannot change the past. It's gone, there is nothing you can do about it.

Is it true that the person died because you were ineffective or inactive? No, because the person is their own person and responsible for their own health and care. If you weren't there when they were sick and dying then there must have been a reason for this. Again you can't change what happened all you can do is learn from it and change any future behaviour.

Do you believe you omitted or neglected to do something for the person whilst sick of dying or did something that expedited their death? Is this absolutely true? 100%? No, it is not because you are not that powerful as to stop death in it's tracks. One thing in the grand scheme of things will not have changed the outcome. Did your actions expedite the death? If it was an act of kindness and not harm then your actions were not responsible for the death coming sooner. Someone once said to me they felt guilty for rolling their dad over because he was uncomfortable and in pain yet he died whilst she was doing it and she felt her actions caused his death. It didn't, she did the best thing she could for her father at that point and that was what he wanted. Death was inevitable. No one could have stopped that.

Do you feel guilty you weren't there when the person died? Every situation is different but maybe you didn't need to be there when they died? Maybe the person who was dying chose to die when you weren't there to witness it? There is no way of knowing what a dying person is thinking and it may sound bizarre to think a dying person could chose when they want to die. No one will ever know if this is capable in reality but take comfort in that perhaps you weren't meant to be there. You were in the right place at the right time, right where you needed to be.. A friend said she felt guilty when her loved one died and she wasn't there but she was home taking care of her loved ones children so their father could go to the hospital and be with his wife. What a great honour and privilege of taking care of the ladies precious babies for her. That's exactly what she would have wanted.

Thinking of a relative or friend dying at home alone is horrific but you were not to know they were going to die at that time, unless they were seriously ill, in which case you would probably be by their side. If it was an elderly relative who wasn't ill and they died as a result of a fall or similar then you could not have done anything unless you were with them 24/7, which isn't possible or practical.


Anger is another part of grief. And it's justified. So go with it, within reason. Directing and dealing with the anger is the issue. Anger should not be dealt with by reckless behaviour such as drinking, drugs, promiscuous sex or overspending. We all know it's destructive, solves nothing and can create more problems. I'm guilty of doing it in the past. All it created was debt, hangovers, more guilt and unhappiness. Facing anger head on can be a huge undertaking so you need to find ways that suit you to be able to cope with it. In the midst of all that's going on finding something to appease the anger is tricky.

Finding a non destructive way for helping with anger, not controlling as such but letting it out can be difficult but not impossible. We lose track of boundaries and control methods when angry. Anger might well be a very new concept for you too. So where and what do we do with it?

Firstly, it's a part of grief and has to be gone through, both avoiding and prolonging anger is incredibly hurtful to the body and psych so sometimes you just need to go with it. Deferring it to a time and place that is more conducive to letting it out isn't always possible so if you find yourself in a position where something or someone is winding you up then remove yourself from the situation. Use all your strength to not explode at the person or situation and find a place to go let off steam, whether it be crying or just calming down away from anyone.

Physical exercise is a good way of getting rid of the build up of stress and tension in a body. It can be running, cycling, yoga, swimming or whatever you feel able and comfortable to do. Walking a dog in the country can be very good for the soul. Getting a massage can release a lot of tension and acupuncture can help a body deal with stress and anger. Grief counselling can also help even if it seems like a waste of time, speaking your feelings can be a release of tension and help dissipate anger. Talking about what makes you angry can be very therapeutic and help dissipate it.

And again if the thing that seems to be helping helps then do not feel guilt about spending time and money on it. It's very important to take care of self. I cannot stress that enough. If money is tight and you are paying for therapies then be frugal in other areas of your life to avoid getting into money trouble as well.

Emotional pain is an extremely difficult burden to carry. It messes with our head, our beliefs, our psych, our bodies and our hearts. It's like carrying a ball of concrete. It exhausts us, there is no tablet for it, it robs us of joy. How do we deal with it?

As described above, we need to look after ourselves first and foremost. Self care is incredibly important. Again, it's something that has to be endured and not shut away. Sometimes distraction is a great tactic for dealing with things we are enduring and we need a break from it but do not try and drown out the pain as it will only end up hurting you more in the long run. Allow yourself to do nothing, be unconstructive, sleep or do whatever it takes. Sometimes doing nothing is the best option.

Give in to it. If you can cry then cry. If you feel like you cannot stop crying then go with it. You'll stop eventually. Sometimes it comes when you really don't need it, again find somewhere you can go and have that cry. If it's in the workplace then telling your employer what you are going through, no matter how private you are, is needed. You don't have to tell them everything, just that you are struggling from the time being and need some leniency. It's not too much to ask of them. If you meet opposition and find it difficult to cope at work and can take time off then do it. It's you who is suffering, no one else. Put yourself first for the time being. Take time out and regroup. It may take a long time, or a couple of days might be all you need. It's your journey, no one else's. And it's not an admission of weakness. It takes a strong person to realise when they need to take time out.

Practicing gratitude at this time will probably seem like the last thing you want to do. Losing a loved one can be the single most devastating time in our lives. But being thankful for very small things from having a time and a place to cry to the fact you had the loved on in your life. This may seem contradictory but there is nothing that can be done to bring the loved one back and the fact they will miss future things in life will be a very bitter pill to swallow but practicing gratitude can be a very powerful and liberating.

Grief is atrocious. There's no two ways about it. It has to be endured and dealt with. It has to be carried and weighs us down until we are on our knees but it is not the end of your life. It can be overcome and it can be lived with. We just have to find a way through it, the best we can. As superficial as it sounds we are needed and valued others, whatever our circumstances.

Suicidal feelings do rear their ugly heads at the the most vulnerable times in our lives. They can come all the time and we may reach out and get talked down from that leap but the next day is the same. Not wanting to bother friends or family with these feelings can be a hurdle. That's where professional help can be of benefit. I've been there many times and somehow I have gotten through them. They have been my dark shadow for weeks on end at a time and fighting the urge has sometimes seemed impossible and I have given in to the feelings and looked for a way out. It only bought me further suffering and didn't heal anything. It's not the answer.

You may have never experienced suicidal feelings ever in your life before and they can be overwhelming. Just know, they do stop. They are an all consuming emotion but they do stop.

If you think you might be depressed or someone suggests it to you and it's been going on for a while then action is needed. Remember what I said about every adult being responsible for their own health? This includes mental health. It can be hard to find help but keep looking. I found great help in my acupuncturist. I couldn't find the help I needed with my GP or mental health services, although they weren't exactly unhelpful,  it just wasn't meant to be for me and you need to find a way for yourself. Researching, trying things out, reaching out to people. Be mindful that some things you try and some people may not be helpful and you may feel like giving up. Please don't just focus in your mind and heart that something will come along that will help ease the pain.

Bare in mind if you do receive counselling or help, that you are very vulnerable and if you feel like it's making you worse or conflicting your recovery then please stop the activity. Be careful who you tell your story to or offload on. Some people can be vultures at this time and prey on the vulnerable to their own ends and it's difficult to see these people for what they really are when grieving. If you feel someone has good intentions but you don't feel comfortable confiding in them, then don't and once again, do not carry that guilt. Take it and push it away, it's not another burden you need so don't own it.

As the photo says, their is no grief without having loved. It's the price we pay for having loved ones in our lives. But it's so much better to have loved and lost.

Be brave.Take care of you.

Things have moved on.

February 2015.
I've learned a lot in the last few months and things have taken a different direction for me. We are moving to the States next month for one thing. My partner got offered a job over there with his company. At the time he put the suggestion to me I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to live in the States or at least travel around the States. I was also at a point where I was sick of the falling out and just wanted to run away. I've always been like that. I just want to run away when things get too much.

Things were still pretty messy last summer, my relationship with my daughter wasn't the greatest. We butted heads most of the time. She has always managed to wrap me round her little finger and I give in too easily. She is a mobile 'phone and screen addict and if she's not looking at 1,2 or 3 screens she's 'bored'. I had very little energy to do anything so to wrestle the screens off her and try and get her to interact or do something with us was painful so I just didn't bother now she has no choice. And if she whinges (she seems to know when I'm flagging because the whinging gets more intense!) I ignore it or punish her for it. Seems easy solution eh? But I get dragged right back to my childhood and I think of me in her shoes and I feel sorry for her or bad. But being lenient doesn't do us any favours. And no that I have more energy I can stick to my guns.

I was also butting heads rather a lot with my ex and his girlfriend and just wanted to be away from it all. The divorce had started and the ex wanted ALL the profits from the house.So a fight ensued and basically yet again I had to admit defeat and give in or risk losing half my pension. I had to do what I could live with. And since practicing gratitude I can be grateful with what I've got rather than what I have lost.

This leads me on to the victim thing. I have learned over the last few months that I was a victim, I made myself a victim. I no longer chose to be a victim. Yes, sometimes things are hard to deal with but I can chose to lay down and weep or make the best of the situation and find a positive.

Positivity is not something I have done very well, the glass is always half full but you know what? Who gets anything from being so negative? Do good things happen to negative people? No, they don't.
Plus, I don't want to play being a victim anymore as it just attracts more drama. Instead now I practice gratitude. Mainly because of the book . There are many of these types of books out there but this one seems to sit right with me. I practice gratitude in everything I do and I seem to be much better for it. My wonderful partner is also a very positive person and he inspires me to see the positive in everything. No matter what the situation. He could have written The Secret to be honest! I guess living all the time with this kind of person eventually rubs off.

I have trouble making my mind up about how I see the world. There is always two sides to every argument, mostly, and I have trouble putting my faith in one side or the other. I can never totally subscribe to something because they/it will always do something to let me down and disappoint me. For example, I went to Buddhist meditation when I was really ill once and was hoping it would have the answers I needed. Only to listen to a teaching that went on to talk about depression as a punishment for something one did in their past life. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for that! Not in the here and now! Plus , one of the monks was wearing leather sandals and using a mobile 'phone. If I subscribe to something it has to wholeheartedly. No half measure. So I have just cherry picked most things and created my own 'religion' in some respects. But my thinking get challenged every day and just when I think I've gotten a handle on something, an idea or inspiration comes flying out of nowhere and boom, thinking altered once again.


Regarding my last post and antidepressants; I am off them totally now and only take my mood stabiliser for sleep as I love it makes me sleep! Insomnia is my sworn enemy. It was ok having insomnia before because I would just sleep when I could but now I don't want to be ruining my day having to go for a sleep then being awake half the night.

So I ask myself the question, if I can be off antidepressants now and haven't felt depressed except for the very odd occasion, why was I on them for years? To be perfectly honest I think it was the situation I was in. That's a whole different post. Plus I've had it mentioned more than once that I have probably got chronic fatigue syndrome and depression is a subcategory to this rather than depression first then fatigue. I know I can feel feel fatigue and not depression, that's for sure.

I did manage, with the help of my partner, to change my job and work agency so I could at least pick my own shifts but the long hours still took their toll. Fortunately, not for much longer.
However, I haven't kept up the acupuncture. Many reasons really but mostly financial as last year finances were a bit tough. As soon as some money came in, it went out again. But now I look at finances in a totally different way too. I don't chase money instead I practice feeling that I will get what I need and give money gratefully. For example; when I give my ex money for our daughter, I no longer begrudge it but give it with love. It takes some time to get the hang of but it really works.

Hypnotherapy and acupuncture.

The hypnotherapy worked a treat with saying goodbye to my Mum. It was very distressing but it took away that awful feeling in my solar plexus. It's been a while since I blogged on here as I got better and ran amock for a few months then all hell broke loose and crashed a bit. Kept going a bit and now I'm on my way up from a down again!

I asked my husband to leave and he left in May 2012 then we had a custody battle and I lost out as I work shifts so see very little of my daughter now. I had to specify when I could have her and I couldn't say too many nights a week as I couldn't commit to it with work. My ex won't work with me either on it but that's because I change my mind all the time and am a pain in the arse! Probably for the best anyway as I feel I can't control her behaviour when I do have her and havent the energy or the strength to get her to do the things I want her to do. For which I'm seeing a relationship councellor for. He's very good! Not coming to terms with not being able to be the Mum I want to be is hard work and having the ex's girlfriend looking after my daughter the is soul destroying.


Anyway, I'm told not to be a victim anymore and stop feeling sorry for myself. With regards to my mental health, my wonderful acupuncturist is insisting I keep well and keep seeing her to keep well. It's usually a financial thing that stops me going because when I feel well I can't justify the cost. But I will keep going as the last year or so alone has been so hard on me. Oops sorry self pity again! I was feeling empty and numb for a long time and I couldn't bare being awake most of the time so I had the crazy idea of coming off my antidepressants!

I tried and failed as the side effects were horrendous. So I've halved it now and subsequently halfed my mood stabilisers too or I end up comatosed! The great thing is I have energy and now 'feel' stuff, which is ace and also manage to go to the loo which is also great as that was a major problem. I know TMI but honestly, it was awful. I've put on a huge amount of weight too and my mood stabilisers get blamed for that as they increase your appetite. But when I met my new partner we started to eat out a lot, which gave me terrible tummy ache due to sluggish bowel and then I had even less energy to exercise (I haven't been biking in a while). I've just started going out with the dog and going for longer and longer walks as my energy levels increase.

But the thought of getting on a bike is too much at the moment. Plus none of my cycling clothes fit me as I've put so much weight on. If I had the money I would do allsorts to keep my health on track but one of the things I really need to do is change my job and get off ridiculous shifts!

I am now tot

Keep on keeping on.

My sleep monitor showed I slept deeply for 4 hours straight last night. Not sure how accurate that is but psychologically makes me feel better! It hadn't moved at all whilst I slept so maybe it was right. I certainly felt like I slept like a log!

I was determined to get out on the bike today so eventually I did manage it and it felt, dare I say, ok. Not as hard as it has been for months. I felt really tired this afternoon but in a good way. We took the dog out and I wasn't ready to crash like I normally am and I didn't get annoyed either! I'm usually really grumpy and snappy when I'm tired.

Just returned from another lovely session of acupuncture and feel nice and relaxed.
A bike ride is on the cards for tomorrow too with someone this time. I've been nervous of cycling with someone since I got back from Kenya because of lack of confidence and ability but I feel ok about tomorrow. I feel I won't beat myself up mentally if I'm a little slower than my cycling buddy tomorrow and won't feel guilty if I hold him up. I would normally give myself such a hard time if I was slower than everyone else but tomorrow I think I'll give myself a break.