I've always had the attitude with money that something will always come along to help me out when I need it and it worked. Little did I know that if I applied that thinking to the rest of my life, things might have worked much better. I think it has gotten me to where I need to be and I had to go through things to get here but maybe it wouldn't have been such a rocky journey?
But I didn't apply this thinking until
I'd had it completely with men in my life not being what I wanted. I expected them to just be what I wanted but I didn't believe I deserved it. Until I'd gone through a seperation, an affair and a few failed attempts at a relationship, including a stalker, I decided enough was enough and I had a subconscious list in my head
of what I would NOT accept anymore.
I didn't want the characteristics my ex had, which consisted of not doing any housework and paying little interest in me or our daughter.
People who know me know how unhelpful my ex was and how little he was interested in our child. We battled a lot over parenting and I was very lasse fairs, which made a rod for my own back and he was very strict.
Our daughter was virtually with me 24/7 and always wanted mummy so it was quite tiring and I had elderly grandparents and their garden to look after so I was pretty tired most of the time. He didn't seem to care. I became quite ill a couple of times with depression/ chronic fatigue and he did nothing round the house to help and I had to suggest he take our daughter to the park instead of the DIY store on a weekend when I started back to work.
He was doing our house up for years so he did have a job on his hands, of which I'm very grateful, but we were never a team. Now I get 'we're a team' shoved down my throat by him and his gf all the time!
The affair was born out of unhappiness with my ex and looking for my prince. I thought he was my knight. Yes, a cliche but I've always wanted a knight.
I've always wanted to be looked after. Maybe that stems from my childhood, although my granny looked after me well, I felt my mum didn't really care when I was distressed or ill. I could give you examples but you'll just have to take my word for it. I don't want to speak ill of her or get into discussion about it just now. Maybe another time. I've just had this strong sense of wanting to be looked after.
The affair wasn't meant to be an affair but that's what it was. It reeked havoc on many lives but I don't regret it in a lot of ways. Selfishly, it has got me where I need to be and even my ex has done well by it even if it was traumatic, maybe even the man and his wife involved in the affair, have gained something from the awful experience? Who knows.
I'm was very much one for jumping in with both feet. When I met my ex he was besotted with me and I'd never had that so I dived in and we soon got married. I knew I'd made a massive mistake but I just ignored the fact and got on with it and was ill for at least a few weeks, most years, sometimes months at a time and very unhappy.
Even though he'd agreed before we'd gotten married that we would have children, he didn't want a child but I persuaded him. Our daughter arrived and for a short time things were good. But cracks appeared again and after a while I just got fed up with nagging and I didn't love him. I went about things totally the wrong way as I was so fed up at this point and to be honest I thought if I found someone else to go to, my ex wouldn't be able to persuade me to stay. It didn't work like that at all.
It was very messy.
Anyway, I thought I would find in the affair what I didn't in the marriage. Yes, there was romance and love and it was a bit fairy tale at times but it was messy, dirty and sordid as well.
So it wasn't the fairy tale I imagined. I held onto it for dear life as he did leave his wife but not for me, it was the thing he thought he should do but he kept me at arms length and I knew something was wrong. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back. Served me right!!
That was the final straw for me, it took a lot of abuse but I thought we had a love worth fighting for. Turned out I couldn't see what everyone else could. I was blind. But I needed to get to that stage to be able to let go.
He made me realise just what I didn't want from a relationship too, just like my ex.
Still having low self worth and esteem and due to circumstances I dabbled in casual relationships with a thought that I might be able to persuade a man to have a proper relationship. A couple did but were disasters. Not what I wanted it all and I wouldn't put up with it.
But I attracted the wrong type of guy because I didn't specify enough and believe enough what I wanted and wouldn't put up with. I was still of the mind set that I could be easily led and gave some guys the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have. I've done this with female relationships too!
If someone paid me attention I gave them my time no matter what. And I was a pretty loyal too and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. To my own pain!!
It usually backfired and I was the one who ended up with egg on my face!
But did that happen because I didn't specify to myself what I wouldn't accept in life? I think so.
I remember my brother suggesting my ex and I about a car, as we were looking for a new one. We looked and looked for this specific car and given up looking then his step mums' mum was selling the exact same kind of car and specifications we were looking for!
Have you ever noticed if you get obsessed with something, for example, say a type of shoe or dress, you'll think about the object all the time eventually the right one will appear and it'll be perfect. But you have to let it go. Learn to forget about it but still have faith that object will come to you.
I eventually became comfortable with being by myself. And I had a list in my head what I wanted and I believed in my heart that I would accept nothing less.
A long came the hero of the hour. He tried to persuade me to start a relationship before I was ready but I refused until I was sure. We saw each other as friends for a while and our relationship blossomed without many complications.
At our time in our life, we both have baggage so it wasn't plain sailing but I swore to myself if he treated me badly I wouldn't stand for it. And despite hiccoughs of life we have a very deep and loving relationship. He has gotten what he wished for too. Most of his married life he has wanted someone like me. I was quite fortunate I didn't need to ask for long before he came along.
The whole point of this is that we get what we ask for. Be it money for a coffee with a friend or buy a new dress to big things like the house of your dreams.
It's not wrong to have dreams but you have to believe in your heart they will happen.
It's very difficult when someone is ill to believe anything good will happen. But through believing I deserved better I got what I wanted and through it I also managed to change my mindset. By being grateful for what I have, not what I don't.
I'm not sure I would be so positive if my new partner hadn't come along but I truly believe he would have come along anyway because that is what I wanted.
Maybe give it a try? But you have to believe it will happen.
It took me a few years to actually take it all on board and maybe if I hit a tragedy in my life I would think it was all a load of rubbish. I have experienced tragedy and would find it hard to find positive about things like my mum dying so I fully appreciate its not for everyone and being very vulnerable can mean if we wish for things the wrong thing in disguise of the thing we wished for might come along or we might not get it at all and be totally let down again but that also stems from our belief that we deserve bad things because we are bad people. Unlovable and only get the love of an unsuitable person, for example, as that's what we deserve but it's not true.
We need to realise the great person we are and we have to also have some self care and love of ourself before we can attract the right person in.
I never believed it until I experienced it. It can happen. I've been the most negative person for years. I'm living proof things can change with the power of attracting what we do want. Forget what you don't want, just concentrate on what you do want. Corny as it is, you are worth it.
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