I don't know anything about psychology so won't pretend to and this post is just based on personal experience and hearing other people go through kind of the same thing. I'm sure if any psychologists read this they can pigeon hole the characters into boxes but I'll leave that to the experts.
What I have noticed over the years being the kind of person I am it that I attract a certain kind of personality. I have mental health issues such as depression so sometimes I used to not happy be with myself and suffer loneliness so any kind of attention that came my way I would grab with both hands. I guess I was needy. The kind of person I am on about is just as needy but in a different kind of way. They need someone to bolster their ego. To boost their sense of elevated self. A bit narcissistic. The type of person I'm talking about like to have you around at their beck and call but rarely return the favour. They like you to compliment them and they judge you on your looks and the way you dress some or all of the time. They tell you what to do with your money and judge for spending it things they wouldn't. They have something to say about every aspect of your life and you always seem to come away from being with them in anger for something they said or did. The world revolves around them.
I am the kind of person that is vulnerable to this kind of person. I am an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, put myself out for others, or at least I used to. The above type of people could see me coming a mile off. I was a star shining in the black night of their universe. They would throw out a line and I would be hooked. They'd play to my insecurities at first, plenty of communications, how am I doing? Wanting to spend time with me. I was flattered and felt honoured I guess. How could someone like me have attracted this attention off someone like them? They are usually confident and sometimes arrogant. They are knowledgeable and appear nice. But they have a sting like a scorpion.
Once they have you in their grasp, they will start asking favours off you, this will turn into expecting favours and when you don't act the way they want you to they start bad mouthing you to people. Yet you have done nothing wrong? Maybe you have been sick of them taking advantage of you are have been distancing yourself? They hate that. Where are you? Why haven't you answered my calls/texts?
Yet when they have something going on in their lives they disappear for a while until they need something. If it's their birthday, they want a fuss. If they plan to have you over for a meal they make a massive deal out of it. If it's not reciprocated in the same way then you haven't made the effort for them and you are a bad person. Do you find you dread their visits? I know I did but I was too polite, weak or stupid to say 'no thanks'.
Luckily one of those types of people in my life left it of their own choice, I was upset as it was a relative but really it was a blessing in disguise. The other person, I distanced myself from but boy did I get it with both barrels when I annoyed her. It all came tumbling out what a terrible low rate citizen I was. I was a terrible mother, nurse, person and I would never amount to anything. I would always be ill because I liked being ill. I didn't want to get better according to her. I was selfish and would always be in debt as I was frivolous and stupid.My daughter was better off with her dad and I would probably lose her altogether because of the type or person I was. I was a psycho because I had mental health problems and saw a psychiatrist.
It was a blow then, I admit. I was ill and didn't seem to be getting better. I wasn't a brilliant mum and my daughter did go and live with her father eventually because of illness and shift work and I had never climbed the ladder in my career. A lot of it was true. But what kind of person takes all your flaws and hangs them out to dry for you? Not a good one. I know my flaws, I didn't need the everyone picking the scabs off them. Stupid thing was I defended this person over and over again as she stormed through life upsetting people. Yet when I told her this she said 'I didn't ask you to' I thought thats what friends did but you know what? She was right.
I have learned a heck of a lot in the last year and even though this happened years ago, still let it haunt me. Her words racing around my head punishing me. Then not so long ago I worked on it in a session with my acupuncturist. And she was gone. At last and I wish her well. But there is one thing for sure, I will not be taken in by that kind of person again. Even if I am I will cut them loose as soon as they start trying to walk all over me.
Lessons learned from being with these people.
1. Do things for people that make you feel good, not things you will begrudge. If you don't want to do it say no, there's no need to explain.
2. Be true to yourself. Do not behave a certain way to please someone else. E.g if you like doing something and they belittle it, you stop doing it. Don't. It's only their opinion. Or if they like something they expect you to get interested in it too. Don't just go along with it just to please them.
3. Do not befriend anyone who seems to take an unhealthy interest in your life and wants to be your new best friend and with you 24/7. It's not for your gain. They aren't doing it because you a super person, they are doing it for purely selfish reasons.
4. If people offer you something to help you out, they should not expect anything in return, If you have that friend or relative who says 'after all the things I've done for you' then remind them, they offered to help. I used to be like this until I learned to give wholeheartedly. I give because I want to, not expect anything in return. They give to get something in return. I also used to do things under duress and then complain about it so now I don't so it at all.
5. If any relationship is one sided, either on your part or theirs, then it's probably not going to work. She was over enthusiastic with texts and calls and I did't want to reciprocate. That's a sure sign the relationship isn't a good one.
6. If you are ill and ask them for help, they will not be there for you. They pretend they are but it's not wholehearted. When the shoe is on the other foot they expect you in attendance 24/7. If you aren't you get the riot act read at you. They may also force help onto you. Do not accept it. They will only through it back at you later.
7. Be very careful what you tell this kind of person. They will use it against you at some point.
8. Keep these people at a distance. Difficult if you are related to them but take the relationship at face value and try not to invest much energy into it.
9. The comments and 'advice' given by these types of people are said because they have short comings in their word, not yours. Try not to take it personally.
10. If the relationship is causing too much distress for you. If it has become toxic then get out. Not matter what the pain. Cut them lose to go and upset someone else or themselves. You do not deserve that crap!
11. Stay away from these people in the first place. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not put you down. Life is too short.
12. If someone has an opinion on your life and they have not lived through or with the things you have then they have no right to comment on your life. I am guilty of doing this in the past but not anymore. As Brene Brown says, 'unless you have fought in the arena, their opinion does not matter'.
Be brave. Be kind to you.
What I have noticed over the years being the kind of person I am it that I attract a certain kind of personality. I have mental health issues such as depression so sometimes I used to not happy be with myself and suffer loneliness so any kind of attention that came my way I would grab with both hands. I guess I was needy. The kind of person I am on about is just as needy but in a different kind of way. They need someone to bolster their ego. To boost their sense of elevated self. A bit narcissistic. The type of person I'm talking about like to have you around at their beck and call but rarely return the favour. They like you to compliment them and they judge you on your looks and the way you dress some or all of the time. They tell you what to do with your money and judge for spending it things they wouldn't. They have something to say about every aspect of your life and you always seem to come away from being with them in anger for something they said or did. The world revolves around them.
I am the kind of person that is vulnerable to this kind of person. I am an open book, wear my heart on my sleeve, put myself out for others, or at least I used to. The above type of people could see me coming a mile off. I was a star shining in the black night of their universe. They would throw out a line and I would be hooked. They'd play to my insecurities at first, plenty of communications, how am I doing? Wanting to spend time with me. I was flattered and felt honoured I guess. How could someone like me have attracted this attention off someone like them? They are usually confident and sometimes arrogant. They are knowledgeable and appear nice. But they have a sting like a scorpion.
Once they have you in their grasp, they will start asking favours off you, this will turn into expecting favours and when you don't act the way they want you to they start bad mouthing you to people. Yet you have done nothing wrong? Maybe you have been sick of them taking advantage of you are have been distancing yourself? They hate that. Where are you? Why haven't you answered my calls/texts?
Yet when they have something going on in their lives they disappear for a while until they need something. If it's their birthday, they want a fuss. If they plan to have you over for a meal they make a massive deal out of it. If it's not reciprocated in the same way then you haven't made the effort for them and you are a bad person. Do you find you dread their visits? I know I did but I was too polite, weak or stupid to say 'no thanks'.
Luckily one of those types of people in my life left it of their own choice, I was upset as it was a relative but really it was a blessing in disguise. The other person, I distanced myself from but boy did I get it with both barrels when I annoyed her. It all came tumbling out what a terrible low rate citizen I was. I was a terrible mother, nurse, person and I would never amount to anything. I would always be ill because I liked being ill. I didn't want to get better according to her. I was selfish and would always be in debt as I was frivolous and stupid.My daughter was better off with her dad and I would probably lose her altogether because of the type or person I was. I was a psycho because I had mental health problems and saw a psychiatrist.
It was a blow then, I admit. I was ill and didn't seem to be getting better. I wasn't a brilliant mum and my daughter did go and live with her father eventually because of illness and shift work and I had never climbed the ladder in my career. A lot of it was true. But what kind of person takes all your flaws and hangs them out to dry for you? Not a good one. I know my flaws, I didn't need the everyone picking the scabs off them. Stupid thing was I defended this person over and over again as she stormed through life upsetting people. Yet when I told her this she said 'I didn't ask you to' I thought thats what friends did but you know what? She was right.
I have learned a heck of a lot in the last year and even though this happened years ago, still let it haunt me. Her words racing around my head punishing me. Then not so long ago I worked on it in a session with my acupuncturist. And she was gone. At last and I wish her well. But there is one thing for sure, I will not be taken in by that kind of person again. Even if I am I will cut them loose as soon as they start trying to walk all over me.
Lessons learned from being with these people.
1. Do things for people that make you feel good, not things you will begrudge. If you don't want to do it say no, there's no need to explain.
2. Be true to yourself. Do not behave a certain way to please someone else. E.g if you like doing something and they belittle it, you stop doing it. Don't. It's only their opinion. Or if they like something they expect you to get interested in it too. Don't just go along with it just to please them.
3. Do not befriend anyone who seems to take an unhealthy interest in your life and wants to be your new best friend and with you 24/7. It's not for your gain. They aren't doing it because you a super person, they are doing it for purely selfish reasons.
4. If people offer you something to help you out, they should not expect anything in return, If you have that friend or relative who says 'after all the things I've done for you' then remind them, they offered to help. I used to be like this until I learned to give wholeheartedly. I give because I want to, not expect anything in return. They give to get something in return. I also used to do things under duress and then complain about it so now I don't so it at all.
5. If any relationship is one sided, either on your part or theirs, then it's probably not going to work. She was over enthusiastic with texts and calls and I did't want to reciprocate. That's a sure sign the relationship isn't a good one.
6. If you are ill and ask them for help, they will not be there for you. They pretend they are but it's not wholehearted. When the shoe is on the other foot they expect you in attendance 24/7. If you aren't you get the riot act read at you. They may also force help onto you. Do not accept it. They will only through it back at you later.
7. Be very careful what you tell this kind of person. They will use it against you at some point.
8. Keep these people at a distance. Difficult if you are related to them but take the relationship at face value and try not to invest much energy into it.
9. The comments and 'advice' given by these types of people are said because they have short comings in their word, not yours. Try not to take it personally.
10. If the relationship is causing too much distress for you. If it has become toxic then get out. Not matter what the pain. Cut them lose to go and upset someone else or themselves. You do not deserve that crap!
11. Stay away from these people in the first place. Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not put you down. Life is too short.
12. If someone has an opinion on your life and they have not lived through or with the things you have then they have no right to comment on your life. I am guilty of doing this in the past but not anymore. As Brene Brown says, 'unless you have fought in the arena, their opinion does not matter'.
Be brave. Be kind to you.
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