A thank you is the cherry on the cake.

We all know that we should have manners. We bring our children up to have manners, to say please, thank you and be courteous. I am as guilty as many mothers saying to our children 'where are your manners?' or ' a thank you would be nice'. If you hold a door open or move out of the way for someone most of the time we would expect a thank you right?If a person doesn't say thank you when you do something, how do we feel? Annoyed? Angry? It's an injustice?

I remember doing things for people and saying it was ok that I was doing it but if I didn't get a thank you or something in return I would begrudge it, bemoan it, bemoan them. I could see a way I could be helpful or asked to help and I would help but when I had done the deed and I didn't get a thank you or reward, say monetary if I'd used petrol or bought something and they didn't pay me back, I would get angry about it and feel used, especially when the shoe was on the other foot and I needed help and they either refused or ignored my pleas or worse took over the situation.

What good did that anger do me? Nothing. It didn't change anything, it made me ill, it drove me mad, it made me resent people. And up until recently I was still using the phrase 'after all I've done for them'. Now I see the error of my ways.
                             
Firstly, I was expecting something in return for doing something. I don't know where this idea came from. I don't know if I was bought up with it? Yes, I was bought up with manners but where did I get the idea I had to expect something in return for good deeds? Is it the 'get what you give' principle? I think it probably is. I expected because I had given out my time and money etc that I should expect the same kind of consideration back. Right? Wrong.

I have learned that doing a deed for someone should be done with love and wholeheartedness. I should give what I can, when I can and do it because I want to, because I can do it and because I don't want anything in return. I mean anything as in nothing. I don't expect acknowledgement or thanks. Why? Because I have done this thing with love and wholeheartedness that I will get the gratitude from the act knowing it has helped someone. That is my thanks, that is my gratitude.

If you do something for someone and want something for it such as acknowledgment then you are expecting something in return. If you expect something in return and do not get it, you will lead to  disappointment and begrudging the act and/or the person.

The easiest thing to do is not expect anything. Not one single thing. Not even a thank you. Knowing you have done the act out of sheer love of doing the task or that it will make someones life easier is enough for me. The thank you is the cherry on the cake but without the cherry, the cake is just as nice isn't it?

For want of a better example, I use the harassed mother example. A lady is coming towards the shop you are in. She has a pushchair and a toddler with her that doesn't look too happy. You stand and open the door for her and she bustles in past you without any acknowledgement at all. Not even a simple thank you, so how does that make you feel? It could make you feel anything from a bit annoyed to really angry, depending on how you are feeling at the time and your mood at the time.

Imagine it makes you feel really angry. How dare she ignore you. How dare she not say thank you. Then you start thinking about all the people who have you aggrieved you and the lack of thanks you have gotten over a few things you have done for people. Ok this is an extreme reaction but I know I have sometimes felt like that. It sometimes only takes one thing to spark an avalanche of negative feelings.

So lets look back at harassed Mum. She is obviously having a bad time when you come across her. She is probably tired and having to back things in between feeding her baby. Things can be magnified  when a person is tired, harassed and under stress. We could look at it another way. What a great coincidence you were there to open the door of her. You made a moment in her life so much easier as she didn't have to wrestle with the door. I would then say to myself 'well done you for being in the right place at the right time and thank you for being a nice person.'

Even if the person coming through the door isn't harassed and just blanks you, for example a man in a suit, you would expect him to be polite and say thank you. We make assumptions of people quite quickly. You probably would not even expect a thank you from a teenager whose trousers are hanging off their bum. However, do we know that the suited man isn't distracted and having personal problems or that he's really narcissistic that he believes everyone should open the door for him and he should never open door for anyone. We have no way of knowing. The point is we can control how we feel about not receiving the thank you.

It doesn't matter whether the person you are opening the door for is an harassed mother, a suited guy or a teenager with saggy jeans. The fact of the matter is we are brought up to accept manner sin return for noble deeds. When we don't get them we tend to be peeved but we don't need to be peeved. We can take comfort that we did deeds with wholeheartedness and love.

Over the course of my life I have done favours for people, spent money on them, helped them out etc yet expected something in return from whatever source; monetary, thanks, presents, praise....but I have learned that I choose who I do things for and what the task is and if I do it for someone I do it wholeheartedly, with love and expect zero back. I no longer bend over backwards for people, put myself out or change plans unless I want to or do things I don't want to do. It got me nowhere in the past.

We have had it instilled in us to be polite and have manners but just because we don't say thank you or reciprocate someones actions does not mean we are ungrateful. Perhaps the person who didn't say thank you is preoccupied or think they are a bit above themselves or you. The mere act of doing what is necessary to make something better for someone else is enough of a thank you. We can thank ourselves for being thoughtful and generous and in the right place at the right with the ability to do the act. How wonderful is that? We were there at the right time, the right place and we had the ability to help. Thank goodness you were there. The universe will thank you for your generosity too. It does;t have to be the person you did the deed for.

For example, if you donate some money, do it with sheer joy. Say to yourself 'I am grateful I have this money,  I am fortunate enough that I can afford to give it away and I give it to you wholeheartedly with love and hope it will help you get where you need to be'. Don't expect a thank you in return, just know that you helped someone because you were able to is the universe thanking you for being a good person. If the person or charity send you a thank you then that is the cherry on the cake. A nice addition to an already bloody lovely slice of cake.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

Unsupportive partners.

I met and married my ex husband with a year.I did this for various reasons but I knew in my heart and soul I had made a mistake but decided to go with it as undoing it seemed so much harder.
We met in the July and by the November  we were living in my house, which I had rented out whilst travelling. Within days I realised this guy wasn’t going to be one for helping round the house. I did lots of washing in the first month as he didn’t have a machine in his flat and when we knew we were moving he stopped using the launderette. Fair enough. But then when we had a machine, he didn’t do any laundry either. I kept thinking  ‘he’ll start to help soon’ but he never really did.
Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant and I was suffering horrendous pre natal depression, because of work and lack of support in the home and long days I was exhausted. I was chronically fatigued but not diagnosed and was bitter about not getting my maternity pay so ended up in a downward spiral and became severely depressed. I was so tired I couldn’t even wash my own hair. My husband, rather than helping a little couldn’t handle it and retreated into a shell. I felt very alone but I also imagine I was very difficult to live with. It was a very hot summer and sometimes all I wanted to do was go swimming to cool off but he’d get home and do anything to avoid going with me. I was suffering from paranoia at the time so going alone was difficult plus I wanted someone with me to talk to whilst there. Not much to ask eh?
Depression has always been hanging around in my life for years and it rears it’s ugly head when I am so exhausted I can’t go on and have to be off sick. These cycles went on for years before I was married and whilst I was married.
But now I am in a very supportive partnership, and I mean partnership as we are a team, I no longer have those times of complete frustration and apathy. I have days when I’m more tired than others but my partner is brilliant and does everything for me.
I hear so many women saying how unsupportive their partners are and I was once one of those women. I can’t speak for men as I don’t really know that many men and those I do, except my partner, are the ones who aren’t supportive.
My friends complain about their men not doing anything in the house or helping out when needed or taking the kids off their hands so she can just take a quiet bath or something like that. I’ve seen women so tired and stressed raising a child and/or children and working that they have been really ill. Yes. we want to be independent but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Some women can. Good for them.
I used to be so tired I’d let my daughter get away with things, just for a quiet life. Surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a lot of the time as I worked nights and developed insomnia. Yes, he was there to do the school run and let me sleep in sometimes but only when it was convenient to him. He would sometimes, although not often, come home late, say by an hour and I would be desperate to sleep as I’d be awake for 30 odd hours and he’d just say ‘oh I went to get my hair cut’ or something. I loved being with my daughter but I can’t remember the times I went for a haircut or a smear without a toddler or child in tow.
Women carry so much guilt not being with their kids. Men ‘babysit’ their children. Men most don’t bat an eyelid. I know it’s a genetic thing but genetics don’t dictate our role in the house or as caregivers.
When he lost his job I didn’t get any help aside from him looking after our daughter before and after school. I was ill again and spent 3 months getting better and when I had the energy did the house work. After 3 months of neglect it took me a good couple of weeks to catch up. In the time I’d been laid up, he had hardly done any housework except for the basics. I’m no clean freak but I kept on top of things when I was well despite the tiredness. Once when I was bitching about him never cleaning the bathroom, he said ‘well it looks like you don’t even do it’ my reply was ‘it would look a whole lot worse if I didn’t bother at all’.
He never experienced the tiredness and fatigue I did but because he was working full time and I was part time then it was my duty to do everything else. My brother had the same mind-set when he lived with me and I worked nights, because I was home all day then I could do the chores. He didn’t lift a finger and often left a note (in the days before mobiles) saying when the washing was done, could I put another load of his on? Seriously?
Now my ex is in a relationship with someone who does work full time so he does housework as they are a ‘team’ but neither does he run his web site anymore or have his loft to go work in either. It used to get to me that he thought so little of me that he could be so helpful with another woman but I know we weren’t suited or meant to be and the anger I felt was pointless, I was only hurting myself.
It appears depression related to lack of support from partners in women is quite common. Whether it be with children, illness or housework, it’s common place and I hear it all the time.
I think we know why it happens. Men aren’t cut out for domestic chores, apparently! Some do it so we know it can be done by a man. Men are the hunter gatherers so bring in the wage? Not always, they may work full time but still might not be bread winners. So what stops them lifting a finger when they get home? Who the hell knows.
In an article in the Guardian today about  men doing chores in return for sex apparently. I tried it. It doesn’t work and why shouldn’t a guy mop the floor without expecting sex? Why should a woman have sex with a guy because he tidied up? I want to have sex when we both feel like it and are in the mood for it. At end of the day some guys just don’t think housework is their work. It’s women’s work, as is raising the children and yes you still have to work otherwise you won’t have any money for yourself!
I don’t agree with not standing for your partner not doing his fair share, although this lady gets a high five off me! I also do not agree that they should be given a list and asked to do things. They should know what needs doing and do it for the family, for you and for themselves. It drives me insane!
My partner just gets on with things and as we only live in a small place and he’s home a lot, he just does it rather than sitting with his laptop searching for stuff on ebay or disappearing for the weekend ‘with the lads’. But he always says he has a lot more energy than me and he doesn’t mind doing anything so just cracks on with it so maybe some guys just don’t have the energy but don’t like to admit it?
But even if we lived in a bigger place and he worked away a lot, he would still spend time cleaning and tidying or whatever. And because I appreciate this immensely I don’t resent him so I enjoy the time we have together much more and I also respect him because he respects me. It leads to a very contented life.
So what is the answer? Personally for me I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have any respect for a guy who had so little respect for my daughter and I and pestering for sex, I deserved better. Plus, I didn’t love him so no brainer really but splitting a family apart hasn’t been without it’s problems.
I was scared to be alone and I had always struggled to keep my daughter in check and this was realised when I left. She got even worse with not going to bed or doing anything I asked. Her dad would only have her on the nights I worked so I hardly got a night to myself. I was either at work or had  my daughter. He was going to parties with the girls he was meeting or at the cinema seeing films I wanted to see. Plus I wondered how he could afford it all as he hardly earned much and as a result gave me hardly anything for child support. He was also keeping our martial home spotless and even ironing bedding! He hadn’t changed the sheets, let alone ironed them whilst we were together.
I managed for a year alone before I moved back in with him, into the spare room, I naively though he must be a changed man. My daughter wanted her mum and dad back together and I wanted a rest. Not the smartest idea because whilst we were apart and seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman, but it didn’t last when I moved back in. The housework stopped getting done by him and left to me but he did do the shopping for himself and our daughter, as I used to spend too much.
Needless to say it didn’t last and we separated.
I suppose the other solution is learning to live with it. That’s a humungous task but if you’re up to it then you probably aren’t bothered your guy isn’t supportive anyway otherwise I think you’ll maybe need a great deal of patience and willpower!
I see some friends and acquaintances and feel so angry their guys don’t lift a finger. But that is their journey, their life. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just have to listen and understand and hope one day it’ll change for them.
I also warn my daughter that there are things she needs to not accept when she lives with a guy and that is that if he doesn’t pull his weight then get the hell out of there. She’s still young but if it sticks in her head and finds a guy that does his fair share then I’ll be happy. To have her in a relationship where she is ground down by work, chores and childcare would leave me with a very heavy heart.
She deserves better. We all do. And it’s not much to ask.
I doubt there will be any guys who fit the ‘no chores’ category will be reading this and if they are I doubt it will make them change their minds about supporting their partners. So it’s up to the girls to not stand for it before it’s too late and being stuck with it for years.

                                 

Law of attraction.

I've never really thought about the law of attraction much. I've always been one for 'why can't it just happen'. 

I've always had the attitude with money that something will always come along to help me out when I need it and it worked. Little did I know that if I applied that thinking to the rest of my life, things might have worked much better. I think it has gotten me to where I need to be and I had to go through things to get here but maybe it wouldn't have been such a rocky journey? 

But I didn't apply this thinking until 

I'd had it completely with men in my life not being what I wanted. I expected them to just be what I wanted but I didn't believe I deserved it. Until I'd gone through a seperation, an affair and a few failed attempts at a relationship, including a stalker, I decided enough was enough and I had a subconscious list in my head

of what I would NOT accept anymore. 

I didn't want the characteristics my ex had, which consisted of not doing any housework and paying little interest in me or our daughter. 

People who know me know how unhelpful my ex was and how little he was interested in our child. We battled a lot over parenting and I was very lasse fairs, which made a rod for my own back and he was very strict. 

Our daughter was virtually with me 24/7 and always wanted mummy so it was quite tiring and I had elderly grandparents and their garden to look after so I was pretty tired most of the time. He didn't seem to care. I became quite ill a couple of times with depression/ chronic fatigue and he did nothing round the house to help and I had to suggest he take our daughter to the park instead of the DIY store on a weekend when I started back to work. 

He was doing our house up for years so he did have a job on his hands, of which I'm very grateful, but we were never a team. Now I get 'we're a team' shoved down my throat by him and his gf all the time! 

The affair was born out of unhappiness with my ex and looking for my prince. I thought he was my knight. Yes, a cliche but I've always wanted a knight. 

I've always wanted to be looked after. Maybe that stems from my childhood, although my granny looked after me well, I felt my mum didn't really care when I was distressed or ill. I could give you examples but you'll just have to take my word for it. I don't want to speak ill of her or get into discussion about it just now. Maybe another time. I've just had this strong sense of wanting to be looked after.

The affair wasn't meant to be an affair but that's what it was. It reeked havoc on many lives but I don't regret it in a lot of ways. Selfishly, it has got me where I need to be and even my ex has done well by it even if it was traumatic, maybe even the man and his wife involved in the affair, have gained something from the awful experience? Who knows. 

I'm was very much one for jumping in with both feet. When I met my ex he was besotted with me and I'd never had that so I dived in and we soon got married. I knew I'd made a massive mistake but I just ignored the fact and got on with it and was ill for at least a few weeks, most years, sometimes months at a time and very unhappy. 

Even though he'd agreed before we'd gotten married that we would have children,  he didn't want a child but I persuaded him. Our daughter arrived and for a short time things were good. But cracks appeared again and after a while I just got fed up with nagging and I didn't love him. I went about things totally the wrong way as I was so fed up at this point and to be honest I thought if I found someone else to go to, my ex wouldn't be able to persuade me to stay. It didn't work like that at all. 

It was very messy. 

Anyway, I thought I would find in the affair what I didn't in the marriage. Yes, there was romance and love and it was a bit fairy tale at times but it was messy, dirty and sordid as well. 

So it wasn't the fairy tale I imagined. I held onto it for dear life as he did leave his wife but not for me, it was the thing he thought he should do but he kept me at arms length and I knew something was wrong. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back. Served me right!! 

That was the final straw for me, it took a lot of abuse but I thought we had a love worth fighting for. Turned out I couldn't see what everyone else could. I was blind. But I needed to get to that stage to be able to let go. 

He made me realise just what I didn't want from a relationship too, just like my ex. 

Still having low self worth and esteem and due to circumstances I dabbled in casual relationships with a thought that I might be able to persuade a man to have a proper relationship. A couple did but were disasters. Not what I wanted it all and I wouldn't put up with it. 

But I attracted the wrong type of guy because I didn't specify enough and believe enough what I wanted and wouldn't put up with. I was still of the mind set that I could be easily led and gave some guys the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have. I've done this with   female relationships too! 

If someone paid me attention I gave them my time no matter what. And I was a pretty loyal too and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. To my own pain!! 

It usually backfired and I was the one who ended up with egg on my face! 

But did that happen because I didn't specify to myself what I wouldn't accept in life? I think so. 

I remember my brother suggesting my ex and I about a car, as we were looking for a new one. We looked and looked for this specific car and given up looking then his step mums' mum was selling the exact same kind of car and specifications we were looking for! 

Have you ever noticed if you get obsessed with something, for example, say a type of shoe or dress, you'll think about the object all the time eventually the right one will appear and it'll be perfect. But you have to let it go. Learn to forget about it but still have faith that object will come to you. 

I eventually became comfortable with being by myself. And I had a list in my head what I wanted and I believed in my heart that I would accept nothing less. 

A long came the hero of the hour. He tried to persuade me to start a relationship before I was ready but I refused until I was sure. We saw each other as friends for a while and our relationship blossomed without many complications. 

At our time in our life, we both have baggage so it wasn't plain sailing but I swore to myself if he treated me badly I wouldn't stand for it. And despite hiccoughs of life we have a very deep and loving relationship. He has gotten what he wished for too. Most of his married life he has wanted someone like me. I was quite fortunate I didn't need to ask for long before he came along. 

The whole point of this is that we get what we ask for. Be it money for a coffee with a friend or buy a new dress to big things like the house of your dreams. 

It's not wrong to have dreams but you have to believe in your heart they will happen. 

It's very difficult when someone is ill to believe anything good will happen. But through believing I deserved better I got what I wanted and through it I also managed to change my mindset. By being grateful for what I have, not what I don't. 

I'm not sure I would be so positive if my new partner hadn't come along but I truly believe he would have come along anyway because that is what I wanted. 

Maybe give it a try? But you have to believe it will happen. 

It took me a few years to actually take it all on board and maybe if I hit a tragedy in my life I would think it was all a load of rubbish. I have experienced tragedy and would find it hard to find positive about things like my mum dying so I fully appreciate its not for everyone and being very vulnerable can mean if we wish for things the wrong thing in disguise of the thing we wished for might come along or we might not get it at all and be totally let down again but that also stems from our belief that we deserve bad things because we are bad people. Unlovable and only get the love of an unsuitable person, for example, as that's what we deserve but it's not true. 

We need to realise the great person we are and we have to also have some self care and love of ourself before we can attract the right person in. 

I never believed it until I experienced it. It can happen. I've been the most negative person for years. I'm living proof things can change with the power of attracting what we do want. Forget what you don't want, just concentrate on what you do want. Corny as it is, you are worth it.