Depression is a selfish, all consuming illness. It knows no boundaries of gender, race, religion age or class. Suicidal feelings often come hand in hand with depressive episodes. Like an unwelcome scrounging visitor who doesn't know when they've outstayed their welcome.
The thought of death preoccupies your every waking moment. How you are going to act it out. And the relief you will feel when you finally stop breathing. The end to the emotional turmoil that is constantly gnawing at your heart and soul. It is endless. But the more it is courted, the more it engulfs the person. So how do we stop it in it's tracks?
If suicidal feelings have been evident for a while then putting them in their place is harder than if they just rear theirs ugly heads every now and then.
It feels like you have not felt anything other than suicidal. You can't remember a time when you didn't feel suicidal. It is the illness that is making you selfish, making your thoughts selfish. That is not being derogatory or judgemental but the truth. It is only you that can feel the intensity of these feelings and describing them to others is difficult. It's hard to get someone else to feel or understand how you are feeling.
However, try and describe to your loved one what you are going through. Don't be ashamed of talking about it. It could often lighten the load. But make sure the loved one is ready to hear it. They may not be. If they aren't then you need to find someone who is, preferably a professional who is trained in counselling. Some professionals can be flippant or depreciatory about depression and suicidal feelings. Reach out but in the right places. Be careful who you tell your story too. Some people can be glory hunters, praying on the vulnerable to their own means. You won't be seeing things clearly so it's especially important to chose carefully who you tell you feelings to.
I have found when looking for help, I felt very alone. I reached out tentacles of hope to many agencies and got not a lot back in return. Social media definitely isn't the forum for it unless you're in closed group or on a platform designed for mental health support such as Minds Elefriends. A great place to offload your true feelings without, hopefully, fear of judgement or recrimination.
The Samaritans can help you offload and ground you but again, you don't know who you are going to get at the other end of the 'phone and in my own experience it wasn't always helpful. Explaining my situation over and over was tiring and it's difficult to get a sense of reality when the person isn't face to face. But in a crisis, if there is no one else around, it's a good place to turn to. Even if it just gets you over that moment, it's not a fix all solution.
Needless to say, counselling can be just the same. Just because you are seeing a counsellor doesn't mean they are the right person to hear your story. As you are already vulnerable and ill, it's exhausting and overwhelming to have people tell you your sense of reality is skewed. A counsellor should listen and give you practical solutions to the problems you are faced with. You may find some of these solutions are useless or a waste of time so you need to take bits from the sessions you do find helpful and forget the rest, not dwell on not doing the practical exercises and beating yourself up even more that you haven't completed a task they have suggested.
Keeping a journal can be therapeutic and cathartic. It's a good place to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. A good place to store all the hurt and anger without the complication of involving anyone else. But bear in mind that stored words can also trigger future episodes.
Being creative is a good way of releasing pent up angst by transferring them into words, poetry, paintings or any kind of art. Writing the story of your feelings or putting into poetry can be painful but a good relief. And a great way to share your experiences with others should you choose to go down hat route.
Suicidal feelings rob us of the ability to feel anything other than atrocious. It can make us devoid of joy, happiness, calmness and peace. But we have to find it somewhere. Try and find a place where you 'feel' something. It can be anywhere, only you will know where it feels comfortable. Embrace any good feelings you may have, do not shun them as false or delusional. Invite them in and nurture them. Tell the bad feelings to be quiet whilst you entertain the good ones.
The use of drugs and alcohol in this situation, will of course not make things better. They might temporarily relieve the horrid feelings you are experiencing but in the cold light of day when hungover or coming down can make things feel a whole lot worse. You are incredibly vulnerable so be gentle and kind to yourself.
Practicing gratitude can be the last thing on your mind and seem futile. Being grateful for the smallest thing can sometimes break through the wall of pain needed to bring someone back from the brink. Write down a list, if you have the energy, of any little thing you are grateful for, or just go through them in your head. It can be anything. It can be that you have a roof over your head and you aren't out in the cold. It can be that you have been love around you even that if you have lost a loved you you had the opportunity to love them when they were alive. It may sound a pointless exercise but focusing on the good and not the bad stops the bad thoughts in their tracks. It takes practice and a huge amount of strength but it works and when bad feelings rear their ugly heads again, it's a great way to put the bad thoughts into perspective.
Alternative treatments such as acupuncture or reflexology can help tremendously. There are many treatments to try to help us climb out of the pit or depression. I found acupuncture to be life saving. It helped me a number of times get me over the worst of the darkest moments of my life. It may be expensive but what price is your life worth? It's priceless. If money is an issue then cut back on things that be forsaken in order to get you back to where you need to be. It may be a good idea to keep the treatment of activity up even when you start to feel well again just to keep you well.
It may seem self indulgent but it's not. We are not very good at thinking we deserve things. But you are just as important as anyone else.
It doesn't have to be therapies, it can be a new hair cut or getting nails done. I realise men don't go out and get their hair done and not being a man I don't know what makes a guy feel better. It could be a diy project or a night with guy friends watching a match. My point is do whatever it is you think that will make you feel better without hurting yourself or anyone else.
The bad thoughts will pass, the suicidal feelings will pass. And you will get your life back on track again. Have a plan for when or if the feelings do come back so you can stop them in their tracks. Know that it will end even if it seems to be taking forever and taking your own life is not the answer.
The dark cloud will lift. Find a way to make it. Do not let the entity of suicidal feelings tell you that you are better off dead because like a corrupt politician all they are doing is feeding you lies.
Be brave. Take care of you.
The thought of death preoccupies your every waking moment. How you are going to act it out. And the relief you will feel when you finally stop breathing. The end to the emotional turmoil that is constantly gnawing at your heart and soul. It is endless. But the more it is courted, the more it engulfs the person. So how do we stop it in it's tracks?
If suicidal feelings have been evident for a while then putting them in their place is harder than if they just rear theirs ugly heads every now and then.
It feels like you have not felt anything other than suicidal. You can't remember a time when you didn't feel suicidal. It is the illness that is making you selfish, making your thoughts selfish. That is not being derogatory or judgemental but the truth. It is only you that can feel the intensity of these feelings and describing them to others is difficult. It's hard to get someone else to feel or understand how you are feeling.
However, try and describe to your loved one what you are going through. Don't be ashamed of talking about it. It could often lighten the load. But make sure the loved one is ready to hear it. They may not be. If they aren't then you need to find someone who is, preferably a professional who is trained in counselling. Some professionals can be flippant or depreciatory about depression and suicidal feelings. Reach out but in the right places. Be careful who you tell your story too. Some people can be glory hunters, praying on the vulnerable to their own means. You won't be seeing things clearly so it's especially important to chose carefully who you tell you feelings to.
I have found when looking for help, I felt very alone. I reached out tentacles of hope to many agencies and got not a lot back in return. Social media definitely isn't the forum for it unless you're in closed group or on a platform designed for mental health support such as Minds Elefriends. A great place to offload your true feelings without, hopefully, fear of judgement or recrimination.
The Samaritans can help you offload and ground you but again, you don't know who you are going to get at the other end of the 'phone and in my own experience it wasn't always helpful. Explaining my situation over and over was tiring and it's difficult to get a sense of reality when the person isn't face to face. But in a crisis, if there is no one else around, it's a good place to turn to. Even if it just gets you over that moment, it's not a fix all solution.
Needless to say, counselling can be just the same. Just because you are seeing a counsellor doesn't mean they are the right person to hear your story. As you are already vulnerable and ill, it's exhausting and overwhelming to have people tell you your sense of reality is skewed. A counsellor should listen and give you practical solutions to the problems you are faced with. You may find some of these solutions are useless or a waste of time so you need to take bits from the sessions you do find helpful and forget the rest, not dwell on not doing the practical exercises and beating yourself up even more that you haven't completed a task they have suggested.
Keeping a journal can be therapeutic and cathartic. It's a good place to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. A good place to store all the hurt and anger without the complication of involving anyone else. But bear in mind that stored words can also trigger future episodes.
Being creative is a good way of releasing pent up angst by transferring them into words, poetry, paintings or any kind of art. Writing the story of your feelings or putting into poetry can be painful but a good relief. And a great way to share your experiences with others should you choose to go down hat route.
Suicidal feelings rob us of the ability to feel anything other than atrocious. It can make us devoid of joy, happiness, calmness and peace. But we have to find it somewhere. Try and find a place where you 'feel' something. It can be anywhere, only you will know where it feels comfortable. Embrace any good feelings you may have, do not shun them as false or delusional. Invite them in and nurture them. Tell the bad feelings to be quiet whilst you entertain the good ones.
The use of drugs and alcohol in this situation, will of course not make things better. They might temporarily relieve the horrid feelings you are experiencing but in the cold light of day when hungover or coming down can make things feel a whole lot worse. You are incredibly vulnerable so be gentle and kind to yourself.
Practicing gratitude can be the last thing on your mind and seem futile. Being grateful for the smallest thing can sometimes break through the wall of pain needed to bring someone back from the brink. Write down a list, if you have the energy, of any little thing you are grateful for, or just go through them in your head. It can be anything. It can be that you have a roof over your head and you aren't out in the cold. It can be that you have been love around you even that if you have lost a loved you you had the opportunity to love them when they were alive. It may sound a pointless exercise but focusing on the good and not the bad stops the bad thoughts in their tracks. It takes practice and a huge amount of strength but it works and when bad feelings rear their ugly heads again, it's a great way to put the bad thoughts into perspective.
Alternative treatments such as acupuncture or reflexology can help tremendously. There are many treatments to try to help us climb out of the pit or depression. I found acupuncture to be life saving. It helped me a number of times get me over the worst of the darkest moments of my life. It may be expensive but what price is your life worth? It's priceless. If money is an issue then cut back on things that be forsaken in order to get you back to where you need to be. It may be a good idea to keep the treatment of activity up even when you start to feel well again just to keep you well.
It may seem self indulgent but it's not. We are not very good at thinking we deserve things. But you are just as important as anyone else.
It doesn't have to be therapies, it can be a new hair cut or getting nails done. I realise men don't go out and get their hair done and not being a man I don't know what makes a guy feel better. It could be a diy project or a night with guy friends watching a match. My point is do whatever it is you think that will make you feel better without hurting yourself or anyone else.
The bad thoughts will pass, the suicidal feelings will pass. And you will get your life back on track again. Have a plan for when or if the feelings do come back so you can stop them in their tracks. Know that it will end even if it seems to be taking forever and taking your own life is not the answer.
The dark cloud will lift. Find a way to make it. Do not let the entity of suicidal feelings tell you that you are better off dead because like a corrupt politician all they are doing is feeding you lies.
Be brave. Take care of you.
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