Black days.

I have been feeling this way for some time now, with very little respite from it. I can't really remember feeling, truly feeling I mean, not just pretending, to feel happy deep down inside.
I have a feeling I know why I' m feeling this way or maybe the thing that was keeping me from feeling so low has now gone away and it was a temporary distraction masking the underlying problems.

So what do it do about it? I have battled it and fought and am still fighting! I don't want the witch to win. How long do you go on fighting for though?
It's worse than PMT as it goes on forever and doesn't seem to stop. At least PMT seems to come to an end or you get a break from it. I am irritable and can't concentrate so when I am trying to focus on something and someone interrupts me I get really narked and sometimes snap and then I feel guilty and hate myself even more. This isn't about self pity, by the way. I don't want to feel sorry for myself, neither do I want this illness period but it's here and I can't shift it.

I want to sleep all the time and barely have the energy to get up. Even when I do I'd rather stay in my pyjamas and then I'm all ready to go back to bed when I feel like it. I push myself as much as I can as I want to do normal things but sometimes I jus have to admit defeat and sleep. And I hate it.

At least when I'm asleep I don't have to think. My brain never stops working, mulling things over, what if's, but's and maybes. Maybe if I lived somewhere else I would happy but I can't afford to move. What if I got another job but then couldn't cope with it as I've had jobs in the past where I've had to jack in, sometimes just walked away and other times had to hand my notice in. One job left me so down and worn out that I was completely spent and I didn't work for months after I left. My daughter was young, my job was stressful and my family needed me. It was all a bit too much.

I don't feel life is too much at the moment , in fact the complete opposite, it's rather boring. I have rather a lot of free time but spend it doing very little that actually drives me bonkers. I hate myself for it. I could do something constructive couldn't I? People would give anything to have the time I have free. I have a dog, so I walk her which gets me out the house at least. I ride my bike when the weather is ok but that in itself brings along issues. I'm not fast enough and I'm too overweight . Cycling makes me hungry so I give in to the hunger and eat more, then I feel guilty and hate myself so I try to disobey my hunger and get grumpy! I sound like a treasure don't I?

Sometimes it feels so hard to breath I wish I could get something to do it for me. It feels like such hard work. Everything seems like hard work. I somehow still manage to do certain things but feel no joy in anything I do. That's the worst thing about it all, feeling no joy. Feeling nothing. It's like a pit at bottom of my stomach, huge and empty and can never be filled. I keep hoping I when I go to sleep I will wake up and feel better but it just isn't happening yet.

I think about suicide a lot too. Yesterday was a particularly bad day and after shouting at my daughter for no reason I closed my eyes and imagined putting a gun in my mouth. She doesn't deserve a mother like me. I often think she would be better off without me but then later that night when I'm taking a bath she comes to me with great excitement and tells me about something she has seen on YouTube about monster high dolls and is so animated and happy about it that I smile and wonder how I could possibly leave her without a mother and let her experience all the pain I had when I lost my Mum. So I just have to endure these feelings until they go and learn the best way to deal with them, bite my tongue when I feel I'm going to snap and be a little kinder to myself and not beat myself up so much because wading though mud is really hard work.