Dealing with suicidal feelings. For the sufferer.

Depression is a selfish, all consuming illness. It knows no boundaries of gender, race, religion age or class. Suicidal feelings often come hand in hand with depressive episodes. Like an unwelcome scrounging visitor who doesn't know when they've outstayed their welcome.

The thought of death preoccupies your every waking moment. How you are going to act it out. And the relief you will feel when you finally stop breathing. The end to the emotional turmoil that is constantly gnawing at your heart and soul. It is endless. But the more it is courted, the more it engulfs the person. So how do we stop it in it's tracks?

If suicidal feelings have been evident for a while then putting them in their place is harder than if they just rear theirs ugly heads every now and then.

It feels like you have not felt anything other than suicidal. You can't remember a time when you didn't feel suicidal. It is the illness that is making you selfish, making your thoughts selfish. That is not being derogatory or judgemental but the truth.  It is only you that can feel the intensity of these feelings and describing them to others is difficult. It's hard to get someone else to feel or understand how you are feeling.

However, try and describe to your loved one what you are going through. Don't be ashamed of talking about it. It could often lighten the load. But make sure the loved one is ready to hear it. They may not be. If they aren't then you need to find someone who is, preferably a professional who is trained in counselling. Some professionals can be flippant or depreciatory about depression and suicidal feelings. Reach out but in the right places. Be careful who you tell your story too. Some people can be glory hunters, praying on the vulnerable to their own means. You won't be seeing things clearly so it's especially important to chose carefully who you tell you feelings to.

I have found when looking for help, I felt very alone. I reached out tentacles of hope to many agencies and got not a lot back in return. Social media definitely isn't the forum for it unless you're in closed group or on a platform designed for mental health support such as Minds Elefriends. A great place to offload your true feelings without, hopefully, fear of judgement or recrimination.

 The Samaritans can help you offload and ground you but again, you don't know who you are going to get at the other end of the 'phone and in my own experience it wasn't always helpful. Explaining my situation over and over was tiring and it's difficult to get a sense of reality when the person isn't face to face. But in a crisis, if there is no one else around, it's a good place to turn to. Even if it just gets you over that moment, it's not a fix all solution.

Needless to say, counselling can be just the same. Just because you are seeing a counsellor doesn't mean they are the right person to hear your story. As you are already vulnerable and ill, it's exhausting and overwhelming to have people tell you your sense of reality is skewed. A counsellor should listen and give you practical solutions to the problems you are faced with. You may find some of these solutions are useless or a waste of time so you need to take bits from the sessions you do find helpful and forget the rest, not dwell on not doing the practical exercises and beating yourself up even more that you haven't completed a task they have suggested.

Keeping a journal can be therapeutic and cathartic. It's a good place to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. A good place to store all the hurt and anger without the complication of involving anyone else. But bear in mind that stored words can also trigger future episodes.

Being creative is a good way of releasing pent up angst by transferring them into words, poetry, paintings or any kind of art. Writing the story of your feelings or putting into poetry can be painful but a good relief. And a great way to share your experiences with others should you choose to go down hat route.

Suicidal feelings rob us of the ability to feel anything other than atrocious. It can make us devoid of joy, happiness, calmness and peace. But we have to find it somewhere. Try and find a place where you 'feel' something. It can be anywhere, only you will know where it feels comfortable. Embrace any good feelings you may have, do not shun them as false or delusional. Invite them in and nurture them. Tell the bad feelings to be quiet whilst you entertain the good ones.

The use of drugs and alcohol in this situation, will of course not make things better. They might temporarily relieve the horrid feelings you are experiencing but in the cold light of day when hungover or coming down can make things feel a whole lot worse. You are incredibly vulnerable so be gentle and kind to yourself.

Practicing gratitude can be the last thing on your mind and seem futile. Being grateful for the smallest thing can sometimes break through the wall of pain needed to bring someone back from the brink. Write down a list, if you have the energy, of any little thing you are grateful for, or just go through them in your head. It can be anything. It can be that you have a roof over your head and you aren't out in the cold. It can be that you have been love around you even that if you have lost a loved you you had the opportunity to love them when they were alive. It may sound a pointless exercise but focusing on the good and not the bad stops the bad thoughts in their tracks. It takes practice and a huge amount of strength but it works and when bad feelings rear their ugly heads again, it's a great way to put the bad thoughts into perspective.

Alternative treatments such as acupuncture or reflexology can help tremendously. There are many treatments to try to help us climb out of the pit or depression. I found acupuncture to be life saving. It helped me a number of times get me over the worst of the darkest moments of my life. It may be expensive but what price is your life worth? It's priceless. If money is an issue then cut back on things that be forsaken in order to get you back to where you need to be. It may be a good idea to keep the treatment of activity up even when  you start to feel well again just to keep you well.
It may seem self indulgent but it's not. We are not very good at thinking we deserve things. But you are just as important as anyone else.
It doesn't have to be therapies, it can be a new hair cut or getting nails done. I realise men don't go out and get their hair done and not being a man I don't know what makes a guy feel better. It could be a diy project or a night with guy friends watching a match. My point is do whatever it is you think that will make you feel better without hurting yourself or anyone else.

The bad thoughts will pass, the suicidal feelings will pass. And you will get your life back on track again. Have a plan for when or if the feelings do come back so you can stop them in their tracks. Know that it will end even if it seems to be taking forever and taking your own life is not the answer.

The dark cloud will lift. Find a way to make it. Do not let the entity of suicidal feelings tell you that you are better off dead because like a corrupt politician all they are doing is feeding you lies.

Be brave. Take care of you.

Unsupportive partners.

I met and married my ex husband with a year.I did this for various reasons but I knew in my heart and soul I had made a mistake but decided to go with it as undoing it seemed so much harder.
We met in the July and by the November  we were living in my house, which I had rented out whilst travelling. Within days I realised this guy wasn’t going to be one for helping round the house. I did lots of washing in the first month as he didn’t have a machine in his flat and when we knew we were moving he stopped using the launderette. Fair enough. But then when we had a machine, he didn’t do any laundry either. I kept thinking  ‘he’ll start to help soon’ but he never really did.
Fast forward a few years when I was pregnant and I was suffering horrendous pre natal depression, because of work and lack of support in the home and long days I was exhausted. I was chronically fatigued but not diagnosed and was bitter about not getting my maternity pay so ended up in a downward spiral and became severely depressed. I was so tired I couldn’t even wash my own hair. My husband, rather than helping a little couldn’t handle it and retreated into a shell. I felt very alone but I also imagine I was very difficult to live with. It was a very hot summer and sometimes all I wanted to do was go swimming to cool off but he’d get home and do anything to avoid going with me. I was suffering from paranoia at the time so going alone was difficult plus I wanted someone with me to talk to whilst there. Not much to ask eh?
Depression has always been hanging around in my life for years and it rears it’s ugly head when I am so exhausted I can’t go on and have to be off sick. These cycles went on for years before I was married and whilst I was married.
But now I am in a very supportive partnership, and I mean partnership as we are a team, I no longer have those times of complete frustration and apathy. I have days when I’m more tired than others but my partner is brilliant and does everything for me.
I hear so many women saying how unsupportive their partners are and I was once one of those women. I can’t speak for men as I don’t really know that many men and those I do, except my partner, are the ones who aren’t supportive.
My friends complain about their men not doing anything in the house or helping out when needed or taking the kids off their hands so she can just take a quiet bath or something like that. I’ve seen women so tired and stressed raising a child and/or children and working that they have been really ill. Yes. we want to be independent but we can’t do it all by ourselves. Some women can. Good for them.
I used to be so tired I’d let my daughter get away with things, just for a quiet life. Surviving on 2-3 hours sleep a lot of the time as I worked nights and developed insomnia. Yes, he was there to do the school run and let me sleep in sometimes but only when it was convenient to him. He would sometimes, although not often, come home late, say by an hour and I would be desperate to sleep as I’d be awake for 30 odd hours and he’d just say ‘oh I went to get my hair cut’ or something. I loved being with my daughter but I can’t remember the times I went for a haircut or a smear without a toddler or child in tow.
Women carry so much guilt not being with their kids. Men ‘babysit’ their children. Men most don’t bat an eyelid. I know it’s a genetic thing but genetics don’t dictate our role in the house or as caregivers.
When he lost his job I didn’t get any help aside from him looking after our daughter before and after school. I was ill again and spent 3 months getting better and when I had the energy did the house work. After 3 months of neglect it took me a good couple of weeks to catch up. In the time I’d been laid up, he had hardly done any housework except for the basics. I’m no clean freak but I kept on top of things when I was well despite the tiredness. Once when I was bitching about him never cleaning the bathroom, he said ‘well it looks like you don’t even do it’ my reply was ‘it would look a whole lot worse if I didn’t bother at all’.
He never experienced the tiredness and fatigue I did but because he was working full time and I was part time then it was my duty to do everything else. My brother had the same mind-set when he lived with me and I worked nights, because I was home all day then I could do the chores. He didn’t lift a finger and often left a note (in the days before mobiles) saying when the washing was done, could I put another load of his on? Seriously?
Now my ex is in a relationship with someone who does work full time so he does housework as they are a ‘team’ but neither does he run his web site anymore or have his loft to go work in either. It used to get to me that he thought so little of me that he could be so helpful with another woman but I know we weren’t suited or meant to be and the anger I felt was pointless, I was only hurting myself.
It appears depression related to lack of support from partners in women is quite common. Whether it be with children, illness or housework, it’s common place and I hear it all the time.
I think we know why it happens. Men aren’t cut out for domestic chores, apparently! Some do it so we know it can be done by a man. Men are the hunter gatherers so bring in the wage? Not always, they may work full time but still might not be bread winners. So what stops them lifting a finger when they get home? Who the hell knows.
In an article in the Guardian today about  men doing chores in return for sex apparently. I tried it. It doesn’t work and why shouldn’t a guy mop the floor without expecting sex? Why should a woman have sex with a guy because he tidied up? I want to have sex when we both feel like it and are in the mood for it. At end of the day some guys just don’t think housework is their work. It’s women’s work, as is raising the children and yes you still have to work otherwise you won’t have any money for yourself!
I don’t agree with not standing for your partner not doing his fair share, although this lady gets a high five off me! I also do not agree that they should be given a list and asked to do things. They should know what needs doing and do it for the family, for you and for themselves. It drives me insane!
My partner just gets on with things and as we only live in a small place and he’s home a lot, he just does it rather than sitting with his laptop searching for stuff on ebay or disappearing for the weekend ‘with the lads’. But he always says he has a lot more energy than me and he doesn’t mind doing anything so just cracks on with it so maybe some guys just don’t have the energy but don’t like to admit it?
But even if we lived in a bigger place and he worked away a lot, he would still spend time cleaning and tidying or whatever. And because I appreciate this immensely I don’t resent him so I enjoy the time we have together much more and I also respect him because he respects me. It leads to a very contented life.
So what is the answer? Personally for me I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t have any respect for a guy who had so little respect for my daughter and I and pestering for sex, I deserved better. Plus, I didn’t love him so no brainer really but splitting a family apart hasn’t been without it’s problems.
I was scared to be alone and I had always struggled to keep my daughter in check and this was realised when I left. She got even worse with not going to bed or doing anything I asked. Her dad would only have her on the nights I worked so I hardly got a night to myself. I was either at work or had  my daughter. He was going to parties with the girls he was meeting or at the cinema seeing films I wanted to see. Plus I wondered how he could afford it all as he hardly earned much and as a result gave me hardly anything for child support. He was also keeping our martial home spotless and even ironing bedding! He hadn’t changed the sheets, let alone ironed them whilst we were together.
I managed for a year alone before I moved back in with him, into the spare room, I naively though he must be a changed man. My daughter wanted her mum and dad back together and I wanted a rest. Not the smartest idea because whilst we were apart and seeing each other he was the perfect gentleman, but it didn’t last when I moved back in. The housework stopped getting done by him and left to me but he did do the shopping for himself and our daughter, as I used to spend too much.
Needless to say it didn’t last and we separated.
I suppose the other solution is learning to live with it. That’s a humungous task but if you’re up to it then you probably aren’t bothered your guy isn’t supportive anyway otherwise I think you’ll maybe need a great deal of patience and willpower!
I see some friends and acquaintances and feel so angry their guys don’t lift a finger. But that is their journey, their life. There is nothing I can do about it. So I just have to listen and understand and hope one day it’ll change for them.
I also warn my daughter that there are things she needs to not accept when she lives with a guy and that is that if he doesn’t pull his weight then get the hell out of there. She’s still young but if it sticks in her head and finds a guy that does his fair share then I’ll be happy. To have her in a relationship where she is ground down by work, chores and childcare would leave me with a very heavy heart.
She deserves better. We all do. And it’s not much to ask.
I doubt there will be any guys who fit the ‘no chores’ category will be reading this and if they are I doubt it will make them change their minds about supporting their partners. So it’s up to the girls to not stand for it before it’s too late and being stuck with it for years.

                                 

You get what you give?

This statement appeared on a social media site I'm subscribed to. It has a lot of people’s backs up so on reading the comments I decided to do a blog post on my take of it.
A little background- I have been through loss of a loved one, separation from a child, being heavily in debt, not having a penny to my name and not being able to pay bills, divorce and sexual assault. So I have had a fair bit of trauma in my life.
I've experienced crippling bouts of depression and chronic illness. This is just so you know I'm not from a privileged background. I have felt pain and anguish on a fairly big scale.
Ok, first let’s look at the statement-'you get what you give'.
For me it's missing substance and is a sweeping generalisation. Something I've learned from CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) sweeping statements are not the truth. If a person gives hatred to someone, they will get it back? Not necessarily. If a person gives love they will get it back? Probably not. If we devote ourselves to 'God', the poor, the needy, the dying, the sick or whatever less fortunate group we chose, does that mean we will always get good things in life and nothing bad will happen? Absolutely not.
Here's why. Being a person that goes out of their way to help or does loads of things for someone or something does not automatically mean that in return a person is entitled to good things because that person is probably doing those things in order to appear good to receive good things. I know I've done it myself and whinged about it afterwards that 'I did all these things for so and so and they didn't even say thank you'. The thank you is not necessary if a person did the deed with total love and giving. Not sacrificing themselves for the greater good but actually feeling love when the deed is being done. You will not get love in return as you did it with conditions that demanded 'I will have good things done for and to me because I have done good things for people and causes.'
Stay with me....ok so say you see a woman with a pushchair and she looks really harassed and in a hurry so you open a door for her or step out her way. She doesn't even acknowledge you. What do you think then? Jeez, what an ignorant woman? How rude? Probably.However, how about look at it this way. The woman is quite clearly distressed and her head is full of all sorts of things. She's probably stressed to the max and so she's not thinking straight. Maybe you should think 'thank goodness I am able to open the door for that lady' or 'thank goodness I don't have that kind of stress to deal with.' But you could also think 'thank goodness I was there at the right time to open the door for that lady, that made her life a bit easier, if only for one moment.' You got the satisfaction you were there at the right time and place to help that lady. That’s your reward, not the thank you. You gave your time and energy to open the door and you got a feeling of wellbeing from it.
No need for a thank you from her as you did the act with love and practiced gratitude for your life. Maybe in the future someone will be there to open the door for you when you are laden with bags or in a rush? Maybe you won't thank the person that did it for you but there's not always a need if that person opened the door with unconditional love.
There are some people in the world who are ignorant and/or narcissistic and/or arrogant. They think they are entitled for the door to be opened for them, always and they would never open a door for anyone. So do they get what they give? Probably, because they gave out a sense of entitlement and got what they wanted.
If you are already worried about money what happens? An unexpected bill pops up. Your car breaks down. The washing machine packs up. If you worry about your health, you become ill, sometimes, not always. If you obsess that you want a relationship, you’ll attract the wrong person in because you are displaying desperation. How does that relate to ‘you get what you give’? Well you are projecting thoughts about negative situations so therefore the universe answers what you’ve been thinking about. So therefore think positive thoughts? And practice gratitude you are fortunate enough to afford a new washing machine, yes it’s inconvenient and costly but when you go to pay for it hand over the money with gratitude and love that you are fortunate enough to be able to afford such luxury and someone had the knowhow and provision to build such an efficient machine and you can wash your clothes conveniently and without too much hardship. I got a washing machine because I gave my time and earned the money for it. Thank goodness!
In a previous post I talked about attraction and getting what I wanted. What I should have done back then is said to myself 'right I've lost mum, I'm devastated but I don't want any more bad things to happen to me so I need to be grateful for what I do have and think about what I do want.' Very difficult when someone is suffering grief but I think it can be done. I know people who have faced adversity and have overcome some of the most terrible things by refusing to let more bad stuff happen.
Why did I attract more bad things into my life when I was already suffering? Because I thought I deserved it? Maybe. Probably. Most likely. But if I had focused on the good things in my life after her death and what I definitely did want then the further bad things would not have happened. I was desperate to be loved, as I'd lost the person I most loved in the world. That was the answer. A boyfriend. Someone to love but instead of saying 'I want a guy who will respect what has happened to me and work with me on this and not be selfish' I just focused on 'anyone will do so long as they pay attention to me'. I was given someone who wasn't good for me and it made me feel worse which led to an overdose. It was a self-perpetuating prophecy. If I think 'oh well, I deserved that' or 'there's no surprise there' I got what I believed to be what I deserved.
So back to the quote. I give and give and I am loving and nice yet I get bad things happening, why? Because I didn't expect anything good to happen to myself and I wasn't grateful for what I did have. I attracted more bad into my life by thinking bad thoughts on situations I had no control over.
But I have been on the other side of a situation such as the losing a loved one. I went through a very traumatic time when my daughter went to live with her dad and there were a lot of mitigating factors around the situation such as I kept having destructive relationships and bad things kept happening to the point that again I overdosed as I was at rock bottom. I found it difficult to deal with my daughter going to live with her dad and giving him the control over her life when previously he hadn't been interested in her at all. I felt a failure. Then he took me to the CSA (child support agency) so I was faced with financial pressure and his girlfriend was interfering and my relationship with my daughter fraught and I had issues in my new relationship. I was incredibly bitter that my ex had found someone who he loved but not only affluent and they were going away on holiday and I was stuck at home poor, having bad relationships. I think my ex is a person who will always attract good as he thinks he deserves it but he's not a particularly kind or caring person. I wished him ill but then thought 'no because if I wish him ill, it might backfire on me' but I couldn't find it in my heart to wish well. Basically I crumbled and took to my bed through sheer exhaustion and frustration and stress. I could have handled it very differently.
I still struggle a little with it now but it's getting better because I'm happy but I too got what I wished for. I said 'no more spongers, no more unkind, selfish guys in my life. I want one that is kind, compassionate, caring, loving, romantic and selfless.' I got it. He came when I least expected it as I was happy to be on my own. I had still had things with him I needed to work through and vice versa and it was a straightforward road, it was bumpy. I nearly gave in a couple of times but we worked it out, he also has had a big learning curve to climb.
All that has happened has led to very momentous time in my life and a massive change. I am still dealing with things and working through them. Constantly trying to get everything right in my mind and live with my actions. It’s hard work.
But had those things in the past not happened, I wouldn’t be here today, right where I need to be.
When it comes to abuse, trauma and illness can we then apply this thinking to the quote?
I’d have a hard time backing up anyone who said ‘that happened to you because you didn’t practice gratitude.’ You got what you gave? No, you didn’t. But you can choose to let the action take you down or you can choose to still be grateful for all the things you do have. Learn to deal with the anger and pain and hurt so it doesn’t destroy you.
Victims of abuse can't always help what happens to them or stop it and they aren't getting what they gave because they didn't give abuse. These kinds of sayings are sweeping and sometimes not helpful in extreme circumstances. I didn't invite the death of my mum in but I chose to destroy myself over it.

Then I stopped wishing myself out of the hole I was in. I just had to 'know' everything would be ok. I had gotten myself out of holes before, I could do it again. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, mostly, it's taken time trust me and I stopped being a victim. I stopped giving all my energy to the hatred of my ex and feeling bitter. It was I who was hurting me. I begrudged giving him child support as he was going on fancy holidays and having a lovely life but then I read in the book 'The Secret' to give with love, including money, means we will attract it back. I've always had a thing about being broke but I don't think that anymore. I attracted a solution into my life to the problem I had and I'm very grateful for it, every day, all the time! I can't control what my ex does with the money I give him but somewhere along the line it will benefit my daughter. If it doesn't then that is my ex's problem to deal with. He makes that choice and he will get what he gives too. I was very bitter about the amount of money I had to give him in the divorce. It wasn't fair as I'd had no choice but to let my daughter go and live with him so therefore he got more money as the resident parent. But I started to think, it's not my money anyway and I've got a great life. The life I had always wanted. He was in debt and he has my daughter most of the time, let him have the money. Let him do with it what he pleases and hope he makes a good decision with it. But I think the money will soon be gone. But there is nothing I can do about it so I let it go.
When a bad thing happens we can chose to continue to hurt ourselves or we can choose to not hurt ourselves. That's our choice, not the perpetrators. And sometimes bad things happen because we put ourselves in a vulnerable place or don't tell the world we aren't going to accept something. Maybe being vulnerable, a perpetrator took the opportunity to cease the situation to their own sick advantage. But its how it's dealt with afterwards that counts too. You don't have to be strong as such just say to the world 'I'm not going to take this crap anymore' and find a way, make a plan of how you are going to get out of being the perpetual victim.
Practicing gratitude works for me and it can't do any harm. Do not give those bad thoughts room in your head. Focus on something you want. Trust it'll come to you and believe it will come to you. Getting what you give isn't fail safe and all encompassing; they are infinite amounts of conditions that could affect what happens to us.
Bad thoughts still come into my head and heart now. They come in and sometimes I entertain them but I know if I entertain them I am asking them to come to fruition. I will only do things I want to do and I will do them with love and wholeheartedness. I refuse to be a victim anymore also and I refuse to believe bad things will happen but if they do, I hope I can deal with them and they won't drive me down into that dark place again. I'm learning and educating myself every day and I've gotten myself out of a black hole once again and I intend to stay out of it.
If you gave all you could (100%) to a cause such as sport or fundraising for example then you could expect to receive a good return on investment? But the same cannot be said when human beings and emotions are involved. Human beings are are unique unpredictable creatures. We cannot presume because we have done something for the greater good of mankind we can expect things in return. We shouldn't anyway.
So do we get what we give? Not always, it’s too general a statement, but we can learn to be grateful for the things we do get and we can give with total unconditional love and this brings good things into our lives to outweigh the bad.

Law of attraction.

I've never really thought about the law of attraction much. I've always been one for 'why can't it just happen'. 

I've always had the attitude with money that something will always come along to help me out when I need it and it worked. Little did I know that if I applied that thinking to the rest of my life, things might have worked much better. I think it has gotten me to where I need to be and I had to go through things to get here but maybe it wouldn't have been such a rocky journey? 

But I didn't apply this thinking until 

I'd had it completely with men in my life not being what I wanted. I expected them to just be what I wanted but I didn't believe I deserved it. Until I'd gone through a seperation, an affair and a few failed attempts at a relationship, including a stalker, I decided enough was enough and I had a subconscious list in my head

of what I would NOT accept anymore. 

I didn't want the characteristics my ex had, which consisted of not doing any housework and paying little interest in me or our daughter. 

People who know me know how unhelpful my ex was and how little he was interested in our child. We battled a lot over parenting and I was very lasse fairs, which made a rod for my own back and he was very strict. 

Our daughter was virtually with me 24/7 and always wanted mummy so it was quite tiring and I had elderly grandparents and their garden to look after so I was pretty tired most of the time. He didn't seem to care. I became quite ill a couple of times with depression/ chronic fatigue and he did nothing round the house to help and I had to suggest he take our daughter to the park instead of the DIY store on a weekend when I started back to work. 

He was doing our house up for years so he did have a job on his hands, of which I'm very grateful, but we were never a team. Now I get 'we're a team' shoved down my throat by him and his gf all the time! 

The affair was born out of unhappiness with my ex and looking for my prince. I thought he was my knight. Yes, a cliche but I've always wanted a knight. 

I've always wanted to be looked after. Maybe that stems from my childhood, although my granny looked after me well, I felt my mum didn't really care when I was distressed or ill. I could give you examples but you'll just have to take my word for it. I don't want to speak ill of her or get into discussion about it just now. Maybe another time. I've just had this strong sense of wanting to be looked after.

The affair wasn't meant to be an affair but that's what it was. It reeked havoc on many lives but I don't regret it in a lot of ways. Selfishly, it has got me where I need to be and even my ex has done well by it even if it was traumatic, maybe even the man and his wife involved in the affair, have gained something from the awful experience? Who knows. 

I'm was very much one for jumping in with both feet. When I met my ex he was besotted with me and I'd never had that so I dived in and we soon got married. I knew I'd made a massive mistake but I just ignored the fact and got on with it and was ill for at least a few weeks, most years, sometimes months at a time and very unhappy. 

Even though he'd agreed before we'd gotten married that we would have children,  he didn't want a child but I persuaded him. Our daughter arrived and for a short time things were good. But cracks appeared again and after a while I just got fed up with nagging and I didn't love him. I went about things totally the wrong way as I was so fed up at this point and to be honest I thought if I found someone else to go to, my ex wouldn't be able to persuade me to stay. It didn't work like that at all. 

It was very messy. 

Anyway, I thought I would find in the affair what I didn't in the marriage. Yes, there was romance and love and it was a bit fairy tale at times but it was messy, dirty and sordid as well. 

So it wasn't the fairy tale I imagined. I held onto it for dear life as he did leave his wife but not for me, it was the thing he thought he should do but he kept me at arms length and I knew something was wrong. I found out he was seeing someone behind my back. Served me right!! 

That was the final straw for me, it took a lot of abuse but I thought we had a love worth fighting for. Turned out I couldn't see what everyone else could. I was blind. But I needed to get to that stage to be able to let go. 

He made me realise just what I didn't want from a relationship too, just like my ex. 

Still having low self worth and esteem and due to circumstances I dabbled in casual relationships with a thought that I might be able to persuade a man to have a proper relationship. A couple did but were disasters. Not what I wanted it all and I wouldn't put up with it. 

But I attracted the wrong type of guy because I didn't specify enough and believe enough what I wanted and wouldn't put up with. I was still of the mind set that I could be easily led and gave some guys the benefit of the doubt when I shouldn't have. I've done this with   female relationships too! 

If someone paid me attention I gave them my time no matter what. And I was a pretty loyal too and didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. To my own pain!! 

It usually backfired and I was the one who ended up with egg on my face! 

But did that happen because I didn't specify to myself what I wouldn't accept in life? I think so. 

I remember my brother suggesting my ex and I about a car, as we were looking for a new one. We looked and looked for this specific car and given up looking then his step mums' mum was selling the exact same kind of car and specifications we were looking for! 

Have you ever noticed if you get obsessed with something, for example, say a type of shoe or dress, you'll think about the object all the time eventually the right one will appear and it'll be perfect. But you have to let it go. Learn to forget about it but still have faith that object will come to you. 

I eventually became comfortable with being by myself. And I had a list in my head what I wanted and I believed in my heart that I would accept nothing less. 

A long came the hero of the hour. He tried to persuade me to start a relationship before I was ready but I refused until I was sure. We saw each other as friends for a while and our relationship blossomed without many complications. 

At our time in our life, we both have baggage so it wasn't plain sailing but I swore to myself if he treated me badly I wouldn't stand for it. And despite hiccoughs of life we have a very deep and loving relationship. He has gotten what he wished for too. Most of his married life he has wanted someone like me. I was quite fortunate I didn't need to ask for long before he came along. 

The whole point of this is that we get what we ask for. Be it money for a coffee with a friend or buy a new dress to big things like the house of your dreams. 

It's not wrong to have dreams but you have to believe in your heart they will happen. 

It's very difficult when someone is ill to believe anything good will happen. But through believing I deserved better I got what I wanted and through it I also managed to change my mindset. By being grateful for what I have, not what I don't. 

I'm not sure I would be so positive if my new partner hadn't come along but I truly believe he would have come along anyway because that is what I wanted. 

Maybe give it a try? But you have to believe it will happen. 

It took me a few years to actually take it all on board and maybe if I hit a tragedy in my life I would think it was all a load of rubbish. I have experienced tragedy and would find it hard to find positive about things like my mum dying so I fully appreciate its not for everyone and being very vulnerable can mean if we wish for things the wrong thing in disguise of the thing we wished for might come along or we might not get it at all and be totally let down again but that also stems from our belief that we deserve bad things because we are bad people. Unlovable and only get the love of an unsuitable person, for example, as that's what we deserve but it's not true. 

We need to realise the great person we are and we have to also have some self care and love of ourself before we can attract the right person in. 

I never believed it until I experienced it. It can happen. I've been the most negative person for years. I'm living proof things can change with the power of attracting what we do want. Forget what you don't want, just concentrate on what you do want. Corny as it is, you are worth it. 

Things have moved on.

February 2015.
I've learned a lot in the last few months and things have taken a different direction for me. We are moving to the States next month for one thing. My partner got offered a job over there with his company. At the time he put the suggestion to me I jumped at the chance. I had always wanted to live in the States or at least travel around the States. I was also at a point where I was sick of the falling out and just wanted to run away. I've always been like that. I just want to run away when things get too much.

Things were still pretty messy last summer, my relationship with my daughter wasn't the greatest. We butted heads most of the time. She has always managed to wrap me round her little finger and I give in too easily. She is a mobile 'phone and screen addict and if she's not looking at 1,2 or 3 screens she's 'bored'. I had very little energy to do anything so to wrestle the screens off her and try and get her to interact or do something with us was painful so I just didn't bother now she has no choice. And if she whinges (she seems to know when I'm flagging because the whinging gets more intense!) I ignore it or punish her for it. Seems easy solution eh? But I get dragged right back to my childhood and I think of me in her shoes and I feel sorry for her or bad. But being lenient doesn't do us any favours. And no that I have more energy I can stick to my guns.

I was also butting heads rather a lot with my ex and his girlfriend and just wanted to be away from it all. The divorce had started and the ex wanted ALL the profits from the house.So a fight ensued and basically yet again I had to admit defeat and give in or risk losing half my pension. I had to do what I could live with. And since practicing gratitude I can be grateful with what I've got rather than what I have lost.

This leads me on to the victim thing. I have learned over the last few months that I was a victim, I made myself a victim. I no longer chose to be a victim. Yes, sometimes things are hard to deal with but I can chose to lay down and weep or make the best of the situation and find a positive.

Positivity is not something I have done very well, the glass is always half full but you know what? Who gets anything from being so negative? Do good things happen to negative people? No, they don't.
Plus, I don't want to play being a victim anymore as it just attracts more drama. Instead now I practice gratitude. Mainly because of the book . There are many of these types of books out there but this one seems to sit right with me. I practice gratitude in everything I do and I seem to be much better for it. My wonderful partner is also a very positive person and he inspires me to see the positive in everything. No matter what the situation. He could have written The Secret to be honest! I guess living all the time with this kind of person eventually rubs off.

I have trouble making my mind up about how I see the world. There is always two sides to every argument, mostly, and I have trouble putting my faith in one side or the other. I can never totally subscribe to something because they/it will always do something to let me down and disappoint me. For example, I went to Buddhist meditation when I was really ill once and was hoping it would have the answers I needed. Only to listen to a teaching that went on to talk about depression as a punishment for something one did in their past life. Well, I'm sorry but I'm not responsible for that! Not in the here and now! Plus , one of the monks was wearing leather sandals and using a mobile 'phone. If I subscribe to something it has to wholeheartedly. No half measure. So I have just cherry picked most things and created my own 'religion' in some respects. But my thinking get challenged every day and just when I think I've gotten a handle on something, an idea or inspiration comes flying out of nowhere and boom, thinking altered once again.


Regarding my last post and antidepressants; I am off them totally now and only take my mood stabiliser for sleep as I love it makes me sleep! Insomnia is my sworn enemy. It was ok having insomnia before because I would just sleep when I could but now I don't want to be ruining my day having to go for a sleep then being awake half the night.

So I ask myself the question, if I can be off antidepressants now and haven't felt depressed except for the very odd occasion, why was I on them for years? To be perfectly honest I think it was the situation I was in. That's a whole different post. Plus I've had it mentioned more than once that I have probably got chronic fatigue syndrome and depression is a subcategory to this rather than depression first then fatigue. I know I can feel feel fatigue and not depression, that's for sure.

I did manage, with the help of my partner, to change my job and work agency so I could at least pick my own shifts but the long hours still took their toll. Fortunately, not for much longer.
However, I haven't kept up the acupuncture. Many reasons really but mostly financial as last year finances were a bit tough. As soon as some money came in, it went out again. But now I look at finances in a totally different way too. I don't chase money instead I practice feeling that I will get what I need and give money gratefully. For example; when I give my ex money for our daughter, I no longer begrudge it but give it with love. It takes some time to get the hang of but it really works.

Bloody hormones.

Hey, So it's not stopped raining for a week I don't think!!

The hormones have been driving me crazy this past week to ten days. Up and down like a yo-yo. Yesterday, I was completely najjy, really really irritable and short tempered. I hate myself like that. SO god knows how anyone puts up with me!!

On a brighter note my friend Sandhy is awake and has been transferred to a ward. That woman is phenomenal. A tour de force!! Her chest is still in a bad way but hopefully she'll have the strength to get through that too but it's going to be really hard work for her. I'll be thinking of her every day. Not that that will help in any way but there's not a lot else I can do really.


One thing that has been in the forefront of my mind recently regarding mental ill health issues and my friends going through a tough time is the fact that people get in touch, every now and again to say 'hi' or 'how you doing? And then you reply 'ok' or 'not so bad' or 'terrible', for example. Then you get nothing in return at all. The Time to Change programme is all for sending a message, a post card, or a text to see how your buddy is doing but then it has to be followed through? Surely?

If your friend doesn't answer or doesn't say 'yeah I'm great thanks' then the text, message, whatever needs following up and especially when the person suffering texts back then answer, saying 'great, good for you' or 'oh no, so sorry to hear that' you kind of get the drift? Don't just leave it hanging. It will make the person receiving the messages feel worse! On the other side, if you are the one suffering, then be careful who you engage with. Engage with the ones you know will send the message in genuine care for you and are truly looking out for you. Even if it's just an exchange of 2 or 3 texts or a 10 minute call.
Having someone ask you how you are as they know you aren't well then not bothering to continue the conversation is hurtful and could catch you at a very vulnerable moment. It could be the straw that breaks the camels back.

Hypnotherapy and acupuncture.

The hypnotherapy worked a treat with saying goodbye to my Mum. It was very distressing but it took away that awful feeling in my solar plexus. It's been a while since I blogged on here as I got better and ran amock for a few months then all hell broke loose and crashed a bit. Kept going a bit and now I'm on my way up from a down again!

I asked my husband to leave and he left in May 2012 then we had a custody battle and I lost out as I work shifts so see very little of my daughter now. I had to specify when I could have her and I couldn't say too many nights a week as I couldn't commit to it with work. My ex won't work with me either on it but that's because I change my mind all the time and am a pain in the arse! Probably for the best anyway as I feel I can't control her behaviour when I do have her and havent the energy or the strength to get her to do the things I want her to do. For which I'm seeing a relationship councellor for. He's very good! Not coming to terms with not being able to be the Mum I want to be is hard work and having the ex's girlfriend looking after my daughter the is soul destroying.


Anyway, I'm told not to be a victim anymore and stop feeling sorry for myself. With regards to my mental health, my wonderful acupuncturist is insisting I keep well and keep seeing her to keep well. It's usually a financial thing that stops me going because when I feel well I can't justify the cost. But I will keep going as the last year or so alone has been so hard on me. Oops sorry self pity again! I was feeling empty and numb for a long time and I couldn't bare being awake most of the time so I had the crazy idea of coming off my antidepressants!

I tried and failed as the side effects were horrendous. So I've halved it now and subsequently halfed my mood stabilisers too or I end up comatosed! The great thing is I have energy and now 'feel' stuff, which is ace and also manage to go to the loo which is also great as that was a major problem. I know TMI but honestly, it was awful. I've put on a huge amount of weight too and my mood stabilisers get blamed for that as they increase your appetite. But when I met my new partner we started to eat out a lot, which gave me terrible tummy ache due to sluggish bowel and then I had even less energy to exercise (I haven't been biking in a while). I've just started going out with the dog and going for longer and longer walks as my energy levels increase.

But the thought of getting on a bike is too much at the moment. Plus none of my cycling clothes fit me as I've put so much weight on. If I had the money I would do allsorts to keep my health on track but one of the things I really need to do is change my job and get off ridiculous shifts!

I am now tot