My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 8.

I realised I had created all the bad in my life by not caring enough about myself or valuing myself. For a long long time I didn't love myself. That was my biggest mistake.

Self love can be difficult. We aren't raised to think about loving ourselves. It's self indulgent and somewhat narcissistic. I hated myself for years, since I started to have emotional problems at age 14 because I wasn't viewed as being 'normal' and mocked by people for self harming. I hated the way I reacted to people's opinions of me and was a people pleaser. And I just expected to be treated the same way I treated people in return. That's not how it works.

I wanted my ex to file for divorce so we could both move on and be rid of each other. Plus I wanted him to pay for it as I had paid for the wedding. We sold the house and he wouldn't settle for the divorce until we agreed on how the money was divided. Baring his solicitor is cutthroat, they went for the jugular. He wanted all the money form the sale of the house. He had my daughter living with him so he could take me to court and have a good case, plus I have a good pension so he was entitled a cut from that anyway to the tune of 10K. It was so stressful as I had debt I needed to settle so couldn't hand to all over. He threatened to go for half my pension which was worth a heck of a lot if I didn't agree.

We argued over and over it and my solicitor always needed chasing up so the stress was awful. I managed to get him to agree to giving me a quarter of the money if he left my pension alone. I had real trouble dealing with this. I was very bitter. I had had a house when I met my ex and had it for 10 years. I bought it with the money my dad had given me after my mum died and the house had turned it into good money so we used some of it to buy the next home we lived in. We put down a huge chunk towards it. Had I known then that he would do this I would have gotten a prenup.

I had always been crap with money and always getting into debt and getting myself out of it but my ex had never gotten into much debt. He was using his credit card to pay for the DIY stuff needed for the house renovation so we eventually sold my house and paid off what we owed.

When he had gotten made redundant he'd had a payout of 20k. I hardly saw any of that. Within three years of being with his new gf he had blown 32k. The money from the sale of the house was going to go on debt he had accrued living his new life. It annoyed me as I would be left with very little. He had already taken so much off me, this was just another stab in the back. Maybe he was punishing me for cheating on him and treating him so badly? He would never admit it.

After a while of being cut up with anger and bitterness for so long I decided enough was enough. I had attracted my ex into my life when I was lonely and desperate. I had attracted MM into my life when I was unhappy and miserable. I had attracted bad guys into my life when I was not in a good place. It had all been down to me and my lack of self esteem and self love.

So many bad things had happened over the past few years that I was sick of constantly feeling the victim. I guess I had a revelation. My life with my OH was going really good. We were looking forward to a lot of good times ahead. A future I had wished for many years ago. I had started coming off the medication over 14 months ago and had finally got off the venlafaxine totally. It took so long as I get 'brain zaps' coming off them. Brain zaps are difficult to describe but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about if you've had them. Coming off medication too quickly can cause these to be awful. So I took my time and reduced really slowly. I also noticed not taking as much venlafaxine made my quetiapine more effective so reduced the dose of that too.

Although I was having a few down days, by now I was feeling a lot better but I was also feeling numb. I didn't look forward to the day. I just wanted to sleep and be out of it but I wasn't sad. Just really tired and if I was awake I would think too much but I had trouble feeling emotion except anger and hatred. I was suffering anhenoia, which is the inability to feel pleasure. I decided my pills weren't helping that.

Being on such a high dose I think contributed to my bad gut situation. I was severally constipated on the high dose along with the quetiapine and was fed up with it. I felt the time had been right to reduce the doses. I wouldn't recommend that to anyone, it was just something I did. I was a fed up with the NHS and lack of input from them also. After my OD and seeing a very nice psychiatrist once I had no further contact for months. He was instrumental in helping me alter my shifts at work then having time off work but then I didn't hear from him for months. It wasn't his fault as he'd had to take sick leave and there was no one to cover him. There are few and far between doctors and nurses, who in my opinion, make a difference. He was one of them.

Before I took the OD I had asked to be referred back to my psychiatrist  but she had left so I turned up for an appointment which had been a cancellation. I was grateful for it until I got there and was surrounded by elderly patients in the waiting room and felt something was wrong. I got called into the office and met with a brusk german doctor who asked me what the problem was so I explained. I asked if my request for psychotherapy had been sent in by my last psychiatrist and he couldn't answer it. He flicked and flicked through my notes and saw I was taking a bigger dose of venlafaxine and quetiapine. I got pretty emotional telling my story and he showed no empathy whatsoever. He had an assistant in the room with him and neither of them offered me a tissue when I had tears and snot running down my face and couldn't find one in my bag. He simply just shrugged his shoulders and said there was nothing more they could do. I left in tears and felt once again let down by the NHS for their lack of support.

I googled the consultant when I got home and found him to be an Alzheimer's specialist. I complained to the PALS (patient liaison service) that he wasn't an appropriate consultant for me to see and they managed to get me transferred to the new more understanding one. However in 2 years I have only spoken to him once and seen hm once. I saw his registrar last year sometime and said I what I doing with my pills and she didn't seem bothered. The language barrier was a bit tricky anyway so and I kept having to repeat myself. She said I would see her again in a few months and since then I must have had 8 or so letters with appointments and cancellations with no further appointment being sent through and to be honest I'm not chasing it as I might just get another wasting time appointment that someone else could do with more than me. I have washed my hands of psychiatry for the time being. Never say never.

The  christmas my OH and I were first together he bought me a newer version of the SAD (seasonal affective disorder) light I had. Mine was made of wood and about 11 years old and this one is light weight and portable (ish). I had been neglecting using one for a couple of years because I had nowhere to put it at my house and thought, bloody mindedly, that it didn't work. But now I am religious with it. I also stopped using it as I wouldn't get up until late morning/lunch time and they can cause insomnia and I didn't want any of that. Now I had the sleeping thing under and bit more control, it wasn't a problem.

I know I sound hypochondriac again but I also believed, through the stress that I had adrenal fatigue. It's not recognised by the medical profession so again I wasn't going o mention it to my GP or indeed anyone else. Adrenal fatigue causes all sorts of problems and can take forever to get back to normal. The symptoms are much the same and can be confused with chronic fatigue and depression.

Are you:

• Tired for no reason?
• Having trouble getting up in the morning?
• Depending on coffee or colas to keep you going?
• Feeling run down and stressed?
• Dragging through each day?
• Craving salty or sweet snacks?
• Struggling to keep up with life's daily demands?
• Unable to bounce back from stress or illness?
• Not having fun anymore?
• Experiencing decreased sex drive?
• Simply too tired to enjoy life?

But the things that stood out were that I had fried nerves and become really really inpatient and every thing got on my nerves and when I was due my period well it wasn't only horrendous for myself but everyone around me. I'd experienced similar to this in the past but not the frayed nerves as such. I had always known to be inpatient but this was another level.

I have embarked on diets before for illness such as depression, gut problems and chronic fatigue so once again I embarked on one for this. I started what is known as the paleo or caveman diet, which involves basically eating a lot of meat and fats and no carbs. I lasted about a week as it's expensive, I can't bare fat on meat and the mere smell of it cooking started to make me retch. Plus I was wrestling with my conscience over eating meat as well.

I have been known to over eat in the past and starting a new relationship meant eating out a fair bit and more wine and a side effect of adrenal fatigue is weight gain due to cortisol levels being really high. I was eating without thinking at work biscuits, cakes, anything just to try and get a little energy. So subsequently piled a lot of weight on in a short space of time. Now I look at what I eat and generally eat as healthy as I can but smaller portions, I'm not saint though and alcohol is still a draw for me although I am cutting it right down for obvious reasons.

My other coping mechanisms come in the form of self help and mainly gratitude. I revisited a book called The Secret, which I had read a few years ago but never practiced. In another book int he series called The Magic, it talks about writing down everyday, things that you are grateful for. You have to list 10 things, every day. Now gratitude is something alien to me. I've always thought that we should 'do unto others....' and 'you get what you give' kind of thinking but this teaches you to do it in a new way. It teaches you to give wholeheartedly and with love and expect nothing in return. Sounds easy but takes some practice.

Being grateful for the smallest things really help me stay focused on the here and now. A bit like mindfulness but I don't focus on my body and what's going on it, more of a not worrying about the past or the future as much as I did. I was great at beating myself up about the past and worrying needlessly about the future. I would worry about so many things. My daughters future, which sounds normal but obsessively worry about it and things like that shops weren't busy enough. I was pretty anxious before my last overdose and the only thing that would help it was sleep.

Now I can cope with it on a daily basis by focusing on what I do have than what I don't. For example.

1. I am grateful today that I woke up without a headache.
2. I am grateful today I slept all night.
3.I am grateful today that I have enough energy to shower and wash my hair.

You get the picture, that kind of thing. Not beating myself up about the fact that I didn't have the energy to not do other things than wash my hair and shower. If we focus on what we can't do, what we don't have then we attract more of that into our lives. Whether you believe that theory or not, it really helped me. I was fed up with attracting things into my life I didn't want.

I also started practicing more the Law of Attraction. Again, it might seem a bit new age for you but honestly it works. Basically you think about what you want, write a list about it and be specific about it, focus on it but not obsess over it; it's important not the be so desperate for what you want, it won't happen if you are desperate. The link above sums it up perfectly. Again it takes practice but it's worth it. Changing a mindset you have had for years does not happen overnight and takes patience and practice.

Try it with a simple thing at first and see for yourself. If it doesn't work keep trying. It may not happen instantly. I've done it with cars, jewellery, books, movies, all sorts of things. I have had an image in my head of what I want and known that it will really happen and I've believed that in my heart and it has happened. A couple of cautions, be careful what you wish for and stay away from scams. If you are gullible, naive and vulnerable you can easily be taken advantage of, as I have been. The key is to looking for the clues but knowing when it is right, if it doesn't feel right then stay away from it.

It helps that the stress in my life is a lot less than it was. The emails (by now i had blocked the ex and his gf on all communication sites other than my ex on email) had dried up, I was divorced, finally, more financially secure, looking forward to the future. I still have 'melt downs' but they aren't as often and I bounce back from them a lot quicker. I practice gratitude ever day and look for the positive, not negatives in every situation.

I also take supplements for fatigue and PMT, which include magnesium, evening primrose oil, vitamin c and co-enzyme q10. I did try using white tea instead of black tea and switching milk to non dairy but again I found I couldn't keep it up. I also learned to love myself, warts and all. If I can't love myself then no one will love me the way I want.

I have also been introduced along the way to Brene Brown and have always been a fan of Elizabeth Gilbert who have been a greta inspiration to me. I have learned to get people out of my life that suck the life and soul out of me and see things that come my way as opportunities rather than life threatening events or catastrophes.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 6.

My husband eventually moved out as I had pets so renting would be tricky and also I had moved in and out that many times I couldn't face doing it again. Our daughter used to have lot of friends round in the holidays and my husband wouldn't allow them in the house so it was better I was there. I promised not to stitch him over the money that could be left over should we sell the house.

In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.

I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.

I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.

The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.

My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.

It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.

I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.

I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.

The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.

My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.

I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.

Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.

But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 5.

Embarking on an affair with a married man is one the stupidest things I ever did and I had no dignity for myself or respect for anyone involved. It nearly destroyed me several times.

I moved out of the marital home and into a rented house nearby. I strongly believe in feathers as a sign from people who have passed. I say it's my mum when I see a feather. The morning I rushed back from the school run to get paperwork to go and get a house rented out I saw feathers everywhere. 

But I told myself because the house I was getting was in the next street to the marital home (so our I wouldn't have to move our daughter away from her friends) and I could afford it that it was meant to be. 

I also thought having this house would mean that my married man would come to me. Just like going to New Zealand, it didn't work. I could write a whole book about the things that happened but I won't bore you with the details other than he acted like a married man. He was text book. Getting a second phone so he could text me, using business trips as a way of us going away for the night, pretending to go to work but seeing me all day. We would be skyping virtually all day when we couldn't see each other. 

I should have known, indeed I did know that it wasn't going to work by the fact that I'd gone on a trip abroad with a friend when we first got together and whilst I was away he told me he couldn't do it. I rang him and he cried but after a day started to text again and this was to be the pattern for many months to come.

On 3 occasions, he 'moved' in. Well, the first one he rang to say he was leaving his wife and could he live with me. I was shocked but allowed it. That night he seemed ok but the next day was acting a bit weird before he went to work. He texted me not long after he had left my house and said he needed to go and see his kids after work as they were upset. I said it was no problem and I'd see him later, then I went upstairs. The majority of the stuff he'd brought with him the night beforehand gone. He had left. 

I was furious. But I let him do this to me over and over again. Each time getting weaker and weaker in one way and stronger in another. 

I had started to work more hours working three nights a week and my husband would only have our daughter on the nights I worked. She had taken to getting up when I'd gone to bed and I'd find her watching TV all hours of the night plus she wouldn't go to bed for me and every night was stressful trying to get her to bed and to sleep. I was so tired from working all the time and barely getting any sleep. My husband was meanwhile doing all the things I wanted to do like going out, going to the cinema or having a meal. He seemed a changed man but he wouldn't leave me alone. If I didn't text him he sulked, if I did he would persuade me to see him once our daughter had gone to bed and do all the things he never did whilst we were together like cook a meal for us both and watch a movie together and even share a bottle of wine.

Wine had become a very good friend of mine at this time and I had started drinking a lot. It quelled the pain of hurt, loneliness, anger and bitterness. It also stopped the tears. I cried a hell of a lot during that time. I didn't know any other way of dealing with it. I didn't know half of what I know now of dealing with life than I do now. Maybe I wasn't in the right place to do it back then?

Whilst on a break from MM (married man) I started seeing someone else who liked to drink also. It was a dangerous mixture. I had told him about MM and he was understanding and even shared the texts with him MM would send me whilst we were together. I'd told MM to leave me alone as I was seeing someone else but he wouldn't leave me be and although I had ignored him for a short time when things went wrong with the guy I was back in touch and seeing MM again.

I would miss out on sleeping after my shifts in order to see MM and it was taking it's toll. I was getting very little sleep and was very stressed out. The thrill and excitement had gone but I was stuck with being dependant on this guy. It all came to a head when I'd not slept properly for days and he lied to me again about coming to be with me. It was all a bit too much and I took an overdose. I didn't really want to die, just sleep but stupidly I had done it whilst my daughter was with me. I don't know what I was thinking. The case was referred to social services and after I'd been discharged form hospital it was decided that I would move back into the marital home so that our daughter was safe and social services would be happy that I wasn't on my own with her. Little did I know that my husband would use this against me at a later date. 

I couldn't stay away from MM despite what I had been through and after a while back at home, in separate rooms, I saw him again or was at least in touch with him. Despite trying to give my marriage a go, my heart wasn't in it and I missed MM so much. My husband found out and I got kicked out again and went back to my rental place briefly. But after a short time I was back at the marital home. I can't exactly remember the sequence of events. It's all very fussy and confusing. 

My husband and I started to live sort of separate lives. So I did see MM now and again. He had moved out and sold his marital home and was living alone in a place I could have only ever dreamed of living. I thought perhaps this was it and we would finally be together but something wasn't right. He was acting very strangely. He wasn't keen on me staying overnight.  If I did he would have me out the house by the crack of dawn claiming he had meetings to go to. I never stood up to him or asked to be left in bed and I would let myself out later. When I was getting ready to leave he would scan the house and make sure I'd left nothing behind. He claimed was so his children didn't see anything so I bought it. 

Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. One night he said he was staying in and watching a movie. He hardly texted me that night and I knew he was lying so I drove to his house and his car wasn't there. Later that night when he started texting again I challenged him and he denied everything. He was good at doing that. He had done it a lot in the past and his wife had even confirmed some of my beliefs on a few things. I went round and he wouldn't open the door but when I started shouting he did as it was a small village and he had an appearance to keep up.

I threw the presents he had given me for christmas back at him and a necklace he had given me the christmas before and said good riddance. I badgered and badgered him on text after to tell me the truth about what had been going on and he still denied anything had. But eventually after banding insults backwards and forwards he admitted he'd been seeing a girl his sister worked with who lived int the village. That explained everything.

He still denied how long he'd been seeing her as he said it was only once but it had been weeks. I also found out that the liaison he'd had with a girl from the office before we had gotten together was more than a kiss in the carpark. I'm not saying I was in the wrong but jut that this was the type of person I really didn't need ever in my life.

I had the ability to attract the vultures of the vulnerable easily. One of my ex friends was one. I hadn't really wanted to be friends with her but she wouldn't leave me alone. I took it as flattery rather than what it was. A following for her. I kept the relationship up for years but when I had finished the relationship with MM and started to look at other avenues to occupy myself she slated everything I did. Apparently she had been having a go about me for a long time behind my back but it didn't come to light until I accidentally offended her on text then the proverbial hit the fan.

Ironically she did me a favour as she had reported me to social services for drinking too heavily and sleeping whilst our daughter was in the house so I stopped drinking and went to work weekends instead. I had taken on a challenge to keep my mind off MM so that gave me chance int he week to fundraise for it whilst my daughter was at school. 

My husband and I seemed to carry on after all the stuff with MM but I still struggled to be his wife. Sex was always begrudged and I never had any libido. We still had separate rooms because I found it annoying if I was fast asleep then he'd wake me up on coming to bed and then I wouldn't get back to sleep. I found a new lease of life in cycling though and training for a big bike ride in Africa. So things just bumbled along and I forgot about everyday life and just focused on fundraising and bike riding. 

My journey with depression, chronic fatigue syndrome and borderline personality disorder. Part 2.

Be careful reading this it could possibly trigger some unwanted feelings.

Following my mothers death and a change of job, my BF (best friend) decided she was going travelling and their was no way she was going without me so I set about renting my house out and packing up to go. It seemed a complete turn around from spending months creating a home and buying things for it to packing it all up to go away.

I intended to go to Australia and never come back. I managed mostly quite well whilst over there. There was a lot of partying and long days working whilst we lived in Sydney. It wasn't without angst but mostly I felt in control and happy. That was until the guy I was seeing went away for christmas without me and I found I was pregnant. I started crying and could not stop.

To add to the the complications I'd had a one night stand whilst my boyfriend was away and turned out it was the one night stands baby. Despite using the morning after pill, which I was told didn't work in Australia. After I found this out I  decided I had no choice but to have a termination. Something I had been against anyone doing for years. It was my worst fear and it was happening to me and I was having to go through it. It was either that or face bringing up a child alone and I knew I wasn't capable of that.

Whatever your thoughts on abortion, please bare in mind that every circumstance is unique and individual. It was a difficult decision for me but I didn't have a choice. I had a one night stand because I got really drunk and got attention of a guy that was at the party and it seemed to ease the pain a little, temporarily. That's how I dealt with things. I would not recommend doing any other actions as a fix at all.

I didn't stop crying as we moved to Melbourne and I attended the clinic and it was all over very quickly. Then we moved to Adelaide and I was working but I was in a very bad place and my poor BF was relieved when I decided to go and stay with the guy I had been seeing in Sydney who was now living in a mining town called Kalgoorlie. I went to see a GP in Adelaide for antidepressants. He was a wonderful guy and told me that going to live with my 'boyfriend' was going to be a big mistake. I knew this in my heart and soul but I felt so relieved when he'd asked me to come and stay with him.

I stopped crying and my BF was relieved to be free of this crying mess and I got on a bus and headed to my boyfriends place where we stayed for 3 months before he decided he was going to head to Europe. Alone. I was devastated. I hung on for dear life. I followed him round like a lost child and the thought of going it alone was terrifying. I know very co-dependent. I didn't know how to deal with these feelings. They tore me up inside.

We did go our separate ways whilst I went and travelled a bit more of the coast of Australia. But I struggled and muddled along. But I managed as I had seeing my boyfriend again to look forward to. We saw each other again in Ayers Rock and spent a great time travelling a bit but he soon left again and I somehow had to pick myself up and carry on.

I eventually went back home and arranged to meet my boyfriend back at my dads house. I joined him, his sister and her best friend on a journey in a camper van round Scotland. I knew it was the wrong thing to do but I did it anyway. It was clear we weren't getting on then but we ended up in Ireland to see a guy we had been friends with and lived with in Sydney. Ireland turned out to be horrific for me.

I couldn't work as it was southern Ireland so went back to London to work for 18 days and got a terrible feeling whilst I was there. I could hardly get hold of my boyfriend and when I got back to Ireland things were very hard. Our mutual friend had picked up some photos and purposely gave them to me to look through and there was a photo of my boyfriend lip locked with our mutual friends cousin. It floored me. I was already very fragile but this was the moment of no return and I had no choice, after many arguments and drunken melt downs, I decided to leave so I headed, in a mess, back to my dads house.

I got a job again and tried to move on and my BF came back from travelling too so we shared a room in a shared house for a couple of months. I was just starting to get myself back to some semblance of normality when my ex turned up and threw the whole can of worms open again. No sooner had he turned up than he decided I wasn't what he wanted and left within a couple of days. I was once again thrown into turmoil.

I couldn't work, I couldn't stop crying. I went back to the doctor and got some anti depressants which gave me horrendous nightmares and made me feel awful so I knocked them on the head and decided to go to New Zealand. I planned it without anyone knowing. Almost like a suicide, I planned to leave without telling anyone and left notes for my dad and best friend but she knew something as wrong so I told her.

My plan was that if I was in New Zealand my ex, who was from there, would come rushing back to me as he would see how dedicated I was to him. He'd sent me a letter whilst I was in Nottingham and kind of declared his love to me. This was after he'd been to stay with me. It was a weird situation. I was convinced we were meant to be together.

Needless to say I was very down and it was very lonely place to be when you are not in a good place. You can travel all over the world and still feel lonely inside. I could not find peace at all. I was having terrible nightmares, felt dreadful and very lonely. I ended up going back to my dads again, in a lot of debt and feeling lost.

I threw myself into work and paid off my debts and felt better. There was pattern forming. Periods of feeling really down and unable to do much and crying a lot to then slowly getting back on track and elevating to going out all the time and working all hours and feeling brilliant. I didn't know it then but  I was having hypomania's. It would be years before I realised this was what was actually happening and broach the subject with mental health care team. I went on like this for years.

I felt, at this time, great. things were going really well and for the first time in my dating history, I had   several guys that were interested in me so there was no shortage of dates and fun. It's always when you are like this and content with yourself that you find someone you really like and want to be with.
I was 26 by this time so was thinking that this would be a good time to settle down.

My relationship with my husband to be flowed pretty well and we moved into my house that I rented out whilst I'd been travelling. We had only been seeing each other a few weeks when we decided to get married. He was smitten and I was bowled over. But upon moving into the house together things weren't quite as rosy as they had been or I thought they were.