24 hours in one day.

I can't believe only 24 hours has passed. Yesterday felt like days ago. I slept ok and woke feeling ok but guess my mood was low as I felt guilty about my sickness and wish I could just put it to one side and get on with my life. I'm sick of it rearing it's ugly head. I was reading another blog 'depression marathon' www.depressionmarathon.blogspot.com and Etta talks about borderline personality disorder. I looked it up and I can relate to it totally. I asked my husband if the traits sounded like me and he said yes to all them! Explains a lot although I would not want the diagnosis and it is a massive leap from depression to borderline personality disorder. What does that even mean? It's a bit of a 'non' name for an illness and a bit of a scary label but then that's because I have only met one person with that diagnosis and she had multiple problems and hung herself. Whilst depression is a mental illness stepping into the realms of what people would maybe class as 'severe mental illness' would worry me. It's hard enough getting people to understand being depressed let alone anything else. It feels like a massive uphill battle as it is without the prejudice and stigma of adding another label onto it.

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights) Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms I could an absolute yes to all of them except 'severe dissociative symptoms'. I do get paranoid though.

And I didn't think I did until my husband pointed it out. Well, I know I am but not as bad as he said I actually am. The chronic feelings of emptiness is me to a T. I could not believe it when I read that I thought it was just me! I have had that feeling for years.A lonely, empty pit in my stomach, which was much worse when my mum died and I take away the feeling by eating, Self harming, drinking, taking drugs, smoking or, as I did when I was younger, have a one night stand or even get into a relationship that was totally unsuitable for me just to be with someone.

I remember a few years ago, before my daughter was born, coming home drunk after a night out and my husband getting me upstairs to bed and all I kept saying was 'I want to go home' my husband said 'you are home' nut that's not what I meant. I wanted to be home in my heart. Being married didn't do it, having my daughter didn't do it, fundraising hasn't done it. The one and only thing that filled the void that I can remember is being with my lover but he was totally wrong for me and lied to me so many times and caused me a hell of a lot of anguish so why did he make me feel fulfilled? I have no idea. I thought he was the love of my life as we had history and we both felt the same way about each other but he couldn't deliver what I wanted and led me on a wild goose chase trying to get it. Telling me one thing and doing another. He completely screwed my heart,soul and mind up. Yet without him I felt empty again.

I do get into relationships quite quickly and 'fall in love' quickly and then am totally heartbroken when it ends and end up getting off my face or self harming. God knows why. I had my first session of hypnotherapy today and hopefully it will put some ghosts to rest. It bought a lot of things up and a couple of memories were pretty painful and I cried, which I didn't expect. I don't think there is anything buried there I don't know about. I'm sure there isn't. Who knows, maybe I'll find out. I hope so.