Embarking on an affair with a married man is one the stupidest things I ever did and I had no dignity for myself or respect for anyone involved. It nearly destroyed me several times.
I moved out of the marital home and into a rented house nearby. I strongly believe in feathers as a sign from people who have passed. I say it's my mum when I see a feather. The morning I rushed back from the school run to get paperwork to go and get a house rented out I saw feathers everywhere.
But I told myself because the house I was getting was in the next street to the marital home (so our I wouldn't have to move our daughter away from her friends) and I could afford it that it was meant to be.
I also thought having this house would mean that my married man would come to me. Just like going to New Zealand, it didn't work. I could write a whole book about the things that happened but I won't bore you with the details other than he acted like a married man. He was text book. Getting a second phone so he could text me, using business trips as a way of us going away for the night, pretending to go to work but seeing me all day. We would be skyping virtually all day when we couldn't see each other.
I should have known, indeed I did know that it wasn't going to work by the fact that I'd gone on a trip abroad with a friend when we first got together and whilst I was away he told me he couldn't do it. I rang him and he cried but after a day started to text again and this was to be the pattern for many months to come.
On 3 occasions, he 'moved' in. Well, the first one he rang to say he was leaving his wife and could he live with me. I was shocked but allowed it. That night he seemed ok but the next day was acting a bit weird before he went to work. He texted me not long after he had left my house and said he needed to go and see his kids after work as they were upset. I said it was no problem and I'd see him later, then I went upstairs. The majority of the stuff he'd brought with him the night beforehand gone. He had left.
I was furious. But I let him do this to me over and over again. Each time getting weaker and weaker in one way and stronger in another.
I had started to work more hours working three nights a week and my husband would only have our daughter on the nights I worked. She had taken to getting up when I'd gone to bed and I'd find her watching TV all hours of the night plus she wouldn't go to bed for me and every night was stressful trying to get her to bed and to sleep. I was so tired from working all the time and barely getting any sleep. My husband was meanwhile doing all the things I wanted to do like going out, going to the cinema or having a meal. He seemed a changed man but he wouldn't leave me alone. If I didn't text him he sulked, if I did he would persuade me to see him once our daughter had gone to bed and do all the things he never did whilst we were together like cook a meal for us both and watch a movie together and even share a bottle of wine.
Wine had become a very good friend of mine at this time and I had started drinking a lot. It quelled the pain of hurt, loneliness, anger and bitterness. It also stopped the tears. I cried a hell of a lot during that time. I didn't know any other way of dealing with it. I didn't know half of what I know now of dealing with life than I do now. Maybe I wasn't in the right place to do it back then?
Whilst on a break from MM (married man) I started seeing someone else who liked to drink also. It was a dangerous mixture. I had told him about MM and he was understanding and even shared the texts with him MM would send me whilst we were together. I'd told MM to leave me alone as I was seeing someone else but he wouldn't leave me be and although I had ignored him for a short time when things went wrong with the guy I was back in touch and seeing MM again.
I would miss out on sleeping after my shifts in order to see MM and it was taking it's toll. I was getting very little sleep and was very stressed out. The thrill and excitement had gone but I was stuck with being dependant on this guy. It all came to a head when I'd not slept properly for days and he lied to me again about coming to be with me. It was all a bit too much and I took an overdose. I didn't really want to die, just sleep but stupidly I had done it whilst my daughter was with me. I don't know what I was thinking. The case was referred to social services and after I'd been discharged form hospital it was decided that I would move back into the marital home so that our daughter was safe and social services would be happy that I wasn't on my own with her. Little did I know that my husband would use this against me at a later date.
I couldn't stay away from MM despite what I had been through and after a while back at home, in separate rooms, I saw him again or was at least in touch with him. Despite trying to give my marriage a go, my heart wasn't in it and I missed MM so much. My husband found out and I got kicked out again and went back to my rental place briefly. But after a short time I was back at the marital home. I can't exactly remember the sequence of events. It's all very fussy and confusing.
My husband and I started to live sort of separate lives. So I did see MM now and again. He had moved out and sold his marital home and was living alone in a place I could have only ever dreamed of living. I thought perhaps this was it and we would finally be together but something wasn't right. He was acting very strangely. He wasn't keen on me staying overnight. If I did he would have me out the house by the crack of dawn claiming he had meetings to go to. I never stood up to him or asked to be left in bed and I would let myself out later. When I was getting ready to leave he would scan the house and make sure I'd left nothing behind. He claimed was so his children didn't see anything so I bought it.
Something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. One night he said he was staying in and watching a movie. He hardly texted me that night and I knew he was lying so I drove to his house and his car wasn't there. Later that night when he started texting again I challenged him and he denied everything. He was good at doing that. He had done it a lot in the past and his wife had even confirmed some of my beliefs on a few things. I went round and he wouldn't open the door but when I started shouting he did as it was a small village and he had an appearance to keep up.
I threw the presents he had given me for christmas back at him and a necklace he had given me the christmas before and said good riddance. I badgered and badgered him on text after to tell me the truth about what had been going on and he still denied anything had. But eventually after banding insults backwards and forwards he admitted he'd been seeing a girl his sister worked with who lived int the village. That explained everything.
He still denied how long he'd been seeing her as he said it was only once but it had been weeks. I also found out that the liaison he'd had with a girl from the office before we had gotten together was more than a kiss in the carpark. I'm not saying I was in the wrong but jut that this was the type of person I really didn't need ever in my life.
I had the ability to attract the vultures of the vulnerable easily. One of my ex friends was one. I hadn't really wanted to be friends with her but she wouldn't leave me alone. I took it as flattery rather than what it was. A following for her. I kept the relationship up for years but when I had finished the relationship with MM and started to look at other avenues to occupy myself she slated everything I did. Apparently she had been having a go about me for a long time behind my back but it didn't come to light until I accidentally offended her on text then the proverbial hit the fan.
Ironically she did me a favour as she had reported me to social services for drinking too heavily and sleeping whilst our daughter was in the house so I stopped drinking and went to work weekends instead. I had taken on a challenge to keep my mind off MM so that gave me chance int he week to fundraise for it whilst my daughter was at school.
My husband and I seemed to carry on after all the stuff with MM but I still struggled to be his wife. Sex was always begrudged and I never had any libido. We still had separate rooms because I found it annoying if I was fast asleep then he'd wake me up on coming to bed and then I wouldn't get back to sleep. I found a new lease of life in cycling though and training for a big bike ride in Africa. So things just bumbled along and I forgot about everyday life and just focused on fundraising and bike riding.
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