My husband eventually moved out as I had pets so renting would be tricky and also I had moved in and out that many times I couldn't face doing it again. Our daughter used to have lot of friends round in the holidays and my husband wouldn't allow them in the house so it was better I was there. I promised not to stitch him over the money that could be left over should we sell the house.
In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.
I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.
I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.
The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.
My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.
It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.
I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.
I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.
The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.
My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.
I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.
Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.
But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.
In hindsite I should have been the one to move out but a child being with the mother is the normal thing to do. Again if I wasn't at work I was with my daughter. I rarely got a night off and I was craving some excitement. My ex was again, going out and about and doing the things I had craved for us to do whilst we were together but to be honest I didn't really want to do these things with him. But I was still jealous he was doing things and had found someone else and I couldn't get out the house or find another man.
I had no time to date so joined a casual dating site, if you call it that. In fact bluntly it was a casual sex site. I proved quite popular on it and enjoyed the attention. I had a few encounters and was enjoying it to some extent thinking that was what I wanted but really it was soul destroying when I look back. But it made me what am today I guess. It made me realise what I was no longer prepared to accept and therefore led me to meeting my current partner who is everything I'd ever wanted in a guy.
I was behaving erractically and my ex's relationship with his gf was strengthening. I thought about letting my daughter go to live with him and his gf. They were concerned about my moods and behaviour although my ex still wasn't letting me go easily. Although he was virtually living with his gf he kept coming round to the marital home and cleaning up! I would find chocolate on the side next to a cup with a tea bag in and a note saying welcome home. And after we stupidly got 'together' a few times and his gf found out things became more serious. We were falling out about when we each had our daughter. We were doing 3 days one week and 4 the next but his gf wanted every other weekend off and more continuity so we went to court. I was at a really low point having had a couple of crap relationships, one of which threatened to kill me. I was struggling to cope again.
The judge agreed we should still have 50/50 residency but my ex's solicitors was savvy and the law isn't on the side of parents that work shifts. I was working long days by then so my ex wouldn't let me have our daughter if I couldn't have her overnight. Cafcass will also agree this isn't always favourable as it doesn't promote consistency. The order states what time you pick put he child and what time you drop them off and what days, there is no room for leniency. Therefore I wouldn't be able to have her before a shift the next day and on the night of the shift it was too late to get her so I had to say I could only have her every Wednesday and every other weekend. Or I'd be really restricted what days I could work. I was going to have to work extra shifts also now being on my own. I also wasn't sure what my employer would agree to me working. I couldn't over commit because of working hours but I realised afterwards that this meant only seeing her 4 nights a fortnight.
My ex had informally agreed that I could have our daughter outside the agreed order days whilst we were in court but this never came to fruition as to be honest I messed him about and it wasn't good for her. We fought over loads of things and his gf had a tight reign on things. I felt a failure letting her go and live with him although I found her hard work and he could make her behave much better. The only time I'd been away from her for any length of time was when I went to Kenya. Before I went I struggled so much with anxiety and guilt of leaving her but whilst I was away she behaved impeccably for him. As soon as I got back she acted up again.
It was the best thing for her to go and live with them as they worked normal hours. They had energy and a wider circle of friends and relatives that I didn't have anymore. But I struggled so much with it and became very depressed. The whole thing of going to court and then the lack of control over everything and all the mistakes I had made really hit me hard and I felt a complete failure. There was no let up from the soul bashing my head was giving me.
I did 2 nights on the trot and hardly slept in 3 days and felt dreadful so after little to no sleep and feeling the worst I'd felt in a long time, I decided taking a slow killing overdose was the way to go. I could say goodbye to everyone that way. I went downstairs, made some tea and took a shed load of paracetamols. Instantly I felt calm. I had been having terrible panic attacks and they just disappeared.
I went back to bed and slept but when I woke up I panicked big time. I was terrified.
I rang my ex in a state and asked him to pick our daughter up from school that evening. I was having trouble speaking and he tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. All I could manage to say through the tears was 'I want to die'. I asked him if he could take me to the hospital and he wanted to come round anyway to get our daughters birth certificate to be able to claim child benefit. He looked for that whilst I sat waiting for him to take me to hospital. I was crying uncontrollably in the car all the way there and he asked me 'what has brought all this on?' I didn't answer him. He just dropped me off at the doors to the emergency room and left.
The nurse who booked me in was perfunctory but not unsympathetic. I was so embarrassed and felt so very alone. I felt a failure as a mother and a human being. I was at rock bottom. I remember a young doctor asking me why I had done it and I said that I'd let my daughter go and live with her dad but also that I found having her difficult to cope this. It sounds contradictory but it was struggling with a lot of things. She didn't seem to care and I felt so stupid.
My levels of paracetamol were really high so had to undergo a treatment to protect my liver which lasted a couple of days. It was horrendous and the paracetamol made me throw up a lot. I had the worst headache I ever had and hadn't got my normal pills with me so didn't get any sleep for 2 nights. Luckily the 3rd night I slept. I told a couple of friends who knew what I'd been going through and they came to see me in hospital. I was so relieved to see them.
I felt like I'd been crying for months and it wasn't going to stop. I cried a lot whilst I was in hospital too. I saw a member of the self harm team and she was very understanding and lovely. At the end of the day it was only I who could make things any better but still back then I thought it was down to other people to help me and the pills. I believed my ex, his gf and everyone else who had 'wronged' me were to blame for my downfall. I know better now.
Somehow the overdose reset my emotional centre. I no longer felt anxious or miserable. I was neither happy nor sad to be alive. I just went home and got on with things. I also decided to not have anymore ridiculous casual encounters. I had an idea in my head what I wanted from a guy and I wasn't going to settle for anything less than I deserved.
But I still didn't have it in my head that the only person I was hurting with it all was myself. There was still a few more bitter pills to swallow to come.
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