We all know that we should have manners. We bring our children up to have manners, to say please, thank you and be courteous. I am as guilty as many mothers saying to our children 'where are your manners?' or ' a thank you would be nice'. If you hold a door open or move out of the way for someone most of the time we would expect a thank you right?If a person doesn't say thank you when you do something, how do we feel? Annoyed? Angry? It's an injustice?
I remember doing things for people and saying it was ok that I was doing it but if I didn't get a thank you or something in return I would begrudge it, bemoan it, bemoan them. I could see a way I could be helpful or asked to help and I would help but when I had done the deed and I didn't get a thank you or reward, say monetary if I'd used petrol or bought something and they didn't pay me back, I would get angry about it and feel used, especially when the shoe was on the other foot and I needed help and they either refused or ignored my pleas or worse took over the situation.
What good did that anger do me? Nothing. It didn't change anything, it made me ill, it drove me mad, it made me resent people. And up until recently I was still using the phrase 'after all I've done for them'. Now I see the error of my ways.
Firstly, I was expecting something in return for doing something. I don't know where this idea came from. I don't know if I was bought up with it? Yes, I was bought up with manners but where did I get the idea I had to expect something in return for good deeds? Is it the 'get what you give' principle? I think it probably is. I expected because I had given out my time and money etc that I should expect the same kind of consideration back. Right? Wrong.
I have learned that doing a deed for someone should be done with love and wholeheartedness. I should give what I can, when I can and do it because I want to, because I can do it and because I don't want anything in return. I mean anything as in nothing. I don't expect acknowledgement or thanks. Why? Because I have done this thing with love and wholeheartedness that I will get the gratitude from the act knowing it has helped someone. That is my thanks, that is my gratitude.
If you do something for someone and want something for it such as acknowledgment then you are expecting something in return. If you expect something in return and do not get it, you will lead to disappointment and begrudging the act and/or the person.
The easiest thing to do is not expect anything. Not one single thing. Not even a thank you. Knowing you have done the act out of sheer love of doing the task or that it will make someones life easier is enough for me. The thank you is the cherry on the cake but without the cherry, the cake is just as nice isn't it?
For want of a better example, I use the harassed mother example. A lady is coming towards the shop you are in. She has a pushchair and a toddler with her that doesn't look too happy. You stand and open the door for her and she bustles in past you without any acknowledgement at all. Not even a simple thank you, so how does that make you feel? It could make you feel anything from a bit annoyed to really angry, depending on how you are feeling at the time and your mood at the time.
Imagine it makes you feel really angry. How dare she ignore you. How dare she not say thank you. Then you start thinking about all the people who have you aggrieved you and the lack of thanks you have gotten over a few things you have done for people. Ok this is an extreme reaction but I know I have sometimes felt like that. It sometimes only takes one thing to spark an avalanche of negative feelings.
So lets look back at harassed Mum. She is obviously having a bad time when you come across her. She is probably tired and having to back things in between feeding her baby. Things can be magnified when a person is tired, harassed and under stress. We could look at it another way. What a great coincidence you were there to open the door of her. You made a moment in her life so much easier as she didn't have to wrestle with the door. I would then say to myself 'well done you for being in the right place at the right time and thank you for being a nice person.'
Even if the person coming through the door isn't harassed and just blanks you, for example a man in a suit, you would expect him to be polite and say thank you. We make assumptions of people quite quickly. You probably would not even expect a thank you from a teenager whose trousers are hanging off their bum. However, do we know that the suited man isn't distracted and having personal problems or that he's really narcissistic that he believes everyone should open the door for him and he should never open door for anyone. We have no way of knowing. The point is we can control how we feel about not receiving the thank you.
It doesn't matter whether the person you are opening the door for is an harassed mother, a suited guy or a teenager with saggy jeans. The fact of the matter is we are brought up to accept manner sin return for noble deeds. When we don't get them we tend to be peeved but we don't need to be peeved. We can take comfort that we did deeds with wholeheartedness and love.
Over the course of my life I have done favours for people, spent money on them, helped them out etc yet expected something in return from whatever source; monetary, thanks, presents, praise....but I have learned that I choose who I do things for and what the task is and if I do it for someone I do it wholeheartedly, with love and expect zero back. I no longer bend over backwards for people, put myself out or change plans unless I want to or do things I don't want to do. It got me nowhere in the past.
We have had it instilled in us to be polite and have manners but just because we don't say thank you or reciprocate someones actions does not mean we are ungrateful. Perhaps the person who didn't say thank you is preoccupied or think they are a bit above themselves or you. The mere act of doing what is necessary to make something better for someone else is enough of a thank you. We can thank ourselves for being thoughtful and generous and in the right place at the right with the ability to do the act. How wonderful is that? We were there at the right time, the right place and we had the ability to help. Thank goodness you were there. The universe will thank you for your generosity too. It does;t have to be the person you did the deed for.
For example, if you donate some money, do it with sheer joy. Say to yourself 'I am grateful I have this money, I am fortunate enough that I can afford to give it away and I give it to you wholeheartedly with love and hope it will help you get where you need to be'. Don't expect a thank you in return, just know that you helped someone because you were able to is the universe thanking you for being a good person. If the person or charity send you a thank you then that is the cherry on the cake. A nice addition to an already bloody lovely slice of cake.
I remember doing things for people and saying it was ok that I was doing it but if I didn't get a thank you or something in return I would begrudge it, bemoan it, bemoan them. I could see a way I could be helpful or asked to help and I would help but when I had done the deed and I didn't get a thank you or reward, say monetary if I'd used petrol or bought something and they didn't pay me back, I would get angry about it and feel used, especially when the shoe was on the other foot and I needed help and they either refused or ignored my pleas or worse took over the situation.
What good did that anger do me? Nothing. It didn't change anything, it made me ill, it drove me mad, it made me resent people. And up until recently I was still using the phrase 'after all I've done for them'. Now I see the error of my ways.
Firstly, I was expecting something in return for doing something. I don't know where this idea came from. I don't know if I was bought up with it? Yes, I was bought up with manners but where did I get the idea I had to expect something in return for good deeds? Is it the 'get what you give' principle? I think it probably is. I expected because I had given out my time and money etc that I should expect the same kind of consideration back. Right? Wrong.
I have learned that doing a deed for someone should be done with love and wholeheartedness. I should give what I can, when I can and do it because I want to, because I can do it and because I don't want anything in return. I mean anything as in nothing. I don't expect acknowledgement or thanks. Why? Because I have done this thing with love and wholeheartedness that I will get the gratitude from the act knowing it has helped someone. That is my thanks, that is my gratitude.
If you do something for someone and want something for it such as acknowledgment then you are expecting something in return. If you expect something in return and do not get it, you will lead to disappointment and begrudging the act and/or the person.
The easiest thing to do is not expect anything. Not one single thing. Not even a thank you. Knowing you have done the act out of sheer love of doing the task or that it will make someones life easier is enough for me. The thank you is the cherry on the cake but without the cherry, the cake is just as nice isn't it?
For want of a better example, I use the harassed mother example. A lady is coming towards the shop you are in. She has a pushchair and a toddler with her that doesn't look too happy. You stand and open the door for her and she bustles in past you without any acknowledgement at all. Not even a simple thank you, so how does that make you feel? It could make you feel anything from a bit annoyed to really angry, depending on how you are feeling at the time and your mood at the time.
Imagine it makes you feel really angry. How dare she ignore you. How dare she not say thank you. Then you start thinking about all the people who have you aggrieved you and the lack of thanks you have gotten over a few things you have done for people. Ok this is an extreme reaction but I know I have sometimes felt like that. It sometimes only takes one thing to spark an avalanche of negative feelings.
So lets look back at harassed Mum. She is obviously having a bad time when you come across her. She is probably tired and having to back things in between feeding her baby. Things can be magnified when a person is tired, harassed and under stress. We could look at it another way. What a great coincidence you were there to open the door of her. You made a moment in her life so much easier as she didn't have to wrestle with the door. I would then say to myself 'well done you for being in the right place at the right time and thank you for being a nice person.'
Even if the person coming through the door isn't harassed and just blanks you, for example a man in a suit, you would expect him to be polite and say thank you. We make assumptions of people quite quickly. You probably would not even expect a thank you from a teenager whose trousers are hanging off their bum. However, do we know that the suited man isn't distracted and having personal problems or that he's really narcissistic that he believes everyone should open the door for him and he should never open door for anyone. We have no way of knowing. The point is we can control how we feel about not receiving the thank you.
It doesn't matter whether the person you are opening the door for is an harassed mother, a suited guy or a teenager with saggy jeans. The fact of the matter is we are brought up to accept manner sin return for noble deeds. When we don't get them we tend to be peeved but we don't need to be peeved. We can take comfort that we did deeds with wholeheartedness and love.
Over the course of my life I have done favours for people, spent money on them, helped them out etc yet expected something in return from whatever source; monetary, thanks, presents, praise....but I have learned that I choose who I do things for and what the task is and if I do it for someone I do it wholeheartedly, with love and expect zero back. I no longer bend over backwards for people, put myself out or change plans unless I want to or do things I don't want to do. It got me nowhere in the past.
We have had it instilled in us to be polite and have manners but just because we don't say thank you or reciprocate someones actions does not mean we are ungrateful. Perhaps the person who didn't say thank you is preoccupied or think they are a bit above themselves or you. The mere act of doing what is necessary to make something better for someone else is enough of a thank you. We can thank ourselves for being thoughtful and generous and in the right place at the right with the ability to do the act. How wonderful is that? We were there at the right time, the right place and we had the ability to help. Thank goodness you were there. The universe will thank you for your generosity too. It does;t have to be the person you did the deed for.
For example, if you donate some money, do it with sheer joy. Say to yourself 'I am grateful I have this money, I am fortunate enough that I can afford to give it away and I give it to you wholeheartedly with love and hope it will help you get where you need to be'. Don't expect a thank you in return, just know that you helped someone because you were able to is the universe thanking you for being a good person. If the person or charity send you a thank you then that is the cherry on the cake. A nice addition to an already bloody lovely slice of cake.
No comments:
Post a Comment