Coping with suicidal feelings of a loved one.

Having a loved one suffering form suicidal feelings can be distressing, exhausting both mentally and physically and confusing. If you have never experienced any kind of feelings like this it can be hard to understand and comprehend. Its difficult to describe these feelings to someone who has never experienced them.

From personal experience the feeling can be like a pit of blackness. A very dark and painful place. Suicidal feelings can lead to physical pains and feelings. A heaviness that is impossible to shake off. It's debilitating and robs us of all feelings other than feeling dreadful. It can leave a person unable to move and confined to bed. It can go hand in hand with physical illness and the two can be confused as to which came first.

Depending on the circumstances of your loved ones illness, depends on how to approach helping them. But generally speaking offering a supportive and caring environment is the least you have to do. Some people may find this a challenge as they fail to see where the suicidal loved one is coming from but all you need to do is not try to understand but offer a safe and supportive place where your loved one can feel sheltered from the outside world, which may be a very scary place when feeling so vulnerable.

Offer love and affection if they can cope with it but do not withhold it as a punishment because you lack understanding of the feelings. The same goes the other way, do not force affection on someone if they feeling vulnerable. You may think of course no one would do that but it has been known and can lead to further feelings of inadequacy and anger.

Encourage the sufferer to self care or help with their care. Wash, brush teeth, run them a bath, offer to wash their hair for them. This may seem as making the sufferer take on a child like role but when feeling utterly helpless the last thing they could be capable of is self care. Depression and suicidal feelings are part of an illness. If your loved one had cancer or a chronic physical illness you would do the same for them with a blink of the eye. Depression can be very physically debilitating and lack of self care can lead to further feelings of inadequacy.

Talk openly with your loved one. Encourage them to open up about their feelings. They may be painful for you to hear and cope with but you are in a greater position to deal with them than the sufferer. If you are finding it hard to deal with what you have been told then find an avenue of help. It could be writing a journal, counselling, talking to a confident or your GP. But be careful who you share your story to, you are very vulnerable as well and you need to find help in the right place but equally do not hold your feelings in. It can be very hurtful to yourself to allow that to happen.

Telling the sufferer how they are making you feel may help them realise that they need to get help and that you are suffering too, however, it may be a hard confession for them to deal with. Only you will be able to gage when is an appropriate time to share that you are suffering also. Therefore it may be more appropriate to seek counselling yourself rather than burden the sufferer even more.

Gently remind the sufferer of the good things in life. How much they are loved by their family and friends. But don't tell them they are selfish feeling the way they do for thinking of ending their own lives. It will only serve to make them feel worse. Reminding them they are loved isn't a ploy at 'snapping them out of it'. It's just to get them to see a little light in the darkness. But be aware it can make them feel even more guilty that they feel that way. It is a case of treating every situation and individual as unique.

Go to their appointments with them if they are having therapy. If they are happy for you to accompany them. You don't have to sit in the room with them as therapy is a very private and personal experience but if you have the time and they appreciate the sentiment, go with them.

The whole experience can be just as exhausting for you. So make sure you take care of yourself. Don't feel guilty about doing something for yourself. If your loved one is expressing that they want to hurt themselves then you cannot physically be there 24/7 to stop them doing what they feel compelled to do. You are the wall between them and the outcome but if they are determined they will do it anyway. You cannot take responsibility for that. They need professional help and maybe even hospitalisation. Be prepared that a hospital stay may be needed. It is nothing to be ashamed of. It could save your loved ones life.

If your loved one is obsessing over suicidal ideation then action needs to be taken. Encourage the person to seek help immediately as it is out of your realms of capability to ensure their safety. If you find them actively hurting themselves you can call emergency services or get them to the nearest emergency room as soon as possible.

Keeping objects of potential harm out the way can prevent a knee jerk reaction to hurting themselves but not always practical. With the best will in the world you cannot remove everything out of the way. If this is the case then they need to be in hospital on suicide watch. People can find ways to hurt themselves in the unlikeliest objects even if they are on suicide watch. If you find that you cannot cope with the situation anymore then seek help immediately before you become depressed yourself. It's quite possible you can suffer from reactionary depression due the stress and pressure you may feel under keeping everything together.

Just know that none of it is your fault and it's not your loved ones fault either. And suicidal feelings do not last. They may come and go but they don't last forever.

Do whatever you can to look after yourself and do not feel guilty about self care. It may only be needed for a short while. Have a massage or go out for coffee with a good friend, whatever it takes to make yourself feel good and better about the situation. It is your right be happy and healthy.

Unsupportive partners.

I met and married my ex husband with a year.I did this for various reasons but I knew in my heart and soul I had made a mistake but decided to go with it as undoing it seemed so much harder.
We met in the July and by the November  we were living in my house, which I had rented out whilst travelling. Within days I realised this guy wasn’t going to be one for helping round the house. I did lots of washing in the first month as he didn’t have a machine in his flat and when we knew we were moving he stopped using the launderette. Fair enough. But then when we had a machine, he didn’t do any laundry either. I kept thinking  ‘he’ll start to help soon’ but he never really did.
Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant and I was suffering horrendous pre natal depression, because of work and lack of support in the home and long days I was exhausted. I was chronically fatigued but not diagnosed and was bitter about not getting my maternity pay so ended up in a downward spiral and became severely depressed. I was so tired I couldn’t even wash my own hair. My husband, rather than helping a little couldn’t handle it and retreated into a shell. I felt very alone but I also imagine I was very difficult to live with. It was a very hot summer and sometimes all I wanted to do was go swimming to cool off but he’d get home and do anything to avoid going with me. I was suffering from paranoia at the time so going alone was difficult plus I wanted someone with me to talk to whilst there. Not much to ask eh?
Depression has always been hanging around in my life for years and it rears it’s ugly head when I am so exhausted I can’t go on and have to be off sick. These cycles went on for years before I was married and whilst I was married.
But now I am in a very supportive partnership, and I mean partnership as we are a team, I no longer have those times of complete frustration and apathy. I have days when I’m more tired than others but my partner is brilliant and does everything for me.
I hear so many women saying how unsupportive their partners are and I was once one of those women. I can’t speak for men as I don’t really know that many men and those I do, except my partner, are the ones who aren’t supportive.
My friends complain about their men not doing anything in the house or helping out when needed or taking the kids off their hands so she can just take a quiet bath or something like that. I’ve seen women so tired and stressed raising a child and/or children and working that they have been really ill. Yes. we want to be independent but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Some women can. Good for them.
I used to be so tired I’d let my daughter get away with things, just for a quiet life. Surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a lot of the time as I worked nights and developed insomnia. Yes, he was there to do the school run and let me sleep in sometimes but only when it was convenient to him. He would sometimes, although not often, come home late, say by an hour and I would be desperate to sleep as I’d be awake for 30 odd hours and he’d just say ‘oh I went to get my hair cut’ or something. I loved being with my daughter but I can’t remember the times I went for a haircut or a smear without a toddler or child in tow.
Women carry so much guilt not being with their kids. Men ‘babysit’ their children. Men most don’t bat an eyelid. I know it’s a genetic thing but genetics don’t dictate our role in the house or as caregivers.
When he lost his job I didn’t get any help aside from him looking after our daughter before and after school. I was ill again and spent 3 months getting better and when I had the energy did the house work. After 3 months of neglect it took me a good couple of weeks to catch up. In the time I’d been laid up, he had hardly done any housework except for the basics. I’m no clean freak but I kept on top of things when I was well despite the tiredness. Once when I was bitching about him never cleaning the bathroom, he said ‘well it looks like you don’t even do it’ my reply was ‘it would look a whole lot worse if I didn’t bother at all’.
He never experienced the tiredness and fatigue I did but because he was working full time and I was part time then it was my duty to do everything else. My brother had the same mind-set when he lived with me and I worked nights, because I was home all day then I could do the chores. He didn’t lift a finger and often left a note (in the days before mobiles) saying when the washing was done, could I put another load of his on? Seriously?
Now my ex is in a relationship with someone who does work full time so he does housework as they are a ‘team’ but neither does he run his web site anymore or have his loft to go work in either. It used to get to me that he thought so little of me that he could be so helpful with another woman but I know we weren’t suited or meant to be and the anger I felt was pointless, I was only hurting myself.
It appears depression related to lack of support from partners in women is quite common. Whether it be with children, illness or housework, it’s common place and I hear it all the time.
I think we know why it happens. Men aren’t cut out for domestic chores, apparently! Some do it so we know it can be done by a man. Men are the hunter gatherers so bring in the wage? Not always, they may work full time but still might not be bread winners. So what stops them lifting a finger when they get home? Who the hell knows.
In an article in the Guardian today about  men doing chores in return for sex apparently. I tried it. It doesn’t work and why shouldn’t a guy mop the floor without expecting sex? Why should a woman have sex with a guy because he tidied up? I want to have sex when we both feel like it and are in the mood for it. At end of the day some guys just don’t think housework is their work. It’s women’s work, as is raising the children and yes you still have to work otherwise you won’t have any money for yourself!
I don’t agree with not standing for your partner not doing his fair share, although this lady gets a high five off me! I also do not agree that they should be given a list and asked to do things. They should know what needs doing and do it for the family, for you and for themselves. It drives me insane!
My partner just gets on with things and as we only live in a small place and he’s home a lot, he just does it rather than sitting with his laptop searching for stuff on ebay or disappearing for the weekend ‘with the lads’. But he always says he has a lot more energy than me and he doesn’t mind doing anything so just cracks on with it so maybe some guys just don’t have the energy but don’t like to admit it?
But even if we lived in a bigger place and he worked away a lot, he would still spend time cleaning and tidying or whatever. And because I appreciate this immensely I don’t resent him so I enjoy the time we have together much more and I also respect him because he respects me. It leads to a very contented life.
So what is the answer? Personally for me I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have any respect for a guy who had so little respect for my daughter and I and pestering for sex, I deserved better. Plus, I didn’t love him so no brainer really but splitting a family apart hasn’t been without it’s problems.
I was scared to be alone and I had always struggled to keep my daughter in check and this was realised when I left. She got even worse with not going to bed or doing anything I asked. Her dad would only have her on the nights I worked so I hardly got a night to myself. I was either at work or had  my daughter. He was going to parties with the girls he was meeting or at the cinema seeing films I wanted to see. Plus I wondered how he could afford it all as he hardly earned much and as a result gave me hardly anything for child support. He was also keeping our martial home spotless and even ironing bedding! He hadn’t changed the sheets, let alone ironed them whilst we were together.
I managed for a year alone before I moved back in with him, into the spare room, I naively though he must be a changed man. My daughter wanted her mum and dad back together and I wanted a rest. Not the smartest idea because whilst we were apart and seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman, but it didn’t last when I moved back in. The housework stopped getting done by him and left to me but he did do the shopping for himself and our daughter, as I used to spend too much.
Needless to say it didn’t last and we separated.
I suppose the other solution is learning to live with it. That’s a humungous task but if you’re up to it then you probably aren’t bothered your guy isn’t supportive anyway otherwise I think you’ll maybe need a great deal of patience and willpower!
I see some friends and acquaintances and feel so angry their guys don’t lift a finger. But that is their journey, their life. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just have to listen and understand and hope one day it’ll change for them.
I also warn my daughter that there are things she needs to not accept when she lives with a guy and that is that if he doesn’t pull his weight then get the hell out of there. She’s still young but if it sticks in her head and finds a guy that does his fair share then I’ll be happy. To have her in a relationship where she is ground down by work, chores and childcare would leave me with a very heavy heart.
She deserves better. We all do. And it’s not much to ask.
I doubt there will be any guys who fit the ‘no chores’ category will be reading this and if they are I doubt it will make them change their minds about supporting their partners. So it’s up to the girls to not stand for it before it’s too late and being stuck with it for years.

                                 

Bloody hormones.

Hey, So it's not stopped raining for a week I don't think!!

The hormones have been driving me crazy this past week to ten days. Up and down like a yo-yo. Yesterday, I was completely najjy, really really irritable and short tempered. I hate myself like that. SO god knows how anyone puts up with me!!

On a brighter note my friend Sandhy is awake and has been transferred to a ward. That woman is phenomenal. A tour de force!! Her chest is still in a bad way but hopefully she'll have the strength to get through that too but it's going to be really hard work for her. I'll be thinking of her every day. Not that that will help in any way but there's not a lot else I can do really.


One thing that has been in the forefront of my mind recently regarding mental ill health issues and my friends going through a tough time is the fact that people get in touch, every now and again to say 'hi' or 'how you doing? And then you reply 'ok' or 'not so bad' or 'terrible', for example. Then you get nothing in return at all. The Time to Change programme is all for sending a message, a post card, or a text to see how your buddy is doing but then it has to be followed through? Surely?

If your friend doesn't answer or doesn't say 'yeah I'm great thanks' then the text, message, whatever needs following up and especially when the person suffering texts back then answer, saying 'great, good for you' or 'oh no, so sorry to hear that' you kind of get the drift? Don't just leave it hanging. It will make the person receiving the messages feel worse! On the other side, if you are the one suffering, then be careful who you engage with. Engage with the ones you know will send the message in genuine care for you and are truly looking out for you. Even if it's just an exchange of 2 or 3 texts or a 10 minute call.
Having someone ask you how you are as they know you aren't well then not bothering to continue the conversation is hurtful and could catch you at a very vulnerable moment. It could be the straw that breaks the camels back.